Pint of Sin
by: ChocoMonkey and DoomMonkey
Disclaimers: Not ours. So sad, but so true. Leave us alone about it. It's depressing.
Author's Note: While we are crack monkeys, we don't think the whole slashing of these two would work out well....in the end. Therefore, you might be disappointed by the ending. *shrugs* Meh. Read it anyway though. It's cute.
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Crowley walked out into the parking lot. Grocery stores were such fascinating places, especially at one in the morning. So many minor evils could be inflicted upon the poor, sleep-deprived mortals.
In the past half-hour, he had made someone with thirty items go through the "fifteen-items-or-less" line (the little old man swore the twenty-two cans of tuna fish counted as one item), made the dumbest clerk in the store have to run a price-check on a package of condoms for an embarrassed pimply-faced teenager who looked as if he would never use them, and made a newborn with an ear-infection scream incessantly as its mother waited for its prescription to be filled....
But his crowning achievement of the night was obtaining the last pint of Edy's Dreamery Chocolate Truffle Explosion. He'd see the three stressed-out college students braving the cold for what they called "pints of sin" to relieve finals anxiety. But there would be no sin for them. He chuckled. This would be good. Maybe they would kill their roommates, or something similarly gruesome.
Now he had to see if the stuff lived up to its name. He popped the top off of the carton and gave it a lick with his long, snake-like tongue.
"Oh, wow!" Crowley almost moaned as he climbed into his Bentley. This stuff was good! No, beyond good. It was... dare he say it?...orgasmic!
He thought it belonged to Heaven, but then he read the Nutritional Information bar on the side of the carton. This had to be the work of the Boss himself! He had to show it to Aziraphale.
He drove quickly to the angel's bookshop and barged inside before he ate the entire pint. "Aziraphale!" he called.
"Hello, Crowley," Aziraphale said looking up from his book on saints only slightly confused. He was growing used to this barging in on Crowley's part.
"I've got something for you, Angel.", Crowley said, his eyes gleaming.
Aziraphale frowned. The tone of Crowley's voice slightly unnerved him which he assumed was what Crowley was intending. He cleared his head of any double meanings that even an angel could have read into that comment. "Oh?"
"Oh, yes" Crowley grinned. "Something quite... demonic, as a matter of fact. Something I know you'll truly enjoy."
"I see," Aziraphale said crossing his arms. "As I'm an angel, I don't see how that is supposed to make me anxious to see whatever this something is."
"But you should be, my dear associate." Crowley said, sidling up to the angel. "After all, have I ever steered you wrong?" he looked at Aziraphale with big, dark, innocent eyes.
"Let me think," Aziraphale said pretending to ponder this briefly. "Yes."
"Port." responded the demon. "You love port. You'll love this, too"
The angel blinked. "I'll give you that but...you said demonic. This is not an adjective that interests me. Had you said, angelic, pure, or innocent maybe I would consider it."
Crowley stroked his chin. "OK. It's pure. I heard some college students say so. Very educated girls."
What are we talking about again?" Aziraphael said shaking his head in dismay. "I give up. Just show it to me." Maybe then he could go back to his book.
"This, my darling associate," he said, holding up the carton "is Chocolate Truffle Explosion. You want some. You need some. Your life is meaningless without some."
Aziraphale began laughing. "That...that's....this..." He bagan giggling uncontrollably. A pint of ice cream? Then he thought of the whole affair with the apple and began to regain some control over himself. "You're temping me...with a pint of ice cream?"
"It's much, much better than apples. If I'd had this in the Day, Adam, Eve, the entire animal kingdom and possibly even the Big Guy himself would have been outcast."
Aziraphale snorted and shook his head. "Still....I was expecting something else. Ice cream is nice. I have had ice cream though, you know."
"But this isn't just ice cream," Crowley said mimicking the angel. "This is Edy's Dreamery Chocolate Truffle Explosion! It's better than sex!"
Aziraphale blushed. "If you say so...."
"Look." said the demon, putting his face level with the angel's. "The Bible never said anything about ice cream, except that you can't eat meat with it, and that was only in the first edition. If you must deny yourself all of the other earthly pleasures, at least give this one a go. It can't hurt."
Aziraphale gulped.
"Okay. Can't do any harm seeing as it's just ice cream. It is really just ice cream, right?" He added a tad suspiciously.
"What else would it be? Drugs don't affect us unless we let them, remember?"
"True," Aziraphale said.
"Here", Crowley said, holding out the carton and a spoon. "Eat."
The angel sighed taking the spoon and ate the ice cream on it as though he was afraid once he had consumed it, that he would spontaneously combust.
He blinked afterwards. "Oh. Wow."
