Saturday, July 29, 2000

I know that sooner or later, I should apologize to Jake for acting like jerk yesterday, but for now, I'm avoiding it and him. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say. How do I apologize without getting into WHY I acted the way I did? I mean, saying "I'm sorry I acted like an ass, but you made me look gay" will probably lead to a conversation that I'm not ready to have. I'm just not ready to talk to Jake about this. Talking to Jake about my feelings means accepting those feelings when all I really want to do it forget. I CAN'T forget and I haven't been able to make them go away, but I really wish I could.

For now, though, it's the weekend again. I don't have classes or crew, so I can just hide out here at home again and avoid Jake. Now, if only I could mentally erase the hurt look on his face from yesterday...I'd be all set. Yeah, right.

Sunday, July 30, 2000

Mom was starting to wonder what was up today. This was two weekends in a row that I stayed at home instead of doing my usual disappear-until-dinner act. It was enough for her to suspect something was up and start asking questions. To avoid her (I'm doing a lot of avoiding these days) and having to lie to her, I took my camera and headed for the lake. I haven't taken many pictures lately and I can usually count on that to occupy my mind.

That is, as long as what's bothering me doesn't appear in my viewfinder.

As luck would have it, I was taking shots of the sun reflecting off the water when I noticed Jake in the background. He was sitting under a tree with his knees pulled up to his chest like a little kid. My first thought was to leave, but I couldn't stop staring at him. I even snapped a few shots. It was obvious that he hadn't seen me yet and I liked the idea of being able to study him without anyone else around. He looked so small and sad. I would love to know what he was thinking about, but again, that would require discussing feelings and I couldn't do that. The whole time I watched him, he never moved. Those intense eyes of his just stared out across the water, something I've done myself many, many times.

Watching him made me feel guilty again. Was I the reason he was sitting there all alone? Had I hurt him that much? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about MY feelings. I never really stopped to consider how Jake was feeling. Is he just as confused by all this as I am? Maybe this is all new to him, too and he's not dealing with it any better than I am. He has to feel rejected, too. He put himself out there and took a chance by kissing me and I threatened to hit him. That's more than your average rejection. Another wave of guilt hit me and I decided it was time to apologize for the other day.

I had no idea what I was going to say, but I finally made myself walk over and say hi. He barely acknowledged my presence. I sat down next to him and he made a sarcastic remark about me talking to him now. I guess I deserved at least that much. I said I was sorry for acting like a jerk and prayed he wouldn't want to discuss it further.

Someone must have been listening, because Jake didn't pursue it. We sat in silence for several minutes before he pointed to my camera and asked about what I had been doing. I was so relieved. Plus it was nice to talk photography with someone for a change. Guys around here could generally care less about my pictures.

We sat and talked for a long time, just the two of us. It was nice, but I think we both knew there were serious issues that were being avoided. The one thing we really need to talk about is the one thing I can't even say...us.

Monday, July 31, 2000

Today was pretty normal. We got through the day without anything major happening, but as I sit here tonight I realize that the more I try to "act normal" around Jake, the more I find myself thinking about him. There is just so much about him that I can't explain or don't understand. And as much as I want to know and learn more about him, I'm afraid to because of what I may learn about myself.

Tuesday, August 1, 2000

Jake seems to be doing all the work in keeping our friendship. He's been really careful about everything that comes out of his mouth and every move he makes when I'm around. I think he thinks that I don't know he's doing this, but I do. He's trying so hard to respect my feelings and while I appreciate that, it makes me feel like a coward.

I really need to find someone to take my mind off of Jake. Like some girl I could flirt with and see what happens. Maybe a girlfriend is exactly what I need right now. Now I just need to find the girl...

Wednesday, August 2, 2000

Jake seemed really distracted today. Something was very obviously bothering him. His body was at Rawley Academy, but his mind was definitely somewhere else. I wanted to talk to him, but I chickened out. It's been good having some sort of "normal" between us for the last few days. I didn't want to ruin that by asking him what was wrong. How's that for being a complete coward?

It's not that I don't care, either. In fact, that's exactly the problem. I care too much. It bothers me to see Jake upset. Just how much it bothers me is scary, it reminds me that I think and feel things about Jake that I shouldn't.

Thursday, August 3, 2000

You know that saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Well, I should have remembered that when I wished for a girl to flirt with. I got one all right...and boy did that plan backfire!

