Silence.
The room was fill with a thick blackness that shutout even the slightest of sounds. The tray resting on Rocky's left hand trembled a little as he tried to balance it while holding Subaru's door open. "Subaru?" he asked again.
Subaru had been in his room for three days straight. The door was never locked, but before that point Rocky had been afraid to even walk passed it. Somehow realizing that Subaru hadn't eaten in three days gave him strength enough intrude upon the Sumeragi's grieving.
"Go away,"
The voice was frail and cold and it gave Rocky even more courage. Subaru needed him ... well not him specifically. Subaru needed someone and Rocky hoped beyond hope that he could fill in just a little for whoever would have done the best in this position.
"I brought you some soup, you should eat something."
He said it like it justified everything. Everything that lied in the immeasurable distance now between them. He knew Subaru had secrets. He knew that Subaru was not just traveling because of his duty as the head of the Sumeragi. He knew that there was something stalking them. He had felt it several times before...
But he had thought...
He had thought that whatever it was Subaru would be able to beat it, because Subaru never seemed concerned about that darkness always following them-- like mud on the edge of his white coat.
"He's dead," was Subaru's response.
"I know, I saw it," Rocky said softly. "I know he meant a lot to you Subaru--"
Subaru made a dry cracking sound in the back of his throat, and Rocky regretted the stupidity of being considerate. "I brought soup," he repeated
"My god..." Subaru words were mumbled and said to himself alone. They were delivered with familiarity as if he had said them many times before and Rocky presence had barely caused a pause in this ritual. "It's my fault... If I had..."
"It not your fault," Rocky began softly.
"If I hadn't..."
"Subaru, he.."
"Now he's dead and it's my--"
"Subaru..." Rocky reached out helplessly.
"I should have--"
"He deserved to die!" Rocky snapped.
If nothing else had touched Subaru, that did. His head shot up, eyes focusing and seeing Rocky for the first time. Angry, hurt, possibly betrayed eyes.
"He deserved it," Rocky insisted. He had Subaru's attention now, he would not let it go. He would not let him go. "He was the most evil, horrible person ever! This was coming his way for a long time. He deserved it Subaru, it had nothing to do with you."
Subaru's vision sank back of the hardwood floor with a heavy sigh. "He was pure."
Rocky blinked, "Subaru..."
"He was, despite what you think ... that's the truth. That's the truth that killed me as a child, because I couldn't understand it. The conjunction of everything I had been taught was wrong, and evil ... everything I was suppose to prevent as a Sumeragi... And..."
"And? And what Subaru? How can you see good in someone like that?"
Subaru looked up once again, his eyes clear and serious, the shakiness had left. He seemed calm for the first time. His eyes were firm, so were the words he spoke. "There was goodness in the honesty of it. Purity in its simplicity."
Rocky knew very little about Subaru's relationship with the Sakurazukamori, and he didn't want to know what bonds Seishirou had on Subaru soul. He only wanted to break them. He only wanted Subaru to forget.
Please just forget...
"I can't understand," he mumbled. "But I know now that it's over, and even if you sit here for a year and pinned down exactly what went wrong and who's fault that was, and what should have been done to make everyone happy in the end. That still won't change what happened."
Subaru looked sharply at him, a wound that stung Rocky deeply in his heart. "Are you saying that I shouldn't think about it?"
Rocky shifted nervously, his heart pounding and his hands begging for the door. He was challenging something sacred to Subaru, Subaru who was most important to him. He was risking everything. "At times," he began solemnly. "It's good to reflect upon mistakes, to avoid repeating them. At least ... that's what I was taught. But, there are also times when ... the situation is so complicated that it would have been impossible to do everything perfectly, and so unique that it will never occur exactly again ... then I think ... that nothing good will ever come from obsessing over it."
His back ached as his winged begged to be released. They did that when the pain got so great in his heart that the emotions swelled. He felt that he must keep the skin from breaking. He had to learn to control the bonds, because whenever he got nervous or agitated those dark cumbersome wings forced themselves through.
Subaru pressed his lips together in an almost smile. He rose and hid his face in a curtain of short but dark black hair. "Perhaps you're right... I can't change anything now."
