Author's Note: I've been rather lazy throughout Winter Break. Hopefully this will make up for it. :]
[scene is still akin to that of the Sound of Music]
Snape: [looks more pale than usual] Kiss?
Writer: [giggles] See, he's Maria and you're grumpy old Baron VonTrapp.
Lupin and Snape: [exchange confused looks]
Writer: Well, the Baron is grumpy and mean and unpleasant. Maria is cheerful and nice and they end up falling in love. It's cute.
Lupin: What could be cute about a nice girl falling in love with a bitter old recluse?
Snape: He has a point.
Writer: Look, it's my fan fiction.
Snape: We have no good reason to [chokes on the word] ki-ss....
Lupin: This is also true.
Sirius: They sure as hell better not kiss....Snape's bloody disgusting enough as it is.
Harry: I don't like this idea either.
Hermione: [whimpering] My part....ruined...again.....
Writer: Not to worry. I have plenty more ideas.
Snape: I'm still not apologizing.
Siruis: [mutters] Fan fic would probably end but nooooo too easy.
[Darkness falls over Hogwarts castle and Hermione, Neville, and Ron crawl into their beds as Fluffy curls up next to Hermione's wearing three goofy -looking bonnets.]
Harry: [flies over to the windowsill wearing a green leotard and tights and a small green cap with a feather in it. He is followed by an annoying ball of light.] Ummm...this is ridiculous.
Snape: [from off-stage] Just continue. I want to get to the part where I skewer you with my hook.
Lupin: [shudders behind Snape] Grooooossssss!!!!!!
Snape: [gives him a withering glare and waves his hook menacingly] Don't you even start.
Hermione: [whispering between clenched teeth] You bloody well better continue, Harry. Or Snape's hook will be the least of your worries.
Harry: I refuse....this is so....stupid.[throws hat on the stage] Why can't we just be at
Hogwarts? [sinks onto the sill miserably muttering to himself]
Writer: Awwww. Now Harry...
Harry: Don't you 'Now Harry' me. [irritably] This is humiliating is what this is.
Writer: [pats his head] Just a few more ideas? One of them is bound to be good.
Harry: [mutters] You'd like to think so.
Writer: [sharply] What?
Harry: Nothing. Nothing at all.
[Colors disappear and the scene is the exterior of the Weasley's house which has been covered in cobwebs and lined with tombstones. A familiar 50s TV show tune begins to play and the lawn gnomes begin snapping to accompany it.]
Lawn Gnomes:
They're creepy and they're kooky.
Mysterious and spooky.
They're altogether ooky.
The Weasley Family.
Their house is a museum
Where Muggles come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Weasley Family.
(Neat)
(Sweet)
(Petite)
So get a Hogwarts robe on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Weasley Family.
Ginny: [eyes her headless doll suspiciously] I don't think I like this idea.
Bill: [smirks showing small pointy teeth] Hey, at least we're in this one.
Charlie: [comes in carrying his head in his hands] This is a good thing how?
Percy: [twirls around in a vampire cape] Wheee!!!
George and Fred: [Siamese twins] How is this any different then usual?
Ron: I'm just the same as ever....
Writer: That's cuz I don't like you.
Ron: Bloody hell.
Writer: Just kidding.
Ron: Ah...okay then. [mutters] Jerk.
Hermione: [storms in] I am not even in this one.
Writer: [hides behind Bill and Charlie] Ummm....oops?
Lupin: [pokes the Writer] How does this convince Snape to apologize to me?
Writer: Are you never satisfied? [sighs] Fine. Forget the Weasleys.
Bill: Hey.
Percy: [still twirling around] Whee!!!
Gilderoy Lockhart: [suddenly comes on the scene] I have been neglected completely!!!!
Writer and others: Oh great.
Hermione: [sighs dreamily] My hero.
Lockhart: [clears his throat] Well?
Writer: [sighs in exasperation] Okay....I get the idea.
[Scene to the exterior of Hogwarts. Strolling out of the Forbidden Forest comes Gilderoy Lockhart dressed in splendid, gleaming armor. He examines his perfect face and platinum blonde hair with his shield. Snape dressed as a Squire follows him muttering savagely. Lupin follows dressed a minstrel happily singing in a painfully off-key tone.]
Lockhart: [looks up and spots Hogwarts] Ah-ha! My keen sense of direction tells me Hogwarts is that way. [he points to the castle]
Snape: [gives him a withering glare] Bloody hell.
TBC
Will Snape strangle Lockhart? Will he ever kiss Lupin? Will he kick some Voldemort booty? Will he make a guest appearance in another installment as Sebastian the crab from the Little Mermaid? Only time and my waning sanity will tell.
