Monday, August 21, 2000
I've been going through pictures all night. I'm supposed to be putting together my stuff to send to Jake's Mom, but that didn't get done. I can't decide what to send and then I found the pictures I took of Jake on her motorcycle that first day. It's only been a few weeks and yet, it seems like ages ago. So much has happened this summer. Who knew that one little picture could launch a sexual identity crisis like that? I keep looking at those pictures. They are the only ones I have of Jake. As a photographer, you'd think I'd have more pictures of my own girlfriend. I have about 600 pictures of New Rawley Lake, but only 3 of my girlfriend. Then again, my girlfriend is dressed like my boyfriend in those pictures.... I'll have to get Jake to let me take pictures of her dressed as a girl sometime. It would be nice to have real photographs - not just mental ones - of those rare and wonderful moments.
I'm still stuck on what to send though. I have no idea what kind of pictures she had in mind. Landscapes? People? Action shots? I don't know. I've never shown my stuff to anyone else before and I don't have a clue how to choose pictures for someone else.
I'm also having second thoughts about sending them at all. As incredible as it is to get the chance to have Peter Beard look at my pictures, it's also terrifying. What if he hates them? What if he says I have no talent as a photographer? My career would be over before it even began.
Just what I needed this summer...more stress!
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
Jake and I have been talking about what to do about the other guys. We really need to make sure they don't suspect anything, so we decided to try and hang out with other people more often. If we aren't always seen alone, it might help keep the rumors down.
That means even MORE sneaking around to get time alone, but if word gets out and she gets caught - we won't have ANY alone time.
I have to wonder what Dad would do though - IF he found out. As the Dean, I know he'd be furious and out for blood. But would he consider MY feelings at all? Would the fact that I'd be completely miserable without Jake have any impact on him or his decision? It would really be a test of how much I mean to him versus how much the school means to him. I don't really want to take that test. I'm pretty sure I'd lose to the school yet again. I guess can understand WHY he'd have to expel Jake - I just don't think I could forgive him for it.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Jake and I were both distracted all day today. We weren't fighting or anything - there's nothing to fight about - we just had other things on our minds. Jake didn't tell me what she was thinking about, but I was thinking about pictures.
I finally picked some pictures and sent them to Jake's Mom. I gave up trying to figure of what THEY would like and just sent MY favorites. I had half a mind to send a picture of Jake the boy in the batch - just to see if her Mom would notice, but I didn't. It's not my place and if her Mom DID notice...all hell might break loose.
I have no idea how long it will be before I hear something from either Monica or Peter Beard. I can only hope that it's soon and he likes the pictures. I can't handle thinking about what I'm going to do if he doesn't like them.
Thursday, August 24, 2000
Jake went shopping again today, but wouldn't let me come with her. I was totally bummed. I'm not into shopping, but getting away from school sounded like a great idea and I was hoping she was going shopping for more girl clothes. More dresses would make a day of shopping totally worth it. I liked Jake in a dress. It's only been 4 days since I saw her dressed up, but it feels like a VERY LONG four days. I didn't even get to see her tonight. She still hadn't come back before I headed into the darkroom.
Friday, August 25, 2000
Ice cream and Jake. Two of my favorite things and I got both tonight. It's been a good night.
Jake and I stopped by the diner for ice cream while Will and Scout were working. Since the place was pretty empty, it was cool to just hang out and talk to them while they worked. Something funky is going on with Calhoun though, I'm just not sure what. I think it involves Bella from the gas station, but I'm not sure. Maybe he's got a crush on her and doesn't know what to do about it. Should I pass on Lena's "throw caution to the wind" advice? Yeah, right. Of course, I don't think things between Scout and Bella could be anywhere near as weird as they are between Jake and I. I think we have the lock on weirdness right now.
After the ice cream, we went back to her room for dessert. The only thing better than ice cream is kissing Jake.
Saturday, August 26, 2000
I told Jake I loved her today. I didn't plan it. I didn't rehearse it. I didn't think about it before I said it. I didn't even know I was going to say it until the words were out of my mouth. But once they were, I realized that I meant them. Jake is everything to me and even though this wonderful, romantic moment came after a day of frustration and confusion - I wouldn't trade any single second of it if it meant changing that part.
What prompted this startling revelation? Our First Date. Yep, we actually went out on a real date today...and what a disaster it was! I tried to be the manly man and Jake was in militant feminist mode.
The day started off well enough. Jake came to the gym with me this morning and it was nice to have company - especially Jake's company. Later we were in her room talking about what Will and Scout must be thinking about us and she tells me "you know you like boys, that's why you like me." TALK ABOUT HITTING BELOW THE BELT! Like I hadn't already run that idea through my mind a few thousand times. It bothers me like crazy that I get turned on when I'm with Jake and she'd dressed like a guy. When she's wearing jeans, layers of T-shirts, and a corset so there isn't a curve in sight and yet, I'm turned on. I'm still scared that one of these days I'm going to find a real guy that does this to me.
