*Author: Jania Jitsu
*Disclaimer: Oh, yeah, lemme tell ya. They're mine, all right. Hermione makes my dinner and Sirius serves it on a silver platter that Ron cleans with a toothbrush. Lupin walks my dog and Draco cleans my toilets, cos he's a nasty little bugger, even though I imagine him cute and wish he were a good guy. For real? Uhh . . . just think about it a moment.
*Feedback: jania_jitsu@yahoo.com This fic is my baby, so don't drop it on its head or shout at it or I may get defensive. In other words? I ADORE making fun of flames. If you flame me (e-mail or review me with no constructive criticism, just stupid brainless insults) I WILL publicly ridicule you. I will go so far as to add your review to the next part of this story just so I can make fun of it. But we're all nice people, here, so I'm sure that won't happen, right??
*Spoilers: It's possible. You are warned.
*Season/Sequel Info: Takes place before and during Prisoner of Azkaban. And I've decided that this'll go after, too, given the plot I'm busy setting up.
*Rating: PG-13
*Warnings/Notes: I've done my best, but I may have gotten something off a bit. Sorry if I have. You can choose to notify me and my future stories would be grateful, and I'll probably change it here, too. (I think I'm just gonna leave all that there as kind of a second disclaimer.)
Want an explanation for "Jobey"? Well, I thought it was pretty cool, first of all. I had him as Connor ("wolf-lover") because I like names with significance, but then people pointed out to me that his middle name begins with the letter J, so I changed it. There weren't a lot of good J names, so I chose Jobey, which is Hebrew for "persecuted". I dunno, I thought it worked. Yes, that means Lupin's name means Speedy Persecuted Wolf-like. (LOL- it's actually really funny when you look at it like that!)
I wanted to warn you that this story is probably going to be very long, even though I'm planning on breaking it down into at least two major stories. So don't get worried when I go into one of my diatribes about Lupin's past. : ) There is an actual story in the works, not just flashbacks. I figure, hey, Lupin has a lot to think about. Let him think for a while, while he has the chance. (Which would be before I get to the plot- there's a lot of room here.) Then we can get to the important stuff. And- hey- who knows? Maybe Lupin will tell me something useful. Like who I should set him up with. Or if I should set him up at all. Apparently (from what he's been telling me) he really wants love, but is terrified of rejection. Go figure. That's what you get, letting people talk inside your head.
Much ice-cream and many hugs to my Beta-Readers, Scarlet and Jess.
secrets and lies
Lupin walked towards his classroom, not making a sound. He got to the doorway and pressed his ear to the door. The children were already inside. He could hear them talking. Lupin checked his schedule. First year Ravenclaws. He had just gotten through with the fourth year Slytherins, which had been interesting.
Lupin pushed the door open a crack and waited a second. No one had heard. They were still talking. Lupin peeked in through the cracks and watched them. He had a minute and a half until class started.
"D'you think they'll make us fight vampires or anything?" a short little boy asked worriedly, obviously terrified at the thought of vampires.
"Why would they?" a girl with an odd accent replied. "This is only our first year. They can't expect us to know anything."
Lupin frowned, listening to her talk. Her accent sounded Scottish, but it was . . . different. Watered-down.
"You never know," another girl said. "My big brother said they did something with a Boggart."
Nearly the entire room gasped. The rest of the students decided to enter the conversation.
"What happened?"
"Professor Lupin won't expect us to-"
"I don't know . . . would he?"
"Would they let him?"
"I wonder if he's any good."
"Not if you listen to Professor Snape."
"Who listens to Snape the Snake anyway?"
Lupin- with some effort- wiped the smile off his face and chose this moment to enter the room. He had watched them a bit longer than he had intended to. It was time for class to begin.
The students all turned their heads to the squeaking door. Lupin wondered idly what they saw. He was feeling much better, though he probably didn't look it. Then there was the state of his robes and his briefcase. Years ago Lupin would have been ashamed of the patches and tatters. But Lupin was trying not to think of years ago. He wasn't Moony any more.
