Harry Potter and the trip into reality

I never claimed to own Harry Potter... no matter what the papers say!

Snape watched the Hogwarts express as it was buffed to its usual pre school year shine. House elves desperately needed something to do during the school holidays so they often chose to do this on top of their duties in the castle. One week left until the school was infested again, one week until he had to start teaching mindless school children about ingredients they would soon forget. Another year he had missed out on the defence against the dark arts job, year after year of people who just didn't know what they were talking about. Dumbledore had refused him out of hand, saying he had another in mind, hadn't even considered it despite admitting that he hadn't even asked the new teacher.

Quietly fuming he turned back towards Hogwarts.

*

She leant back on two legs of her chair, her ankles crossed, feet resting against her cupboard door. She was drawing what appeared to be a strange hairy creature hulking inside an enclosed space. Reaching out to her side she stuck the tip of her tongue out of her mouth and frowned. She looked to where her hand was groping blindly only to find nothing there. 'Oh bugger.' She looked across the room and lifted her hand to her head. She pulled at the thin, long stick that held her hair in a knot at the base of her skull. She flicked it and snapped, 'winguardium leviosa.' The bottle of vodka floated across to her hand and she liberally poured a few shots into a glass.

The door at her feet trembled slightly. With a quick motion she took her steel toed boots and slammed her foot against it a few times. 'I'm still out here ya know.' She said with a raised voice. She looked at the full glass in her hand. 'And I never spilt a drop, how's that for talent?' Taking a long swallow the alchohol blazed a trail down her throat and she sighed happily, she flicked the radio station onto some hard rock, put the wand back in her hair and went back to her drawing.

'Still on the hard stuff then, Elayne?' Came a quiet voice to her right. She jerked forwards in her chair and shifted her weight back on the two legs in surprise. Even in the realms of magic a short sharp fall can't be averted. Her back slammed onto the chair back and her head bounced off the stone floor. She lay there for a moment, staring at the ceiling looking for everyone like a turtle turned over in the sun. 'Now that one's gonna leave a mark.' She said out loud.

Elayne turned her head and stared quietly for a moment before crawling to her feet. Rubbing her head she came away with two halves of a wand. 'Aww damn, you can't just phone like normal people?' She asked sitting cross-legged on the floor. 'And since when can you do this with gas fires?' She asked turning the flames up on the grill.

'Thank you. It takes some minor adjustments but it's possible. How are you finding Scotland?' Dumbledore asked her brightly, looking for all the world as if he hadn't any ulterior motive.

'Cold.' She stated. 'Lot more monsters around than expected most of those being the locals.' She looked at the wand in her hand. 'You owe me a wand.' She stated flatly.

'You can take it out of your paycheck.' She blinked slightly.

'Not that much bounty on monsters these days, granted MOM pays a hefty whack if you catch a rogue dragon or something. But I'm not gonna do that with no wand.' Elayne ran her hand through her hair and scratched her cheek with half a wand, and winced as it emitted some sparks, scorching her cheek. ''

'Ahh this is what I would like to discuss, your application for the defence against the dark arts job at Hogwarts.' She blinked.

'But I didn't send one.' Elayne said rubbing her cheek with the palm of her hand.

'That would be the problem.' She paused and looked at him. Suddenly comprehension dawned.

'No! Sorry but no I have no problems with teaching, except for the kids.' Dumbledore looked her in the eye.

'Would you rather I tell the ministry of magic about the boggart you have in your closet?' He asked and her face went flat.

'It's research.' She told him and he stared at her. 'Do you know how many times that thing insisted of scaring the crap out of me?' She said with a sullen frown, Dumbledore's face was getting more still. 'It's stress relief.' Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. 'When do you want me there?' She asked.

'Well you need to go to London to get a new wand, so you may as well come on the Hogwart express.' She muttered something incomprehensible. 'I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that?'

'I said you were you were a gosh darn nice fella and not at all a git.' She grinned brightly.

'I'll see you at the start of the school year then. Oh, and please, don't bring the boggart.' She nodded glumly and the fire winked out. She pulled herself to her feet and walked across to the table, her mind telling her that a long stiff drink would put her right. She looked on the floor and sighed leaning back on the door. 'Shit.' She said to the pile of glass. The door behind her trembled, she brought her boot back against it almost without thinking of it.

*

'Elayne Strachan?' Snape asked Dumbledore with something akin to shock. 'I thought she was out chasing magical creatures in Romania?' Dumbledore nodded.

'She was, but the vampire trail dried up.' Serverus blinked in disbelief. 'They decided that their unlife was to be considerably extended if they got out of her vicinity. Elayne has clocked more yearly field time than any witch or wizard since leaving Hogwarts.' Dumbledore sat down opposite Snape.

'She was a vicious little wretch even then.' Snape told him, he had taught Elayne in her last year at Hogwarts. 'She was always in trouble, she had no respect for her superiors.' Dumbledore nodded.

'I expect that hasn't changed.'

'No I doubt it would have, she's not the changing kind.'

*

Platform 9 and 3/4 was bustling on the first day of term. Harry, Hermione and Ron were waiting for it to clear a bit so they could find a carriage by themselves. After four years of nigh on non-stop action, they were more than a little weary of what the new school year would bring.

