Author's Notes: Here's chapter three. Sorry it took so long. School and life are getting in my way. Thanks to Lady Callie for betaing and for helping me with the chapter title (it's a reference to Alecs barcode number, 494). As always, none of it's mine, all of it's Chick's and Jim's, please don't sue...
Summary/Spoilers: This is the chapter for "Proof of Purchase"
Rating: R for language.
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Oh god.
Oh god.
I'm sorry Logan.
I'm so, so sorry.
~*~
She came in looking world-weary.
Asha and I were working on some S1W/Eyes Only stuff when Max picked my lock and came walking in. I sensed her presence before I heard her. I looked up and found her large dark eyes, usually so expressive, empty and mournful. She stared at Asha and me for a moment, somewhat wistfully, as though she was remembering the time when we used to be like this, talking over missions, in such close space. Truth be told, I'd rather Asha *not* get as close as she does to me, but considering the state of affairs between Max and I and the fact that her time is spent saving the latest transgenic of the week, I need someone around to do Eyes Only errands. Besides, Asha's group reminds me of how I used to be; idealistic, driven, obsessed with the fight for justice. I was like that until Max came into my life. She taught me that sometimes there are more important things to fight for than justice. I hope one day someone will teach Asha the same lesson. I just hope the woman doesn't think I'm going to be the one to teach her.
Max turned her gaze from Asha and settled it on me, casting me a glance in an unspoken code established when we met a lifetime ago. Then she walked away from the entrance to my office towards the living room. I looked at Asha, uncertain of how to politely kick her out. Thankfully, by now Asha has learned that Max is my top priority, and whether she agrees with it or not, she nodded, gathered up her things, and left with a quick "See you later."
I knew something was wrong with Max. I wondered if the lab tech couldn't replicate the cure. I would hope she'd be happier if he had been successful. Taking a deep breath, I stood and walked into the living room. God, this moment could be so perfect. Me walking, the most beautiful woman in the world in my living room, waiting for me. If only I hadn't seen the pain in her eyes...
I found her sitting curled up on the couch, staring out the large window. She turned her head and I saw the tears and remorse in her eyes. For a moment, I was transported back in time to the night Ben died, the horrible night Lydecker sent me those pictures and tried to convince me that Max was nothing but a killer. God, how wrong he was. It's ironic that no more than six weeks later he switched sides, and became perhaps our arguably best ally.
Another deep breath.
"Max," I said gently. My beautiful, tortured angel would not look at me. God, how I wanted to hold her, to kiss her softly and make all her pain-and mine-go away forever.But the distance between us was palpable, as was her grief, and I knew that whatever was to come was not going to be good. I sat on the edge of the coffee table, seeing her flinch at how closely we were sitting.
"Max," I said again, making sure to keep my voice calm, primarily because I did not want to betray my own fear. I had no idea what had happened to cause her so much pain. "Talk to me," I begged.
She sighed, her small, thin frame deflating with the action. It still amazes me how much three months at Manticore changed her. Not only did she have her greatest fear realized, but she had to go through so many circles of hell I did not understand how she survived. There is still a lot I don't know about the three months she was away from me. We spent so much of our time together dwelling on how we can't be together that by the time I stop being enough of an ass to know enough to play the supportive...whatever I am...that we're both in too much pain for her to tell me what she had to live through.All I know is that she survived. And so did I. The longer this goes on, the more I try to remember that. We are both survivors. And we will survive this.
~*~
"Talk to me," he begged. God Logan, how can you be so goddamned amazing? If you only knew what I have to tell you. I wish I could say that I know you well enough to say that you won't be angry or hurt by what I am about to tell you, but how can you not be? I blew it for us. Again. I took a deep breath, still refusing to meet his beautiful eyes. Why does he have to be so fucking gorgeous that it hurts me physically to be this close to him and not be able to touch him, to hold him, to feel his lips upon mine, upon every part of my body, to feel whole and complete, finally, for the first time, forever.
Oh god.
"IletthelabtechblazewithyourcashbeforehefoundacureforusbecauseheusedthemoneytosaveAlec," I said in one big rush. I felt defeated. I felt as though I was now truly alone. Surely, Logan wouldn't want anything to do with me now. Not only had I wasted his money, money he can't afford to waste, but I also wasted whatever chance was left for us.
I heard him gasp, and try to process what I had just said. "Say it again," he ordered in a tone I was unable to discern.
Another deep breath. "I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."
The silence was horrible. I could see him practically deflate, as if I had just sucked all the energy out of him. Maybe Renfro was right. Maybe I am poison. I mean, she made damned sure that I *literally* am poison to Logan. Maybe it's a sign from the Fates, The Powers that Be, or Ja, or God, or whomever.
