Wednesday Morning
Larry Blaisedale's open casket lay at the front of the
chapel. The mourners lined up to pay their last respects: first,
the immediate family, then some members of the High School
football team, then a group of students including Jonathon,
Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia, and finally a few
stragglers. Jonathon bowed his head when he reached the casket,
but otherwise made no sound. Willow turned exceptionally pale as
she reached the front, and Oz steadied her. Oz in turn sucked in
his breath, but his expression didn't change. Xander and Cordelia
stood side-by-side at the coffin; Xander murmured to Cordy, "This
happens too damn often."
They took their seats and watched the last few in line reach the
front. The last man in line, a thin blond teenager, reached the
coffin and gripped its side. After a moment, he turned toward
Larry's family, tears pouring down his eyes. Some of the family
members turned away from him, but most of them greeted him
cordially. An elderly woman got up and hugged him, and Xander's
eyes went wide.
The minister gave a short eulogy, mentioning Larry's school and
football record, his relationship with his family, and the
tragedy of an 18-year-old left mortally-wounded on his graduation
day. Larry's parents made short speeches, and so did one of his
friends on the football team. No one mentioned what actually
happened at graduation, and and no one referred to Larry's being
gay.
After the service was over, the group walked to their cars, and
waited for the funeral procession to sort itself out. Jonathon
asked disgustedly, "Did the minister even know?" They heard a
voice from behind them saying, "I guess he didn't want to get
half the family mad." They turned; it was the blond they had seen
earlier. "Well, that too," Oz said.
"Um, have we met before," asked Cordelia.
"Probably not. I live about twenty miles East of here. You?"
"We knew him from school," said Xander. "Um, you and him were?"
"Dating. We dated a few times."
Xander nodded, and Willow and Cordelia looked at him. "Larry
told me his grandmother had fixed him up."
"Yeah. Sweet old lady. Oh, I'm Tom." The gang introduced
themselves. Tom added, "Did you know him well?"
"A little. We've talked a few times," Jonathon said.
"Oh, right. He told me; you were the one who--sorry." Jonathon
flushed a bit. Tom turned to Xander, and said, "And you were the
one he thought--"
Xander interrupted him: "Please don't go there."
"So, why are you here?"
"For him. For the school. Somebody has to remember," said Willow.
"He was brave; much more than me," added Jonathon.
"He invited me to the school prom, you know. I said no; I was
scared. No matter how tolerant people say they are, you know it's
not really true."
Cordelia replied, "Well, I have to admit there's an 'Ick!' factor
for me." Xander and Willow groaned. "But, hey--you're
human. That's a plus in my book."
"Human--as compared to what? Space aliens?" No one answered
him. "Well, so I was too cowardly to go to his prom, and I didn't
go to his graduation because mine was the same day. You don't
expect anyone our age to die, to die like that."
"Well, I'm glad you could make it here," Xander said.
"Sorry it was like this," added Oz.
The funeral procession was ready to go, and they got into their
cars and joined it. When they reached the cemetery, the heat was
stifling; a breeze did little more than sting their faces. The
six of them stood together in the rear of the mourners, each lost
in thought.
Xander thought of Jesse and the funeral forever denied him, and
Cordelia remembered Kevin, murdered two years before. They
turned to each other and sagged into each other.
Tom stared at the grave and didn't make a sound. When he started
to sway, Jonathon put his arm around Tom's shoulders and they
watched the service together.
Oz and Willow held hands. Oz seemed preternaturally calm; the
only sign that the funeral had affected him was an occasional
series of rapid blinks. Willow listened to the preacher say his
final words about Larry, and soundlessly she began to cry. She
turned to face Oz; he awkwardly patted her hair and then brushed
some of her tears away. A frightened look came over her face, and
she turned away from Oz. Oz wrapped his arms around her waist,
and she started to sob.
The gravediggers lowered the coffin into the grave, and the
mourners came forward to make their final good-byes. Tom and
Jonathon went forward, while the others spared themselves
this. Xander tried to catch Willow's eye, and she said "Go,
Xander. I'll be all right." Her voice was too weak for anyone to
believe, and Oz asked Xander and Cordelia if they could get
Jonathon home. They nodded, and Oz led Willow to his van.
Oz lifted Willow into her seat and carefully buckled the seatbelt
around her, and then he drove them back to her house. At each
stop light and sign, he leaned over and stroked her arm or rubbed
her neck. They got there, and he walked her to her room and
arranged her on her bed. Her sobs had dwindled to the occasional
sniffle, but only because she was exhausted.
