Monday, July 17, 2000
After a night completely devoid of sleep, this morning I came to the conclusion that what I needed to do was not be around Jake. Since all of this heavy weirdness begins and ends with Jake, I figure if I stay away from Jake...it will all go away.
That doesn't change the fact that I thought about Jake all night. I thought about his eyes, those mysterious, intense eyes. How can they be laughing and so serious all at the same time? I thought about his lips. How soft they were and how they felt against mine. I never thought a guys lips would feel that soft. I guess I always assumed guys were just...I don't know....rougher? I thought about the intensity of those few moments and what it would have been like if I had pulled him back to me instead of letting him back away and leave.
What would we have done then? How is kissing a guy different from kissing a girl? Would I have held him close, so we were pressed against each other? Would I have kissed him then? Would I have wanted more contact and deepened the kiss? Where would my hands go? Would it excite me to be kissing and touching him? Would he get excited? And god, what would that feel like? I can't even imagine what it would be like to feel someone else's erection pressed up against me. I never thought I'd ever be wondering what that would be like! And I'm not entirely sure I want to know. Even now, even with everything that's happened, I'm not sure I want to know any of this.
What I forgot in my sleep-deprived stupor was that we go to the same school, have classes together and are on the same crew team. Makes it a little hard to completely avoid someone when you're forced to be with him 3 hours or more a day. I managed though and got through the day without speaking to Jake. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be, actually. Jake kept looking at me, like he wanted to talk. He looked so sad, too. It almost made me give in and talk to him, but I was afraid something would happen between us again and I couldn't take that chance. I'm just not ready for what might happen if we're along again.
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
I really thought that ignoring Jake would be easier than this. I thought I would feel better if I didn't talk to him. But I can't completely avoid Jake and the truth is I don't feel better. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for 2 days. He just looks so sad and alone. I also realized something that I hadn't thought of before (and I don't know why I hadn't) but Jake kissed me. He kissed me - I didn't kiss him. That means that Jake is gay, not me. Maybe I'm just having all these weird thoughts because I'm around someone who is gay and who is obviously interested in being more than friends with me. I've never been friends with someone who was gay before and I've never had another guy kiss me. How the hell am I supposed to know what's a normal reaction and what isn't? Maybe what I need to do is just set the record straight with Jake. Tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him since he kissed me. Yeah...that sounds good.
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Today I was supposed to talk to Jake and set things straight between us. Tell him point blank that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him anymore. That was the plan I went to school with anyway.
Things did not go the way I planned.
Somehow things went south on me once I got in his room. Instead of telling him I wasn't comfortable being around him, I agreed that we should forget about and still be friends. I'm still not sure how exactly that happened.
All I know for sure is that as soon as I got near Jake, I was drawn to him again. And my intentions flew out the window. Whatever resolve I may have still possessed was wiped out when we shook hands. I know I held on to his hand longer than I should have, but again those eyes had me. I was concentrating on his eyes, not even realizing that I was still holding his hand from the handshake. I got out of there and practically ran back home.
So here I sit - again. Wondering what it all means and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to deal with this. That handshake was unlike any other I can remember. Jake's hand was soft and smooth, almost delicate and it fit just right in mine. Feeling his skin against mine made my heart race. I didn't want to let go. I even remember running my thumb over the top of his hand. That's like... a sign of affection...I was being affectionate with a guy! What the hell was I thinking? I went there to set things straight with him (how's that for an unintentional pun?) and end up caressing his hand. I'm an idiot.
As I left Jake's room, I had to admit to the possibility that I am gay. Ugh, my stomach ties itself in knots every time I say that word. Anyway, there was no denying how I was feeling towards Jake at that moment. Once I was safe at home though, I started to think about all the other guys around here. There are plenty of them and most of them would be considered good-looking, but I don't have this reaction to anyone but Jake. I couldn't think of one other guy that was even remotely appealing to me. No one caused any tingles or electricity when I thought about them. Which makes me think I'm fine - I'm not gay. But if I sit here and think about Jake's lips against mine and Jake's hand in mine - my shorts start to shrink. And that brings me right back to "I think I'm gay." What is it about Jake that makes him so different and makes me so crazy?!?
Friday, July 21, 2000
Thank God today was Friday. It was really hard trying to act normal during classes and practice after what's happened. At least I don't have to see him this weekend. I can just stay at home and not have to deal with Jake and all the weirdness.
Monday, July 24, 2000
I can't stand this! After a relatively peaceful weekend away from Jake, today was all strange again. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but every time I look at him, I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. Is he thinking about me? Is he thinking about kissing me again? Does he know what he's done to me? I should have just decked him when I had the chance. Maybe things would have ended right then and there and I wouldn't be so freaked out.
