Sunday, September 3, 2000

Jake and I had a talk about next semester today. We were supposed to be studying for finals, but ended up in her room making out instead. Studying for a test has never been more pleasant...until she asked me what happens next. Should she come back to Rawley Boys next semester? I hate to even think about her not coming back, but she did bring up some really important issues. There are a lot of potential problems...and while I have no desire to be away from her...she did make some very valid points. Like when does this end? I've really been stuck on how this all began, so I hadn't given any thought at all to how does it end? Can Jake keep this up until graduation? Should she even try? What happens then? All her records will show that she's Jake Pratt - male student. How would she fix all that for college? And what about Dad? The longer this goes on, the worse it will be if she gets caught; but I can't tell him, either. I just know he will kick her out and never let me see her again. I can't live with that, but Jake's going to have a hard time living as a guy for the next couple years, too. And what happens if the rumors get back to Mom and Dad? Am I supposed to tell them I'm gay? Or tell them the truth? If I do tell them I'm gay, what happens later when Jake can be herself again? "Oh, by the way, Mom...Dad, you know how I told you I was gay? Well, I'm not. I've actually been dating a cross dresser all this time." Yeah...like that's a conversation I'm dying to have.

It's bad enough that she's going home over break, but she just had to bring all this up and make me worry that she's not going to come back. What am I going to do if she doesn't?

God...I don't even want to think about it.

Monday, September 4, 2000

I had a hard time concentrating on finals today. I hope I managed to do well, anyway. I think I did, but Dad will flip if I get bad grades and then there is no way they will let me go visit Jake in New York over break. Jake hasn't asked me to come visit her yet, but I've been thinking about it ever since she said her Mom was only going to be home for a few days. I hate the idea of Jake being at home alone. I hate the idea of being here without her. I LOVE the idea of being alone with her. So why not go visit her? I think I could talk Mom into letting me go and I'm pretty sure she could convince Dad it would be okay.

Me and Jake...alone...away from Rawley...that would be so cool! She could look and act like herself and we could be together all time. Awesome...beyond awesome! Now, I just have to see if Jake thinks so, too. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice and jump to conclusions again.

Wednesday, September 6, 2000

God what a mess! So much has happened in the last 2 days and most of it is not good. Since I won't be able to sleep until Jake calls me and lets me know she got home safely, I guess I could go through everything that has happened in the last 2 days. It's not like I'm going to be able to think about anything else for a while.

Mom asked me to help her pack up the art rooms yesterday and Jake wanted to take her bike into town and get it looked at before she had to ride it home. I wasn't happy about either of these things, since they both meant time away from Jake, but the two women in my life didn't give me a choice. So I helped Mom while Jake went to town. I didn't want to have to go home to shower and change after I finished helping Mom, so I brought my clothes and left them in Jake's room. Just as I was headed for the showers, Jake came back. I asked her to keep me company. She was leaving and I didn't want to spend any more time apart than we had already.

Sounds simple enough...right? Have her talk to me while I get cleaned up and then we go back to her room. It was our last day together and I wanted to be sure we said goodbye properly. As soon as I got into the shower, I started thinking she wasn't close enough. Yes, she was in the room, but it would be better if she were closer. Naturally, little head was thinking faster then big head. Before I really thought about what I was doing, I asked her to join me. Even as I heard myself say the words, I never expected Jake to go for it.

Imagine my surprise when she said "okay."

"Okay?"

She said OKAY, as in YES.

Schwing! Instant erection. Jake just agreed to get into the shower with me and showering means being naked.

I stopped thinking.

I stopped breathing.

She said okay.

Then she started getting undressed! Really undressed. Like more undressed than EVER before. I had never seen that much of her all at once and yet, there she was already out of her jeans and pulling off her shirt. I was still trying to process all of this when she started walking towards me. She reached behind her back, and just as she was about to get into the shower, slipped off her bra.

My heart stopped beating.

In a split second, this went from lighthearted fun to completely serious.

I was already naked in the shower and Jake was down to her underwear. The only thing separating us was the flimsy white, plastic shower curtain. Even if I had wanted to say something at that moment, I couldn't have. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. Every drop of blood in my body had moved to my groin. All I could do was stare at Jake.

