"The Sky is Breaking" by Dee
Part 1- Like black night.
Authors Note: For Leelee, thanks for keeping me writing girlie. And for the lovely Moby and his amazing album "Play".
***
Motionless he stared at the night sky, his eyes a mirror for the glimmering stars above. From where he sat they were bright, flashing dots like thousands of mirrors glinting through the darkness only for him. Remus hated the stars and their deceiving elegance. He hated the way he wanted to touch them, the way they could grab his heart and just hold him in thrall of something so foreign and perfect. He'd learned long ago that his destiny wasn't wrapped in fragile tranquility but in things more dark and feral.
Tangling his hands in the thick grass he sat in he dug his nails gently into the soil, the pungent scent of earth rising about him as he kept his gaze on the sky. It was a peaceful sky. The moon had finally waned to nothing leaving the stars free to reign the heavens. Leaving him free to breath without the constant pulling in his chest, the aching in his bones. For the moment the wolf was gone. The emptiness made him feel lightheaded and alive. It was a feeling that he reveled in.
That's what had brought him out to the empty field in the middle of the night. His empty house was to confining, clean but cluttered with books and too many memories. The vastness of the sky seemed to swallow all his problems and his pain. By laying in the grass in the cool night air he didn't have to think about his responsibilities or the letter that he'd received earlier that morning. It was too tempting to not think for once.
Hardly one of your character traits, his mind jeered, you were never the impetuous one. It was true, in the past he'd never put things off or turned his back on his responsibilities. He's always done everything he was involved with efficiency and thorougness. Even at Hogwarts he'd been the reliable one. Studious Remus Lupin, always quiet and polite. Unobtrusive. For most of his life he'd wanted to fade away into the background and disappear from notice. It was safer to be that way.
James had been the dashing one of the group, always smiling an kind. He was the sort of personality who stood out in a crowd without having to make a scene. Subtly charming and protective he had a soul of pure gold. He'd been so damn loyal to all his friend and blind to every girl but Lily Evans. It still made him sick to think of what all his loyalty had gotten him.
It was hard to think of James and how things had turned out as a result of everything that had happened. All the plans the Marauders had made together, their history, the love that was between them had all been for nothing. Instead of taking their falls together their very core had been blasted out and they had been torn apart. Life had a funny way of preparing you to be hit in the gut and then kicking you in the teeth instead.
The letter had been from Dumbledore, a warning of things to come and a request to let Sirius stay with him when he returned from rousing the others. He had paid the owl and sent it on it's way before what he'd read actually set in. Realization had been pure adrenaline, a sudden rush that turned into worry in the pit of his stomach. Sirius would be coming. It filled him with fear to think about having to face him, speak to him, his best friend, the only love he'd ever had.
He was afraid. What is there to say to the only person who knows you better than yourself. How could words even express the things he'd been feeling since their brief meeting in the Shrieking Shack. He had been ashamed of himself for not being able to hate Sirius all those years he'd been in Azkaban, but he hated himself for believing in his guilt. He'd condemned Sirius so easily when Sirius had never condemned him for what he was. He was a coward.
Leaving the letter on the table where it had fallen from his fingers he had done what his instincts had told him to do. Run. So he had run from the cramped house, from the letter, from his responsibility and from his fear. He'd run to a place he'd only known as the Wolf, a place he'd only stalked and torn through before, and sank down into the grass to lose himself in the moonless sky and the cold air.
Sitting up Remus pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around the thin khakis. Resting his chin on his knees, he made sure not breaking his gaze on the sky. He would do what he had to do. He owed Dumbledore his loyalty in anything he asked, and if he was asked to give shelter to Sirius he would. Though it didn't stop the fear that was building in him at what he would see in the man when he arrived.
***
With careful steps Remus retraced the path he'd run earlier, his eyes well adjusted to the darkness. His limbs ached from having sat in the same spot for so long and with each step his muscles cried out in relief. The path was overgrown but easy to manage and he slowly made his way back to the secluded spot where his neat little house was tucked in the shadow of a forest and looked out over the bushy field.
Digging his bare toes into the familiar coolness of his small grassy yard he faltered as his eyes caught sight of his doorstep and the large, scraggly dog that lay sleeping upon it. Stopping dead he willed the wave of shock down, steeling himself for the confrontation. It didn't take long for the dark head of the dog to stir, and in a motion more threatening than any Grim look him straight in the eye.
