Chyna: Warrior Princess

Episode XVI: In the Tombs of Stratuspatra

Disclaimer: All the characters here are (or were, as it may be) property of the World Wrestling Federation, Titan Sports, and Vincent. Not mine, but imagine if I DID own them…*Rubs hands together in maniacal glee*. Er…no copyright infringement intended.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low- blows. The power, the passion, the danger…her courage was severely tested by Kitty's stupidity.

As you may remember from the previous episode, Chyna and Road Doggy Dogg set sail towards Egypt, towards the blond weed Jericho, whom Chyna fully intended to squish into the ground with her impressively heeled boot. Leaving Kitty and X-Pac in Greece were they were apparently going to be safe was not the best of ideas however, and after a nasty tussle with some large hairy cannibalistic seamen they followed the Warrior Princess to Egypt post haste, where they managed to bugger everything up for the Warrior Woman, generally making her very, very pissed. Oh dear.

***

The open sea near the Cairo dock was choppy at midday, a strong wind blowing Kitty and X-Pac's kelp and silt encrusted boat into the jetty; the repeated bashings causing a large plank to be knocked from the structure and water to pour inside. Chyna raised an eyebrow.

"You got to Egypt in this?" She asked in disdain. X-Pac nodded enthusiastically. He then lowered his voice to a whisper. "It was her idea to cover it in crap."

"Be quiet." Kitty muttered, she and Chyna simultaneously flicking him either side of the head. X-Pac cowered behind the Road Dogg, who hadn't managed to get all the flour off yet. He was starting to look a little like Nicole Bassius; all he needed was a large quantity of olive oil. Chyna looked up as she heard footsteps, the noble and half naked Trish Stratuspatra approaching.

"Who's that?" Kitty asked in a whisper.

"It's one of these Sable impersonators." X-Pac replied knowingly. Chyna shot him a look, and then blasted him with a very vindictive low blow. He fell to the ground with a horrified look.

"Chyna, all went well I presume?" She said with her wide and scary smile. Chyna's face remained stony, her eyes focused on Kitty with a vicious glare. Kitty gulped.

"No." Chyna replied, her teeth so clenched you could hear them squeak. "Time for plan beta."

"What's plan beta?" Road Dogg asked curiously. He was landed with the same move she had hit on his weedy second in command only moments ago.

"Plan beta is that I lay the smackdown on Jericho's ass." Chyna replied matter of factly, stepping over X-Pac and Road Dogg on the ground. "Too bad I left Hunter in Greece, I'd really love to ride him full bore across the desert just to see the expression on his face."

"Hunter?" Trish Stratuspatra inquired.

"Her ex sidekick, brother, part time lover and pony." Kitty filled in, pulling a scroll out of her scroll bag. "Would you like to read the Saga of the Undertaker? It's a doozy!"

Chyna looked exasperated. "Be quiet!"

***

"It's hot." X-Pac complained, sinking in the saddle of his rather disagreeable looking camel. Kitty, who was following a few feet behind, cursed silently that her fists were so out of reach of the little green pain in the ass. He looked behind him, awkwardly shifting in the saddle. "Where's Road Dogg?"

"About a mile behind us." Kitty replied with a sigh. "He hit a nerve with Chyna, and she low blowed his transport."

X-Pac blinked. "Are you meaning to tell me she punched an innocent camel in the balls?"

"That is exactly what I am saying." Said Kitty straight fowardly. "Don't be so surprised, if she'll put her fists near your crotch, she'll put them near anyone's."

"Yeah, I know that." X-Pac muttered. "Warrior bitch."

"Oooh, big words!" Kitty retorted. "If she heard you say that…"

"Don't you dare tell her I said that!" X-Pac had turned very pale, causing Chyna's sidekick much malicious glee at his terror. Suddenly, Road Dogg came staggering into view, a turban wrapped about his head which for some reason looked incredibly amusing. Kitty started giggling maniacally.

"Shut up!" Road Dogg shrieked indignantly. "And let me on your camel!"

"Get real." Kitty smirked. "I don't want you hugging me all the way…to wherever we're going."

Road Dogg looked injured. "…I've heard that line before."

Kitty looked inquisitive. "Did it come from X-Pac?"