Rocky nodded softly and approached Subaru carefully. "Just accept the situation as it is Subaru-san--"
Rocky gasped softly as one of Subaru's long, slender fingers touched his lower lip gracefully. Subaru was close now, not close enough for his gesture to be intimate, but close enough for Rocky to look up into his cryptic green eyes. "Shhh.." Subaru whispered. "You know I don't like that formality, especially from you."
Rocky's face flushed with heat and he turned his head away quickly. He felt Subaru embrace him and his stomach quivered nervously. Suddenly he felt like he was going to throw up. He knew he should be happy about this affection, but at the same time he knew it wasn't real. Subaru's eyes didn't smile at him like his face did. They were hard and cold. And he knew this tenderness, this hug, was not Subaru pulling him close but rejecting him. Giving him the shadow of affection he desperately wanted from the Sumeragi in order to get rid of his nuisance.
That day, he learned to hate. He hated Seishirou for owning something he was so unworthy of. He hated Seishirou because Subaru gave it willingly to him even now that he was dead.
It was bad enough to know that he would never be as important to Subaru as Subaru was to him ... to have the Sumeragi perform for his sake rubbed bitterness into the wound.
----------------
"It honestly never occurred to me that he might be as trapped by our relationship as I was. The chains went both ways I suppose."
"Well of course," I said. "When you're chained to something it's also changed to you. It's entirely up to your perspective in the matter."
"Then logically, the more completely you own something... more completely it owns you."
"Perhaps," I considered. "So you're saying that Seishirou-san wanted out?"
"I dunno," Subaru shrugged. "That was the funny thing about us. I was always two steps behind. He gave me every reason to believe that's what he was doing ... but everything went so horribly wrong, I have no idea what his intended outcome was."
"I wish I did," he added with much melancholy, and I decided to change the subject slightly.
"Well... What did he say?"
----------------
That first night back in Tokyo was the hardest. He had essentially no place to stay, are more accurately... he had no place he wanted to say in. There were the countless numbers of onmyouji who would gladly put him up. And of course countless number of hotels and expensive accommodations. But these solutions were not at all appealing to Subaru, who needed some place to put things in perspective.
Seishirou casually suggested he spend the night at his place. A suggestion that he knew Subaru would consider undoubtedly shocking. He flashed the young man a kind, knowing smile and mention yet another unforeseen alternative.
"I know an apartment that will be vacant for sometime now. Very nice place, I think it may suit your needs nicely."
Subaru stared off into space, "I'm sure it is, but it's late and no one would allow a new renter to move in just like that."
"Who said anything about renting? You see, I happen to know that the owner is away and won't be returning for quite sometime. He was a very curious man... no friends or family... about the only thing he owned was that apartment. You're a solitary person, I'm sure the neighbors will think nothing of a nice young man taking care of the place while it's owner is away."
Seishirou reached into his pocket and with a soft clang of metal brushing against metal he withdrew a set of keys. Subaru noted with disgust the soft brown tint on one edge that could so very easily be mistaken for rust. He glared coldly at Seishirou, "your thoroughness never ceases to disturb me."
Seishirou beamed as he pressed the keys into Subaru's unwilling hand, "why thank you Subaru-kun. And there's no reason to get all upset about one man's misfortune, there was nothing you could have done for him ... might as well make the best of it."
Subaru decided not to ask whether Seishirou had killed the man to accommodate him, or whether he had discovered this apartment after the fact. Seishirou was right about one thing, there was nothing he could have done to save a Sakurazukamori's victim. Perhaps it was best not to know whether the blood had been shed for him or not.
He also really didn't want to think of the significance of the gesture. He supposed that in Seishirou's mind this was some bizarre display of affection.
Seishirou smiled politely again, "if they idea bothers you that much Subaru-kun you don't have to accept. But you've traveled a long way and I'm sure your very tired and would like nothing better than to retire for the evening."
Subaru glanced at Seishirou from the corner of his eye.
"So then, spend the night at my unfortunate friend's apartment. You're certainly free to find your own living accommodations. I'm sure my friend will not take it to heart. Treat it as merely a temporary arrangement."