Than Jake suggests we go on a date. A real one. She'll even wear a dress and these sexy slip on-high heels. Hell yes, I was up for that! Like I would ever turn down the chance to be with Jake the girl - being out in public was just a bonus. Of course, we had to have a little run in with Ryder first and now Ryder knows Jake has a motorcycle. I'm not sure how much damage control we'll need to do there.
Jake totally surprised me when we stopped for her to change. She came out in this tight, short tank top dress with those heels! WOW! Long legs and curves everywhere - I was in heaven. For once, things felt normal. She's the girl. I'm the guy. WE are a normal couple. Instead of an attention-seeking cross-dresser and her pathetic sap of a boyfriend.
I drove to the restaurant and it felt so good to have Jake holding on to me. When we got there, I held her hand and kissed her right there in the parking lot. It was like kissing her for the first time all over again. There were people everywhere and I could kiss my girlfriend. Again, I was in heaven. It was the best feeling. Then we went into the restaurant and everything went south on me.
I was trying to be nice and chivalrous and Jake kept throwing it back in my face. I tried to tell her how hot she looked and she laughed at me. Maybe calling her "foxy" wasn't the best way to do it, but all I wanted to do was let her know how great she looked. It was such a relief for me to be with her out in public and have her BE A GIRL. We didn't have to hide or worry about every move. I was just trying to let her know how much I was enjoying it.
The next thing I knew, we were trading insults instead of enjoying our first chance to be together as a normal couple. Eventually, we got through lunch, but then ran into more problems when the check arrived. I wanted to pay for lunch. It was the first time I had ever taken a girl out without my father "suggesting" it. I wanted to treat her. I wanted her to have a good time and enjoy being herself for a change. I wanted this to be a real date!
Lunch ended with more insults and then Jake almost went into the men's room. Rawley Academy was still with us even though we were more than an hour away from campus. So, we left. Instead of going somewhere else and enjoying our freedom, we headed back for Jake to change. While she was, I couldn't stop thinking about how screwed up things were. I was angry, hurt and more confused than before. Just about then Jake came back out. She made a comment about being a freak or something and I couldn't help but point out that this IS a pretty freaky situation. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings. I was just feeling pretty confused and hurt myself.
She asked me if I still liked her. And that's when it came out. I didn't even realize I had said it until she stopped me. Then, of course, she made me repeat it. The best part was she said she loves me, too. What a rush...she loves me. Five minutes on the dock and 3 words salvaged the whole day.
We ended up at the diner with Will, Scout and Bella. Not touching each other, not able to speak freely, hiding our relationship and Jake's identity from everyone. I guess that's what "normal" is going to be for us. But Jakes love me, so I guess I can deal with that.
I've been going through pictures all night. I'm supposed to be putting together my stuff to send to Jake's Mom, but that didn't get done. I can't decide what to send and then I found the pictures I took of Jake on her motorcycle that first day. It's only been a few weeks and yet, it seems like ages ago. So much has happened this summer. Who knew that one little picture could launch a sexual identity crisis like that? I keep looking at those pictures. They are the only ones I have of Jake. As a photographer, you'd think I'd have more pictures of my own girlfriend. I have about 600 pictures of New Rawley Lake, but only 3 of my girlfriend. Then again, my girlfriend is dressed like my boyfriend in those pictures.... I'll have to get Jake to let me take pictures of her dressed as a girl sometime. It would be nice to have real photographs - not just mental ones - of those rare and wonderful moments.
I'm still stuck on what to send though. I have no idea what kind of pictures she had in mind. Landscapes? People? Action shots? I don't know. I've never shown my stuff to anyone else before and I don't have a clue how to choose pictures for someone else.
I'm also having second thoughts about sending them at all. As incredible as it is to get the chance to have Peter Beard look at my pictures, it's also terrifying. What if he hates them? What if he says I have no talent as a photographer? My career would be over before it even began.
Just what I needed this summer...more stress!
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
Jake and I have been talking about what to do about the other guys. We really need to make sure they don't suspect anything, so we decided to try and hang out with other people more often. If we aren't always seen alone, it might help keep the rumors down.
That means even MORE sneaking around to get time alone, but if word gets out and she gets caught - we won't have ANY alone time.
I have to wonder what Dad would do though - IF he found out. As the Dean, I know he'd be furious and out for blood. But would he consider MY feelings at all? Would the fact that I'd be completely miserable without Jake have any impact on him or his decision? It would really be a test of how much I mean to him versus how much the school means to him. I don't really want to take that test. I'm pretty sure I'd lose to the school yet again. I guess can understand WHY he'd have to expel Jake - I just don't think I could forgive him for it.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Jake and I were both distracted all day today. We weren't fighting or anything - there's nothing to fight about - we just had other things on our minds. Jake didn't tell me what she was thinking about, but I was thinking about pictures.
I finally picked some pictures and sent them to Jake's Mom. I gave up trying to figure of what THEY would like and just sent MY favorites. I had half a mind to send a picture of Jake the boy in the batch - just to see if her Mom would notice, but I didn't. It's not my place and if her Mom DID notice...all hell might break loose.
I have no idea how long it will be before I hear something from either Monica or Peter Beard. I can only hope that it's soon and he likes the pictures. I can't handle thinking about what I'm going to do if he doesn't like them.