"Logan," I begged. "Say something. Please."
Now it was his turn to refuse to look at me.
~*~
"I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."
Her words hung in the air, thick, like a putrid smell.
For a long time, I couldn't find the breath or the words to ask her why. Why? Why did she let him get away? She's a fucking transgenic super soldier. Why did she have to save Alec? What the hell went wrong with *another* member of her family that she had to sacrifice us *again* in the name of being the Great Protector for all Lost and Confused Manticore Creations. The two of us are a goddamned freak show.
I looked at her, my eyes blazing with anger and pain. I couldn't understand how she could have done such a thing. I could see the tears and the remorse in her face, but in that moment I didn't care. Things had been so goddamned difficult in our entire relationship, why had she let it get even more fucked up?
"Why?" I managed to choke out, not really caring if my anger hurt her. You know, it's funny. I would give anything to keep Max from being hurt. From hurting her. I would give the exo, what remains of my fortune, my very life, to keep her from pain. It's amazing what anger and despair will turn you into.
~*~
God, he's so angry with me. I knew he would be. Dammit, didn't he know I was dying inside as it was? Couldn't he see my pain? I guess he was too busy being blinded by his own.I took a deep breath and tried to give as condensed a version as possible. I struggled to keep myself from getting angry with him for being angry with me. But then again, I had blown ten grand he couldn't exactly afford to lose. Never mind the fact I had lost possibly our last chance to be together.
"White tricked up a mini explosive device inside Alec's head. He told Alec he'd only disarm it if Alec killed three transgenics. I was supposed to be his third victim." I saw Logan suck in abreath at that. It made me glad to know he wasn't so angry with me that it was completely blinding his feelings for me. Not that those feelings can excuse what I did.
"He didn't kill you," Logan said slowly, his tone so even and devoid of emotion it scared me.
*No shit Sherlock,* I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "He *couldn't* kill me. He had me pinned to the ground and was about to bring the knife down but he couldn't do it. He stuck it in the ground near my head instead." Logan nodded imperceptibly and I continued. "So Joshua and I took him to see the tech to get the bomb out of his head. It was set to explode within the half hour. The tech said he could do it, but it was either removing the device from Alec's head, or curing the virus. One or the other, not both."
Logan looked down. "So then what happened?" he asked. "The tech saved the day and you let him go?"
"What was I supposed to do?" I challenged, beginning to seethe. He was making it sound so simple, so black and white. I would have thought that by now Logan would have realized most things in this world aren't black and white, but instead various shades of gray. "He wasn't willing to stick around Seattle long enough for me to drum up more cash." Logan refused to look at me.
Momentarily forgetting about the virus I moved to sit on the coffee table, facing him. When I got too close, I saw him flinch and my heart broke all over again. I stood in place, my head down, a million horrible emotions burning through me. And what killed me most was that the man whom I longed to hold, who I wished more than anything would hold me and make the pain stop, couldn't. And he wouldn't even look at me.
~*~
We sat in silence for hours. Well, not really, but it seemed that way. I know I flinched when she came near. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt her. I admit, by that point my rage had turned into seething anger and hurt. God, we're always hurting. Why can't we just be happy?
"Max," I began. I didn't know what to say. I knew she was hurting enough and I wasn't helping. Once again I was failing her. Logan Cale, man of words, can't find the right words to ease the pain of the woman he loves. God, how I wanted to reach out to her. To physically touch her. Even with my own hurt feelings I was beginning to fully realize how much hell she was going through inside.
Tentatively, I leaned forward and nudged her knee with my forearm. I figured it was covered and so was her leg so we were pretty safe. She jumped at my touch and looked at me. I could see the fear and shock in her eyes. There was so much emotion in her eyes. It was part of what had made me fall in love with her.
I cocked my head slightly, indicating that she should sit on the coffee table like she had planned.
She wouldn't budge.
"Max, sit down," I said quietly. "Please."
~*~
"Please."
God. Does he know what his voice alone does to me? My mind was still reeling from the fact that he had touched me. How crazy and stupid was he? It took a long time for my muddled brain to register that his clothed arm had touched my clothed leg. I looked down at him and saw his beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me. "Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel" he had once written about me. My response? "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock."
*Come on Maxie, just tell him. Tell him why you saved Alec instead of your relationship with him? Tell him why you showed up on his doorstep all those months ago, weeping uncontrollably. Tell him why things weren't so good between us for a while before the heat struck*. Damn my inner monologue.
Sighing, I sat down on the table near him, careful not to get too close. "Logan," I said slowly. "I have something I have to tell you."
"It's okay," he said, only half-convincingly. "I understand."
"No," I said quickly. "You don't. Not at all."
