Author's Notes: Here you go folks. Sorry I didn't get the summer fic written; as much as I wanted to, it just wasn't going to happen. Especially not when I was trying to get "The Air That I Breathe" all finished. Nevertheless, I'm back with a brand new fic. This is the sequel to "Sight Unseen" and "Fight the Break of Dawn." Thanks to Lady Callie and Evil Twin for being my betas.
Disclaimer: Cameron is God; I bow before the almighty Eglee, blah blah woof woof. Don't even bother suing me for infringement. I'm a poor college student. The only thing you'll get out of me is my federal loans. But hey, if you want to pay back Uncle Sam instead of me, go for it.
Summary/Spoilers: Reflections in the aftermath of "Designate This."
Rating: I used to be a PG kinda gal. But this year my language might be more colorful. R for language.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"I am fortune's fool!" ~William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
I had to read "Romeo and Juliet" in high school as part of my freshman year English class. We studied it again my senior rear when I took a drama class to fulfill a graduation requirement. By the time I studied it again in a Shakespearean English course one semester in college, I could practically recite it word for word. Each class I took that studied it approached it from a different perspective. By the third time around I figured I understood it completely, from every noteworthy perspective: literary, dramatic, socio-economic, psychological....
How wrong I was.
I didn't understand it at all.
Not until I began studying it from a personal perspective.
It seems cliché to compare my relationship with Max to that of Romeo and Juliet. It seems, in a way, too academic, too tired, and too unoriginal. I'm hardly any Romeo-crippled, walking only with help from a stolen prototype, a journalist without a face, a man ashamed of his blood family. And for as much poetry as I may have written about Max, she is hardly the naïve ingénue.
However, as much as I'd like *not* to compare us to those star-crossed lovers, how can I not? Despite our best-although admittedly stubborn and sometimes hackneyed-efforts, Fate is keeping me from my love.
Hell, Fate's fuckin' laughing at me.
I *am* fortune's fool.
How foolish, how naïve was I, to believe that such a miracle could come without a hefty price? After all Max and I have been through, after all the pain and grief we've endured, how could I have so easily thought that her resurrection would mean a new start for us? I know Manticore, I know its tricks. How could I have not thought that it was too easy for her to just show up in my apartment, leaner, her hair longer, her eyes dimmer, devoid of their magic and spark? How could I have allowed myself to be ruled by my shock and joy? Shouldn't I have been more cautious? She could have been a clone. But I knew she wasn't. I could feel that she was Max. My Max. And I knew my Max would never be turned.
I suppose that it's a good thing I kissed Max. If we had waited, and I had gotten my broadcast out, Manticore would have been cauterized, and the antidote along with it. Alec called it an antigen, but I think he had his terminology confused. If it *had* been an antigen, I would be immune to the retrovirus that still lies within my beloved. Manticore was smarter and more advanced than even *we* gave them credit for. Three billion bases in the human genome and they managed to find every single fucking one of mine and screw with it, turn it into a tiny super virus, then put it back in Max via some horrific torture method, I'm sure, and wait for her to kill me without even realizing she had the power. Renfro must have known how intense and special out relationship was...is-to know that Max would go to Eyes Only first, that she would unwittingly infect him with her Judas kiss.
I'm fortune's fool, and I am fate's whipping boy.
After wallowing in my grief and despair for so long, I moved on to quiet rage and dedicated vengeance. I effectively fired Bling, my closet friend after Max. I kept my distance from Original Cindy. Eyes Only focused almost exclusively on bringing down Manticore. On avenging Max. Even though in my dreams she was alive, and in my heart I couldn't shake the feeling that she was gone, my brain and eyes had seen her die. My arms had held her bloody and limp form as I wept openly over her body. It was those memories, seared into my brain, that fueled my quest.
"You knew one of them, didn't you?"
"Her name was Max."
"They killed her, didn't they?"
"I watched her die. The thing is, I can't really believe she's gone. I don't believe it. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like... she's still out there."
Truthfully, I'm surprised Asha didn't ask earlier why Eyes Only had become so hell bent on bringing down Manticore. She must have known, somewhere, that it was a quest on my "behalf." How could she not see I was grieving? I know Asha most likely has designs on me. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and fighter, but despite all that's gone on, I have absolutely no intention of giving up on Max.
Even if I can't touch her, hold her, kiss her hair... make love to her. Even if I can't trace my fingers along her skin or play with her hair as I watch her sleep.
I am fortune's fool.
But I love her, even if loving her truly kills me, even if I can never kiss her again. I love her. And I'm not going to stop. Nor am I going to let the ghosts of Manticore keep us apart forever. Before, I was fighting for her memory and for my sanity. Now I'm fighting for us. We've gone through too much together for either one of us to give up now.
Am I fortune's fool? Perhaps. But I am Max's love. Even though I have never heard her say the words, I know that she does. She tried to tell me in the woods the night she died, but I wouldn't let her. I told her it could wait. I could see it in her eyes as she frantically tried to get me to leave the penthouse. I could feel it in the way she kissed me, the way she held me. I could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes after I collapsed from the virus. The way she cradled me when I was in pain, and then backed away from me when she realized she was making me sicker. I could see it behind the pain after Manticore had been destroyed and Asha administered the antidote.