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
I went to Jake's room first this morning to try and once again, make it clear that if he's gay - fine, but it's not what I want for myself. He didn't argue. He didn't fight. He just said "ok" and left. I should be happy that he agreed so easily. (Of course, that may have had something to do with me threatening to deck him if he ever kissed me again.) So why can't I shake this vague feeling of disappointment? It's almost like I wanted him to try and convince me I was wrong.
I'm back...Jake caught me a little while ago out on the lawn. His bike is gone and I'm thinking the groundskeeper found it. I feel kinda bad, too. I snapped at him at first and I didn't really mean to. It was my idea to put the bike there in the first place. I shouldn't bite his head off when he's asking for my help because I'm worried about being gay. It's just that there were people everywhere and it felt like every one of them could see that there was something between us. It's not as bad when it's Jake and I, but as soon as anyone else is around, I feel like I have "queer" tattooed on my forehead and all the guys are going to find out what's been going on.
We're going after his bike tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure I know where it is and how to get it back. Good thing George is such a "Felicity" freak. Once the show starts, we could probably start the bike in his shop and he wouldn't notice!
Will I be able to not notice Jake, though? How are we supposed to be alone, late at night and keep things normal? Do I want to keep things normal? I like being around Jake. I really do. We have a lot in common and it's fun to hang out with him. But what should I do if "something else" happens? Do I deck him like I threatened, run away or go with it?
In some strange way, I almost wish he would kiss me again - just so I could see what it would be like. So I could see if there is that same intensity and spark the second time.
But in an even bigger way, I wish we could just go back to being just friends again. We could hang out and have fun without opening the floodgates of self-doubt and sexual confusion. This summer was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to enjoy my first session as a Rawley student, not have my life turned upside down.
Wednesday, July 26, 2000
Getting Jake's bike back went better than I thought it would. Maybe there is hope for the friendship thing after all. It was late, we were alone, in close contact with each other but nothing freaky happened. He didn't try to kiss me. I didn't try to kiss him. We talked, laughed at George and his Felicity obsession and enjoyed the rush of sneaking around the school late at night. It was fun. Fun like we had before that kiss screwed everything up. More fun than I'd had in 10 days.
He said a couple of things that are stuck in my mind though. First, he assured me that he wasn't gay. He said that the kiss was a "sketchy moment, " it was over and I didn't have to feel weird around him anymore. A sketchy moment? The guy turns my life upside down by kissing me and then says it was just a sketchy moment. How am I supposed to take that? And where does that leave me if he's not gay? Then, when I commented that the night had been "so Hardy Boys" and he says "yeah, meets Nancy Drew." What does that mean?
Friday, July 28, 2000
I feel like a jerk. I completely blew off Jake today. He invited me for a ride on his bike - something I had asked for in the past - and I didn't even look at him much less give him an answer. I wanted to go, I really did. It sounded like fun and I've wanted to get on that bike since I first laid eyes on it. But I couldn't make myself say yes or say anything at all.
It's just that he came up to me in the common room, right in front of all the guys and thanked me for last night! Without being specific about what we did last night. The look on Eric's face when he heard that...god! It was like he knew everything. I know I'm being paranoid. No one else knows about that kiss or my sudden sexual identity crisis, but why did Jake have say something like that and give people the chance to start wondering about it? That's how rumors get started and the last thing I need is my father hearing rumors about me.
I'm not even sure which would be worse - the guys thinking I'm gay or what my father would do if he thought I was 'tarnishing' his sterling reputation by becoming the subject of school rumors.
Rumors that may end up being true.
When Jake asked me to go for a ride, my first thought was that a motorcycle ride would be so cool. But then I thought about where I would be sitting and I panicked. Sitting behind him...close behind him...holding on. At that moment, with all the guys sitting there...it was a bad idea to say yes.
Right now, I'm thinking it might have been a good idea after all. We could have gotten away from the school and all the extra pairs of eyes and the required physical closeness of the ride would have given me a chance to see what touching him felt like again. Touching him without the pressure of it being considered "unnecessary touching" anyway - like a secret experiment or something. I could see how I felt and maybe get a better idea of what I really want here.
When Jake kissed me, it was about how he felt. He kissed me - he was in control of that moment. On the bike, I could control how much contact was made - he'd be busy driving. Then I could see if my skin heats up and my heart starts to race again.
Oh, hell...who am I kidding? I'm just thinking about touching him and my heart's pounding! So how exactly does one tell his parents that their only son is gay?