"Max, Alec's your family. You always help your family," Logan said, and I could barely detect any bitterness in his voice. Either he was sincere, or getting better at bullshitting me.
"It's more than that Logan," I said. "I mean, he wasn't part of our original group. He wasn't with us in Gillette. He's a pain in my ass, not to mention a cold-blooded, opportunistic showoff who thought he could run his game on a major bad guy who, it turns out, is an even bigger scumbag than he is." I took a breath.
"He's a human being Max," Logan said. "You're not an animal." He sighed. "I'm sorry for being so angry. It's not your fault the tech skipped town. You did what you had to do."
"More than you know," I murmured.
"What?" Logan asked, clearly dumbfounded.
This was it. The moment of truth. And I knew there was no easy way to say it. "Alec is Ben's twin," I said softly.
~*~
"Alec is Ben's twin."
My heart nearly stopped. Good God. Those bastards at Manticore were truly animals. Not only had they tried to force Max to copulate with someone who was, for all intents and purposes her brother, but they tried to force her to copulate with the identical twin of her *dead* brother. Never mind the fact that said identical twin was now in Seattle. "Oh Max," I said. "I'm so sorry."
She looked at me and there were tears in her eyes once more. "There's more you don't know."
Oh God. I didn't know what was coming next. Was Max going to tell me that she and Alec had in fact followed Renfro's orders. No, she couldn't have. I know Max. I knew she wouldn't have done that. What was it that she was going to tell me? I took a deep breath. Whatever it was, I was going to be strong. For her. Max never let herself cry, so whatever she was about to tell me was obviously going to be something huge. I wasn't going to fail her again.
"What Max?" I ventured cautiously. "What don't I know?"
~*~
He's so good to me. Dear God, I don't deserve him. Ten minutes ago he was furious with me, and rightly so, and now there's so much kindness and gentleness in his voice I could have wept. Fuck. I'm crying. God, why can't things ever be easy? Why does my life have to suck so much so often? Why can't good things happen to me and the people I love?
What I wouldn't give for Logan to hold me right now. Just hold me. Let me weep. Help me exorcise at least one demon. Granted, he did help me, right after the fact, all those months ago. But I couldn't tell him then that I was a killer. That I had killed my own brother. Oh god...Logan please...just hold me....
"I killed Ben."
There. I said it. If he didn't hate me before he sure as shit is gonna hate me now. I've lost him.
~*~
"I killed Ben."
No sooner were the words out of her mouth than Max began to sob. She wept with her whole body. The pain of it all seeped from her every pore. I remembered the night Ben died, the night she came to me, very much in this same state, and I remember thinking that I hoped she hadn't been the one who had stopped Ben. Now I find that she was.
My poor angel. My poor sweet love. The pain she has had to endure.
At that moment any residual anger or resentment I felt went flying out the window. I watched the woman I love sit before me and cry gutturally and my heart broke for her. I couldn't stand to sit by and bear silent witness to her grief.
As quickly as I could I went to my bedroom and took a pillow and the comforter from it. Thank God for the exo. I raced back to the living room and sat on the couch. I placed the pillow in my lap and the top of the comforter over it. The comforter extended the length of the couch, and covered not only the leather, but also any part of me that might have been exposed. "Max," I said gently, trying to reach her. "Max sweetheart, come here."
Her eyes still raining grief she looked at me, confused and horrified.
"It's okay Max. I think I've got it covered. We won't touch skin to skin. Just come here. You need to be touched."
I don't remember when things between Max and I became so forward, so blunt. I just know now that we can't hide from each other. I looked at her, beseeching her with my eyes to come take comfort with me, take as much as I could give her.
Still sobbing, Max rose from her seat on the coffee table and sat beside me on the blanket. Slowly, she laid down so that her head was in my lap. She curled inward, her face a hair's breadth away from the blanket over my stomach. I slowly wrapped the blanket around her, pulling her more tightly to me so that she was completely curled around my body. After more or less completely swaddling her, I ran my hand over her back, murmuring soothing gibberish to her as she wept.
~*~
I don't remember much after I settled my head in Logan's lap. I remember him swaddling me in the blanket. I remember him touching me through the blanket. I remember hearing his voice, but I couldn't tell you what he said to me. I remember weeping so much my insides hurt. I think I kept whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." over and over and over until my throat and my head and my eyes and my entire being hurt too much to cry anymore. I have no idea how long we stayed there like that. I just know that I wept until my body had no more tears to give. I think I was weeping for more than just Ben. I think I was weeping for all my dead siblings, for my lost childhood, and for the man who's arms could only be around me by virtue of cotton and down.