"Sick!" Road Dogg moaned. X-Pac made an attempt to bitch-slap Kitty from his camel, but it was entirely futile, his green ass sliding from the saddle, his scrawny arms flailing as he fell flat on his face in the scorching hot sand. He wailed and leapt to his feet in anguish, but he was dangerously near Kitty's boot, and with an evil giggle she kicked him in the back of the head, sending him smacking into the sand again.

"What was that for?!" He demanded, struggling up from the ground. Kitty looked thoughtful.

"Well, for almost making us a snack for cannibals, nearly drowning us in mud and generally being a little pain in the ass this entire experience."

"Oh." Said the Little Green D-Generate, shaking sand from his hair. "That's okay then."

"That camel is mine!" Road Dogg interjected, leaping awkwardly towards the animal and heaving himself onto its back. X-Pac pouted.

"No way man! It's mine!" And he sprung, much like he sprung on the dark day he had battled with the pirouetting Hunter, except with less grace, towards the disturbed beastie. He collided into the Dogg and they both fought most hardily for this camel, kicking, screaming, biting and bitch-slapping, and quite amazingly keeping balance on its hump as they did so. Kitty quietly reminded them they weren't women, but it was far too late for that, as the camel felt fairly violated at this point, and rather indecently flung the two ex-D-Generates off its back as it shambled off towards freedom, and probably death.

"Aw fuck." Road Dogg moaned. "I hurt my ass."

"Hahaha!" X-Pac laughed. "You sound like Billy."

There was no way X-Pac could escape the punch to the back of the head.

***

Speaking of Mr. Ass…

Billy Gunn flaunted about Road Dogg's ready room, giggling to himself and flexing as his feather boa fluttered gracefully about his bright yellow cloak and hideous Badd Ass shorts. Aysa was watching this display in disgust, amazingly she was in her regular attire this day, although Kane did have a rather nasty struggle trying to wrest his garments from her once they had both sobered up after Aysa's nasty tumble down Mt. Sexy Boy. Aysa was more upset about missing out on her free turnip more than anything else.

"When are you going to go away?" Kane demanded as he walked into the room with a plate of pretzels. Aysa lunged at the salty snacks, gripping at the plate with a hungry, WCW Troglodyte glint in her dark little eyes, and Kane looked a little upset at the loss of them. But Aysa was mighty and fierce and drunk like usual, and she paid no head as she crunched upon them.

"Don't you get it!" Billy pouted. "I'm not going away. Your little scrawny friend gave me these lands!"

"For the last time, he didn't!" Kane pouted right back, his hands on his hips.

"He so did!" Billy shrieked.

"He SO didn't!" Kane countered.

"Ah, shaddup." Aysa gurgled through a mouthful of Budweiser. "You two bitches better get this place cleaned up by the time the Legion of Drunks 2000 gets here, or I'll beat ya sugar bloated testes to a pulp."

"Is that a new breakfast cereal?" Billy asked curiously.

"No, I'm not putting up with Steve Austin again, woman!" Kane groaned, clutching at his forehead.

"You will, and you'll like it." Aysa snarled, grabbing Kane by the tunic and shaking him. "AND you'll wear the apron!"

"Why does HE get to wear the apron?" Billy whined as Aysa pulled out the pink frilly garment. Kane shot him a very irked look, before turning back to the pseudo dominatrix whom was threatening him. Why, oh why he had brought her back with him, he'd never know; perhaps she looked half decent in an alcoholic stupor.

"I can't take this anymore!" Kane groaned, fighting the strange urge to give Aysa a low-blow. He turned on his heel and made towards the door, which quickly became a jog when he realised that Aysa was giving chase. Billy watched him go, before realizing that within a few moments he'd be left all alone with the angry dominya. He leapt to his feet.

"Wait!" Billy cried dramatically. "You can't leave me with Aysa! Aysa is a GIRL!" He watched her muscular ass as she hopped up and down in Neanderthal rage. "Well, at least I think."

Kane groaned. Perhaps he could go down to the docks and catch a barge to Egypt, he could really use some work on his tan. Besides, how dare X-Pac and Road Dogg run off on their little holiday and not invite him, sending a crappy post-parchment with a picture of a pyramid on it which read 'wish you were here'. Not to mention Chyna's P.S at the bottom of the card: 'P.S: I kind of just dumped Hunter off at the dock. Can you go and feed him once a week? Ta!' The nerve!