Oz sat on the bed next to her and asked, "Where are you, Willow?"
"I should be in Hell."
"Let me in, Will. What happened?"
"They were reading a psalm, and I realized that I want to
live. I'm not leaving--I'm not going to betray Buffy or Giles or
us, but I want to live. I want a life more than just fighting
monsters and evil people."
"That's not a bad thing."
"I don't want to live in fear. I want more out of life than what
Larry got, or all the rest. Then I turned toward you, and I
realized that I wanted to live and love with you. I want marriage
someday, and children, and grandchildren. And I looked at you and
I wanted to kiss you right there, at Larry's funeral." She tried
to turn away, and Oz lifted her into an embrace and kissed her.
Oz said softly to her, "Don't apologize for what you feel. Cry if
you need to, but don't apologize for that." Willow pulled back,
her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Feel, Willow. It's what
makes us human. It's a good thing. I'm sure Larry would
understand. I know I do."
Oz lay back on the bed, and Willow curled up, leaning her head
upon his chest. They pulled the bedspread over them, comforted
each other with kisses and hugs, and finally Willow fell
asleep. Soon, Oz too fell asleep, lulled by her soft breathing
and her familiar scent.
---
Xander and Cordy too had left the funeral soon after Oz and
Willow had; they had gotten Tom to drive Jonathon back to
town. They parked at the old playground; it was nearly empty, as
the heat had driven people to their air-conditioned homes. They
sat on a bench overlooking some toddlers on the swings.
"So, Larry thought you were gay?" Cordelia started to laugh.
"Why don't you tell everybody about that? Shout it out to the
world."
"Oh, Xander. Nobody cares. Besides, I know why he thought that."
"Do tell."
"It's the panic, Xander. He went all macho around girls to hide
his panic about being gay. Now, you can't ever be macho."
"What do you mean? I'm not a 'macho macho man?'"
"Don't even try. It won't work."
"OK, so I'm not a grunting football player."
"No one's asking you to be, except your Dad."
"So?"
"So, you were so panicky around all of us--Larry just assumed
that you were gay. He didn't know you were just being Xander."
"I assume that's not completely an insult."
"Whatever."
Larry Blaisedale's open casket lay at the front of the
chapel. The mourners lined up to pay their last respects: first,
the immediate family, then some members of the High School
football team, then a group of students including Jonathon,
Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia, and finally a few
stragglers. Jonathon bowed his head when he reached the casket,
but otherwise made no sound. Willow turned exceptionally pale as
she reached the front, and Oz steadied her. Oz in turn sucked in
his breath, but his expression didn't change. Xander and Cordelia
stood side-by-side at the coffin; Xander murmured to Cordy, "This
happens too damn often."
They took their seats and watched the last few in line reach the
front. The last man in line, a thin blond teenager, reached the
coffin and gripped its side. After a moment, he turned toward
Larry's family, tears pouring down his eyes. Some of the family
members turned away from him, but most of them greeted him
cordially. An elderly woman got up and hugged him, and Xander's
eyes went wide.
The minister gave a short eulogy, mentioning Larry's school and
football record, his relationship with his family, and the
tragedy of an 18-year-old left mortally-wounded on his graduation
day. Larry's parents made short speeches, and so did one of his
friends on the football team. No one mentioned what actually
happened at graduation, and and no one referred to Larry's being
gay.
After the service was over, the group walked to their cars, and
waited for the funeral procession to sort itself out. Jonathon
asked disgustedly, "Did the minister even know?" They heard a
voice from behind them saying, "I guess he didn't want to get
half the family mad." They turned; it was the blond they had seen
earlier. "Well, that too," Oz said.
"Um, have we met before," asked Cordelia.
"Probably not. I live about twenty miles East of here. You?"
"We knew him from school," said Xander. "Um, you and him were?"
"Dating. We dated a few times."
Xander nodded, and Willow and Cordelia looked at him. "Larry
told me his grandmother had fixed him up."
"Yeah. Sweet old lady. Oh, I'm Tom." The gang introduced
themselves. Tom added, "Did you know him well?"
"A little. We've talked a few times," Jonathon said.
"Oh, right. He told me; you were the one who--sorry." Jonathon
flushed a bit. Tom turned to Xander, and said, "And you were the
one he thought--"
Xander interrupted him: "Please don't go there."
"So, why are you here?"
