A/N: I've decided I'm going to place the narrative of Kyonae into first person instead of third person. I don't know why, but I'm going to…
Chapter Nine: I Won't Let My Guard Down
I staggered out onto the balcony as if I was drunk, trying to hold in my cries of pain. Why did I have to have a seizure now? In front of everyone, in front of Seifer…but none knew of my problem in the slightest; they were all dancing and having a good time…and I wanted it to remain that way…
I did not hears dying screams or feel rising flames as I slumped over the railing, but just the opposite- it became much quieter, and so much colder that it chilled my bones. The moonlit balcony disappeared beneath my feet and the starlit sky vanished from above. It was complete darkness. Then that voice came to my ear…
"You look lovely tonight, my dear Kyonae. You are certainly the belle of the ball."
I swung around searching for the voice, reaching for my Talon, only to remember it wasn't there, but lying useless in its case in my dorm room. "What do you want from me? Leave me alone!"
"My poor, poor Kyonae…my poor, confused little girl…I cannot leave you alone. You are my little girl…"
"I am not! Stop calling me a little girl!"
"I apologize. You are not a little girl. You are a smart, beautiful young woman. But you are letting your guard down, my dear. You are becoming weak."
"What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.
"Do you not remember who caused your life to turn for worse, my dear? The one whom nearly killed you and left you spiritually wounded? How can you bear to dance with your enemy? You feel kindness for that Almasy fellow, don't you? I see in your eyes that deep down your hate for him is slowly vanishing…
Suddenly another voice entered the air around me, the one of my faithful Guardian Force Sa-Shenu. "Don't listen to her, Kyonae! You know what is right! Do not let her take control!"
"Shut up, you filthy bird! Kyonae, listen to me, for I know best. You were always forgiving even as a child, but it must stop now! You must hate him. Remember what he has done? Trabia was demolished! All your friends are either dead or insane! He is the cause of all your problems, Kyonae, and killing him will be the solution! Seifer Almasy wears a veil of innocence over his evil, guilty hide, and he's luring you into a trap! Do not be fooled by his so-called change of heart like all the others. His rival has forgiven him, and leaves your path clear. He is your rival now.
I listened to her carefully, hanging on to every word. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was destined to become his new rival. It was the reason why I came to Garden, wasn't it? Half of my mission was complete. I had found the man who saved my life. Now to bring to justice the man who nearly took it… My mind drifted back to the night in the Training Center…
It could be anytime, or anyplace, but you're gonna get yours, Seifer Almasy…
And indeed he would.
I opened my eyes, and immediately sensed her satisfaction around me. "I am right, yes?"
"No, Kyonae, do not say it!" Sa-Shenu cried.
"Yes," I nodded darkly.
"Excellent, my dear. We are finally on the same level. I have not lost you yet. Go back to your party, Kyonae, and do not let your guard down…"
"Oh, how could you, Kyonae, how could you…" Sa-Shenu's voice sobbed as the dark world faded away.
"I'm sorry, my friend. This is the way it's supposed to be…"
I awoke in Seifer's strong arms, and he was staring down at me concernedly. Apparently I had fallen to the floor and he had caught me.
"Are you all right?" he asked. "You had me worried."
I stood up abruptly, and when he didn't let go of me I pushed him away. "I'm just fine. Worry more about yourself." I leaned against the balcony rail, looking up at the full moon. He stayed behind me.
"Kyonae? Something wrong?" he placed his hand on my shoulder. His grip was firm but gentle. I felt myself giving in…but then I remembered. Seifer? Being gentle? I think not. I shrugged it off, grimacing. "Everything is fine. Let go of me."
Thinking I was just embarrassed about fainting, he let go and stood beside me at the railing.
"So…I suppose you're excited about being a SeeD at last?"
He smiled, running a hand through his blond hair. "Are you kidding? Being a SeeD…it's always been my dream."
"Aside from being the Sorceress' knight?" I replied curtly.
He was stunned. I could see his expression out of the corner of my eye. He hadn't expected that. Especially from me, it seemed. "What…?"
"You don't think I've forgotten, have you?" I said, avoiding his gaze. "Have you forgotten just how many lives you ruined in Trabia because of your 'dream'?"
"Kyonae, I don't understand you. You act like you were actually there when…" he waited for a verbal response, but received none. I had closed my eyes and stayed silent, and he was impacted by that more than anything I could have said. "Oh…shit…no, Kyonae, you weren't…you couldn't have been…oh, Hyne…"
"I was caught under debris for several days, watching and hearing others slowly die, as I was dying myself. When the fires faded there was snow and unbearable cold. There were tombstones everywhere. I was surrounded by death. I was brought to the Trabia hospital for months, where I was surrounded by more death. I found out all my friends had either died or were in asylums because they had gone insane." My eyes were filling with tears and I quickly wiped them away. I couldn't show weakness.