"Wait for me!" Billy wailed as he sprinted after the Big Red Machine. "She's scary. Can I come with you?"

Kane turned back and looked at the muscular blond rip off of the Warrior Princess. "It's your fault I didn't get to go on a summer holiday!" Kane squealed, trying not to cry. Things always went from bad to worse. "I am SO leaving!" Suddenly, he clasped his gloved hand over his mouth. "That was SO bitchy!"

"You go girl!" Billy sniggered. Kane spun on him like a bat out of hell and laid him out with a chokeslam which was just screaming pent up tensions. Billy struggled helplessly at Kane's feet, looking up and blowing a strand of permed blond hair from his face.

"Does this mean I can't come with you?"

***

"Aha!" Chyna cried triumphantly, as she looked down at Jericho's tracks in the sand. "I knew it! I knew it! He's heading towards the Pyramids, the little bastard. I have him!"

"Woo." Road Dogg said painfully as he dragged himself up the sand dune, X- Pac following pathetically. Kitty smirked as she rode behind them on her camel, before putting on her sweet, wide eyed and innocent face for the benefit of Chyna.

"Oh, Chy-NA!" She whined out. "That's so great!"

"Oh Chy-NA, I'm such a complete and utter suck!" Road Dogg mocked with a certain amount of glee. The Warrior Princess turned on him.

"I'm aware of that." She said coolly. Kitty's jaw dropped at X-Pac began to laugh hysterically. "What, do you think I'm an idiot or something? Of course she's a suck!"

"Chyna, how could you possibly say such a thing?" Kitty demanded, crossing her arms. "After everything we've been through together!"

"Yeah, who could forget the time you got her crushed to death by a big tub of man-goo?" X-Pac said flatly. Kitty glared.

"That WAS your fault too!"

"Surrrrre." X-Pac retorted. "As I recall, I'm the one who threw myself out of the damn way!"

"He's got a point." Road Dogg added. Kitty turned and glared at him.

"YOU stay out of this."

Chyna had had enough. Striding forward, she caught Kitty by the hair and pulled her away from the two D-Generates, squealing all the way, not before threatening X-Pac and Road Dogg with a very suggestive thrust of her forearm, which silenced them instantly. "Play nice." Came out in a particularly vicious growl.

"But Chy-NA…" Kitty mumbled.

"Be quiet!" Chyna ordered. "I wouldn't be standing here right now if you and twiggie hadn't completely fucked up my vengeful little plans. Now stand there, and if you open your mouth one more time, I'll…"

Chyna stopped dead. Her eyes darting rather dangerously, X-Pac and Road Dogg immediately covered their crotches and sped behind Kitty; however, Chyna strode directly past them towards what appeared to be a wooden sign stuck in the sand. Chyna gaped at it for a moment. "Holy fucking H.B.K."

"What?" Kitty asked, still fuming.

"Everybody stay absolutely…still." Chyna said, looking particularly frightful. X-Pac peered at the sign.

"Danger…Sandworms?" He read. "Chyna…what's a Sandworm?"

"Sandworms?!" Road Dogg spat. "Sandworms?! Sandworms?! We're all gonna die!" He frantically began to jog; Chyna intervened and floored him with a quick yank to the hair.

"You utter fuck-wit." Chyna muttered in disdain. "What are you trying to do, attract them?!"

"Well…I think you've attracted something…" Said X-Pac, pointing in the distance, where a large travelling lump of sand was hurtling towards the four Grecians; Road Dogg's eyes were as wide as saucers as he observed this, and his lip began to quibble.

Chyna pulled out her sword, noting that there was still a smell of cheap wine, Budweisers and ancient weed attached to it from her epic battle with Syxx, and upon looking closer she found a small chunk of turnip attached from her celebratory party, where she almost made the Rock cry with the theft of his vegetable followed by a vicious nipple twister. Happy times. Happy times.

"Don't move a god damn freaking muscle." Chyna warned, as the Sandworm barreled towards her. Kitty was still pouting with her arms crossed when Chyna was sent hurtling across the sand dune, and even still when the Sandworm reared its enormous ugly head and leapt over her like Free Willy. By this point hysteria have overtaken both X-Pac and Road Dogg and they were hugging for comfort. Kitty turned with a superior look.

"Ha! X-Pac, you WERE the one that Road Dogg turned down for that hug!"