My Jake. The Jake that I see in my dreams. Beautiful, curvy, feminine Jake. Long legs and killer abs Jake. Almost naked Jake! About to get into the shower with me Jake!

Until Finn walked in.

Have I mentioned that Finn is my least favorite person on Earth right now?

Yep, Finn walked in. I was in the shower, Jake was inches away in her underwear and Finn comes through the door. How is THAT for a Kodak moment?

Jake grabbed her clothes and ran out. I stood in the shower for a minute like an idiot not knowing WHAT to do before I realized that I really should go find Jake. Finn must have been too surprised to move. When I got out, he was still standing in the same spot, mouth wide open, not moving, not saying a word. I had almost made it out the door without having to explain when I heard him call my name. I turned around, gave him my best puppy-dog face and promised that I would explain everything very soon - just not right at that moment. Before he could say anything else, I left and raced down the hall to Jake's room - only to pass her midway as she was running out. She was running away and leaving me! I couldn't believe it and I couldn't very well chase after her in a towel. I threw on the clothes I left in her room and went to find her.

I found her all right...about to run off and leave me without even saying goodbye! She was in Bella's truck already and they were leaving. I was surprised to see her there in the first place, confused when she said she had "other secrets" besides masquerading as a boy and downright SHOCKED to see her in a skirt and tank top. Apparently she told Bella the truth at some point and neglected to tell me about it. What else hasn't she told me?

Note to self: must talk to Jake about secrets and Bella.

There was no way I was going to let her run off on my like that - no way - not after this summer and not after almost getting into a shower together. So, I jumped in the truck and went with them.

We didn't get far before disaster struck again. Bella spotted Will at the bus stop and got out to talk to him. Jake was flipping out in the truck. The last thing she wanted was for another person to find out the truth, but there was no way for her to get out of the truck or get changed back into her boy clothes without Will seeing her. When Will walked up to the truck with Bella, Jake was busted - again. Twice in one day. The look on Krudski's face was one in a million, though. I almost wish I had a picture of it.

We headed out of town from there and since everyone in the truck now knew the truth about Jake, she started fussing with her hair and putting on makeup. The overall situation was bad, very bad. Jake and I had been caught and we were essentially running away, but a twisted side of me was enjoying being with Jake and not having to hide. I could openly touch her and hold her with no one to stop me. Given the skirt and tank top she was wearing, I touched her a lot.

I knew there were going to be consequences to deal with later, but for right then, I was just enjoying being with Jacqueline for a change.

That is until Bella crashed into a tree during our little Abba sing-a-long.

Of course, having left in such a hurry, Jake didn't have her cell phone with her. Bella's trucked was completely wrecked in the middle of nowhere and we had no way to call for help. The day was just one mess after another.

We ended up spending the night in a dirty, old abandoned cabin. Not exactly the way I envisioned spending the night with Jake, but the fun wasn't over yet. Scout and Will's friend Sean showed up, but managed to let their ride get away. So know two more people knew Jake's secret and we were still stranded. Six of us in a cabin with no food, no heat and no plumbing.

Bad? Oh yeah.

Tense? Totally.

Jake and I weren't alone, so we couldn't talk about anything we needed to be talking about and wouldn't it just figure that everyone else was having a bad day, too? Scout and Sean ended up fighting and had to be pried apart. The fun just kept on coming. I learned that not one of them is good at keeping a secret, but they all wanted to know why Jake and I were there in the first place. Yeah right, like I'd tell them ANYTHING at that point. They were blabbing each other's secrets left and right and they wanted to know ours? NOT! I'm sure we'll have to explain sooner or later, but later works for me.

I swear I never should have gotten out of bed yesterday morning.

Come on, Jake. Call already! I'm worried!

The only redeeming part of the whole cabin experience was falling asleep curled around Jake and waking up with her in my arms. Even in such an awful setting, that was wonderful and I could totally be up for doing that again. Granted I'd prefer it didn't come with the ten-mile hike that followed. Yep, Jake volunteered us to walk with Bella the rest of the way to Carson. Although Jake's never really talked about her Dad, I think she could identify with how it feels to be abandoned by a parent and she wanted to be sure Bella had someone there for her. She ended up with all of us.

Walking to Carson was not my choice of fun, but I got to be with Jake and I could kiss and touch her often -which I did. Even made Calhoun squirm, since he's still a little freaked about Jake and all.