"Kyonae…"
" They classified me as disturbed and isolated me out in the middle of the forests, because to them I just couldn't cut it living around 'normal people'. I have seizures all the time, reminding me more and more of what happened…" my voice was growing louder.
"Kyonae…" he was trying to keep me calm but there was no way in hell it would work.
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT?" I turned on him, and he visibly flinched. "The more and more I think about it, the more I realize how much I HATE you, and would love nothing better but to cut your head off!" I clenched my hands into fists, ready to punch him in the stomach. I didn't have my gunblade, but I could do just as much damage with my fists. I pulled back and punched.
But I never hit his stomach. Seifer instinctively grabbed my fists in his own hands and twisted so I couldn't move my arms. He released them but held my forearms so he had more control. He was looking me straight in the eyes with his deep green ones. Seifer had a strained look on his face, as if he were stuck between either punching my lights out or breaking down in front of me. The half that wanted to break down won. He pushed me away.
"You know what? You know what?" he said frantically, raising his arms. "You're right. Okay? You're right. It's my entire fault. It's my entire fucking fault. I killed all those people with no remorse. I am an evil person. I was the Sorceress' knight. I craved power. I gave her the idea to blow up Trabia, even Balamb! That was my dream. That was my…" he stopped, realizing what he was saying. His eyes were wide with sudden realization. "That was…my…dream. To hurt people. Like they hurt me. I can't believe this…" he stared at me, shocked. Without a word he turned and walked towards the railing.
"Seifer…what are you doing?"
He was climbing up onto the balcony railing, white as a ghost under the moon.
"Seifer, get down from there!"
Seifer didn't listen. He spread his arms, turned to face me, waved goodbye, and let himself fall back into darkness below.
"SEIFER!!!" I shrieked. I lunged over the rail and grabbed him by the legs just in time. Slowly I pulled him up, until we were both safe on the balcony. Weak with shock though, Seifer fell down. I tried to get out of the way, but he grabbed me in order to stop himself and pulled me down with him. "Oof!"
I fell on top of him, at first I didn't realize it. But then I opened my eyes and saw his face right in front of me. I'd fallen right on his chest.
"You saved me," Seifer said breathlessly. He looked at me in awe and relief that he hadn't fallen to his untimely death.
"Yeah…I did…but only because killing yourself isn't the way to die. It's the easy way out. It had…nothing to do with you."
He stared at me, catching the uncertain tone in my voice and thinking I had lied. "Then why haven't you gotten off me yet…?"
I couldn't answer. Slowly he lifted his head towards mine, drawing ever closer, practically freezing me to the spot with his deep emerald eyes. He was so close I could feel his warm breath on my cheek…
Don't let your guard down.
I quickly pushed him back onto the ground, stumbling to my feet. Shaking my head, I looked down on his pitiful figure. Angry tears were flowing rapidly, but the moon had slid behind a cloud and it was too dark to see them.
"I won't."
"You won't what?" he asked, getting up.
I paused, remembering he couldn't hear the voices. "I won't let my guard down." With that I pushed past him and ran all the way back to my dorm, where I fell onto bed and cried.
***(Seifer's POV)
I wasn't sure what had happened that made her act like that. First we were dancing and having a good time, all of a sudden she has a seizure. Next thing you know something's got her thinking that the minute she turns around I'm going to stab her in the back. That she can't trust in me.
I trusted her. Now I'm not sure.
Out of all the spitting and the cursing and the dirty looks I had received after the 'incident', no one had ever really told me directly the seriousness of what I had done, so I never really knew. But Kyonae had hit the nail on the head. That's when I realized the extremities of my actions. I realized that Kyonae, a person I had gotten fairly attached to, was also someone I had nearly killed. It wasn't a good feeling, and ignoring it only felt worse. I'd flung myself stupidly from the balcony and she'd found the heart to save me. Then I'd tried to do something even more stupid…I'm a stupid person.
I raced after her and tried to open the door to her dorm room, but she'd locked it. But I heard her inside, crying in racking sobs.
"Kyonae?"
"Go away, Seifer."
"But-"
"Please just go away," she said again, softer and whimpering this time.
I sighed. So this is what I'd reduced her to. "Fine. I'm going."
There was no reply.
Back in my dorm, I flopped down onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. What was this I was feeling? My heart had slid into the bowels of my stomach, a depressed feeling washed over me, my mind was on Kyonae, who was a few dorms away, crying herself to sleep.
Was it love?
No. It couldn't be love. Impossible. I never felt love; I never could and never will. I wasn't meant for that kind of thing.
Of course, I thought I wasn't meant to feel guilt either. Miracles happen…