He was at his desk now. He looked at the room through his peripheral vision- eyes followed his every movement.
Better make 'em good then, Lupin. He had already decided what he wanted to do.
Lupin put his briefcase down on his desk and looked up at the class with a critical, but indifferent gaze. Countless eyes of all different shapes and colors looked back at him, expectantly. Lupin cleared his throat.
"Well," he said in a cold voice that he mentally thanked Snape for, "I hope you've been doing your reading. I'll need an essay on chapter twenty-three by next class. Five feet of parchment."
The first years' eyes went wide and their mouths dropped open with disbelief. They hadn't read the entire book, of course. One child was about to protest, and another to cry, when Lupin did something they really hadn't expected.
He laughed.
"Just kidding," Lupin said with a smile, much to the relief of his students. "I'm Professor Lupin, and you're in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Given that you're first years we'll have to go kind of slow, but the idea is for you to learn. Yes, you in the back, we're actually here to learn."
The boy smiled, reminding Lupin of some blend between James and Sirius.
"Now, what's your name?"
"Me?" the boy asked.
"Yes, you."
"Isaac."
"All right, then, Isaac. Tell me: what do you know about hex reversal?"
Lupin was satisfied with his day. The students had done well and he had kept memories to a minimum. All business was he.
"Come on; get up already." Sirius ordered. He was bouncing up and down on the bed, obviously hyperactive.
Remus decided to ignore him. This was obviously the wrong decision.
"No, stop that blasted homework. All work and no play makes Moony a dull boy!"
"That's really clever, Padfoot. You should put it in a greeting card. You should start your own line- you'd be wonderful."
"I know, but thank you anyway."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, and so modest, too."
The most difficult class, of course, was the third year Gryffindors, but it was also Lupin's favorite. Harry was a little clone of his father, except for a sliver that Lily had claimed for herself.
Lily. Now that name brought back memories. As did James and Padfoot and Moony.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
"Come on," James Potter coaxed. "What's the matter?"
"Whatever it is, we won't tell anyone," Sirius Black promised. He held up two fingers. "Scout's honor."
Lily Evans, who was walking through, heard this and laughed. "Wrong fingers, Siri. And I'm not telling you anything more about Muggles if you're going to abuse the knowledge. Now, what are you doing to my poor Remy?"
"Hey," James teased, "whose girlfriend are you?"
Lily smiled wickedly and sat on the arm of Remus's chair. "Oh, I dunno," she said, "I think I like Remus better. He's sweeter, and much more sensible." She looked at Remus, who was blushing furiously. "What do you say, Remy? Wanna elope?"
Remus, deciding to play with the joke, shrugged and laughed. "All right."
"Great!" Lily landed in his lap- right on top of his homework scroll- with a plop, surprising the entire room.
James jumped up. "Now, just a minute, Lily!"
"Not now, Jamey," Lily said mock-crossly. "Remus and I are trying to make out passionately." She turned back to Remus and pretended to look deeply into his eyes. They were very pretty, but very odd- blue, with lots of honey-amber yellow.
"He could use a good snogging," Sirius said with a grin.
"Oh, look who's clever!" Remus threw a stray scroll at Sirius, who ducked out of the way just in time.
"So, what do we do now?" Lily asked.
"Much as I love you, Lily, you should probably get up. You're sitting on my homework. It'll be crushed."
"You heard the man, Lils- off. You're crushing his scroll."
Lily, Sirius, and Peter- who had stayed pretty much silent- burst out in laughter. Remus turned even redder, if that was possible.
"Oh, Lord," James said, rolling his eyes. "You know I didn't mean it like that!"
"That's right," Sirius reminded them all. "James has no sense of humor."
Remus turned away to hide his red face and wipe a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye and looked out the window where the sun was just beginning to set in a fiery glory.
Remus jumped up, accidentally causing Lily and the highly controversial scroll to spill off his lap and onto the floor. He turned back to the others. They had all stood up as well, thinking there was something wrong, and were looking at Remus with concern. His face was white and his amber/blue eyes were wide. His mouth opened, closed, then opened again.