After my tears ran dry, I stayed lying in Logan's embrace, taking whatever comfort and solace I could from it. It was a dangerous and addictive game to play, one I knew we wouldn't be able to repeat, and I was damned if I wasn't going to take everything I could from it. We were silent for a long time. He held me and I let him hold me and we both took the comfort we could. Through the blanket I felt his fingers lightly trace the lines of my back.
Eventually, I broke he silence. "He asked me to do it." My voice sounded so rough, so not like my own.
"Max," he sad gently, his touch on my back firmer, more reassuring, telling me with hands and voice that he didn't need to know, that everything was okay, that I didn't need to tell him if I didn't want to.
I didn't want to.
I *had* to.
"I followed Ben and Father Destry through the forest. When I caught up to them, I couldn't persuade Ben to let him go. He said he had to show me, to prove to me that what he was doing, to make me understand. I already understood. He was so messed up, so scared of becoming a nomalie that he inadvertently became one. And he couldn't bring himself to kill himself, so he was trying to get someone else to do it for him." I heard myself laugh bitterly. "He got what he wanted."
"Max," Logan said again, looking down at me.
I returned his gaze, "We fought and I broke his leg. I remember, when he fell down, he was gasping. He tried to sit up but couldn't. I knelt next to him and tried to help him up but then we heard the helicopters. Lydecker was so close. Ben begged me not to leave him. He was so scared of being alone. But I couldn't carry him. We were too deep in the woods and Lydecker was too close. We would have both been caught. But Ben already knew that. He wasn't asking me to carry him." I paused. "He didn't want to end up like one of the monsters in the basement." The mirthless laugh came again. "If he only knew what Manticore really had hidden in the basement." I felt Logan stroke my back soothingly and it gave me the strength to go on. " I told Ben to tell me about the Good Place, where no one ever gets punished. And no one gets yelled at. He said the Good Place was where no one ever disappeared. He said in the Good Place you could stay in bed as long as you want. Only he never finished the sentence. I didn't let him."
I snuggled deeper into Logan, trying to get closer, to finally be warm.
"It was over so quick. One flick of the wrist, torque and pressure, like pulling a rappelling line. He just stopped talking and his eyes closed. Just like that he was gone. I stayed there and cried for a while. After that...you know the rest."
I took another deep breath. This one felt easier than any breaths I'd taken in a long time, like a huge weight had finally been lifted.
God, why hadn't I opened myself up to Logan before? I hope he knows how healing his mere presence is for me. His voice is this balm and his touch is so soothing to me, even through a blanket. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank him enough, or apologize enough.
~*~
God, my love is so strong. I don't know how she's survived through everything she has.
"Max," I say gently. "Ben's death is not your fault. You couldn't let him be taken back to Manticore. You know what they would have done to him there. You know he wouldn't have survived in the real world." I didn't know if I was saying the right thing to her. I hoped simply my being there was enough. I didn't know what else could do. Kissing her was definitely out.
"I know," my angel said quietly. "It just hurt for so long. And then when I saw Alec it was like I was being given a second chance to do right by Ben." She chuckled. "Not that he's making it easy."
I laughed. "Max, it's okay. Don't worry about what happened with the tech. We'll find another way."
Max sighed, "I don't know how many more second chances we're going to get."
I nodded, "Don't think of them as second chances. Think of them as Fate's roadblocks." I had to laugh at that. It was such optimistic bullshit.
Max chuckled slightly, "Damn you and your optimism. And you know what? Fuck Fate and her roadblocks. I'm getting damned sick of them." My angel looked up at me. "I wish we didn't need half the inventory of Linens N' Things for you to hold me."
"Soon, Max," I promised. She yawned in response. "Sleep, angel," I told her. "It's been a long couple of days. Even super girls need their rest."
She smiled, "This super girl's only gonna sleep if her rock promises not to make her get up yet."
I raised a brow, "You're rock huh?"
"'Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel,'" she quoted.
I laughed, "So you *did* take it!" I had wondered where that thing got to.
"Hell yes!" she replied. Looking up at me with her big brown doe eyes, she said to me, "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock. "
Overwhelmed with emotion I lowered my face to inches from hers and kissed the air near her cheek. It only took her but a moment before she played along and retuned the kiss to the air near my cheek.
"Good night Logan," she whispered, closing her beautiful eyes.
"Good night my angel," I replied, refusing to close my own eyes. I was fully intent on spending the entire time watching her sleep. I knew moments like this were not going to come easily any time soon. I was damned if I was going to let Fate steal this moment from me.
Tonight, in whatever time we had, in whatever way we could, Max was mine.
~*~
"Good night my angel," I heard Logan reply. I smiled and settled down to sleep. The boy can be such a cornball romantic some times.
But he's mine.
At least for tonight. In the morning the world will go back to being broken and the virus will still be a pain in my ass and so will Alec. But for the moment I was content to let myself sleep in the arms of my rock. My strength.