She loves me. And I love her. I will be her lover, her future and her forever. I refuse to let us end the way Juliet and her Romeo did. They barely got their happy ever now.
Max and I aren't getting our happy ever now. But I'll be damned if I let those government bastards deny us our happy ever after.
Disclaimer: Cameron is God; I bow before the almighty Eglee, blah blah woof woof. Don't even bother suing me for infringement. I'm a poor college student. The only thing you'll get out of me is my federal loans. But hey, if you want to pay back Uncle Sam instead of me, go for it.
Summary/Spoilers: Reflections in the aftermath of "Designate This."
Rating: I used to be a PG kinda gal. But this year my language might be more colorful. R for language.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
"I am fortune's fool!" ~William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
I had to read "Romeo and Juliet" in high school as part of my freshman year English class. We studied it again my senior rear when I took a drama class to fulfill a graduation requirement. By the time I studied it again in a Shakespearean English course one semester in college, I could practically recite it word for word. Each class I took that studied it approached it from a different perspective. By the third time around I figured I understood it completely, from every noteworthy perspective: literary, dramatic, socio-economic, psychological....
How wrong I was.
I didn't understand it at all.
Not until I began studying it from a personal perspective.
It seems cliché to compare my relationship with Max to that of Romeo and Juliet. It seems, in a way, too academic, too tired, and too unoriginal. I'm hardly any Romeo-crippled, walking only with help from a stolen prototype, a journalist without a face, a man ashamed of his blood family. And for as much poetry as I may have written about Max, she is hardly the naïve ingénue.
However, as much as I'd like *not* to compare us to those star-crossed lovers, how can I not? Despite our best-although admittedly stubborn and sometimes hackneyed-efforts, Fate is keeping me from my love.
Hell, Fate's fuckin' laughing at me.
I *am* fortune's fool.
How foolish, how naïve was I, to believe that such a miracle could come without a hefty price? After all Max and I have been through, after all the pain and grief we've endured, how could I have so easily thought that her resurrection would mean a new start for us? I know Manticore, I know its tricks. How could I have not thought that it was too easy for her to just show up in my apartment, leaner, her hair longer, her eyes dimmer, devoid of their magic and spark? How could I have allowed myself to be ruled by my shock and joy? Shouldn't I have been more cautious? She could have been a clone. But I knew she wasn't. I could feel that she was Max. My Max. And I knew my Max would never be turned.
I suppose that it's a good thing I kissed Max. If we had waited, and I had gotten my broadcast out, Manticore would have been cauterized, and the antidote along with it. Alec called it an antigen, but I think he had his terminology confused. If it *had* been an antigen, I would be immune to the retrovirus that still lies within my beloved. Manticore was smarter and more advanced than even *we* gave them credit for. Three billion bases in the human genome and they managed to find every single fucking one of mine and screw with it, turn it into a tiny super virus, then put it back in Max via some horrific torture method, I'm sure, and wait for her to kill me without even realizing she had the power. Renfro must have known how intense and special out relationship was...is-to know that Max would go to Eyes Only first, that she would unwittingly infect him with her Judas kiss.
I'm fortune's fool, and I am fate's whipping boy.
After wallowing in my grief and despair for so long, I moved on to quiet rage and dedicated vengeance. I effectively fired Bling, my closet friend after Max. I kept my distance from Original Cindy. Eyes Only focused almost exclusively on bringing down Manticore. On avenging Max. Even though in my dreams she was alive, and in my heart I couldn't shake the feeling that she was gone, my brain and eyes had seen her die. My arms had held her bloody and limp form as I wept openly over her body. It was those memories, seared into my brain, that fueled my quest.
"You knew one of them, didn't you?"
"Her name was Max."
"They killed her, didn't they?"
"I watched her die. The thing is, I can't really believe she's gone. I don't believe it. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like... she's still out there."
Truthfully, I'm surprised Asha didn't ask earlier why Eyes Only had become so hell bent on bringing down Manticore. She must have known, somewhere, that it was a quest on my "behalf." How could she not see I was grieving? I know Asha most likely has designs on me. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and fighter, but despite all that's gone on, I have absolutely no intention of giving up on Max.
Even if I can't touch her, hold her, kiss her hair... make love to her. Even if I can't trace my fingers along her skin or play with her hair as I watch her sleep.
I am fortune's fool.
But I love her, even if loving her truly kills me, even if I can never kiss her again. I love her. And I'm not going to stop. Nor am I going to let the ghosts of Manticore keep us apart forever. Before, I was fighting for her memory and for my sanity. Now I'm fighting for us. We've gone through too much together for either one of us to give up now.
Am I fortune's fool? Perhaps. But I am Max's love. Even though I have never heard her say the words, I know that she does. She tried to tell me in the woods the night she died, but I wouldn't let her. I told her it could wait. I could see it in her eyes as she frantically tried to get me to leave the penthouse. I could feel it in the way she kissed me, the way she held me. I could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes after I collapsed from the virus. The way she cradled me when I was in pain, and then backed away from me when she realized she was making me sicker. I could see it behind the pain after Manticore had been destroyed and Asha administered the antidote.
She loves me. And I love her. I will be her lover, her future and her forever. I refuse to let us end the way Juliet and her Romeo did. They barely got their happy ever now.
Max and I aren't getting our happy ever now. But I'll be damned if I let those government bastards deny us our happy ever after.