"For him. For the school. Somebody has to remember," said Willow.
"He was brave; much more than me," added Jonathon.
"He invited me to the school prom, you know. I said no; I was
scared. No matter how tolerant people say they are, you know it's
not really true."
Cordelia replied, "Well, I have to admit there's an 'Ick!' factor
for me." Xander and Willow groaned. "But, hey--you're
human. That's a plus in my book."
"Human--as compared to what? Space aliens?" No one answered
him. "Well, so I was too cowardly to go to his prom, and I didn't
go to his graduation because mine was the same day. You don't
expect anyone our age to die, to die like that."
"Well, I'm glad you could make it here," Xander said.
"Sorry it was like this," added Oz.
The funeral procession was ready to go, and they got into their
cars and joined it. When they reached the cemetery, the heat was
stifling; a breeze did little more than sting their faces. The
six of them stood together in the rear of the mourners, each lost
in thought.
Xander thought of Jesse and the funeral forever denied him, and
Cordelia remembered Kevin, murdered two years before. They
turned to each other and sagged into each other.
Tom stared at the grave and didn't make a sound. When he started
to sway, Jonathon put his arm around Tom's shoulders and they
watched the service together.
Oz and Willow held hands. Oz seemed preternaturally calm; the
only sign that the funeral had affected him was an occasional
series of rapid blinks. Willow listened to the preacher say his
final words about Larry, and soundlessly she began to cry. She
turned to face Oz; he awkwardly patted her hair and then brushed
some of her tears away. A frightened look came over her face, and
she turned away from Oz. Oz wrapped his arms around her waist,
and she started to sob.
The gravediggers lowered the coffin into the grave, and the
mourners came forward to make their final good-byes. Tom and
Jonathon went forward, while the others spared themselves
this. Xander tried to catch Willow's eye, and she said "Go,
Xander. I'll be all right." Her voice was too weak for anyone to
believe, and Oz asked Xander and Cordelia if they could get
Jonathon home. They nodded, and Oz led Willow to his van.
Oz lifted Willow into her seat and carefully buckled the seatbelt
around her, and then he drove them back to her house. At each
stop light and sign, he leaned over and stroked her arm or rubbed
her neck. They got there, and he walked her to her room and
arranged her on her bed. Her sobs had dwindled to the occasional
sniffle, but only because she was exhausted.
Oz sat on the bed next to her and asked, "Where are you, Willow?"
"I should be in Hell."
"Let me in, Will. What happened?"
"They were reading a psalm, and I realized that I want to
live. I'm not leaving--I'm not going to betray Buffy or Giles or
us, but I want to live. I want a life more than just fighting
monsters and evil people."
"That's not a bad thing."
"I don't want to live in fear. I want more out of life than what
Larry got, or all the rest. Then I turned toward you, and I
realized that I wanted to live and love with you. I want marriage
someday, and children, and grandchildren. And I looked at you and
I wanted to kiss you right there, at Larry's funeral." She tried
to turn away, and Oz lifted her into an embrace and kissed her.
Oz said softly to her, "Don't apologize for what you feel. Cry if
you need to, but don't apologize for that." Willow pulled back,
her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Feel, Willow. It's what
makes us human. It's a good thing. I'm sure Larry would
understand. I know I do."
Oz lay back on the bed, and Willow curled up, leaning her head
upon his chest. They pulled the bedspread over them, comforted
each other with kisses and hugs, and finally Willow fell
asleep. Soon, Oz too fell asleep, lulled by her soft breathing
and her familiar scent.
---
Xander and Cordy too had left the funeral soon after Oz and
Willow had; they had gotten Tom to drive Jonathon back to
town. They parked at the old playground; it was nearly empty, as
the heat had driven people to their air-conditioned homes. They
sat on a bench overlooking some toddlers on the swings.
"So, Larry thought you were gay?" Cordelia started to laugh.
"Why don't you tell everybody about that? Shout it out to the
world."
"Oh, Xander. Nobody cares. Besides, I know why he thought that."
"Do tell."
"It's the panic, Xander. He went all macho around girls to hide
his panic about being gay. Now, you can't ever be macho."
"What do you mean? I'm not a 'macho macho man?'"
"Don't even try. It won't work."
"OK, so I'm not a grunting football player."
"No one's asking you to be, except your Dad."
"So?"
"So, you were so panicky around all of us--Larry just assumed
that you were gay. He didn't know you were just being Xander."
"I assume that's not completely an insult."
"Whatever."