My love.
Summary/Spoilers: This is the chapter for "Proof of Purchase"
Rating: R for language.
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Oh god.
Oh god.
I'm sorry Logan.
I'm so, so sorry.
~*~
She came in looking world-weary.
Asha and I were working on some S1W/Eyes Only stuff when Max picked my lock and came walking in. I sensed her presence before I heard her. I looked up and found her large dark eyes, usually so expressive, empty and mournful. She stared at Asha and me for a moment, somewhat wistfully, as though she was remembering the time when we used to be like this, talking over missions, in such close space. Truth be told, I'd rather Asha *not* get as close as she does to me, but considering the state of affairs between Max and I and the fact that her time is spent saving the latest transgenic of the week, I need someone around to do Eyes Only errands. Besides, Asha's group reminds me of how I used to be; idealistic, driven, obsessed with the fight for justice. I was like that until Max came into my life. She taught me that sometimes there are more important things to fight for than justice. I hope one day someone will teach Asha the same lesson. I just hope the woman doesn't think I'm going to be the one to teach her.
Max turned her gaze from Asha and settled it on me, casting me a glance in an unspoken code established when we met a lifetime ago. Then she walked away from the entrance to my office towards the living room. I looked at Asha, uncertain of how to politely kick her out. Thankfully, by now Asha has learned that Max is my top priority, and whether she agrees with it or not, she nodded, gathered up her things, and left with a quick "See you later."
I knew something was wrong with Max. I wondered if the lab tech couldn't replicate the cure. I would hope she'd be happier if he had been successful. Taking a deep breath, I stood and walked into the living room. God, this moment could be so perfect. Me walking, the most beautiful woman in the world in my living room, waiting for me. If only I hadn't seen the pain in her eyes...
I found her sitting curled up on the couch, staring out the large window. She turned her head and I saw the tears and remorse in her eyes. For a moment, I was transported back in time to the night Ben died, the horrible night Lydecker sent me those pictures and tried to convince me that Max was nothing but a killer. God, how wrong he was. It's ironic that no more than six weeks later he switched sides, and became perhaps our arguably best ally.
Another deep breath.
"Max," I said gently. My beautiful, tortured angel would not look at me. God, how I wanted to hold her, to kiss her softly and make all her pain-and mine-go away forever.But the distance between us was palpable, as was her grief, and I knew that whatever was to come was not going to be good. I sat on the edge of the coffee table, seeing her flinch at how closely we were sitting.
"Max," I said again, making sure to keep my voice calm, primarily because I did not want to betray my own fear. I had no idea what had happened to cause her so much pain. "Talk to me," I begged.
She sighed, her small, thin frame deflating with the action. It still amazes me how much three months at Manticore changed her. Not only did she have her greatest fear realized, but she had to go through so many circles of hell I did not understand how she survived. There is still a lot I don't know about the three months she was away from me. We spent so much of our time together dwelling on how we can't be together that by the time I stop being enough of an ass to know enough to play the supportive...whatever I am...that we're both in too much pain for her to tell me what she had to live through.All I know is that she survived. And so did I. The longer this goes on, the more I try to remember that. We are both survivors. And we will survive this.
~*~
"Talk to me," he begged. God Logan, how can you be so goddamned amazing? If you only knew what I have to tell you. I wish I could say that I know you well enough to say that you won't be angry or hurt by what I am about to tell you, but how can you not be? I blew it for us. Again. I took a deep breath, still refusing to meet his beautiful eyes. Why does he have to be so fucking gorgeous that it hurts me physically to be this close to him and not be able to touch him, to hold him, to feel his lips upon mine, upon every part of my body, to feel whole and complete, finally, for the first time, forever.
Oh god.
"IletthelabtechblazewithyourcashbeforehefoundacureforusbecauseheusedthemoneytosaveAlec," I said in one big rush. I felt defeated. I felt as though I was now truly alone. Surely, Logan wouldn't want anything to do with me now. Not only had I wasted his money, money he can't afford to waste, but I also wasted whatever chance was left for us.
I heard him gasp, and try to process what I had just said. "Say it again," he ordered in a tone I was unable to discern.
Another deep breath. "I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."
The silence was horrible. I could see him practically deflate, as if I had just sucked all the energy out of him. Maybe Renfro was right. Maybe I am poison. I mean, she made damned sure that I *literally* am poison to Logan. Maybe it's a sign from the Fates, The Powers that Be, or Ja, or God, or whomever.
"Logan," I begged. "Say something. Please."
Now it was his turn to refuse to look at me.
~*~
"I let the lab tech blaze with you cash before he found a cure for us because he used the money to save Alec."