Thursday, August 24, 2000
Jake went shopping again today, but wouldn't let me come with her. I was totally bummed. I'm not into shopping, but getting away from school sounded like a great idea and I was hoping she was going shopping for more girl clothes. More dresses would make a day of shopping totally worth it. I liked Jake in a dress. It's only been 4 days since I saw her dressed up, but it feels like a VERY LONG four days. I didn't even get to see her tonight. She still hadn't come back before I headed into the darkroom.
Friday, August 25, 2000
Ice cream and Jake. Two of my favorite things and I got both tonight. It's been a good night.
Jake and I stopped by the diner for ice cream while Will and Scout were working. Since the place was pretty empty, it was cool to just hang out and talk to them while they worked. Something funky is going on with Calhoun though, I'm just not sure what. I think it involves Bella from the gas station, but I'm not sure. Maybe he's got a crush on her and doesn't know what to do about it. Should I pass on Lena's "throw caution to the wind" advice? Yeah, right. Of course, I don't think things between Scout and Bella could be anywhere near as weird as they are between Jake and I. I think we have the lock on weirdness right now.
After the ice cream, we went back to her room for dessert. The only thing better than ice cream is kissing Jake.
Saturday, August 26, 2000
I told Jake I loved her today. I didn't plan it. I didn't rehearse it. I didn't think about it before I said it. I didn't even know I was going to say it until the words were out of my mouth. But once they were, I realized that I meant them. Jake is everything to me and even though this wonderful, romantic moment came after a day of frustration and confusion - I wouldn't trade any single second of it if it meant changing that part.
What prompted this startling revelation? Our First Date. Yep, we actually went out on a real date today...and what a disaster it was! I tried to be the manly man and Jake was in militant feminist mode.
The day started off well enough. Jake came to the gym with me this morning and it was nice to have company - especially Jake's company. Later we were in her room talking about what Will and Scout must be thinking about us and she tells me "you know you like boys, that's why you like me." TALK ABOUT HITTING BELOW THE BELT! Like I hadn't already run that idea through my mind a few thousand times. It bothers me like crazy that I get turned on when I'm with Jake and she'd dressed like a guy. When she's wearing jeans, layers of T-shirts, and a corset so there isn't a curve in sight and yet, I'm turned on. I'm still scared that one of these days I'm going to find a real guy that does this to me.
Than Jake suggests we go on a date. A real one. She'll even wear a dress and these sexy slip on-high heels. Hell yes, I was up for that! Like I would ever turn down the chance to be with Jake the girl - being out in public was just a bonus. Of course, we had to have a little run in with Ryder first and now Ryder knows Jake has a motorcycle. I'm not sure how much damage control we'll need to do there.
Jake totally surprised me when we stopped for her to change. She came out in this tight, short tank top dress with those heels! WOW! Long legs and curves everywhere - I was in heaven. For once, things felt normal. She's the girl. I'm the guy. WE are a normal couple. Instead of an attention-seeking cross-dresser and her pathetic sap of a boyfriend.
I drove to the restaurant and it felt so good to have Jake holding on to me. When we got there, I held her hand and kissed her right there in the parking lot. It was like kissing her for the first time all over again. There were people everywhere and I could kiss my girlfriend. Again, I was in heaven. It was the best feeling. Then we went into the restaurant and everything went south on me.
I was trying to be nice and chivalrous and Jake kept throwing it back in my face. I tried to tell her how hot she looked and she laughed at me. Maybe calling her "foxy" wasn't the best way to do it, but all I wanted to do was let her know how great she looked. It was such a relief for me to be with her out in public and have her BE A GIRL. We didn't have to hide or worry about every move. I was just trying to let her know how much I was enjoying it.
The next thing I knew, we were trading insults instead of enjoying our first chance to be together as a normal couple. Eventually, we got through lunch, but then ran into more problems when the check arrived. I wanted to pay for lunch. It was the first time I had ever taken a girl out without my father "suggesting" it. I wanted to treat her. I wanted her to have a good time and enjoy being herself for a change. I wanted this to be a real date!
Lunch ended with more insults and then Jake almost went into the men's room. Rawley Academy was still with us even though we were more than an hour away from campus. So, we left. Instead of going somewhere else and enjoying our freedom, we headed back for Jake to change. While she was, I couldn't stop thinking about how screwed up things were. I was angry, hurt and more confused than before. Just about then Jake came back out. She made a comment about being a freak or something and I couldn't help but point out that this IS a pretty freaky situation. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings. I was just feeling pretty confused and hurt myself.
She asked me if I still liked her. And that's when it came out. I didn't even realize I had said it until she stopped me. Then, of course, she made me repeat it. The best part was she said she loves me, too. What a rush...she loves me. Five minutes on the dock and 3 words salvaged the whole day.
We ended up at the diner with Will, Scout and Bella. Not touching each other, not able to speak freely, hiding our relationship and Jake's identity from everyone. I guess that's what "normal" is going to be for us. But Jakes love me, so I guess I can deal with that.
