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Chapter 11: Catalina comes to Gondor

The Fellowship all climbed onto their bus and sped off for Gondor. In twenty-seven minutes, they made it to the palace which had been decorated in honor of the homecoming of their exiled King. All who looked on the great castle with its regal flying banners and great golden trumpets agreed it was very pretty and shiny. A few days later, the passion fruit was delivered to the palace, and a messenger was sent to call Queen Catalina to Gondor. Unfortunately,

"He was killed by the kitty archers?" said Legolas incredulously.

"I told you they could be vicious" said Mercedes, "I wish they had ripped off all your clothing and left you in only your pointy ears and a smile."

"NO FLUFF!" bellowed Gandalf from the King's big room.

"Then find my interior monologue for me!" said Mercedes blushing furiously.

"Anyway," said Legolas, "it says in the report that he was licked and 'cuddled' to death."

"We'll have to send a new messenger," said Mercedes, "and I think that shirt is very becoming on you, then again, if I were on you I'd be…"

"NOOOOOO!" yelled Gandalf.

"It's not my fault!"

So another messenger was dispatched to the woods of Briské, but was again killed by the fearsome kitty archers. So it was decided that Mercedes and Fluffy should go.

"I won't go without Legolas" said Mercedes.

"I'm not going with you," said Legolas backing away, "you'll attack me in the night and steal my clothes."

"Oh no!" said Mercedes despairingly, "I knew Lauren was right. You don't like girls."

"Hey wait a minute," said Legolas, "I like girls! In fact I'm going with you!"

So they traveled to Briské, which was very awkward for Legolas as he had to go shirtless into the realm of the Spanish-speaking elves. His shirt had been taken, he was told by Mercedes, by a savage herd of antelope.

"I fought bravely to defend it, but they overpowered me. They have horns. Seriously."

When they reached the forests, they were ambushed by a small group of kitty archers. Fluffy spoke to them and the three companions were escorted to the palace of Queen Catalina.

"Hola Mercedes," said Queen Catalina.

"Hola," said Mercedes.

"We found you an extremely good-looking and stupid king of a huge realm and a passion fruit." Said Legolas.

"Excellent," said the fair queen whose long blonde hair streamed to her feet, "I'm sorry about your messengers."

"That's okay."

"Oh, by the way, Mercedes," said the queen, "you left your interior monologue here. Lauren's been keeping it safe for you."

"Bonjour" said a voice from behind them. There was a human girl in fuchsia robes. She had light brown hair and green eyes, "oh, Mercedes! We 'ave been zo vorried about you! I 'ave been keeping ze interior monologue for you." She said in a thick French accent.

"She called one too many elves girly and they stripped her of the immortality and intelligence she possessed as a Spanish-speaking elf," Mercedes whispered to Legolas.

"You told Mercedes I was gay in an earlier paragraph! I had to come here shirtless with a psycho to prove my manliness" said Legolas to Lauren, "you shall pay for this!"

"Zorry," said Lauren.

Mercedes, Fluffy, Lauren, Queen Catalina, and a still-shirtless Legolas traveled back to Gondor with an escort of kitty warriors. They were welcomed to the court, and Queen Catalina the fair elven queen was presented to Aragorn son of Arathorn and ruler of Men as his bride.

"Cool," said Aragorn.

"No!" screamed Lauren, "I vant to marry ze hot, sexy king!"

"Too bad," said Gandalf.

"No! I vant to be queen! L'etat c'est moi!" she screamed.

"Well, it's up to Aragorn to decide which of these girls that he's never met before will be his queen," said Gandalf wisely, followed by, "Ooooh, a cliffhanger, it's so exciting!"

To be continued.

Yes, l'etat c'est moi is the only thing I know how to say in French. "The state is me (or mine, not sure)" –Louis XIV. As always, reviews are a good thing.