Her words hung in the air, thick, like a putrid smell.
For a long time, I couldn't find the breath or the words to ask her why. Why? Why did she let him get away? She's a fucking transgenic super soldier. Why did she have to save Alec? What the hell went wrong with *another* member of her family that she had to sacrifice us *again* in the name of being the Great Protector for all Lost and Confused Manticore Creations. The two of us are a goddamned freak show.
I looked at her, my eyes blazing with anger and pain. I couldn't understand how she could have done such a thing. I could see the tears and the remorse in her face, but in that moment I didn't care. Things had been so goddamned difficult in our entire relationship, why had she let it get even more fucked up?
"Why?" I managed to choke out, not really caring if my anger hurt her. You know, it's funny. I would give anything to keep Max from being hurt. From hurting her. I would give the exo, what remains of my fortune, my very life, to keep her from pain. It's amazing what anger and despair will turn you into.
~*~
God, he's so angry with me. I knew he would be. Dammit, didn't he know I was dying inside as it was? Couldn't he see my pain? I guess he was too busy being blinded by his own.I took a deep breath and tried to give as condensed a version as possible. I struggled to keep myself from getting angry with him for being angry with me. But then again, I had blown ten grand he couldn't exactly afford to lose. Never mind the fact I had lost possibly our last chance to be together.
"White tricked up a mini explosive device inside Alec's head. He told Alec he'd only disarm it if Alec killed three transgenics. I was supposed to be his third victim." I saw Logan suck in abreath at that. It made me glad to know he wasn't so angry with me that it was completely blinding his feelings for me. Not that those feelings can excuse what I did.
"He didn't kill you," Logan said slowly, his tone so even and devoid of emotion it scared me.
*No shit Sherlock,* I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "He *couldn't* kill me. He had me pinned to the ground and was about to bring the knife down but he couldn't do it. He stuck it in the ground near my head instead." Logan nodded imperceptibly and I continued. "So Joshua and I took him to see the tech to get the bomb out of his head. It was set to explode within the half hour. The tech said he could do it, but it was either removing the device from Alec's head, or curing the virus. One or the other, not both."
Logan looked down. "So then what happened?" he asked. "The tech saved the day and you let him go?"
"What was I supposed to do?" I challenged, beginning to seethe. He was making it sound so simple, so black and white. I would have thought that by now Logan would have realized most things in this world aren't black and white, but instead various shades of gray. "He wasn't willing to stick around Seattle long enough for me to drum up more cash." Logan refused to look at me.
Momentarily forgetting about the virus I moved to sit on the coffee table, facing him. When I got too close, I saw him flinch and my heart broke all over again. I stood in place, my head down, a million horrible emotions burning through me. And what killed me most was that the man whom I longed to hold, who I wished more than anything would hold me and make the pain stop, couldn't. And he wouldn't even look at me.
~*~
We sat in silence for hours. Well, not really, but it seemed that way. I know I flinched when she came near. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt her. I admit, by that point my rage had turned into seething anger and hurt. God, we're always hurting. Why can't we just be happy?
"Max," I began. I didn't know what to say. I knew she was hurting enough and I wasn't helping. Once again I was failing her. Logan Cale, man of words, can't find the right words to ease the pain of the woman he loves. God, how I wanted to reach out to her. To physically touch her. Even with my own hurt feelings I was beginning to fully realize how much hell she was going through inside.
Tentatively, I leaned forward and nudged her knee with my forearm. I figured it was covered and so was her leg so we were pretty safe. She jumped at my touch and looked at me. I could see the fear and shock in her eyes. There was so much emotion in her eyes. It was part of what had made me fall in love with her.
I cocked my head slightly, indicating that she should sit on the coffee table like she had planned.
She wouldn't budge.
"Max, sit down," I said quietly. "Please."
~*~
"Please."
God. Does he know what his voice alone does to me? My mind was still reeling from the fact that he had touched me. How crazy and stupid was he? It took a long time for my muddled brain to register that his clothed arm had touched my clothed leg. I looked down at him and saw his beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me. "Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel" he had once written about me. My response? "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock."
*Come on Maxie, just tell him. Tell him why you saved Alec instead of your relationship with him? Tell him why you showed up on his doorstep all those months ago, weeping uncontrollably. Tell him why things weren't so good between us for a while before the heat struck*. Damn my inner monologue.
Sighing, I sat down on the table near him, careful not to get too close. "Logan," I said slowly. "I have something I have to tell you."
"It's okay," he said, only half-convincingly. "I understand."
"No," I said quickly. "You don't. Not at all."
"Max, Alec's your family. You always help your family," Logan said, and I could barely detect any bitterness in his voice. Either he was sincere, or getting better at bullshitting me.