"The…the Sandworms…" X-Pac whispered in horror.

"Not the time for…this conversation…" Moaned Road Dogg shakily.

Chyna crawled to her feet, the sand getting stuck in her leather unmentionables and making life a miserable, chaffing hell. Noting that her sword had been flung about three feet away from her, she flung her brick shit-house of a body forwards towards it, and grabbing it, she turned to the lovely sight of several more worms sliding into view. She spun and looked at Road Dogg and X-Pac in each other's embrace. "Don't just stand there! Fucking do something!"

"Oh yeah, ask THEM to do something." Kitty said in a tone she usually reserved for X-Pac. "It's not like I can help or anything, just ignore me! I'm going to remember this day, Chy-NA, I'm going to remember every moment of it and…"

Chyna spat a curse, pulled out her Chakram and sent it hurtling into Kitty's head, knocking her cold and catching it. She didn't bother trying to hide her smile.

"Bitchin'!" Said Road Dogg enthusiastically.

"Fucking do something or you'll be next!" Chyna growled, throwing herself out of the path of another severely pissed off Sandworm. Road Dogg considered this, and releasing his second in command, he leapt into action.

"Hey! Over here! Yeah!" Road Dogg yelled, leaping up and down. "Get over here, I'm always kickin' that shiznit DAWGEE style! Yeah! Yeah! Over here!" Sure enough, the worms changed direction and made a hasty path towards the soon to be Road Kill Jesse Jammes.

"Hey, nice plan!" Said X-Pac, sticking his thumbs into the air. "What's the next part of it?"

"I haven't thought of that yet!" Road Dogg wailed; X-Pac looked rather alarmed as the D-O-double-G was collected by a Sandworm, screaming like a girl the whole way.

"Ooh." X-Pac commented on the situation, before pulling his sword from his scabby looking scabbard and charging into battle. He threw himself towards Road Dogg and grabbed his ankle, but being so scrawny, it did nothing to slow the thing down. "Argh! Chyna! Help!"

"Use your sword!" Chyna ordered, as another Sandworm dived over her. X-Pac struggled about feebly, and raising his arm, he bought the sword crashing down.

"OW!!!" He heard Road Dogg shriek. "You smacked the D-O-double-G in the head!"

"Whoops." X-Pac said, and sent the sword slashing forward again. This time he struck the Sandworm, slicing it in half and sending the pair of D- Generates flying clear. Landing on the ground with a hefty 'WHUMP', they were quickly splattered with the remains of their aggressor.

"That's one down." Chyna muttered, sprinting past Kitty laid out in the sand and flinging her Chakram towards another; it struck it, sending pieces of worm raining all over Road Dogg and X-Pac for a second time. "That's two."

There was no three; apparently, their offence had been enough to freak the things out. X-Pac struggled in vain to get the splattered invertebrate out of his hair, and quite grimly Chyna noted, at that point he had hit a Hunter level of pathetic. Road Dogg was sitting on the ground despondently; within the past couple of days he had been covered in mud, dead cow, flour and smushed worm. Chyna tried to her hardest to feel pity; but it was futile, she found the entire situation pretty funny.

"Fucking Jericho made these tracks through the Sandworm pits, didn't he?" Road Dogg muttered. "The son of a bitch never stepped a foot near them."

"Nope." Said Chyna, indicating Jericho's real tracks, which happened to walk the long way around the area. "But now we do have a clear path to follow."

"Do we?!" X-Pac demanded. "Do we really? Gods knows what else will jump out at us!"

"As long as we follow Jericho's REAL tracks, we'll be fine." Said Chyna knowingly. "I mean…would he really walk through something even remotely dangerous?"

"Oh yeah!" X-Pac looked satisfied, as Chyna strode towards Kitty, hitched her over her shoulder and dumped her on the camel. Road Dogg approached.

"D'ya think she's been possessed by the Undertaker again or something?"

"Nah." Chyna replied. "This is how she always is. She just acts nice when we have company."

X-Pac's eyes widened. "If she's been acting nice to me all this time, I'd hate to see her acting mean."

"You don't have to worry about that." Chyna smiled darkly, showing a row of teeth. "You're not worth the acting."