For a heartbeat there was silence before Remus crossed his arms over his chest and smiled slightly at the dog. "Hello, Sirius."
At his words the dog lifted itself into a sitting position and turned into the familiar form of Sirius Black. A much changed Sirius Black, Remus noted the sunken cheeks and skeletal thinness that was could only have been caused by long periods of starvation. It was his eyes, however, they kept him from speaking again. They were haunted things. They were dark and dead like a shadow of their former sparkle. This was not the Sirius Black that he had known so intimately, he was a changed man. Azkaban had seen to that.
"You were gone and I didn't want to intrude uninvited..." His voice was raspy, halting, sounding ever bit as tired as he was sure he was. Remus ached just looking at the state he was in, but merely took a breath and forced another smile.
"I needed some air, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you arrived. Come in, it's poor of me to leave you sitting on the doorstep like that."
Sirius followed him through the door, closing it behind him and stepping tentatively into the cluttered space of the front hall. At the end of the hall Remus had stopped and he could sense the tension that radiated from him. It struck Sirius almost as a physical blow, to know that the toll that his presence was causing and words failed him.
"Remus.." He shot a look back toward the closed front door before looking back at his friend. "I should go. This isn't going to be comfortable, and it's hardly fair of Dumbledore to ask this of you.."
His words trailed off as he watched the rigid set of his friends shoulders relax as Remus turned to look him in the eye. "No."
"I'm not doing this only for Dumbledore." For a moment he was held by the honey gaze of the fairer man before Remus turned and walked away. "Don't mind the mess.. I never have visitors."
Feeling a pang of guilt from his words, Sirius proceeded down the hall and into the small living room of the house. It was a simple room, furnished all in creams with a hardwood floor. The only furniture was in the shape of an untouched couch and a low coffee table covered in books and papers. Running his fingers over the snowy fabric of the couch he realized how filthy he was and drew his hand back with a muttered curse. The room was perfect for Remus, he decided, a mix of clutter and class that worked together. He was the only blight in the picture, the filthy dark spot in the neat world of whites. But he had asked him to stay.
For awhile he stood in silence, noting the lack of waving wizard pictures and senseless personal knick-knacks about the room. It was nothing like the house they'd shared before, the run down cottage outside of London full of pictures, planning and friends. Remus lived in this house all alone with no visitors he said. Something twinged inside of Sirius at the thought of the Remus he had known, who had been full of such a shining warmth and spirit, left in a world where he didn't have friends to support him.
From the kitchen he could hear the beat by beat sounds of cabinets opening and closing and the subtle hiss of Remus' muggle teakettle. The air was heavy in the living room, too heavy for Sirius to bear and he turned his back on the cluttered room and followed the soft sounds into the kitchen.
Leaning against the worn doorframe he preserved the silence as he watched Remus arranging the fragile teacups on the spotless counter. Something remained constant, he mused, as he observed the much practiced ritual of tea-making. Remus seemed more relaxed, waiting on the water to boil.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you that a watched pot never boils, Remus?" Finding his voice Sirius smiled as the fairer man looked up guiltily and smiled, the sparkle reaching his honeyed eyes.
"I find it relaxing, actually," he admitted, turning his gaze back to the stove. "You never did have enough patience to find comfort in waiting."
He heard rather than saw Sirius approaching but then he was beside him, the haunted look in his eyes once more. "I have a lot more patience than you think. I've been waiting to be here with you for years."
The clatter of a saucer on the counter was the only sign that he'd been heard. The waver went through him, shaking him to the core. It was so hard to be so close to him and know that the distance was deceiving. Pulling the kettle of the flames the first sign of whistling, Remus set it on the unused burned and doused the flames without looking him in the eye. "Tea's done..."
"Forget the tea, Moony, we need to talk." Lightly catching his chin, Sirius turned his face toward him so he could see his eyes. When he spoke his voice was low. "This dance isn't going to solve anything and stubbornly ignoring things do not make them go away."