"It's more than that Logan," I said. "I mean, he wasn't part of our original group. He wasn't with us in Gillette. He's a pain in my ass, not to mention a cold-blooded, opportunistic showoff who thought he could run his game on a major bad guy who, it turns out, is an even bigger scumbag than he is." I took a breath.
"He's a human being Max," Logan said. "You're not an animal." He sighed. "I'm sorry for being so angry. It's not your fault the tech skipped town. You did what you had to do."
"More than you know," I murmured.
"What?" Logan asked, clearly dumbfounded.
This was it. The moment of truth. And I knew there was no easy way to say it. "Alec is Ben's twin," I said softly.
~*~
"Alec is Ben's twin."
My heart nearly stopped. Good God. Those bastards at Manticore were truly animals. Not only had they tried to force Max to copulate with someone who was, for all intents and purposes her brother, but they tried to force her to copulate with the identical twin of her *dead* brother. Never mind the fact that said identical twin was now in Seattle. "Oh Max," I said. "I'm so sorry."
She looked at me and there were tears in her eyes once more. "There's more you don't know."
Oh God. I didn't know what was coming next. Was Max going to tell me that she and Alec had in fact followed Renfro's orders. No, she couldn't have. I know Max. I knew she wouldn't have done that. What was it that she was going to tell me? I took a deep breath. Whatever it was, I was going to be strong. For her. Max never let herself cry, so whatever she was about to tell me was obviously going to be something huge. I wasn't going to fail her again.
"What Max?" I ventured cautiously. "What don't I know?"
~*~
He's so good to me. Dear God, I don't deserve him. Ten minutes ago he was furious with me, and rightly so, and now there's so much kindness and gentleness in his voice I could have wept. Fuck. I'm crying. God, why can't things ever be easy? Why does my life have to suck so much so often? Why can't good things happen to me and the people I love?
What I wouldn't give for Logan to hold me right now. Just hold me. Let me weep. Help me exorcise at least one demon. Granted, he did help me, right after the fact, all those months ago. But I couldn't tell him then that I was a killer. That I had killed my own brother. Oh god...Logan please...just hold me....
"I killed Ben."
There. I said it. If he didn't hate me before he sure as shit is gonna hate me now. I've lost him.
~*~
"I killed Ben."
No sooner were the words out of her mouth than Max began to sob. She wept with her whole body. The pain of it all seeped from her every pore. I remembered the night Ben died, the night she came to me, very much in this same state, and I remember thinking that I hoped she hadn't been the one who had stopped Ben. Now I find that she was.
My poor angel. My poor sweet love. The pain she has had to endure.
At that moment any residual anger or resentment I felt went flying out the window. I watched the woman I love sit before me and cry gutturally and my heart broke for her. I couldn't stand to sit by and bear silent witness to her grief.
As quickly as I could I went to my bedroom and took a pillow and the comforter from it. Thank God for the exo. I raced back to the living room and sat on the couch. I placed the pillow in my lap and the top of the comforter over it. The comforter extended the length of the couch, and covered not only the leather, but also any part of me that might have been exposed. "Max," I said gently, trying to reach her. "Max sweetheart, come here."
Her eyes still raining grief she looked at me, confused and horrified.
"It's okay Max. I think I've got it covered. We won't touch skin to skin. Just come here. You need to be touched."
I don't remember when things between Max and I became so forward, so blunt. I just know now that we can't hide from each other. I looked at her, beseeching her with my eyes to come take comfort with me, take as much as I could give her.
Still sobbing, Max rose from her seat on the coffee table and sat beside me on the blanket. Slowly, she laid down so that her head was in my lap. She curled inward, her face a hair's breadth away from the blanket over my stomach. I slowly wrapped the blanket around her, pulling her more tightly to me so that she was completely curled around my body. After more or less completely swaddling her, I ran my hand over her back, murmuring soothing gibberish to her as she wept.
~*~
I don't remember much after I settled my head in Logan's lap. I remember him swaddling me in the blanket. I remember him touching me through the blanket. I remember hearing his voice, but I couldn't tell you what he said to me. I remember weeping so much my insides hurt. I think I kept whispering, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." over and over and over until my throat and my head and my eyes and my entire being hurt too much to cry anymore. I have no idea how long we stayed there like that. I just know that I wept until my body had no more tears to give. I think I was weeping for more than just Ben. I think I was weeping for all my dead siblings, for my lost childhood, and for the man who's arms could only be around me by virtue of cotton and down.
After my tears ran dry, I stayed lying in Logan's embrace, taking whatever comfort and solace I could from it. It was a dangerous and addictive game to play, one I knew we wouldn't be able to repeat, and I was damned if I wasn't going to take everything I could from it. We were silent for a long time. He held me and I let him hold me and we both took the comfort we could. Through the blanket I felt his fingers lightly trace the lines of my back.
