Sunday, August 27, 2000

Surprise! Jake can play football.

We played with some guys from the dorm today and I was shocked as hell that on the very first play, she got past me with the ball. I had no idea she knew how to play football. I guess there are still a lot of things I don't know about Jake. I really wish we had more time to be together without the guys around. There are so many things I'd like to talk about and do with her, but can't because there are other guys around who happen to think she is a guy, too. There has to be a way for us to be together more often!

But it was really fun playing and I tackled Jake every chance I got. It was the only way I got to touch her all day. This is Sunday and I had to be home early. Sunday nights are really the only night I can count on Dad to be around and he always makes a big deal out of dinner. Last weekend he was still busy with Parent's Weekend, so he wanted to make up for it tonight. I felt like such a jerk going home, knowing she'd be alone in the dorms. I couldn't NOT go home, but it was really hard. I felt so guilty running off to spend time with my parents while Jake's Mom has only called her once since Parent's Weekend. She tries to hide it, but I know she's upset.


Monday, August 28, 2000

Crew practice turned into yet another one of Finn's deep philosophical discussions. Today it was destiny and things you can or can't change. I'd like to change my whole situation with Jake. I'd like to magically enroll her at Rawley Girls and be able to show the world that she's my girlfriend. I'd like to change her mother. Jake said her mom is only going to be home for a few days instead of the whole break. She's going to be alone again when she goes home for break. I wonder if I could talk Mom into letting me go to New York?

Jake must be my destiny though, because even when I thought she was a guy, I couldn't change my feelings about her. And God knows, I tried. I was attracted to Jake from the first moment and there hasn't been a single thing I could do about it since. I've never felt this...out of control...and yet, liked it so much.

Scout brought up that you can't change your parents. Whether you'd like to or not, they are your parents forever. I've never really thought about wanting other parents, but I wouldn't mind rearranging Dad's priorities. I've been trying to make him realize for years now that even though I don't make contributions to the Rawley Academy Alumni Fund, I'm not any less important. It's not that I think he doesn't care about me, I know that he does. It would just be nice to have it show more often or feel like I'm more important than the rest of the student body. It would be nice to think that he'd consider my feelings once in a while. If he did, maybe then he would realize how hard it is to be the Dean's kid or have asked ME if something was wrong when the older guys were harassing me instead of just taking THEIR word that things were fine.


Tuesday, August 29, 2000

I was on my way to Jake's room today when I saw her studying in the Common Room. I stopped and watched her from the doorway for a minute. Yet again, I was amazed - as well as unsettled - by how well she pulls off her boy act. As I watched her, I had this intense desire to kiss her. We've had so little time to be a couple...I just NEEDED to kiss her...right then and there.

Like an idiot, that's exactly what I did. Or tried to do.

We ducked behind the bookcase and I was just saying that we needed a better way to be together when Ryder showed up. Let me say again how much I HATE Ryder Forrest. Oh well, at least my comebacks are getting better. I actually left him speechless this time.


Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Ryder was at it again today. I think he even said something to Will and Scout about yesterday because they were giving us some mighty strange looks.

Going swimming made me wonder what Jake would look like in a bikini. I know she said she looks fat, but all girls think that. I think she'd look totally hot...with her long legs and killer abs...oh, yeah...totally hot. I wonder if she even has one here? Could I talk her into modeling it?

And I finally figured out how to get more time with Jake. I talked to Mom about moving into Jake's room at the dorms. It's the perfect answer to our problem. No one will think it's strange if I'm in Jake's room all the time if I live there, too. Being alone with Jake every night and every morning is going to so awesome.


Thursday, August 31, 2000

Jake freaked. I told her about me moving in and she freaked.

I don't get it. What's wrong with my idea? And what's her problem anyway? It's the best solution to our problem. If we share a room, we wouldn't have to sneak around all the damn time. Yeah, it might be a little weird at first, but it would still be great. She said she wasn't ready to sleep together yet - like the only reason I was suggesting it was to get in her pants. I wasn't suggesting that we have sex the first night or even sleep in the same bed (although either would be nice). I just wanted more time with my girlfriend when she can actually LOOK AND ACT LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND! What is so wrong with that?


Friday, September 1, 2000

That royal British ass was at it again today and I ended up telling Jake that our relationship wasn't worth it. I totally didn't mean that, but I was still upset about yesterday and provoked by Ryder.

I had been looking all over for Jake, so we could talk about yesterday and I finally found her on the dock. I really wanted us to talk and straighten out the whole living together thing. We never got that far. Ryder made some smart-ass comment about getting us a shower caddy for two and I snapped. Really snapped. This relationship is challenging enough without Ryder's snide remarks and I just wasn't in the mood for his shit.

So I punched him.

I've never punched anyone before in my life, but I hauled off and nailed him right in his big mouth, right in front of everyone. He may have deserved it, but I'm not happy about it and I'm sure Ryder has already run to Dad and told him all about how I attacked him.

And a lot of good any of this did me, I was so angry that when Jake tried to tell me RYDER wasn't worth it - I told her WE weren't worth it. I'm an idiot. Not only will I be in trouble with Dad, now I don't have Jake either. I'm going to have to do some major amounts of apologizing in the morning.


Saturday, September 2, 2000

Jake almost left me today.

I was waiting for her in the Common Room...waiting to apologize, no less...when she waltzed in and announced that she was leaving Rawley and telling everyone the truth. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say and like a dummy...said nothing. It felt like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on my head. I couldn't even think straight, much less respond. After she walked away, I finally managed to get my act together. There was no way Jake was leaving me that easily - not after everything she's put me through this summer.

I found her in her room packing. Somehow she got the idea that this was all about my reputation - which it's not. It's not about that at all, the guys may be a pain, especially Ryder, but that doesn't mean that their opinion counts for anything. It was about me wanting to spend more time with her and feeling rejected when she didn't seem to want the same thing.

I apologized for pushing things. Sex wasn't my intention when I suggested living together, but if she felt like I was pushing her in that direction, then she needed to know I wasn't.

I knew I was only going to get one chance to convince her I was sorry...that I wanted her to stay...that I meant it when I said I loved her. But I was having trouble putting all that into words and finding harder and harder to think straight having her so close to me. She was just inches away, looking at me with those beautiful, mysterious eyes and her lips...her lips were right there...full and soft...I just HAD to kiss her.

I poured every ounce of my soul into that kiss. Every emotion I went through this summer. All the confusion and hurt, joy and relief, desire and love...it was all there. I needed her to feel the intensity of my feelings for her. I needed her to feel what I felt.

Fortunately, she did and she's not going anywhere just yet.

Then I decided that if everyone was going to talk about me, at least I'm going to do something to deserve it. So, right smack in the middle of the day, I locked the door to Jake's room and we had one hell of a post-fight make-out session.

I was totally enjoying myself until Will knocked on the door to invite Jake to a party for Bella...and told Jake to invite me, too.

The party was nice, but being in a room full of people with Jake the boy doesn't even begin to compare to being with Jake the girl...in her room...on the bed...no corset...completely lost in each other.