"You think I don't know that?" Looking up into the eyes of his former lover, Remus narrowed his gaze before letting it drop back down to the counter. His voice grew softer as he spoke. "You think that I haven't run everything I would say to you in this situation over and over in my head until it hurt to try and find words? Do you think I've had any rest, any sleep since the last time I saw you walk out my door?"
Drawing in a deep breath he clenched his hands into fist, speaking as if to convince himself. "I had to realize that I didn't need you to rest, that I didn't need to find the words that eluded me. You were gone, Sirius. You left me, and I thought that you had chosen your path. I believed that you killed them, I had to believe it."
"You had no reason not to." Sirius' voice was soft, the commanding tone that always tinged his words gone. Catching sight of the darkness in his eyes, Remus ached to touch the sunken planes of his face or hold him. Instead he dug his nails into his palms, wincing at the pain as he looked deep into those dark eyes.
"I had every reason not to, can't you see that?" His voice rose, each word more painful than the next. " I condemned you to all that horror, I betrayed you to those monsters without saying a word. I left you, my first friend, the only love I've ever had. I'm a coward, Sirius. When I saw you that night at Hogwarts I felt the broken shards of my heart biting into me, drawing blood again. These sins of mine cannot be absolved, I've earned every black taint."
Silence blanketed the room for a moment and Remus felt his throat constrict as his words settled around them. Then it was broken, smashed and shattered by the low, earthy sound of Sirius Blacks laughter. A smile tugged at his lips as he watched the puzzled look on Remus' face as he brought his palm up to cup his cheek. "All that guilt. Moony, if I didn't know what an unholy beast you really are I'd of thought your inner Catholic had come out."
Shaking his head sadly, Remus pulled away from Sirius and absently pushed his shaggy hair out of his eyes. "I use to think that your laughter solved everything, did you know that? But we all have to grow up and lose our illusions, don't we."
With a sigh, he reached the threshold into the living room before turning back. "You can sleep down here, there's a spare bed right across the hall. There are towels and such in the bathroom and help yourself to anything to eat."
Raking his fingers through his tangled black hair, Sirius nodded. "Thanks for putting me up, Moony."
Remus nodded, a far away look in his eyes. "Goodnight Padfoot."
***
Part two to follow. -Dee
Part 1- Like black night.
Authors Note: For Leelee, thanks for keeping me writing girlie. And for the lovely Moby and his amazing album "Play".
***
Motionless he stared at the night sky, his eyes a mirror for the glimmering stars above. From where he sat they were bright, flashing dots like thousands of mirrors glinting through the darkness only for him. Remus hated the stars and their deceiving elegance. He hated the way he wanted to touch them, the way they could grab his heart and just hold him in thrall of something so foreign and perfect. He'd learned long ago that his destiny wasn't wrapped in fragile tranquility but in things more dark and feral.
Tangling his hands in the thick grass he sat in he dug his nails gently into the soil, the pungent scent of earth rising about him as he kept his gaze on the sky. It was a peaceful sky. The moon had finally waned to nothing leaving the stars free to reign the heavens. Leaving him free to breath without the constant pulling in his chest, the aching in his bones. For the moment the wolf was gone. The emptiness made him feel lightheaded and alive. It was a feeling that he reveled in.
That's what had brought him out to the empty field in the middle of the night. His empty house was to confining, clean but cluttered with books and too many memories. The vastness of the sky seemed to swallow all his problems and his pain. By laying in the grass in the cool night air he didn't have to think about his responsibilities or the letter that he'd received earlier that morning. It was too tempting to not think for once.
Hardly one of your character traits, his mind jeered, you were never the impetuous one. It was true, in the past he'd never put things off or turned his back on his responsibilities. He's always done everything he was involved with efficiency and thorougness. Even at Hogwarts he'd been the reliable one. Studious Remus Lupin, always quiet and polite. Unobtrusive. For most of his life he'd wanted to fade away into the background and disappear from notice. It was safer to be that way.
James had been the dashing one of the group, always smiling an kind. He was the sort of personality who stood out in a crowd without having to make a scene. Subtly charming and protective he had a soul of pure gold. He'd been so damn loyal to all his friend and blind to every girl but Lily Evans. It still made him sick to think of what all his loyalty had gotten him.