***

Billy strolled onto the Cairo dock, Kane following with the post-parchment being held very tightly in a clinched fist. The Lord of Ass was looking overly enthusiastic, but thank the gods had lost the feather boa, Kane had assured that when he wrenched it from his neck and cast it into the ocean. The intent had actually been to have the boa still connected to Billy before it was flung into the sea, but you can't win them all. Although Kane regretted it deeply, as Billy Gunn was the most enormous pain in the ass of the Ancient World, and he was learning this sad fact first hand.

"How about we partake in a little shopping?" Said Billy rather girlishly. Kane rolled his eyes.

"No." He said simply. "I'm going to find Chyna, Kitty, X-Pac and Road Dogg."

"Hello, earth to Kane, this is a holiday!" Billy sighed. "The idea is to leave all that crap behind!"

"It obviously isn't working then, because you're here!" Kane snapped, before covering his mouth again. "Damn, that was bitchy. I really have to stop this. I blame you."

"No way, you were always a total biatch!"

"I was not." Kane insisted.

"C'mon, skewering Taker on a tree was like, so catty."

"I don't have to stand here listening to this." Muttered Kane. "Your chronic bitchiness is rubbing off on me. I'm a machine dammit! I'm a monster! And I refuse to be a bitchy one!"

"Too late there, girlfriend." Billy said rather evilly, flexing his muscles in pride. Kane had had enough. The tombstone piledriver was a long time in coming, and wasn't a moment too soon. Billy lolled about rather gracefully on the ground, clutching his cranium; Kane walked away, feeling his forehead.

"I'm a monster…I'm a monster…I'm a monster…"

***

Chyna scowled as she rode towards the largest pyramid, which was undeniably phallic in its shape, and noted with a small twinge of distaste that Jericho's foot prints led directly into the dodgy looking structure. X-Pac and Road Dogg staggered after her. Kitty still had not awoken from the nasty Chakram shot, and there was a debate as to whether the remainder of the party actually should wake her. A landslide vote pointed to no.

"Trust Jericho to pick this one." Chyna muttered. X-Pac raised an eyebrow.

"So size does matter."

"Do you think he's trying to compensate for something?" Road Dogg suggested, eyeing the sheer size of the structure. Chyna spun on them both like a bat outta hell.

"Enough with the fucking innuendo jokes, damn you!"

"But Chy-NA…" X-Pac whined out; when he caught sight of Chyna's facial expression, he shut his mouth immediately. The Warrior Princess dismounted her camel, strode over to Kitty and pulled her off hers, sending her smacking into the sand; kicking her slightly with the toe of her boot, she awaited Kitty's awakening – it didn't happen.

"Oh hell." Chyna muttered. X-Pac sauntered up and peered down at Chyna's unconscious sidekick.

"Well, think of it this way, she won't make another bitchy comment this whole trip!"

"And will YOU be carrying her?" Chyna sighed, feeling her forehead. No response came. "I thought so." Muttering little curses, Chyna heaved Kitty's limp form from off the ground and dumped her over her shoulder. "Alright, let's go and whoop some pretty boy ass."

They stepped into the darkened temple, Chyna struggling to grab a torch from the wall and hold Kitty steady all at the same time. Conceding defeat, she eventually just dumped Kitty on her ass, grabbed the torch, and thrust it into the hand of Road Dogg.

"Lead the way." Chyna ordered flatly, tossing Kitty over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Me?" Road Dogg said meekly. "But Chy-NA, it looks scary down there."

"I knocked her out for a reason." Chyna stated. "You keep it up with the Chy-NA's and I will severely restrict the flow of future Road Dogg's for years to come." With her free hand she flexed her hand a couple of times to emphasize her meaning. "Now move."

Road Dogg didn't need to be told twice; grabbing X-Pac by the thin wrist, he shoved the torch in his grasp and then shoved him forward into the darkened passage. Chyna shrugged, and followed, Kitty still firmly in tow. Deeper and deeper into the vaults they wandered, X-Pac lighting the way for Chyna to follow Jericho's tracks, her jaw sticking further and further out in diabolical glee as she realized that soon, soon she would be able to wrench his blond haired pin head about, much like D'Lo Brown, and with a quick feeling of regret she wished she had brought some toasting forks along for the occasion. The look of a hapless weed being poked inhumanely up the ass with a toasting fork was one of pure beauty, and she smiled at the visual in her mind.

"Chy…na, the torch is starting to go out!" X-Pac exclaimed. Chyna groaned.

