Tuesday, August 8, 2000

The last two days I've spent a long time sitting in the woods thinking about everything that has happened this summer. And I still don't have any answers. In order to get answers, I need Jake. I need to talk to him, openly and honestly about his feelings and mine. The problem is that I just can't seem to make myself do that. I haven't found the courage to say these things aloud. Once I say them, I can't take them back. I know I should, none of this confusion is going to go away until I do, but I still can't find the nerve to do it. I hate feeling like such a coward.

It isn't as easy as just accepting that I'm gay. Even if I accept the feelings I have for Jake, it's still confusing because there isn't a single other guy that makes me feel this way. If I truly were gay, shouldn't I at least think other guys were at least attractive? And what about this thing with Lena? If Jake is with Lena now, can I even still assume that he's gay and attracted to me? Hell, they were in his room alone! What guy has a girl alone in his room if he's gay?

But this is getting tiring and I'm going to have to find the nerve soon. I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night. I'm tired of watching everything I say, think and do. I'm tired of the white elephant in the room every time I'm alone with Jake.

Today, for once, I let myself think freely. Instead of forcing Jake from my thoughts, I let my mind wander. It went straight to Jake. I thought about his eyes, his lips, his hands and what he looks like when he's not buried under 10 layers of clothes. I thought about why he wears so many clothes. Is he insecure about his looks? That doesn't seem like Jake, though, because he's normally so confident and doesn't seem to give a damn what other people think. Two things I happen to like very much about Jake. What does he think about late at night? Is he thinking about me when I'm staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, because I'm thinking about him? Does my face invade his dreams, like his does mine? Will we ever kiss again? Will we ever take the chance and find out what exactly this "chemistry" is between us? If we did kiss again and I liked it, what would happen next?

If I wanted to kiss Jake again, how would I? And when? Do I just walk into his room and kiss him? Or should we talk about things first? Should I plan for it or just go with the moment should the right moment come along? When exactly is the "right moment," anyway? I can't deny that the idea of touching or kissing Jake again turns me on. I just can't seem to make myself act on it.

So until I can, decided to just sit back, do nothing and let Jake and Lena be together.

Wednesday, August 9, 2000

I know I said I was going to be cool with this Lena/Jake thing, but it just isn't working.

First of all, Lena didn't go back to LA. She decided that she liked it here and wanted to stay for the rest of the summer. Instead of going back home and coming back in the fall, she canceled her flight and asked her parents to send her things out. I wonder how much of her decision was based on the school and how much was based on Jake?

Second, it doesn't help that I can't tell if they are even really together. I mean, Lena fawns all over Jake, but Jake doesn't seem to respond. Take today in class, Lena was sitting next to Jake, but it wasn't like they were together. Not like Scout and Paige, anyway. Scout was practically inside her shirt! It was REAL obvious that they were together. Anyway, Finn gets Jake on the hot seat by asking him if he's had a crush lately. Talk about a loaded question! Jake tells him "maybe" while looking right at me, not Lena. Then Finn asks him what song "makes him feel" and to recite the lyrics. Now the whole time he's doing this, he's looking at me, and one of the lines was about not being able to walk away. He never once looked at Lena until she cut in with the last line.

The summer cotillion is coming up and I have to go - Dad's orders. I wish I had a date, especially if Jake will be taking Lena. With a date, I wouldn't feel like such a complete loser and maybe that would help keep my mind off seeing Lena and Jake together all night. I hate that intense wave of jealousy that hits whenever I see them together.

Thursday, August 10, 2000

How do I get myself into these messes? I was sure that Jake would be taking Lena to the dance tomorrow. So imagine my surprise when today after practice, Jake tells me he's going "solo." I was still trying to process this new information and it's possible implications - while still trying to sound cool - when Jake suggests that we go together. Imagine my greater surprise when I heard myself agree - only to have Jake then refer to it as a date!

A date? How the hell am I supposed to do this? I can't go on a date with Jake! Even if he didn't mean it in the romantic sense - and I'm not sure he didn't - I just can't do it. Jake and I together, at a dance, I don't think I can handle it. I've been to these things before, sure there's dancing, but there is also a lot of flirting, hugging and kissing going on, too. What if Jake gets carried away and does something? Or worse, what if I WANT Jake to do something?