'Ugh! Bloody kids!' Their heads snapped round at the swearing. A young woman was walking down the platform dragging a huge trunk behind her and she had a large cat wrapped around her neck like a stole. She was wearing a pair of black cargo pants and a red t-shirt with a 'this bitch bites' slogan emblazoned across it. A short leather jacket and a pair of combat boots completed the well it was definitely a look, just not one they had ever seen on this platform. She yanked the trunk past them and they heard muttered curses following her in a stream.

'Who was that?' Ron said quietly. Harry looked at him with a deep sense of forboding. 'Filch's replacment by the sounds of it.'

'Defence against the dark arts.' Hermione said. 'Makes a change to have a woman teaching it.' She said with a sniff.

'I have no idea what that was Hermione, but it wasn't a woman.' Ron told her. She sniffed again and gestured that they should get onto the train.

As always the train was jumping with over excited first years, plus the over excited other years, finding a seat was a crush but they found some altogether. As always it wasn't long before they saw Malfoy.

'Back for yet another term Potter? I would have thought you and your mudblood at the very least would have learnt.' His tone was scathing.

'Tell me Malfoy.' Hermione said flippantly. 'How long did it take before that mixed bag of curses was lifted off you?' Malfoy's nostrils flared.

'Thanks for reminding me.' He said pulling out his wand, Harry blinked in sudden surprise, it had reached its natural conclusion much earlier than he had anticipated. A hand reached from behind Draco and yanked his wand from his hands. 'Hey!' He exclaimed as he turned to the woman they had seen on the platform.

'Tch, I thought so, my spidey sense was tingling.' She gave him a steely look. 'So which one are you?' He stared at her in offence. 'Your name boy spit it out, I haven't got all day.'

'Draco.' He muttered. She nodded.

'I see, the no magic rule still applies on this train you know, personally I'm always up for a scrap, but if you're gonna fight at least do some real damage.' She frowned at him and jerked her head. Hermione started giggling as Draco stomped off down the corridor. 'I'd stop giggling miss or you're going to be dancing like Michel Flatly for the rest of the school year.' Hermione's face went white and she stopped instantly.

'Who's Michel Flatly?' Ron asked quietly.

'Magic folk! It was a pop culture reference.' She told him. 'As much fun as this has been, I have a loose cat somewhere on board this train.' She strolled away from them.


*

Elayne finally caught up with Havelock her cat as he was about to devour some kid's toad and it had now taken up residence around her neck. The train was pulling up to the quiet stop in Scotland that was only used two days out of every year. She winced as the magical resonance knocked out her cd player, that's it, no decent music for a year. She fiddled with her new wand, she went through wands like stakes through vampires chests, in fact she believed that was where the one before last had actually met its end. Elayne was a bounty hunter by trade, technically a 'magical creature enforcer' according to the ministry of magic, but it was basically kicking the shit out of anything that bites, salivates wildly and uses magic. Granted that sometimes included human beings, she'd had more than her fair share of dark wizards trying to put her down. Wizards as a breed thought with their wands too much, same with vampires actually. Granted the chainsaw didn't actually kill that vampire, but it had slowed it down a lot.

She tugged her jacket around her tightly as the train stopped, there was something about Scotland that always made her feel cold. She figured that it was probably the weather. The familiar sight of Hagrid shouting for the 'firs' years' made her smile and she strolled up to him. 'Hagrid!' She yelled and a bright grin lit his face.

'Professor Strachan.' He said smiling and she winced. 'Elayne then, fer ol' times sake.' She winked at him. 'Yer to head straight fer the castle. Dumbledore is waitin' fer yer there.' She nodded glumly. 'I'll see yer at the teachers table.' He told her before going back to shouting for his firs' years.

*

She sat back as the carriage wound it way up to the castle, which was, now she looked at it, incredibly gaudy. Like someone with no taste had decided that the landscape had needed a castle and proceeded to place the most garish one they could think of there. The carriage skidded to a halt in front of the main doors, the lights were on but the doors were closed. She climbed out of the carriage with utter inelegance and strolled across to the doors. She poked her head around as she opened them. 'Hi honey I'm home.' She said brightly. She looked across to the stairs just in front of her and saw Snape moving down them like some unholy raven and she'd seen a lot of unholy ravens in her time.

'Elayne Strachan. You're to come with me to see Dumbledore.' She blinked slightly and shrugged.

'Oh please Professor Snape, you know how uncomfortable I get when old teachers rave about me so, let's get straight down to business.' She said with a flippant grin as she climbed the stairs to where he stood. Snape looked at her calmly for a moment and turn to face her fully.

'No matter how many people you may win over with your attitude, you can be assured I won't be one of them.' He turned away from her and she smirked.

'So the crotchety, evil, teaching method still working for you then?' She asked in an amused tone.

'As much as the arrogant, egotistical, child persona seems to be working for you.' He said as he swept up the stairs in front of her.

She paused until he was at the top before murmuring; 'Touche.' And following.

Author's note ~ Okay please R and R if ya can... and if you don't like it... well screw ya... my fic... :-P