The Talkshow Show

Genre Humor/Talk show

Rating PG-13
Summary Bambi (that's me) interviews Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Snape, Lucius, etc. about some, er- rather personal questions.

Disclaimer This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. All other aspects of the story, unless otherwise claimed, belong to moi.

A/N: Written back in '01 during my carefree and innocent days smirks Okay, maybe not...

Chapter Three: Do you hear Wedding Bells? I do!

Bambi [screaming]: Welcome to the 103rd show of THE TALKSHOW SHOW!

::Clapping and cheering echoes through the room::

Bambi: I am your host for this evening, Bambi.

::Even louder clapping and cheering echoes through the room (as usual)::

Bambi: Tonight's topic is ...

Audience [roars]: WEDDING

::Clapping and cheering is heard throughout the room::

Bambi: The lucky couple of tonight's special Wedding Episode is: Lily Evans and James Potter.

Audience: WHOOOHOOO!

Bambi: How do you feel about being on TV for your wedding night?

James [smiles at Lily]: I'm not really sure what TV is, but all I care is that I'm with Lily.

Bambi [pretends to gag]: This is too lovey-dovey for me!

Audience [boos at Bambi]: Boo! Boo!

Bambi: Fine, fine, we'll go on with the show!

Audience: On with the show! On with the show! On with the show!

Bambi [makes a 'shhh'ing noise]: Alright, already. Quiet. Now, we have invited their friends, and some other people they might enjoy being with. Here they are: Remus Lupin! Peter Pettigrew! Sirius Black! Severus Snape! Lucius Malfoy, Aaand ... Albus Dumbledore!

::As each of their names is called, they run onto the stage::

James [a little pissed off]: SEVERUS SNAPE? WHY'D YOU INVITE HIM?

Bambi [smiles wickedly]: Oh, I thought you were friends!

Sirius: You thought wrong!

Bambi [ignores him and reads off a little piece of paper]: Let's introduce our bridesmaids! Allie McBain, Minnie House aaand ... Remus Lupin!

Remus: What? I'm not a bridesmaid!

Bambi [looks back at her little piece of paper]: But it says right here ...

Remus: Well I'm not a bridesmaid!

Bambi [smiling]: Would you settle for a bridesman?

Remus [sighs]: Yeah, I suppose.

Audience [roars]: REMUS! REMUS! REMUS! ...

Bambi: That's enough!

Audience:

Bambi: And for the best man tonight ... Sirius Black!

Someone in the audience: GO SIRIUS!

Sirius [bows deeply]: Thank you, thank you.

Bambi [confused]: Alright then ...

Sirius: Do all the ladies in the audience love me?

All the ladies in the audience: YES! WE LOVE YOU!

Bambi: Okay, let's start the wedding!

Radio: Dun, dun, dun, dun ... dun, dun, dun, dun ...

Audience [hums to the music]: Hum, hum, hum, hum ... hum, hum, hum, hum ...

::Lily walks up the aisle, looking absolutely smashing in her white prostitute suit::

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPP!!! wrong script, sorry ...

::Lily walks up the aisle, looking absolutely fabulous in her white wedding dress::

Audience [coos]: Aww, isn't she sweet?

Bambi [doubling as the minister ... well, ministress]: Do you, James Potter, take Lily Evans to be your awfully wedded –

Remus the bridesman [interrupts]: It's lawfully, not awfully!

Bambi [continues]: Sorry, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for life?

All the guys in the audience: I do.

Bambi: I said James Potter!

James [laughs]: I do

Bambi [smirks]: Do you, Lily Evans take James Potter to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil: I do.

Bambi [laughs crazily]: You just said you were getting to a female James Potter

Audience [obviously not impressed]: How lame ... who does she think she is? ... pulling those kind of tricks ... shame on her!

Bambi: Fine, I'm sorry. I pronounce you wife and wife.

::Bambi laughs::

Everyone else [fuming]: That was not funny, Bambi! Stop ruining the wedding!

Bambi: Alright, alright, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

::The lights suddenly go off, as James embraces Lily::

Bambi: Who did that? Carl? No, wait, you're the camera guy ... who's the lighting technician? Oh yeah, Manny! TURN IT BACK ON!

::All the lights suddenly go on then off again::

Everyone [groans]: Oh, Manny!

::The lights go on again::

Manny [in a high, nasal voice, resembling Fran Drescher's]: Sorr-ee. Can't you people accept a joke?

Lil: Uh, James. Why are you kissing Allie McBain?

James [opens his eyes]: Oh! Shit, how did that happen?

Sirius [grins evilly]: I don't know.

Bambi [jokes]: Already cheating ... you should at least wait a few days!

Audience: Ooh!

James [close to hysterics]: I am not!

Lily: You can call me Lil

Everyone [confused]: What's that got to do with anything?

Bambi: Erm, let's continue with the show ... James, Lily, Lil, sorry ... where are you planning to go for a honey moon?

Lil [at the same time as James]: Paris!

James: New York!

:: Look at each other then laugh::

Bambi: How about going to both? Or maybe a trip around the world?

Lil: Okay, sure ... why not?

James: Yep, I'm in!

Bambi: Okie-dokie, next question. Are you planning to have any little ones?

Lil and James [together]: Yes.

Bambi: Would you prefer a girl or a boy?

Lil: Either one – we'll love them the same.

Bambi: Any names picked out?

James: I was thinking Karen and Michael.

Lil: Well, I was thinking more like ... Harold and Harriet!

Bambi [looking at the disagreeing couple]: Well?

James: Harold ... I like that, but Harriet? Really, Lil ...

Lil: What's wrong with Harriet?

James: Well, honey, people will be calling her Harriet the spy, I'm sure she wouldn't really like that.

Bambi: Oh, I definitely agree ... Harriet, a disgusting name!

Lil [raises an eyebrow]: It was my mother's.

Bambi: Uh, sorry, did I say disgusting? I meant fabulously fantastic!

Sirius [giggles]: Caught out!

Bambi [sarcastically]: Thanks for that, Sirius, I didn't notice!

James: And, I don't really like the name Harold, it's a little old fashioned. How about Harry, instead?

Lil: Oh my God. Its perfect.

Sirius: Yeah, I like it, too!

Remus: Me three!

Bambi: Yes, it does have a certain something ...

Snape [laughing at his own joke]: Yeah ... a certain stupidity!

James: Shut up, Snape, no one cares what you think!

Bambi [asks the audience]: What do you think?

Audience: HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY!

Lil and James: Harry it is, then!

Bambi [wiggles eyebrows]: When are you gonna ... uh, start making the baby?

James [looks over at Lily (uh, I mean Lil)]: Well, I don't mind if we start now ...

Sirius: Can I help? It can be an orgy ... it'll be real fun!

James [scowling at Sirius]: I don't think so, Sirius.

Sirius [innocently staring back]: I was just kidding!...

Snape: The name Harry is gay I'm telling you!

Sirius: You're gay!

Remus: What's wrong with being gay?

::Snape stalks out of the room in a huffy::

Bambi: Albus? What do you think about the name?

Dumbledore: I think Harry is a fine choice. I myself would have chosen it.

::Sybil Trelawney enters the room::

Bambi [in a fake cheery voice]: Hello, Syb.

Trelawney: Good evening. I had a strange urge to consult the orb yesterday morning, and I Saw that the child's name will be, in fact, not Harry, but Neville Longbottom.

Bambi [so Trelawney can't hear]: I think she'd better consult her orb again ...

Bambi [looks at her watch and mutters]: We'll have to go overtime ...

A/N: TBC in...The Wedding Episode: OVERTIME! Review please!