Crowley grinned. "See? What'd I tell you?"
"Wow," Aziraphale said licking his lips still struck dumb by how wonderfully good the ice cream was. He felt a bit..wicked for having it, but.....it had been worth it.
"You want some more?" asked Crowley slyly
Aziraphale nodded not trusting himself to speak.
Crowley handed him the half-pint that remained.
Aziraphale began eating it daintily at first and then began almost to inhale it. He made sounds of obvious pleasure as he did so. It really was wonderful.
Crowley looked on, amused. "Wow, angel." he said, smirking. "I never thought I'd hear those sounds coming from you."
Aziraphale blushed stopping in mid-swallow. "Err...ummm...that is....I..."
"Oh, go ahead. Don't be shy. Enjoy yourself, Aziraphale."
Aziraphale looked at him suspiciously for a moment then went back to the ice cream. He really couldn't resist the sinful chocolate of it anyway....He tried to keep the "mmmm"ing noises down however.
Aziraphale was a bit disappointed as he reached the bottom of the pint. "Don't suppose you have any more?" He asked as he eyed the remaining ice cream more longingly than he had just about anything at all. Ever.
"Well, we could raid the factory..."
Aziraphale sighed mournfully. "I guess that's a no then." He hurriedly ate the rest of it before he thought too much about how rude it would be to eat all of Crowley's ice cream.
He handed the empty pint to Crowley and beamed innocently. "Thank you."
"No problem, angel." Crowley said, tossing the container out the window. "I really do have to find out who's responsible for this."
Aziraphale sighed sadly. "You just littered."
"Do you really care, after that?"
"Err..of course I do," Aziraphale said and he moved to go after the container. even if he didn't he definitely had to go get it now.
"What if I told you I had more?" Crowley said, blocking his way.
"Ummm....I'd say...err..'Let me dispose of the empty pint and then lead the way to more ice cream,' Aziraphale said forcing himself not to get all giddy at the idea that more ice cream was available and forget about the litter.
"All right. Your loss." said the demon as he pulled a fresh pint from somewhere inside his coat and began eating it.
"But...litter...." Aziraphale said unhappily. More because he was concerned about the ice cream rather than worried for the empty pint.
He tried to move past Crowley to take care of the litter quickly.
Crowley ignored Aziraphale's attempts to push past him and continued to eat the ice cream.
"Crowley," Aziraphale said in a voice bordering on a whine. "Please move?"
"Mmmmm" moaned the demon.
The angel wanted the ice cream so badly. He eyed it longingly. He supposed the litter could wait. It would be there when he was done eating the ice cream.
"Crowley? Can I have some?" He asked the demon almost begging. "I'll do anything for some more...errr..I mean..."
He shook his head. He was making a fool of himself over ice cream. He shrugged and went back to pleading for more.
The demon turned around, eyes glittering. "Really?" he asked, holding up the spoon.
"Ummm......yes...no...that is....." Aziraphale eyed the ice cream practically drooling with desire for it. "Depends?" he managed weakly.
"On what?" asked Crowley. He was enjoying this.
"On what you want me to do," Aziraphale said unhappily. "Ice cream.....," he said whining before he could help it. It looked so good. It was so good. It was unbelieveably good.
"Hmmmm..." the demon said pensively. The ice cream was beginning to melt.
"Hurry, Crowley. It's melting," Aziraphale said pleadingly afraid for his beloved ice cream.
"Clean my car!", Crowley said triumphantly. "No more "Best of Queen" tapes." he added gleefully.
"Clean....your....car?" Aziraphale said blinking. That...wouldn't be so bad. It couldn't be that bad..... He thought it over. He knew he probably shouldn't agree but...ice cream...chocolate....good... "Okay."
Crowley handed the angel the remainder of the pint, dancing with joy.
Aziraphale ignored Crolwey and began eating the ice cream like he was stark raving mad.
Crowley continued to caper about, grinning madly. "Bye bye, Freddie Mercury!" he sang, horribly off-key, of course.
Aziraphale looked up. "Do you mind?" He looked displeased to be interrupted by terrible singing. "I'm trying to enjoy myself over here."
The demon stopped singing. "Sorry"
"Thank you," Aziraphale said scarfing down what reminded of the ice cream all dignity thrown aside.
"Enjoy yourself, Angel?" Crowley said after he'd finished.
Aziraphale nodded happily. "Sure did," he chirped brightly throwing the pint away properly.
"Good. Now on to my car..."
"Huh?" Aziraphale said a bit confused. Reality slowly dawned on him. "You were..kidding right?"
Crowley just grinned. "Nope."
(((((())))))
TBC....eventually