There was a part of Subaru that told him to resist Seishirou at every chance. That he was at a disadvantage, that Seishirou was up to something and it was best not to play into his hands. However, there was also a part of him that knew that he hoped to discover what the Sakurazukamori was planning he had to play along and keep his eyes open.
His hand closed on the keys, feeling the blood of the victim burning his flesh with an insatiable feeling of guilt. But there was nothing his power could do to ease the souls sacrificed to the tree.
"Where is this place?" he asked.
Seishirou smiled, "allow me to escort you there Subaru-kun."
-----------------
Subaru eyes widen as Seishirou traced a familiar symbol into the soft ground below them, yin and yan. His long arms were slung casually over Subaru's shoulders, a portion of his weight pressing into his counterpart. Subaru could feel the older man's smile graze his ear as Seishirou whispered an explanation. "Two forces, each appear pure, connected, inseparable as they fight for the control neither one of them will ever have."
With a quick flick of wrist the stick stabbed an eye for each piece of the circle. "Demo...Despite being complimenting twins, they are not truly balanced until they have a little piece of each other. Until there's some black in the white and some white in the black."
For a brief second Subaru thought he felt Seishirou's lips brush his neck in a ersatz kiss. The small startled flutter in his heart made him regain the coldness he had been acting before. He shrugged Seishirou away violently, a little surprised when the other made no attempt to restrain him.
"Do you want to end this?" Seishirou asked. For once there was no trace of the gentle amused smile Subaru had grown accustomed to. His eyes glared at him sharply, demanded an answer quickly.
Yes, they both wanted to end this. Subaru laughed bitterly at the thought, Seishirou had managed to solipsize his prey but was only just learning that by doing so he also solipsized himself. He had been caught in the web he spun for Subaru as he was pulling Subaru in. They were destined to fight for control forever unless something was done, what was Seishirou purposing?
There was only one way to find out, "Yes"
Seishirou's smile returned, an open and friendly smile that meant to distract just before his predatory strike. "Then," he grabbed Subaru's wrist and pulled himself close enough for his breath to stroke across Subaru's forehead. "You take a piece of me," he forced Subaru's hand up against his chest, ignoring the stiffness in Subaru's arm that resisted the movement. "And I'll take a piece of you," he smiled gently at Subaru, who blinked in confusion before frowning and snapping out a reply.
"I don't want any part of you," he tried to pull his hand away only to find that this time Seishirou held him place.
"Then why are you here?"
Subaru had no answer. Or rather, he had lots of answers but none of them he actually liked. Because he had no where else to be?, because how could he not?, because he had spent a good part of those nine years hunting down this confrontation only to resign himself to wait for it...
Seishirou was not expecting an answer, he let Subaru's wrist slide out of his grasp with haunting fluidity.
---------------
As soon we had stepped over the threshold the thin veil of calm that was needed to weather the situation shattered. "What the hell was that?" Rocky snapped. He gaze was angry, unmistakably hurt, and focused entirely on Subaru as he shrugged off his cream colored coat with a painful wince.
"A really malignant spirit," Subaru commented smoothly. Some of the blood was still wet and trickled down his skin like fine lines of red string. It was a dramatic contrast against his pale skin, one that agitated Rocky even more.
"That was stupid," he cursed. "That was stupid you could have been killed!"
No reply was necessary, the answer was obvious to even me, Subaru shrugged.
"If you don't want to see any value in your life, fine. But--" he hesitated. "But think about other people... you help so many people. What will happen to them if you just let yourself die?"
Subaru lifted his uninjured arm and patted Rocky softly on the head. "You will be looked after once I'm gone. I've already spoken to my Grandmother about it, you'll be provided for."
Offense flushed into Rocky's eyes. That was a worse blow than any that ghost could have hit him with. He opened his mouth to snap something, but half way through sensed that Subaru was not done speaking.
"As for the others, I can't live forever, and I'll probably be replaced anyway. They'll learn to get by without me."
Subaru wiped off most of the stray blood from his arm, glad that he had worn something sleeveless at the time as it meant only his coat was ruined. He rotated his shoulder slightly, pain evident but not over powering, and turned in the direction of his room.