End Part 2
After a night completely devoid of sleep, this morning I came to the conclusion that what I needed to do was not be around Jake. Since all of this heavy weirdness begins and ends with Jake, I figure if I stay away from Jake...it will all go away.
That doesn't change the fact that I thought about Jake all night. I thought about his eyes, those mysterious, intense eyes. How can they be laughing and so serious all at the same time? I thought about his lips. How soft they were and how they felt against mine. I never thought a guys lips would feel that soft. I guess I always assumed guys were just...I don't know....rougher? I thought about the intensity of those few moments and what it would have been like if I had pulled him back to me instead of letting him back away and leave.
What would we have done then? How is kissing a guy different from kissing a girl? Would I have held him close, so we were pressed against each other? Would I have kissed him then? Would I have wanted more contact and deepened the kiss? Where would my hands go? Would it excite me to be kissing and touching him? Would he get excited? And god, what would that feel like? I can't even imagine what it would be like to feel someone else's erection pressed up against me. I never thought I'd ever be wondering what that would be like! And I'm not entirely sure I want to know. Even now, even with everything that's happened, I'm not sure I want to know any of this.
What I forgot in my sleep-deprived stupor was that we go to the same school, have classes together and are on the same crew team. Makes it a little hard to completely avoid someone when you're forced to be with him 3 hours or more a day. I managed though and got through the day without speaking to Jake. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be, actually. Jake kept looking at me, like he wanted to talk. He looked so sad, too. It almost made me give in and talk to him, but I was afraid something would happen between us again and I couldn't take that chance. I'm just not ready for what might happen if we're along again.
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
I really thought that ignoring Jake would be easier than this. I thought I would feel better if I didn't talk to him. But I can't completely avoid Jake and the truth is I don't feel better. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for 2 days. He just looks so sad and alone. I also realized something that I hadn't thought of before (and I don't know why I hadn't) but Jake kissed me. He kissed me - I didn't kiss him. That means that Jake is gay, not me. Maybe I'm just having all these weird thoughts because I'm around someone who is gay and who is obviously interested in being more than friends with me. I've never been friends with someone who was gay before and I've never had another guy kiss me. How the hell am I supposed to know what's a normal reaction and what isn't? Maybe what I need to do is just set the record straight with Jake. Tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him since he kissed me. Yeah...that sounds good.
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Today I was supposed to talk to Jake and set things straight between us. Tell him point blank that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him anymore. That was the plan I went to school with anyway.
Things did not go the way I planned.
Somehow things went south on me once I got in his room. Instead of telling him I wasn't comfortable being around him, I agreed that we should forget about and still be friends. I'm still not sure how exactly that happened.
All I know for sure is that as soon as I got near Jake, I was drawn to him again. And my intentions flew out the window. Whatever resolve I may have still possessed was wiped out when we shook hands. I know I held on to his hand longer than I should have, but again those eyes had me. I was concentrating on his eyes, not even realizing that I was still holding his hand from the handshake. I got out of there and practically ran back home.
So here I sit - again. Wondering what it all means and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to deal with this. That handshake was unlike any other I can remember. Jake's hand was soft and smooth, almost delicate and it fit just right in mine. Feeling his skin against mine made my heart race. I didn't want to let go. I even remember running my thumb over the top of his hand. That's like... a sign of affection...I was being affectionate with a guy! What the hell was I thinking? I went there to set things straight with him (how's that for an unintentional pun?) and end up caressing his hand. I'm an idiot.
As I left Jake's room, I had to admit to the possibility that I am gay. Ugh, my stomach ties itself in knots every time I say that word. Anyway, there was no denying how I was feeling towards Jake at that moment. Once I was safe at home though, I started to think about all the other guys around here. There are plenty of them and most of them would be considered good-looking, but I don't have this reaction to anyone but Jake. I couldn't think of one other guy that was even remotely appealing to me. No one caused any tingles or electricity when I thought about them. Which makes me think I'm fine - I'm not gay. But if I sit here and think about Jake's lips against mine and Jake's hand in mine - my shorts start to shrink. And that brings me right back to "I think I'm gay." What is it about Jake that makes him so different and makes me so crazy?!?
Friday, July 21, 2000
Thank God today was Friday. It was really hard trying to act normal during classes and practice after what's happened. At least I don't have to see him this weekend. I can just stay at home and not have to deal with Jake and all the weirdness.
Monday, July 24, 2000
I can't stand this! After a relatively peaceful weekend away from Jake, today was all strange again. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but every time I look at him, I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. Is he thinking about me? Is he thinking about kissing me again? Does he know what he's done to me? I should have just decked him when I had the chance. Maybe things would have ended right then and there and I wouldn't be so freaked out.