Bella needed to go to Carson to see her Mom, whom she hasn't seen in like 10 years, because her Dad was losing the gas station. She was hoping her Mom could fix things I guess, but it didn't go well at all. Bella was really crushed after she left her Mom's. I'm assuming something worked out though, because her Dad took down the auction sign right when we got back. I think I'm going to call or go over there this week and check on her.

Everyone was upset about their problems and generally quiet on the way home. But we still weren't alone, so Jake and I couldn't talk about anything that had happened or what we were going to do next. I was hoping we could go to the lake and talk privately when we finally got back. I didn't want her to leave without some idea of what to do.

That plan went up in smoke, too. As soon as we got back to town, Jake saw her bike and before I knew what hit me, we were saying goodbye on Main Street with four sets of eyes on us. Am I ever going to be in control of ANYTHING ever again?

It took every ounce of will power I had not to run across the street and jump on the back of that bike. I wanted to so bad. Jake was leaving and taking my heart with her, but I knew I was in serious trouble already for not coming home last night and leaving again would only guarantee my one-way ticket to military school. I actually prayed the whole way home that Finn hadn't talked to Dad yet. Miracle of miracles, he hadn't. Mom was still in the same clothes from the day before and I immediately felt worse for having worried her so much. I explained about the accident and not coming home, but I couldn't tell them why I left in the first place without getting in deeper. I just apologized and accepted that I'm now grounded and will be doing tons of extra work at the school. So much for going to visit Jake in New York. She finally invited me and now I can't go.

Which is of course only one of the many things I can't stop thinking about while I sit here waiting for her to call me. There is no way I can sleep until I know she made it home safe and sound. She can give me the "I can take care of myself" speech all she wants, that doesn't change the fact that it's a long drive and the last two days prove that ANYTHING can go wrong.

Then again, I don't know how I'm going to sleep anyway. Besides seeing Jake in her underwear every time I close my eyes, I can't stop thinking about how the hell we are going to fix all this.

Jake finally called. She got home safely, but her mom is mad because she didn't show up when she was supposed to and never called. Unlike me though, Jake is not grounded and will not be used as slave labor.

I'm going to bed. I want this day to end. Tomorrow can't possibly be as bad as today. With my luck though, I'll end up dreaming about what MIGHT have happened in that shower and end up having to wash my own sheets in the morning.

Thursday, September 7, 2000

Boy I called that one right. Sticky sheets are absolutely no fun if you were alone when they got sticky. And having your mother give you "that look" when she catches you in the laundry room first thing in the morning is right up there with being pantsed in front of the girls gym class.

I spent the day cleaning classrooms and trying to figure out what to say to Finn. I expected to see him today and I'm still surprised that I didn't. I'll have to go looking for him tomorrow, I guess. I'm really not looking forward to this conversation, but I suppose it's better than I one I would have had last night if he had already told Dad about what he saw in the bathroom.

I guess the first thing I need to do is figure out what exactly Finn saw and go from there. If he saw the same thing I saw, then I'm in big trouble.

I keep replaying those precious minutes over and over in my mind. I still can't believe it all happened. I really asked Jake to get into the shower with me and she was really going to do it! What was I thinking? What was she thinking? What would have happened if Finn hadn't walked in?

I'm fairly sure MY problem was thinking with the wrong head. Without a doubt I let my hormones get the better of me and look what it may have cost us. If Finn turns her in I may never see her again. As for Jake? I haven't a clue what she was thinking and I'm waiting until after her mom leaves again to ask her. If we were willing to shower together...what else would we have been willing to do without talking about it first? I'm thinking we need to have a long talk and I need to make a trip to the drugstore just in case.

In the meantime, I'll be doing a lot of laundry. I picture her walking across the bathroom with almost every inch of her body exposed every time I close my eyes. And that moment when she took off her bra is permanently etched into every corner of my brain. I didn't see a lot, but I saw enough to know I want to see it again.

I miss Jake like crazy already, so I'd take seeing any part of her again...even if it meant being buried under her usual layers of clothing. Just talking to her on the phone isn't nearly enough. It's going to be a LONG couple of weeks. Then again, it could be a lot longer than two weeks if Finn turns her in.

End Part 8