Thank you to all the people who reviewed, I used one of your suggestions. I also gave Frodo a better part at someone's insistence. It's a pointless chapter, but I just took a break from my paper on "Antigone," so we have a little of the Greek tragedy element here. I know you're all just dying to read it now.



Chapter 9: The Battle of Lórien Customs

The Fellowship of the Passion Fruit traveled to Lothlórien, leaving all their evil in the mines of Moria so they wouldn't have to go through customs. Their hearts were full of sadness for Gandalf. They kept walking until they reached the Golden Wood, where an elf with long blonde hair came to meet them.

"Did you bring any evil with you?" said the elf.

"No," said Legolas, "we left it all in Moria."

"Excellent, what about sadness?"

"Um, I didn't know we couldn't bring sadness into Lórien," said Legolas.

"New rules. You'll have to leave it behind or check it."

So the Fellowship spent two hours in line waiting to check their sadness. In the meantime, Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam had already ridden to Lórien and were also waiting in line at customs. Aragorn, unaware of the rules, had brought his evil with him. The Fellowship approached their friends.

"Hi guys!" said Gimli, "Is Aragorn king?"

"Yes," said Frodo.

"Wonderful," said Mercedes, "now nothing stands between me and Le. . . holycrapyouhaveblueeyes!"

"I know" said Frodo, "I use them to disorient people. Now you find me irresistible."

"I don't find you at all attractive," said Mercedes, "but those are some BLUE eyes!"

"Mine are cuter," said Legolas, completely out of character.

"Well," said Mercedes, "I don't judge cuteness by eyes. You'll both have to take off your clothes for that one."

"Sure!" said Frodo and Legolas, very out of character again and they began to take their clothes off.

"Ohmygosh!" cried a lot of screaming girls, "Oh! Oh! He's so gorgeous! He's mine!" The girls continued screaming wildly, shouting propositions so lewd and obscene in nature, that they cannot be retold in this story.

"How is that even physically possible?" wondered Legolas.

"Wouldn't you strain something?" asked Frodo.

Suddenly the mob of girls turned from obsessive to violent. They began arguing who was cuter, Legolas or Frodo.

"Look at the eyes!"

"Look at the ears!"

"He's so little!"

"He's so tall!"

Then the fighting began. On the edges of Lothlórien, in the customs line, an epic battle was fought. It would by retold in stories and songs of great kings and weary travelers. The Battle of Lórien Customs, so named because of its location, pitted blue eyes against pointy ears. There was hair-pulling, vicious name-calling, eye-poking, shin-kicking, and a great deal of terrible screaming. Mercedes, the beautiful elven warrior with long fiery hair stood aside watching the great battle next to Legolas and Frodo. Then, the fairest of elves made a fatal mistake.

"How silly those girls are," she said, "when I'm going to marry Legolas anyway!"

A nearby girl heard this proclamation and dragged the lovely elf by her beautiful hair into the vicious battle.

"It's okay, though" said Mercedes, "I'm an elf. I'm immortal. Ha ha, do your worst!"

"Mercedes," yelled Legolas to her, "elves can't die of old age, but they can be slain!"

"Oh, shit" said Mercedes quickly getting out of the battle.

The Battle of Lórien Customs continued for a long time, and when the sun set on the battlefield, the bodies of thousands of young girls littered the ground. And it would long be said that there was no winner of the great and epic battle, only great fools who had given their lives to a stupid cause.

"That was a pointless chapter" said Gimli.

"It was almost as pointless as the Battle of Helm's Deep" said a very attractive and still half-naked Legolas.

" 'almost' being the operative word" said Frodo.

"Who were they?" asked Mercedes.

"They were girls of Gondor," said Aragorn sadly, "they followed me here because they loved me, but when they laid their eyes on Frodo and Legolas, their fickle hearts turned from me."

"I see," said Mercedes.

"What?" asked Gimli.

"They died because of you," she told the Fellowship, "you upset the díke (pronounced Dee-kay), the natural order of things, by summoning Captain Planet in the first chapter. It was an act against nature, and for the díke to be restored, a huge and pointless battle had to be fought."

"Interesting. Where are we going now?"

TO BE CONTINUED.

Um. . . yea, it was stupid I know. It's my first day back at school, and I'm ready for another vacation. I told bunnyb to have her story end with everybody dying because Aura upset the dike, but she didn't. So I did, and there's nothing you can do to stop my Sophoclean allusions. (evil laughter)