Tuesday, July 25, 2000
I went to Jake's room first this morning to try and once again, make it clear that if he's gay - fine, but it's not what I want for myself. He didn't argue. He didn't fight. He just said "ok" and left. I should be happy that he agreed so easily. (Of course, that may have had something to do with me threatening to deck him if he ever kissed me again.) So why can't I shake this vague feeling of disappointment? It's almost like I wanted him to try and convince me I was wrong.
I'm back...Jake caught me a little while ago out on the lawn. His bike is gone and I'm thinking the groundskeeper found it. I feel kinda bad, too. I snapped at him at first and I didn't really mean to. It was my idea to put the bike there in the first place. I shouldn't bite his head off when he's asking for my help because I'm worried about being gay. It's just that there were people everywhere and it felt like every one of them could see that there was something between us. It's not as bad when it's Jake and I, but as soon as anyone else is around, I feel like I have "queer" tattooed on my forehead and all the guys are going to find out what's been going on.
We're going after his bike tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure I know where it is and how to get it back. Good thing George is such a "Felicity" freak. Once the show starts, we could probably start the bike in his shop and he wouldn't notice!
Will I be able to not notice Jake, though? How are we supposed to be alone, late at night and keep things normal? Do I want to keep things normal? I like being around Jake. I really do. We have a lot in common and it's fun to hang out with him. But what should I do if "something else" happens? Do I deck him like I threatened, run away or go with it?
In some strange way, I almost wish he would kiss me again - just so I could see what it would be like. So I could see if there is that same intensity and spark the second time.
But in an even bigger way, I wish we could just go back to being just friends again. We could hang out and have fun without opening the floodgates of self-doubt and sexual confusion. This summer was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to enjoy my first session as a Rawley student, not have my life turned upside down.
Wednesday, July 26, 2000
Getting Jake's bike back went better than I thought it would. Maybe there is hope for the friendship thing after all. It was late, we were alone, in close contact with each other but nothing freaky happened. He didn't try to kiss me. I didn't try to kiss him. We talked, laughed at George and his Felicity obsession and enjoyed the rush of sneaking around the school late at night. It was fun. Fun like we had before that kiss screwed everything up. More fun than I'd had in 10 days.
He said a couple of things that are stuck in my mind though. First, he assured me that he wasn't gay. He said that the kiss was a "sketchy moment, " it was over and I didn't have to feel weird around him anymore. A sketchy moment? The guy turns my life upside down by kissing me and then says it was just a sketchy moment. How am I supposed to take that? And where does that leave me if he's not gay? Then, when I commented that the night had been "so Hardy Boys" and he says "yeah, meets Nancy Drew." What does that mean?
Friday, July 28, 2000
I feel like a jerk. I completely blew off Jake today. He invited me for a ride on his bike - something I had asked for in the past - and I didn't even look at him much less give him an answer. I wanted to go, I really did. It sounded like fun and I've wanted to get on that bike since I first laid eyes on it. But I couldn't make myself say yes or say anything at all.
It's just that he came up to me in the common room, right in front of all the guys and thanked me for last night! Without being specific about what we did last night. The look on Eric's face when he heard that...god! It was like he knew everything. I know I'm being paranoid. No one else knows about that kiss or my sudden sexual identity crisis, but why did Jake have say something like that and give people the chance to start wondering about it? That's how rumors get started and the last thing I need is my father hearing rumors about me.
I'm not even sure which would be worse - the guys thinking I'm gay or what my father would do if he thought I was 'tarnishing' his sterling reputation by becoming the subject of school rumors.
Rumors that may end up being true.
When Jake asked me to go for a ride, my first thought was that a motorcycle ride would be so cool. But then I thought about where I would be sitting and I panicked. Sitting behind him...close behind him...holding on. At that moment, with all the guys sitting there...it was a bad idea to say yes.
Right now, I'm thinking it might have been a good idea after all. We could have gotten away from the school and all the extra pairs of eyes and the required physical closeness of the ride would have given me a chance to see what touching him felt like again. Touching him without the pressure of it being considered "unnecessary touching" anyway - like a secret experiment or something. I could see how I felt and maybe get a better idea of what I really want here.
When Jake kissed me, it was about how he felt. He kissed me - he was in control of that moment. On the bike, I could control how much contact was made - he'd be busy driving. Then I could see if my skin heats up and my heart starts to race again.
Oh, hell...who am I kidding? I'm just thinking about touching him and my heart's pounding! So how exactly does one tell his parents that their only son is gay?
End Part 2
