Tuesday, August 15, 2000
I couldn't wait to see Jake this morning. She was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep and the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. I skipped working out and headed straight for Jake's room. We didn't get the chance to be alone last night and I couldn't wait to kiss her again. I could definitely get used to kissing Jake every morning. Make that every morning, every afternoon and every night.
We spent some time making up for last night's interruptions and then went to breakfast before class. Coming out of the Dining Hall, we saw Rob and Mike hanging banners for Parent's Weekend. Jake's mood changed instantly. I asked if her Mom was coming and she said she hadn't talked to her mother in weeks. Ouch. I can't imagine not talking to my mom for any length of time. I may not talk to her like we used to, but she's at home every night and I know that if I wanted to talk - she would drop everything. Jake thought her mom didn't know about Parent's Weekend since she hadn't told her about it. When I told Jake that invitations are sent out to all Rawley parents, she flipped and ran back to her room to call home. She didn't get to class until after Finn had started and I could tell that she wasn't happy.
I really wanted to talk to her alone, but again, we never got the chance. There were too many people around during the day and once classes and practice were over, dad had me working on his "The-Parents-Are-Coming! The-Parents-Are-Coming!" project list. I've always hated the week between the Cotillion and Parent's Weekend because dad generally freaks out all week and then disappears all weekend. He also manages to find a million extra things for me to do. Like he doesn't have an entire staff at his disposal! It's annoying to have to do all this work for other people's parents and then hardly see mine for 3 days. This week I'm particularly annoyed since it's cutting into my time with Jake.
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
I was in the library today doing yet another of Dad's little projects when I saw Jake outside on the lawn talking to some of the guys from the dorm. It was weird to see her like that. She was just laughing and talking, but it was really freaky for me. I know that Jake is a girl, but she just LOOKED so much like a guy. It brought back all of the gay issues. I fell for Jake when I thought Jake was a guy. Yes, she was really a girl at the time, but I didn't know that until a few days ago. And Jake LOOKS like a guy all the time, but I'm still attracted to her. I think about Jake all the time. Even though she's not really a guy, doesn't it say something about me that I'm attracted to someone who looks and acts like a guy?
It was more than a little disconcerting and now I'm even more ticked off that we didn't get any time alone again tonight. I really need to be with her. I need to touch her, kiss her, and hear her giggle or whisper in my ear and just generally reassure myself that she is really a girl.
Thursday, August 17, 2000
What a mess! Jake's mom has decided to come for Parent's Weekend after all, but she's coming to Rawley Girls. Obviously, Jake doesn't go to Rawley Girls, and if she gets caught at Rawley Boys, she's gone. Dad will throw her out so fast, I wouldn't even have time to say goodbye. So now we have a big problem on our hands. How to get Jake through this weekend without getting caught? We've got to let her mom think Jake goes to Rawley girls and at the same time, keep them both far away from as many other people as possible - especially my parents. The little bit of time we had together tonight was spent trying to figure out how to do this and not get caught. It really pisses me off because Jake said something earlier that I can't get out of my mind. She said she needed to shave her legs. That got me to thinking about what she looked like Monday morning in boxers and a tank top. I haven't seen her like that since and we've had very little time alone this week. I'm in withdrawal or something. I need a Jake fix. I need a nice long time to be alone with her in her room. I need to see her in boxers and a tank top again. Better yet, that black bra from the night of the cotillion. As I recall, she filled that out rather nicely. Maybe this time I could enjoy the moment instead of feeling like I'd just been hit by a truck.
It also got me thinking about what she looked like before she came to Rawley. I hadn't thought about it before, but I have no idea what she looked like. I can't form a mental picture of her as a real girl, like in a dress or with her hair done and wearing makeup. Hell...I don't even know if she did those things before she came here. Maybe she was never into being feminine and that's why it was so easy for her to fool us all. I've been so caught up in the "now" of all this, I forget about the rest of the world and everything else.
I can't really imagine Jake as the cheerleader/prom queen type, but I'd like to think that she'd dress up given the chance. That doesn't mean I don't like her tomboy side. I love having her as my best friend, too. I love the fact that she's totally into video games, sports, motorcycles and all that, it's just so confusing sometimes. It seriously messes with my head when I'm kissing her and she's dressed as a guy. I know she's a girl, I just wish she could LOOK more like a girl in those moments. God, it sounds like I'm complaining and I'm not. I've got the best of both worlds in Jake - a best friend and a girlfriend all in one. A girlfriend who has a single room that my parents don't know about. I just wish I didn't question my sexuality every time I kissed her.
Anyway, if Jake can keep her Mom away from campus like we planned, we should get through this just fine. Her Mom isn't coming until Saturday, so we only have to get through 2 days and then we can FINALLY spend some time alone. Actually, since most of the other parents will get here tomorrow, Mom and Dad will be occupied with them. We might just get to be alone...I wonder if I could talk her into showing me that bra again?
Friday, August 18, 2000
For once, my wish came true!
Jake went shopping in town today and guess what she bought? Dresses! Thank god for dresses!
I was so nervous waiting for her to change. I had hoped for that moment, but I didn't really know what to expect and I was worried that if I reacted the wrong way, I would hurt her feelings. She looked terrific, though and I finally got to spend time making out with my girlfriend without worrying about being gay. It was such a relief and totally amazing. I enjoyed this afternoon SO much! It was just incredible to kiss her and hold her without all of the layers she usually wears being in the way. When I put my hands on her waist, there were actual curves there - not a sweatshirt, t-shirt, belt and baggy jeans. I could put my hand on her shoulder and actually feel her skin. And I just about lost it when she pressed up against me and I could feel her chest against mine. I still had wood when I got home and just thinking about her in that dress is making me horny all over again.