It was hard to think of James and how things had turned out as a result of everything that had happened. All the plans the Marauders had made together, their history, the love that was between them had all been for nothing. Instead of taking their falls together their very core had been blasted out and they had been torn apart. Life had a funny way of preparing you to be hit in the gut and then kicking you in the teeth instead.
The letter had been from Dumbledore, a warning of things to come and a request to let Sirius stay with him when he returned from rousing the others. He had paid the owl and sent it on it's way before what he'd read actually set in. Realization had been pure adrenaline, a sudden rush that turned into worry in the pit of his stomach. Sirius would be coming. It filled him with fear to think about having to face him, speak to him, his best friend, the only love he'd ever had.
He was afraid. What is there to say to the only person who knows you better than yourself. How could words even express the things he'd been feeling since their brief meeting in the Shrieking Shack. He had been ashamed of himself for not being able to hate Sirius all those years he'd been in Azkaban, but he hated himself for believing in his guilt. He'd condemned Sirius so easily when Sirius had never condemned him for what he was. He was a coward.
Leaving the letter on the table where it had fallen from his fingers he had done what his instincts had told him to do. Run. So he had run from the cramped house, from the letter, from his responsibility and from his fear. He'd run to a place he'd only known as the Wolf, a place he'd only stalked and torn through before, and sank down into the grass to lose himself in the moonless sky and the cold air.
Sitting up Remus pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around the thin khakis. Resting his chin on his knees, he made sure not breaking his gaze on the sky. He would do what he had to do. He owed Dumbledore his loyalty in anything he asked, and if he was asked to give shelter to Sirius he would. Though it didn't stop the fear that was building in him at what he would see in the man when he arrived.
***
With careful steps Remus retraced the path he'd run earlier, his eyes well adjusted to the darkness. His limbs ached from having sat in the same spot for so long and with each step his muscles cried out in relief. The path was overgrown but easy to manage and he slowly made his way back to the secluded spot where his neat little house was tucked in the shadow of a forest and looked out over the bushy field.
Digging his bare toes into the familiar coolness of his small grassy yard he faltered as his eyes caught sight of his doorstep and the large, scraggly dog that lay sleeping upon it. Stopping dead he willed the wave of shock down, steeling himself for the confrontation. It didn't take long for the dark head of the dog to stir, and in a motion more threatening than any Grim look him straight in the eye.
For a heartbeat there was silence before Remus crossed his arms over his chest and smiled slightly at the dog. "Hello, Sirius."
At his words the dog lifted itself into a sitting position and turned into the familiar form of Sirius Black. A much changed Sirius Black, Remus noted the sunken cheeks and skeletal thinness that was could only have been caused by long periods of starvation. It was his eyes, however, they kept him from speaking again. They were haunted things. They were dark and dead like a shadow of their former sparkle. This was not the Sirius Black that he had known so intimately, he was a changed man. Azkaban had seen to that.
"You were gone and I didn't want to intrude uninvited..." His voice was raspy, halting, sounding ever bit as tired as he was sure he was. Remus ached just looking at the state he was in, but merely took a breath and forced another smile.
"I needed some air, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you arrived. Come in, it's poor of me to leave you sitting on the doorstep like that."
Sirius followed him through the door, closing it behind him and stepping tentatively into the cluttered space of the front hall. At the end of the hall Remus had stopped and he could sense the tension that radiated from him. It struck Sirius almost as a physical blow, to know that the toll that his presence was causing and words failed him.
"Remus.." He shot a look back toward the closed front door before looking back at his friend. "I should go. This isn't going to be comfortable, and it's hardly fair of Dumbledore to ask this of you.."
His words trailed off as he watched the rigid set of his friends shoulders relax as Remus turned to look him in the eye. "No."
"I'm not doing this only for Dumbledore." For a moment he was held by the honey gaze of the fairer man before Remus turned and walked away. "Don't mind the mess.. I never have visitors."
Feeling a pang of guilt from his words, Sirius proceeded down the hall and into the small living room of the house. It was a simple room, furnished all in creams with a hardwood floor. The only furniture was in the shape of an untouched couch and a low coffee table covered in books and papers. Running his fingers over the snowy fabric of the couch he realized how filthy he was and drew his hand back with a muttered curse. The room was perfect for Remus, he decided, a mix of clutter and class that worked together. He was the only blight in the picture, the filthy dark spot in the neat world of whites. But he had asked him to stay.
