The Talkshow Show
Genre Humor/Talk show
Rating
PG-13
Summary Bambi (that's me) interviews Lily, James,
Sirius, Remus, Snape, Lucius, etc. about some, er- rather personal
questions.
Disclaimer This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. All other aspects of the story, unless otherwise claimed, belong to moi.
A/N: Written back in '01 during my carefree and innocent days smirks Okay, maybe not...
Which Underwear do YOU prefer?
Bambi Welcome to the 101st episode of THE TALKSHOW SHOW!
[clapping and cheering echoes through the room]
Bambi I am your host, Bambi.
[Even louder clapping and cheering echoes through the room]
Bambi I now present to you our guests for this evening – James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Lucius Malfoy aaaand - Severus Snape!
[crowd cheers]
Bambi And today's topic is...
Audience [roars] Which Underwear Do YOU prefer?
Bambi Yes, that's right. We are going to ask each of our guests which underwear they prefer to wear! At the end of the show, we will find out the most popular underwear! [clears throat] Our first victim –er- guest for tonight, James Potter – which underwear does it for you?
James [grins around] Well, I think I'll go with boxers, thanks. They're very comfortable, and I'm a man who lives for comfort. That, and I find them to be very spacious, if you catch my drift, ladies [winks at the ladies in the audience who are throwing their own underwear at him]
Audience [chants] James needs space! James needs space!
Bambi Our next question is directed to Remus Lupin. Remus, which underwear do you wear?
Remus [blushes] Must I say this in front of... [looks around at audience] so many people?
Bambi Yes! You certainly do!
Remus [still blushing] I wear... oh, what the hell! I wear... briefs! There! I said it! [grins happily]
Bambi Okay... um, next person – Lily?
Lily [smiles] Would you believe me if I told you I wear... [leans in for secrecy] nothing?
[crowd goes wild]
Lily Well, bad luck, because I always like to wear my thong!
[crowd goes wild again] LILY! LILY! LILY! LILY!
Bambi [ignores audience] Sirius Black? What underwear do you prefer?
Sirius I prefer whatever my lady prefers me to wear! [winks roguishly] Even if that involves wearing nothing!
Audience [roars] SIRIUS IS A SLAVE TO HIS LADY?
Bambi Okay, that's enough now, next person. we have the luscious Lucius! May I call you Luci?
Lucius [drawls] No, you may not. But, yeah, I wear boxers. With the Malfoy logo on them, of course. Though sometimes... I have to admit that I go commando. [beams at audience]
Audience [screams] LUCIUS! LUCIUS! LUCIUS! LUCIUS! ...
Bambi How many times do I have to tell you – QUIET! Next, we have Severus Snape.
[Snape appears to be very well groomed]
Sirius [laughs] Wow! I see you got the shampoo I sent in the mail!
Snape [narrows eyes] DIE, dog boy!
[Snape bounces onto Sirius and attempts to rip his hair out]
Bambi [looks amused] Now, now, behave yourselves, gentlemen!
Snape [growls] Grrr!
Bambi So, Sevie, what underwear do you prefer?
Snape [screams angrily] Call me Sevie again and DIE!
Bambi Okay, Severus, which underwear do you wear?
Snape [growls again] I'm not telling!
Bambi Why not?
Snape Well, do you really want to know what's separating you and me?
Bambi Actually, yes. Tell me.
Snape Boxers, of course.
Bambi [nods distractedly] Right, right. Do we have anyone else?
Archie ME!
Bambi Me? Who is me?
Archie Why, it's me, Archie!
Bambi Uh, all right, then, Archie, what underwear do you wear?
Archie I like to wear nothing; I like a healthy breeze around my privates, thanks!
Bambi [smirks] ARCHIE! You bad boy, you.
Audience ARCHIE! ARCHIE! ARCHIE! ARCHIE! ...
Bambi [now really pissed off] SHUT UP!
[Everyone is quiet] [noise of pin dropping can be heard]
Bambi [feeling uncomfortable] Uh, well, that's all folks!
Audience FOLKS! FOLKS! FOLKS! ...
Bambi [now really, really pissed off] SHUT THE [long beep is heard] UP!
[Everyone is silent once more]
Bambi Thank you, and see you next week on... THE TALKSHOW SHOW!
Audience TALKSHOW! TALKSHOW! TALKSHOW! TALKSHOW! ...
Bambi [gives them a deadly stare] And, now, we have to say goodnight, but we will see you later! Say hi to your mum for me!
Audience BAMBI! BAMBI! BAMBI! ...
A/N: Be a dear and review, c'mon.