I have to find a way out of this mess.

Friday, August 11, 2000

For once, my prayers were heard! Lena asked ME to the cotillion today. I was so relieved to have a way out of my date with Jake I totally overlooked the fact that she asked me if I was taking Jake. Of course, Jake showed up mid-conversation. I could tell he was hurt by my change in plans, but I was so happy to have a female kind of date for tonight, I didn't care. I feel guilty about that now, but then...I was only thinking about myself.

Jake's not even going now. When I asked him if he decided to ask anyone, he said he was going to skip the whole thing. Then he said the only person he had his eye on was going with someone else. Was he referring to me? And what happened between him and Lena? Did they have some kind of a fight already?

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really need to find the courage to talk to Jake, but first, I need to get through this dance...

There was a time when I thought that going to a cotillion - as a student with a date instead of as the Dean's kid - would be a fun thing. The moment is finally here and I'm dreading the whole thing. My first summer at Rawley has been like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.

Friday, August 11, 2000

JAKE IS A GIRL!

Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. I keep saying it over and over and over, but I still can't believe it.

Jake, my friend and fellow student here at Rawley Academy for BOYS, is really a girl. Tits and all.

He...SHE...has been lying to me since day one. I've been going out of my mind thinking that I'm gay because I'm attracted to Jake - who I think is a guy. I finally work up the nerve to do something about that and HE tells me he's a SHE!

I am so mad right now I can hardly see straight.

Why? How? Why? Why is she even here and not at Rawley Girls? Why not tell me from the beginning? I'm not a narc. I would have at least listened to her story. And why didn't she tell me after she kissed me on the roof that day? She could have spared me weeks of self-torture. Couldn't she tell how much that bothered me? Why wait until I kiss Jake to finally tell me the truth?

Yeah, can't forget about that part. I finally worked up the nerve to kiss Jake tonight.

When Jake showed up at the cotillion tonight after all, Lena told me it was obvious that Jake and I were in love - with each other. She also told me to follow my heart, throw caution to the wind and go be with Jake. She used every cliché in the book, but still, hearing someone ELSE say out loud that I was in love with Jake was enough to cause a major anxiety attack. Instead of going to Jake - I ran the other way.

Safely in another room, I got mad at myself for being such a coward. Again. So when Jake found me a little while later and said he needed to talk to me...I said I needed to talk to him, too. The worst thing happened in the next moment. Jake was saying something and I was so focused on his lips that I started leaning into them. I realized I was about to kiss him! Right there, in the middle of the dance, I was about to kiss Jake! Naturally, I freaked again, told him I couldn't do this and walked away. Once again feeling like a coward for not being able to deal with my own feelings.

Then the most amazing thing happened. I decided to go after Jake. To once and for all, find out if there really was something more between us. I finally had the nerve to face the fact that I might be gay and in love with another guy. I followed him to the bathroom and before he could object...I kissed him.

Yep, I kissed Jake. Jake kissed me back. It was amazing. Every cell in my body felt that kiss. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I even said the "g" word out loud. But then Jake jumped in with a "g" word of his own and my world went spinning out of control once again.

I was standing there thinking that there's no doubt left that we're gay when Jake tells me it's not what I think. How could it not be what I was thinking? We kissed and it was awesome. Then I hear "I'm a girl."

WHAT?

I'm standing there like a complete idiot, so confused I'm not even sure of my own name anymore, when Jake starts unbuttoning his shirt and babbling about nail polish and bikinis. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a very nicely filled out black bra!

Which brings me back to - Jake is a girl. And has been all along.

I should be happy. If Jake is a girl then I'm not gay, right? But I'm not happy. I thought Jake was a guy and I kissed him anyway. I thought Jake was my best friend and he's been lying to me in a huge way. Jake is a girl.

Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl.

I can say that all night and I doubt I'll believe it. Or understand it. Or be anything less than furious. Why, Jake? Why?

Saturday, August 12, 2000

I didn't sleep at all last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Jake in that black bra. The sight of a girl in her bra should be the stuff that dreams are made of, but for me this is a nightmare.

How did I miss this? How could I NOT see that Jake was a girl? The signs were certainly there, but how did I miss them?