"I-I have to go!" he said, pulling his shoes on in a rush.
"What's the hurry?" Sirius asked.
"My . . . my aunt," Remus replied, shoving a foot into his shoe.
"The one that died five months ago?"
Shit! Remus scrambled for a plausible lie. "No, umm, the other one. She's . . . sick. Have to go. Supposed to catch the train. She's a Muggle. At a Muggle hospital. Got to go. Can't believe I forgot! Stupid!" he growled almost violently to himself, an action that astonished his friends. That was the meanest thing they had ever seen mild-mannered Remus do, and it was to himself.
"What do you think that was about?" Peter asked after the exit was closed.
James frowned. "I dunno."
Lily frowned as well. "Is he always like this?" she asked. Lily had only been going around with James's crowd recently- about mid-term of this year, when she and James had bonded over a group assignment.
"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "His family's got pretty rotten luck. Every couple of months, one of them gets sick."
Lily's head snapped over to Sirius. "When was the last time?" she asked.
Sirius looked to the other two for help. "Four months ago," James answered. "When his cousin was ill."
"And has he been absent since then?"
"Yeah," Peter piped up. "About four and a half weeks ago his Dad's cousin got married."
"They must've let old Remy into the beer, cos he came back with a hangover if I ever saw one!" Sirius snickered. "Aching all over, poor chap."
Lily wanted to ask what a second-year at Hogwarts would know about hangovers, but she kept her mouth shut about that. "What color are Remus's eyes?" she asked instead.
The boys looked at her like she had lost it. Hadn't she just been looking at them?
"They're blue, I think," James answered.
"What kind of blue?" Lily pressed. "All blue, or blue with another color . . . ?"
"They're all blue," Sirius said. He'd had to un-curse one of Remus's eyes once. After spending so much time staring at an eye, he knew it.
"I have to go," Lily said suddenly, jumping up and running to the girls' dorm. The three remaining looked after her quizzically.
"Girls are so strange," Peter said, voicing the general opinion.
Remus ran across the grounds of Hogwarts like a Dementor was chasing him. He was out of breath when he reached the Whomping Willow. The sun was still pretty high in the horizon.
"So . . . sorry," he managed to gasp out. "Lost . . . track . . . of time . . ."
Poppy Pomfrey smiled, though it was somewhat strained. "Don't worry, Remus, you're early. As always."
Remus looked up at her curiously. Realizing that he was checking to make sure she really wasn't angry with him, Poppy tried to make her smile look more real. She had never met a sweeter boy, or a better patient, but he was a werewolf, for God's sake! And it was almost night time on a full moon. She had every right to be afraid of him, as she was now.
Seeming satisfied, Remus stepped through the secret entrance under the Whomping Willow.
"Good night, Remus Lupin," Poppy called as cheerfully as she could, giving a little wave. "Sleep tight."
"Good night, Madam Pomfrey," Remus answered with just as much false cheer. He waved to her as the door closed. This had become their little custom.
Poppy backed off and the Whomping Willow started up again, sealing Remus in and everyone else out.
Poppy shook her head as she walked back to the castle. She unclasped her hands for a moment to wipe a tear away as she heard the first scream of pain echo through the dark night.
"I don't envy that poor boy a bit," she whispered to herself as she shut the door, hoping to shut out the screams, which could still be faintly heard. Hogwarts students would mistake them for nothing more than an overactive imagination. Or perhaps ghosts. They wouldn't guess the truth, and Remus certainly wouldn't tell anyone. The only people who knew his dirty little secret were the professors, Dumbledore, and her.
"Don't envy him a bit," Poppy repeated.
Remus screamed as he felt his bones begin to rearrange. He tried not to, but it was nearly impossible. The pain was so intense, and it was all over his body.
Sometimes, before he lost his human mind, Remus prayed for death. He would bargain with the God he was raised to believe in, begging for release from the pain and suffering. He did that now. But mostly he screamed.
