And So, I Fight
By J. Lynn

All my work can be found at http://communities.msn.com/tangentcentral/... As soon as I update it.

Disclaimer: I'm not worthy.



I must have been born under a fighting star.

There are certain things I have always known. And the thing I knew earliest was that I would have to fight.

Everything in my life, everything I am, has been, not just a struggle, but a fight.

I have fought Voldemort, all his forces, and the evil that is their creed. I fought the Dursleys and their cruelty, ignorance and apathy. Although it's been a struggle, I still remain... not untouched, but unpolluted by them.

These are my victories.

Oh yes, the war still rages, but my victory over them is fixed. You see none of them are allowed into my soul, because my soul is the only thing that can conquer me.

The only thing that has a chance to destroy me.

I have sometimes wondered if my parents had lived, if it would be different... If somehow, I would be whole...

It's a pretty fantasy.

But like all fantasies, deep down you know it's a lie.

I'm so... empty.

I can feel the void that lies with in my chest calling, screaming, whispering its seductive little words, promises that nothing will ever get better, BE better, until I make it better.

And I fight.

I tell myself that there are so many things I must do, things for all the people who count on me.

I tell myself, 'How could I want to miss this?', that I have to 'wait till then.'

'I'll have so much fun when we...'

'Be so happy as soon as I...'

Still the void calls. And still I know that I'm merely delaying, procrastinating, making myself wait until the call grows strong enough that I can justify giving up.

Because deep in my soul, I don't want to fight. And I never have.

Parents wouldn't have made a difference. After all, they were only human.

Nothing can, or ever could, fill the void.

It's not there because I lack something outside. But because I lack something within.

Determination can only last so long... especially when what needs to back it up doesn't really want to.

So until I can let myself give up, I fight.

End

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