I was in the courtyard today when Mom saw me asked if I could escort a new girl back to the girl's campus. As the Dean's son, giving tours and being an escort are occupational hazards. But I know better than to refuse and she was pretty cute, so I thought this was my big opportunity to prove something to myself.

When Lena said she liked movies, I saw the chance to ask her out and jumped at it. But before she could even give me an answer, Jake showed up and Lena practically jumped on HIM! She said Jake looked like her old boyfriend and I made a total ass out of myself by saying that people thought Jake and I looked alike. Talk about looking pathetic and desperate! Then Lena goes and invites him on OUR date. My perfect chance to prove I'm not gay is going down in flames...fast. I got her out of there right away, but the damage is already done. The three of us are going to the movies tomorrow night and all Lena could talk about on the way to the other campus was Jake. Great, just great.

As it turned out, I wasn't finished being humiliated for the day either. I went to the dorms after I left Lena. I was hanging out in the common room when Ryder shows up with a video camera and starts harassing people. For the life of me, I can't figure out what his major malfunction is. He's been a jerk from the moment he set foot here and no one is safe when he's around.

He started picking on Harry and Will and I had just had enough. My bad day wasn't getting any better and I was sick of watching Ryder pick on people. Choosing that moment to stand up to him, I made a comment about the camera being school property. Note to self, next time you stand up to a bully, don't say something quite so stupid and lame!

Ryder of course, shot back and proceeded to inform the entire room (and by extension, the entire school) that I am a virgin. Being a virgin isn't bad enough, now everyone knows that I am. Life just keeps getting better and better...

Saturday, August 5, 2000

What a disaster! The movie tonight was about as far from what I wanted when I asked Lena out as it could get. Not only did Lena ignore me all night in favor of drooling over Jake, she had the nerve to ask me to help her hook up with him!

My big plan to prove my manhood failed miserably and worst of all, I have to admit that I was jealous. Jealous that Lena wasn't flirting with me, jealous that she was flirting with Jake and jealous because Jake didn't stop her.

Lena said she liked Jake because he was hard to read. I've thought the same exact thing a hundred times or more, but I hated hearing it come from her. The idea of Jake and Lena together doesn't sit well with me, at all. But is it because I want Lena for myself...or because I want JAKE for myself.

Thank God Lena goes back to L.A. soon. This extra confusion is the last thing I need right now.

Sunday, August 6, 2000

Can I just put Lena on the plane myself? Please! Last night wasn't bad enough...noooo...she had to come to the house today and ask me again to help her hook up with Jake. She wanted to know why I thought her and Jake together was a bad idea. Like I was going to answer that question! "Yeah, Lena, I don't want you to like Jake because you were supposed to help me prove I wasn't gay" or "I don't want you to like Jake because I like Jake and I don't want you to have him." Which one sounds better?

Monday, August 7, 2000

I give up. I just give up. This summer was supposed to be great and it's been anything but that.

Knowing Lena was leaving today, I tried to be a "good loser" when I saw Jake in the courtyard. I told him that Lena liked him, not me. Then Jake started talking about chemistry. How some people just click and you can't control it, they just do. I started to wonder if he was referring to Lena or me. I tried asking him if he even liked her, but that confused things more. Giving up and wanting out of the conversation, I told him to go for it - I was cool with whatever happens. I'm anything BUT cool with it, but hey, that's another one of those things I don't want to face right now. Besides, she was leaving, right? On her way to the airport, as in not around until fall, right? I could be gracious and tell him to go for it, knowing full well she wouldn't be here.

Turns out, things moved faster than I thought they would. Not more than an hour after my conversation with Jake, I'm in the dorm. Headed for Jake's room, in fact, when I hear all sorts of hooting and hollering. I asked what was going on never expecting the answer I would get.

"Jake had that hot Cali chick in his room."

I was not ready for that, not ready at all.

Jake tried to tell me that it wasn't what it looked like, but the incredibly guilty look on his face told me that it was exactly what it looked like. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest and couldn't breathe. I needed to get out of there. As soon as I was out of the dorm, I grabbed my bike and rode like hell. I needed to be alone.

So Jake is not gay and Jake is with Lena. Where does that leave me? I have no idea. The guy who KISSED me and made me think I might be gay is now involved with a girl. But I still have a lot of unresolved feelings for that guy and I'm more confused than ever.

Someone tell me again why I didn't wait for the fall semester to start school?