"Oh for the love of HBK, which is an utter lie and just a figure of speech." Chyna strode forward, snatching the torch from X-Pac and flicking him in the head. "I've just about had it with you. You've done your big part for humanity. It would be very easy to kill you right about now."

"But it's not my fault!" X-Pac shrieked.

"I know that." Chyna replied coolly. "I have a big sword and PMS. Whether it's your fault or not is totally irrelevant."

"I'm beginning to realize why Hunter went bad." Muttered Road Dogg.

***

Kane looked at the tourist brochure hard before deciding that the Sandworm Pits might not be the best place to do some sightseeing, despite the fact he had tried very hard to lure Billy Gunn into them, without much avail. Upon further review of the situation, the fact that the native Egyptian invertebrates were splattered all over the place and the whole area smelled suspiciously like the party Chyna had held after she laid the smackdown on Syxx, he figured Chyna's sword was what had so brutally hacked these beasties to pieces. He wrinkled his nose in distaste; that sword smelt like a damn bar room whore, why couldn't she polish it like a normal person?

"Like, eww." Said Billy gayly. "That's so disgusting. Ooh, looky here, that pyramid is so LARGE…and so very interestingly shaped…"

Kane opened his mouth to shoot something bitchy, before he closed it, took several deep breaths and began counting to ten. He could kick this habit! Opening one eye, he noted rather hastily that that pyramid WAS oozing innuendo. Aysa would have been impressed.

"I'm sleepy now." Kane informed, as an excuse not to go anywhere near the thing. The way Billy's eyes were as round as saucers and the thin trail of drool creeping down his chin were kind of pointers that he should try and avoid Mr. Ass for the rest of this…experience. "Night."

"You big wuss!" Billy squealed. Kane flipped him off and settled down on the sand, not realizing how very tired he really was. Feeling slightly uncomfortable on the ground, he rose, strode towards Billy and wrenched the hideous yellow cloak from his shoulders, shoving him over in the process. Settling down once again, with the horrendous garment wrapped around him, he snuggled into a nearby rock. "Night." He repeated.

Billy clutched his ass in shock. "That was just so bitchy!"

"Ah, be quiet you piece of blond fluff." Kane retorted, before clasping his hand over his mouth yet again.

***

Chyna's boot came forcefully hurtling through the golden doors of the tomb, the final spark of the torch going out as she charged into the small, lit up room. Dumping Kitty on the floor, she strode forward, pulling out her sword and growling, her chin sticking out like a viola. Road Dogg and X-Pac scuttled in after the fierce woman whom now was making rather vicious eyes at Jericho, who just happened to be standing before her in a state of shock, a large bag of stolen and rather phallic looking goods on his back.

"Chyna?" Jericho whimpered. "Oh come on! There is just no WAY you could have survived these Sandworms! I've been feeding them a ration of a yogurt a day just getting them ready to disembowel you!"

"That's inhuman!" Road Dogg quipped.

"Your worms were crappy." Chyna said flatly.

"Well what about your little friend over there?" Jericho demanded, making eyes at Kitty. "She looks dead. Dead!"

"Nah, she's just really tired."

Jericho looked rather scared. "Well Chyna, I must say it's been lovely seeing you."

Chyna debated over being silent, before replying. "You know, I feel almost the same way." She cracked her knuckles. "Alright, that feeling is over now. Come here and allow me to rip your head off."

Jericho shrieked and tried to run, but Chyna caught a great handful of his wonderful, wonderful hair and sent him slamming into the dusty floor of the tomb. He hacked piteously as Chyna mused.

"Now, where exactly were we last time, before we were so rudely interrupted?" Quickly remembering, Chyna placed her foot on his head. "Oh yes."

"I think she needs to work on anger management." X-Pac commented as Chyna leapt upon Jericho and started pummeling him viciously. His head cajoled off the hard floor, powered by Chyna's mighty, mighty forearm, and Chrissy screamed like a girl as he was assaulted by the mighty princess, forged in the heat of low-blows.

"Ah…Chyna?" X-Pac said, waving his arm about.

"Not now." Chyna snapped as she wrenched at Jericho's eyebrows furiously.

"But…I really think this is kinda important." Road Dogg said nervously.