"You're not going the bandage it?" Rocky grumbled. His head was hanging low, probably to keep the tears filling his eyes from being seen, and his bangs hanging like icicles across his face.
"It's not necessary," Subaru answered.
"It will get infected!" Rocky protested.
"Perhaps, it's of no concern."
This was far too much for the boy, and with a frustrated rage his wings wiped forward sharply, knocking over the small kitchen table and causing the kitchen to rattle with a strong windfall.
Subaru turned slowly, his eyes were firm and cold for the first time. He did not appear to be angry, only momentarily annoyed by Rocky's pesky concern. "I didn't think you were going to throw a temper tantrum about it. I thought you'll grown past that."
Rocky's wing snapped against his back and he determinably walked right up to Subaru. He was a good measure smaller than the onmyouji and could only glare coldly up at him and hope he didn't look pathetically indignant.
He did, but it didn't matter.
"That wound needs to be cleaned and bandaged," he insisted as coldly as he could possibly muster. The tears had withdrawn for now.
Sensing that he would not get any peace until he satisfied the boy, Subaru sighed wearily and agreed. "Fine, fine ... I'll do it right now."
"I'll do it," Rocky hissed bitterly. "I can do it better anyhow, I can use both hands."
----------
Subaru stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He surprised to find that the only light in the room was a faded moon glow cast through that window, which was Rocky only contact with the outside world.
The boy was undisturbed by his entrance, not ignoring him ... aware of his presence but not of his significance. To him Subaru was just a passerby, exactly like before.
It occurred to Subaru then that he did not know the boy's name, he had not thought to ask it. The question was about to slip from his mouth when those eyes-- of such a deep color they seemed as dead as glass-- came to rest on him.
"Where does it hurt?" Subaru asked instead.
The boy shrugged, "I can't eat ... then there's the fever."
This was a very technical truth, he had been vomiting up blood for two days. The fever had come and gone over the course of two weeks. But Subaru knew that it wasn't the truth. There was something else there too, and although it may not be a spiritual problem it was definitely something both the good doctor and Tsukino-san had missed.
"Are you here to fix me?" the boy asked, not at all interested in the question he was asking and probably not the slightest bit curious about the answer.
Subaru shrugged, "no."
The boy aligned his head slightly to the left, a blink revealing a new perplexed glaze on those dead eyes. "Then what? Maybe your an Eta here to arrange burial proceedings?"
He said this with a bit of amusement and Subaru couldn't help smiling just a little. "No, I just wanted to see you."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"There's nothing especially interesting about me," the boy said lightly.
"Maybe not," Subaru agreed. Then with brilliant irony he confessed, "I just needed to get away, you're the tadest bit more interesting then the people I was with."
The boy seemed to appreciate his honesty and nodded in agreement as if he understood the burden Subaru had being forced to have people respect him for no reason at all. "You're an onmyouji?"
"Aa," Subaru nodded. "How did you know?"
"You've got pentacles on your hands ... but ... they're drawn wrong aren't they? They're upside down."
It was a statement like an electric shock that cause Subaru to surrender to a small shudder. He looked down at his gloved hands, wondering for only a moment how the boy could see the stars burned in the flesh there, before swallowing the harsh bitter tears swelling up in him. "Aa," he voice shook only a little. "The person who drew them made a mistake."
If the boy didn't know about black magic, best not to tell him.
"Does that affect your work any?" the boy asked curiously, cocking his head the other direction now.
"Yes, it does."
"Oh ... Well what do you think?"
Subaru blinked, momentarily caught off guard. "About what?"
"About me, you said you wanted to see me ... what have you concluded?"
"That there's something off about you, something not quite right..." he realized that sounded most offensive, but a sudden idea wiped it from his mind. "I wonder..."
"Eh?"
"Did Tsukino-san ... did he ever go inside your heart?"
"EH?!?!" The boy's glass eyes widen and for a brief second they seemed alive.
"Go inside your heart... it's not hard if you're willing. I can do it right now."
"What is it?"
"Like ... going deep inside your soul, finding the cause of all this trouble, if it's there."
"What do I have to do?"
Subaru smiled reassuringly, "just relax ... go to sleep if you want."