For awhile he stood in silence, noting the lack of waving wizard pictures and senseless personal knick-knacks about the room. It was nothing like the house they'd shared before, the run down cottage outside of London full of pictures, planning and friends. Remus lived in this house all alone with no visitors he said. Something twinged inside of Sirius at the thought of the Remus he had known, who had been full of such a shining warmth and spirit, left in a world where he didn't have friends to support him.
From the kitchen he could hear the beat by beat sounds of cabinets opening and closing and the subtle hiss of Remus' muggle teakettle. The air was heavy in the living room, too heavy for Sirius to bear and he turned his back on the cluttered room and followed the soft sounds into the kitchen.
Leaning against the worn doorframe he preserved the silence as he watched Remus arranging the fragile teacups on the spotless counter. Something remained constant, he mused, as he observed the much practiced ritual of tea-making. Remus seemed more relaxed, waiting on the water to boil.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you that a watched pot never boils, Remus?" Finding his voice Sirius smiled as the fairer man looked up guiltily and smiled, the sparkle reaching his honeyed eyes.
"I find it relaxing, actually," he admitted, turning his gaze back to the stove. "You never did have enough patience to find comfort in waiting."
He heard rather than saw Sirius approaching but then he was beside him, the haunted look in his eyes once more. "I have a lot more patience than you think. I've been waiting to be here with you for years."
The clatter of a saucer on the counter was the only sign that he'd been heard. The waver went through him, shaking him to the core. It was so hard to be so close to him and know that the distance was deceiving. Pulling the kettle of the flames the first sign of whistling, Remus set it on the unused burned and doused the flames without looking him in the eye. "Tea's done..."
"Forget the tea, Moony, we need to talk." Lightly catching his chin, Sirius turned his face toward him so he could see his eyes. When he spoke his voice was low. "This dance isn't going to solve anything and stubbornly ignoring things do not make them go away."
"You think I don't know that?" Looking up into the eyes of his former lover, Remus narrowed his gaze before letting it drop back down to the counter. His voice grew softer as he spoke. "You think that I haven't run everything I would say to you in this situation over and over in my head until it hurt to try and find words? Do you think I've had any rest, any sleep since the last time I saw you walk out my door?"
Drawing in a deep breath he clenched his hands into fist, speaking as if to convince himself. "I had to realize that I didn't need you to rest, that I didn't need to find the words that eluded me. You were gone, Sirius. You left me, and I thought that you had chosen your path. I believed that you killed them, I had to believe it."
"You had no reason not to." Sirius' voice was soft, the commanding tone that always tinged his words gone. Catching sight of the darkness in his eyes, Remus ached to touch the sunken planes of his face or hold him. Instead he dug his nails into his palms, wincing at the pain as he looked deep into those dark eyes.
"I had every reason not to, can't you see that?" His voice rose, each word more painful than the next. " I condemned you to all that horror, I betrayed you to those monsters without saying a word. I left you, my first friend, the only love I've ever had. I'm a coward, Sirius. When I saw you that night at Hogwarts I felt the broken shards of my heart biting into me, drawing blood again. These sins of mine cannot be absolved, I've earned every black taint."
Silence blanketed the room for a moment and Remus felt his throat constrict as his words settled around them. Then it was broken, smashed and shattered by the low, earthy sound of Sirius Blacks laughter. A smile tugged at his lips as he watched the puzzled look on Remus' face as he brought his palm up to cup his cheek. "All that guilt. Moony, if I didn't know what an unholy beast you really are I'd of thought your inner Catholic had come out."
Shaking his head sadly, Remus pulled away from Sirius and absently pushed his shaggy hair out of his eyes. "I use to think that your laughter solved everything, did you know that? But we all have to grow up and lose our illusions, don't we."
With a sigh, he reached the threshold into the living room before turning back. "You can sleep down here, there's a spare bed right across the hall. There are towels and such in the bathroom and help yourself to anything to eat."
Raking his fingers through his tangled black hair, Sirius nodded. "Thanks for putting me up, Moony."
Remus nodded, a far away look in his eyes. "Goodnight Padfoot."
***
Part two to follow. -Dee