Saturday, August 19, 2000
One down, one to go. We made it through the day without getting caught, but tomorrow is going to be a lot harder. Jake's Mom reminded us that there is a luncheon at Rawley Girls tomorrow. It just happens to be at the same time as the first heat of the Regatta! It never even occurred to me to check the schedule of events for Rawley Girls, since the goal was to keep Jake's Mom AWAY from campus. We're going to have to do a lot of running around tomorrow to pull this off. I think we can do it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Jake is the most amazing thing that's happened to me and I don't want to lose her.
I was supposed to stay away from Jake and her Mom today, but curiosity got the better of me and I was watching from the garden when she arrived. I couldn't help it. Jake still hasn't really explained what went on between her and her mother to make her come here as a boy. So I don't understand their relationship and I was really curious to see what her Mom was like.
It's a good thing I was there. It hadn't even been 5 minutes and her Mom was headed right for the girl's dorm. Not what we had planned at all! I jumped in and told her Mom that my Dad wanted me to give her a personal tour. She seemed to like that and I made sure we stayed off the beaten path. I more confused now, though. Her Mom seems really nice. She talked about herself a lot and got a bunch of phone calls, but she seemed interested in the school, what Jake was doing and even me. When she found out I was into photography, she offered to show my pictures to Peter Beard! Peter Beard....that's like a dream come true. So, I totally don't get why Jake is here. I had her Mom pegged as some "Mommie Dearest" type prima donna. She didn't seem like that at all. Jake and I need to have a long talk as soon as all this is over. Assuming of course, that we don't blow it and get caught.
I did learn something interesting, though. Jake's real name is Jacqueline. It took me by surprise when she corrected me. I can't believe I didn't think to ask about her name. I really have to work on thinking beyond "whew, Jake is a girl."
Jacqueline. Jacqueline Pratt.
I like it.
Sunday, August 20, 2000
We made it! We pulled it off and got through the weekend without getting caught. I am so relieved! We even won the Regatta. Dad is pretty happy right now and didn't even notice how late I came home tonight. After Jake's Mom left, we finally got to sit down and talk about everything. We had so many things to talk about - her, her mom, sex, us, the rest of the school...
I guess I understand her reason for coming here better, but still not completely. She said her Mom ignores her and always has. Like motherhood was just another role and she got tired of it when it got in the way of her career and having a good time. I can sort of relate to that part since Dad has a long history of putting the school and his career before everything else, including me. No, let's make that, ESPECIALLY me. But Mom and I have always been close, so I don't have complete sense of abandonment that Jake has.
Jake wanted to come here and make her mom take notice. Force her to realize that she didn't know her daughter at all. Force her into fixing their relationship. Even though things didn't work out like Jake initially planned, Monica did notice some things. She admitted that she really didn't know what was going on in Jake's life, but then they didn't talk about that or make any plans to change it. Her Mom left and things don't seem to be any different than before. So I don't get it. I don't see how any of this is going to help their relationship. Jake was lying to her all weekend and she didn't even realize it. As much as I want Jake to have a better relationship with her mother - it's a double-edged sword. If her mother gets more involved with her life, she's bound to find out about Rawley Boys and then Jake will have to leave. Not something I want at all. Jake may have turned my life upside down this summer, but right now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Then she brought up sex. Even though we didn't tell her about us, her Mom figured out right away that we are together and started asking about our relationship, including whether we were having sex, yet. Needless to say - Jake freaked. Our relationship is still so new, not to mention unusual, and we hadn't even talked about having sex, yet. Well, sex with each other, that is. There is still that oh-so-embarrassing conversation we were having when Jake kissed me on the roof. But sex with each other? No. We're still getting used to being able to kiss each other and enjoy it. Sex is like...so much farther down the road. But we did agree that when it happens, it happens and we shouldn't try to rush it. Have I thought about having sex with Jake? Only like a hundred times a day, but are Jake and I going to have sex anytime soon? I doubt it.
I was kinda happy when she said she was a virgin, too. I'm not sure if I could handle it if she had and I hadn't. It's already a bit intimidating that she rides a motorcycle, lives in New York, has traveled the world and can hack into NASA. If she were more sexually experienced than I am, it might be more than my ego could handle. I like knowing that it would be new for both of us. Of course, then I slipped and told Jake I was a virgin, too. So much for trying to be a stud. Naturally, I tried to act all cool and cover up by saying I'd come close, but the truth is that I haven't and I think she saw right through me. I guess it's okay. Hell, thanks to Ryder, Jake was probably the only person on campus that DIDN'T already know. But still, I would have liked to tell her that in a different situation. Not while racing across the lake trying to get to practice on time.
We also talked about how much more careful we need to be. We've been so wrapped up in Jake's situation and our feelings for each other that we both kinda forgot to look around the school and see what the OTHER guys were seeing. Calhoun made that real obvious by calling us as "lovebirds" in front of the crew team today. I can just imagine what Ryder would do if he got it into his head that Jake and I were together. God help us, the rumor mill would go into overdrive! And if Dad hears that I'm in a relationship with a male student, he'll freak out and start asking a LOT of questions. I'm sure he'd find out the truth and we'd be in a world of hurt. Jake has been able to fool the entire school administration and he won't take kindly to that at all. His son being gay would be one thing, but making him look foolish in front of the school board - look out.
All in all, it was another long, exhausting and emotionally draining weekend. I am so tired. I'd give anything for a few normal days. One good thing about this weekend, though, is that now Jake has 2 dresses hidden in her room. Dresses I hope to see again very soon. I'm not really into pink, but right now, the more feminine - the better I like it. I'm going to go to sleep now and dream about Jake in a dress...or out of a dress. Grrr...