Had someone entered the house- dubbed the "Shrieking Shack" by locals- twenty minutes later, they would not have seen a boy who would turn thirteen on June fourth. All they would see- if they were lucky- was a wolf, walking back and forth throughout the house, yearning to get free.
And eyes- amber, the color of honey, glowing in the dark as they searched for human prey.
Lily stayed up late looking through her Defense Against the Dark Arts book. She sighed in disgust. It didn't have what she wanted. One would think, in a second year textbook . . .
Lily was about to give up until morning when she thought she heard something in the distance. She cocked her head to one side- there it was again. She could barely hear it. It might just be her imagination. Realizing what- who- it must be, Lily turned white. Suddenly, she couldn't wait until morning.
She jumped out of bed and raced up to the Gryffindor boy's dorms, using a spell that made the tip of her wand glow with light. She searched until she came to the door marked "Zack Applegate, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter".
Lily paused for a moment, then pushed the door open. She walked into the room, barely controlling the urge to giggle as she searched for the bed containing James Potter.
The first bed was empty. That was Remus's.
The second was Sirius Black. His eyes blinked. "Hmmm, am I in one of James's dreams?" he asked sleepily.
"Yes," Lily said because, in her shock, she had no better response.
"All right then." He turned over and snored.
Controlling her laughter was getting more and more difficult as Lily found James's bed. She shook him awake.
"What?" he asked sleepily, grabbing his glasses. "What's wrong?" He saw who was there and jumped. "Lily! What're you doing here?"
"Shhh!" Lily shushed him, waving her hand urgently. "Quiet, or you'll wake the whole bloody school, and how would that look?"
"What're you doing here?" James asked, now quieter and more alert.
"I need to borrow your invisibility cloak."
James looked at her oddly. "Is it about whatever set you and Remus off earlier? Is something wrong with him?"
Lily hesitated before answering. "Yes to both."
"Do you know what?"
"I think I do, but I should go to the library to be sure. Now can I borrow your cloak or not?"
"Yes, but we're coming with you."
"Wait a minute," Lily bristled, "what do you mean, 'we'?"
"Me and Sirius and Peter. We're coming along."
"Oh, no you're not!" Lily said.
"He's our friend," James pointed out. "I want to know what you think is wrong with him."
Lily thought for a minute, then sighed. "All right. Wake up Peter. I'll get Sirius. We need to be quiet, though. I mean absolutely no noise."
"Yes ma'am!" James saluted. Lily rolled her eyes.
Somehow they all fit under that invisibility cloak. Somehow they got down to the library without being caught.
Lily walked through the library, only somewhat aware that the three boys were following her. She ran her fingers along the spines of the books. She stopped when she got to one, read the title, and pulled it out. She opened the book, flipping through the pages until she found what she wanted.
In five minutes- the time it took her to read and re-read a passage in that book- Lily's face lost all the cheer it usually held.
"What's the matter with her?" Sirius asked in a stage whisper. Lily held the book out. James took it and looked at the cover.
"Werewolves: the Wolf-Men?"
"Turn to page two hundred thirty," Lily replied dully.
James obediently turned to the page and read. Sirius and Peter read over his shoulder.
"But-" Sirius stopped, then started again. "But what does this have to do with Remus. You're not saying . . ."
"Oh, come on," Lily snapped. "It makes sense. He's gone once a month, coincidently on the full moon. Every time he explains it away, but . . . you all know what a bad liar Remus is."
Peter snickered at a really funny memory, one of the times they had gotten into trouble, but the laugh caught in his throat.
"His aunt must have died three times in the past two years."
"He could have more than one aunt," Sirius reasoned. "That doesn't make him a werewolf."
"And all his relatives just happen to die. Or get sick. Or marry. Or have children. Or . . . whatever. He must have a pretty big family, for all this stuff to be happening in the space of two years. Once a month."
Sirius had no retort for this, so he just glared at Lily.
James sighed. "What do we do?"
Lily looked up, surprised. "I . . . I don't know. I was hoping I was wrong so much that I hadn't really planned past this part."
to be continued . . .