And why! Why is she here? What possible reason could a girl have for enrolling at Rawley Boys? I mean this isn't the Citadel, we do have a girls school and co-ed classes. Why on earth come to an all boys school?

Why lie to me? Even if Jake didn't know me well enough to trust me at first, getting his...HER... motorcycle back should have proved that I could be trusted. I could have gone to my father with that, but I didn't. No...I even helped get the thing back from the Grounds Shop.

And how? How has she managed to not get caught, yet? I know I was fooled, but I don't live there. The guys in the dorm all use the same bathrooms and showers. How has she been showering without getting caught?

Does she have any idea how much trouble she's going to be in if my father finds out? My god! He'll blow a gasket, especially if word gets out. The school's rep will take a serious hit for this...I can see it now...veins will explode. A GIRL managed to infiltrate his precious Rawley Academy and tarnish it's sterling reputation. If I didn't have an emotional stake in this, it would be freaking hilarious.

But there is nothing funny about how I feel right now. Hurt, betrayed, confused...those don't even begin to cover it.

I just don't understand.

Sunday, August 13, 2000

I can't decide whether to be more hurt, angry or confused.

I'm hurt because my so-called best friend lied to me, in the biggest way I can imagine.

I'm angry because Jake knew I was having trouble dealing with the whole "kiss" incident and she just let me go on thinking she was a guy and I was gay. I think I'd still be angry to learn that Jake is a girl, but I'd be a whole lot LESS angry if I'd found out sooner.

And I'm still unbelievably confused as to why the hell she's doing all this in the first place!

It pisses me off that I can't stop thinking about the kiss, either. If I thought the quick little kiss on the roof was good - the one Friday was incredible. It was totally electric. I was ready to admit that I was gay after that kiss. But I don't know if I can forgive Jake for lying to me. In every way, over and over, she lied to me. How am I supposed to forget about that?

But if I WERE able to forget about it...would we be able to be together? I mean, the whole school thinks she's a guy. How would we work out being together? If we did...I could kiss her again and as mad as I am, the idea of kissing Jake still turns me on. Maybe this time, the kiss wouldn't lead to mass confusion or a sexual identity crisis. Then again, girls are just plain confusing - I've been watching the Rawley Princesses for years and still don't get them - so god only knows what might happen if we kissed again!!

I guess more than anything I need to hear why. I NEED to know why. I doubt I'll have a sane moment until I hear an explanation. As hard as I try to find a reason for this, I just can't. I can't even begin to imagine what brought her here. The only person who can help me understand is Jake.

And to do that, I have to stop hiding and talk to her.

Monday, August 14, 2000

I must really be crazy about Jake. There is no way I could forgive her so quickly if these feelings weren't for real.

Drastic change from last night, huh?

Well, I went to see her this morning before school. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I hadn't slept all weekend and I just wanted it all to be OVER. But then I got there and saw her. REALLY saw her. For the first time, Jake wasn't buried under layers of clothes. Jake was wearing boxers and a tank top. Jake had soft curves and long legs. Jake looked as tired and vulnerable as I felt. Standing close to her, I could smell that wonderful scent that I loved all along. I wanted to touch her, feel her and know that it was ok to enjoy it. I made one last, feeble attempt at macho before I gave up and kissed her again.

Can you say freaking amazing? It was such a relief to be with Jake and not have the little voice inside my head screaming; "it's wrong for you to like him." Once we started, I couldn't get enough of her. Even my overwhelming desire for an explanation took a backseat to non-verbal communication. So much so, we ended up late for class. I wanted to so much to go back to her room and continue, but classes, Will, Scout and my mother all got in the way. I didn't even get to kiss her goodnight. I can't wait to get her alone again.

I did find out a few things though. Her Mom is some famous actress who treats her more like a stage prop than a daughter. I remembered that she told me about waiting for someone to notice that she'd changed schools 6 times. Apparently, coming to Rawley Boys was supposed to up the ante and ensure that her mother would notice, but it didn't work. She said she was going to leave, but couldn't because of me.

As angry as I am about her lying, when she said she couldn't leave because of the way she felt about me, I felt so good. It was such a rush to know someone actually wanted me as much as I wanted her.

I think I'm finally going to have some good dreams tonight.