"Be quiet!" Chyna snarled, looking up at the two D-Generates and not really noticing Trish Stratuspatra creeping up from behind until she bashed her across the head with a vase, and a vase which was a very dodgy shape at that. Chyna turned around with a very nasty glare in her stare. "OW!"

"Damn these Sable impersonators!" Said X-Pac, shaking his scrawny arm. Trish stared blankly at him. "Whatever." He shrugged. Chyna struggled to her feet, and she looked pissed, more pissed than Road Dogg and X-Pac had seen her look in a while...well, not for about fifteen minutes anyway. Still, it was kinda freaky.

"For fucks sake!" Chyna lamented, planting her sword in the ground. "Throw me a frikkin' bone here! It's not like I don't work hard! It's not like I haven't been flung into mud by dead men, and almost impaled by pissed off she-males, or flattened to death by the morbidly obese, or fucking delivered the spawn of darkness with very little help from anyone…" At this point her eyes searched out Kitty, laid out on the floor. "It's not like I have to put up with the most whiniest obnoxious demanding suck on the face of the planet every single day just to make humanity's life just that bit more god damn cushy! Don't I deserve just this one little bit of joy in my life?! Don't I deserve to cut. Jericho. Into. Teeny. Weeny. Little. Pieces?!" Each word was accompinied by a slash from her sword as she ranted and raved and used curse words so filthy that they even shocked Stratuspatra. Gasping for air as she finished her spiel, she eyed everyone viciously. "Well?!"

"Oh grow up." Trish pouted. "Honestly, you're such a drama queen."

That did it. An insult usually only reserved for Billy Gunn had just been hurled at Chyna, and all sensed the danger; Chyna lunged, grabbed Trish by the hair and started shaking her head, bitch-slapping and eye gouging with all evidence she was a mighty warrior gone in about 12.5 seconds. In the making was truly the cat-fight of the millenium…

***

Kane awoke, feeling the disturbance in the forces of nature radiating from the Tombs of Stratuspatra. Shrugging, he wrapped himself more firmly in the yellow cloak. "Trippy."

***

Trish Stratuspatra seemed to be gaining the upper hand, Jericho dancing about and giggling happily as Trish mercilessly smacked Chyna about the head with open palmed strikes of fury. Chyna grunted and heaved herself forwards, sending Trish flying across the room and bashing rather unceremoniously into the wall. She slid down rather haplessly, her fall fortunately being broken by her heaving chest, and she struggled to her feet, snarling.

"You will not have him, Chyna!" She spat like a rabid wolverine on heat. "You fool! You have no concept of what you're doing! Chris Jericho cannot die…he cannot die for he is our…" She paused for dramatic effect. " Messiah! Harbinger of the Infinite Love!"

"And I'm the testicle that Nicole Bassius had removed at birth." Chyna replied flatly.

"It's true!" Trish hissed. "See your vision once more Chyna! See your vision of the future!"

Chyna squealed loudly; her vision, which it seemed was the result of cheap swill and fighting in virtual stoned oblivion returned to her. Nailed to a crucifix, in the snow, in her underwear no less, she noted that she looked pretty damn pissed off. Turning rather painfully to the side, she realized that Kitty was hanging on a cross to the right of her. Great. She had to spend her last moments on this paltry planet with Kitty, just like the last time. Was there no justice? Scowling, she noticed Kitty was gazing at her in a very strange way, and seemed to be struggling to say something through pain, fatigue and snow flakes.

"I love YOU, Chy-NA." She whined out. Chyna screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed. Infinite love her leather covered ass.

***

"Ooh, what's wrong with Chyna?" Billy inquired, as he strolled in the tombs. The battle was well and truly over, Chyna had simply lost the will to fight after the 'incident', Jericho and Stratuspatra well, well gone by this point. She was lying on the floor, clutching at her head, and looked quite a fright indeed. Jericho had just pulled off the biggest heist in Egyptian history, leaving with everything of value from the tombs of Stratuspatra, gifts to the Messiah from a blond bimbo, oh the humanity. Mr. Ass crossed his arms and tsk tsk'ed. "Oh, she is such a drama queen."

Road Dogg and X-Pac both looked expectantly at Chyna, their eyes glimmering with hope as they awaited the mandatory low-blow. But none came, none came. It was a dark day indeed.

X-Pac swiped at a tear. "It's so sad."

Road Dogg sniffled. "She's lost the will…to low-blow."