Eventually, I broke he silence. "He asked me to do it." My voice sounded so rough, so not like my own.
"Max," he sad gently, his touch on my back firmer, more reassuring, telling me with hands and voice that he didn't need to know, that everything was okay, that I didn't need to tell him if I didn't want to.
I didn't want to.
I *had* to.
"I followed Ben and Father Destry through the forest. When I caught up to them, I couldn't persuade Ben to let him go. He said he had to show me, to prove to me that what he was doing, to make me understand. I already understood. He was so messed up, so scared of becoming a nomalie that he inadvertently became one. And he couldn't bring himself to kill himself, so he was trying to get someone else to do it for him." I heard myself laugh bitterly. "He got what he wanted."
"Max," Logan said again, looking down at me.
I returned his gaze, "We fought and I broke his leg. I remember, when he fell down, he was gasping. He tried to sit up but couldn't. I knelt next to him and tried to help him up but then we heard the helicopters. Lydecker was so close. Ben begged me not to leave him. He was so scared of being alone. But I couldn't carry him. We were too deep in the woods and Lydecker was too close. We would have both been caught. But Ben already knew that. He wasn't asking me to carry him." I paused. "He didn't want to end up like one of the monsters in the basement." The mirthless laugh came again. "If he only knew what Manticore really had hidden in the basement." I felt Logan stroke my back soothingly and it gave me the strength to go on. " I told Ben to tell me about the Good Place, where no one ever gets punished. And no one gets yelled at. He said the Good Place was where no one ever disappeared. He said in the Good Place you could stay in bed as long as you want. Only he never finished the sentence. I didn't let him."
I snuggled deeper into Logan, trying to get closer, to finally be warm.
"It was over so quick. One flick of the wrist, torque and pressure, like pulling a rappelling line. He just stopped talking and his eyes closed. Just like that he was gone. I stayed there and cried for a while. After that...you know the rest."
I took another deep breath. This one felt easier than any breaths I'd taken in a long time, like a huge weight had finally been lifted.
God, why hadn't I opened myself up to Logan before? I hope he knows how healing his mere presence is for me. His voice is this balm and his touch is so soothing to me, even through a blanket. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank him enough, or apologize enough.
~*~
God, my love is so strong. I don't know how she's survived through everything she has.
"Max," I say gently. "Ben's death is not your fault. You couldn't let him be taken back to Manticore. You know what they would have done to him there. You know he wouldn't have survived in the real world." I didn't know if I was saying the right thing to her. I hoped simply my being there was enough. I didn't know what else could do. Kissing her was definitely out.
"I know," my angel said quietly. "It just hurt for so long. And then when I saw Alec it was like I was being given a second chance to do right by Ben." She chuckled. "Not that he's making it easy."
I laughed. "Max, it's okay. Don't worry about what happened with the tech. We'll find another way."
Max sighed, "I don't know how many more second chances we're going to get."
I nodded, "Don't think of them as second chances. Think of them as Fate's roadblocks." I had to laugh at that. It was such optimistic bullshit.
Max chuckled slightly, "Damn you and your optimism. And you know what? Fuck Fate and her roadblocks. I'm getting damned sick of them." My angel looked up at me. "I wish we didn't need half the inventory of Linens N' Things for you to hold me."
"Soon, Max," I promised. She yawned in response. "Sleep, angel," I told her. "It's been a long couple of days. Even super girls need their rest."
She smiled, "This super girl's only gonna sleep if her rock promises not to make her get up yet."
I raised a brow, "You're rock huh?"
"'Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel,'" she quoted.
I laughed, "So you *did* take it!" I had wondered where that thing got to.
"Hell yes!" she replied. Looking up at me with her big brown doe eyes, she said to me, "Forever eyes. Crystal. My rock. "
Overwhelmed with emotion I lowered my face to inches from hers and kissed the air near her cheek. It only took her but a moment before she played along and retuned the kiss to the air near my cheek.
"Good night Logan," she whispered, closing her beautiful eyes.
"Good night my angel," I replied, refusing to close my own eyes. I was fully intent on spending the entire time watching her sleep. I knew moments like this were not going to come easily any time soon. I was damned if I was going to let Fate steal this moment from me.
Tonight, in whatever time we had, in whatever way we could, Max was mine.
~*~
"Good night my angel," I heard Logan reply. I smiled and settled down to sleep. The boy can be such a cornball romantic some times.
But he's mine.
At least for tonight. In the morning the world will go back to being broken and the virus will still be a pain in my ass and so will Alec. But for the moment I was content to let myself sleep in the arms of my rock. My strength.
My love.