And they both fell into each other's embrace, sobbing very, very loudly at the situation. It was exactly at this point that Kitty shuddered, yawned and finally woke up. She looked as fresh as a daisy, and for the first time since Chyna had fallen, clutching at her head, she spoke.

"Kitty, when did you really come back into consciousness?"

"About twenty minutes after you so rudely smacked me in the head."

"I thought as much." She replied grimly. "You can be a real bitch, you know that?"

"I told you I'd get you back."

"I think you've gotten me back enough for one day." Chyna said very regrettably, heaving herself out of the dirt, turning around and smashing Billy up the ass with a hellbent low-blow, all without the bat of an eyelid. X-Pac and Road Dogg looked at each other, and giggled in joy.

"She's back!"

***

Chyna hadn't lost anytime in becoming herself again; wrenching Billy by his blond perm, she stomped purposely out of the Tombs of Stratuspatra, enjoying her victims pitiful struggling against her mighty muscles and nasty grip. Kane was still sleeping when they reached the outside world, all snuggled up in Billy's repulsive yellow cloak, and snoring quietly. Chyna gaped.

"Has he been out here the WHOLE time?!" She demanded, staring at the Big Red Machine on the ground. Kitty pouted and crossed her arms as Chyna kicked at her half brother at the ground. "Where the hell were you!? Jericho fucking got away!"

Kane sleepily opened one eye. "Damn, I knew it was either gonna be that or you kicking it again." Kane turned his back on Chyna and tried to get back to sleep.

"Kane!" Kitty said in her well perfected whine. "Lazy, lazy, lazy!"

"And bitchy, bitchy, bitchy." Billy added. Kane grunted and sat up.

"Bitchy?" Said X-Pac in confusion. "C'mon man, you're the only bitch standing here!"

"Yeah, don't try to take the attention of yourself!" Road Dogg reprimanded.

Kane got up sluggishly, scratching his ear and enjoying Billy getting the rap he deserved. Chyna sighed, but didn't make any move to stop Kane chokeslamming Billy as hard as he possibly could into the sand. Tell the truth, she really enjoyed watching him get nailed and secretly wished she had some popcorn. She sighed, pulling out her sword and planting it into the earth; she looked at Kane.

"Too bad about the vision and everything." He said. "Really scared me even."

"You SAW my vision?" Chyna snapped. "And you still didn't get up?!"

Kane shrugged. "She really whined it out, didn't she?"

"I don't need your analysis of my situation, you lazy bastard."

Kane smiled. He liked that title a lot more than 'bitch'. Chyna continued.

"Well as I see it, I have three options here."

"Mm?"

"One, kill myself." Chyna's jaw clenched. "Two, kill Kitty."

"And three?" Kane inquired.

"Three…kill everyone in the whole fucking world."

Kane shrugged. "Well, whatever."

***

Back on the barge to Greece, Chyna sat alone on the deck. X-Pac had finally taken too much abuse and had bitch-slapped Kitty, and as far as she knew she was still pretending to be unconscious. She liked it. Hanging out with Kitty and getting peace and quiet. She sat silently, half wishing her sidekick would stay asleep and half wishing she would get up and make some of these little dumplings with the red stuff in them, before doing something she had never done before; she was going to pray.

"You know I don't believe in praying, pretty boy." She scowled at the heavens. "Just as much as I believe that my left foot would make a fucking better King of the Gods that you do. Still, I need some guidance…is killing the Messiah in order to stop some totally heinous infinite love from Kitty the wrong thing to do?"

Chyna hadn't expected a reply, especially in a beam of special effects. "Do you have any idea how much business I'm gonna lose if you don't do in the fucking Messiah?!"

"Never thought of that." Chyna mused. "Well, what do you expect, where the hell is your infinite love?"

"Well, where the hell is yours?"

"Touché."

"Just do me a favor and knock off the Messiah. Kay?" The beam of light said, before vanishing off the deck of the ship. Chyna scrunched her face up like a cabbage, not entirely satisfied with her experience, and in an epitome of indifference decided to settle back and catch some sleep. She had just drifted off when she awoke, instinctively knowing that Kane and Billy were having an epic cat fight to the level of her and Trish's tussle. Shaking off the disturbance in the forces of nature emanating from below the deck, she rolled over on her side.

"Trippy."

The End.