SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN

WITH P. HEAD



Everything was trial and error at this point. Michelle had no map, no flashlight, nothing, save for her wits as she wandered the apartment complexes. It was quite creepy, and she jumped at every sound she heard. She had only been able to follow Pyramid Head up through the secret entrance from the underground catacombs, but after that, she lost him, leaving her alone in the building. Soon, she began finding bodies of strange creatures scattered on the floor, lying in spreading puddles of blood that emanated from massive wounds in the creature's heads. Michelle was certain that if she followed the trail of dead bodies, she would find him. She unfortunately ran into the wrong him.

James Sunderland was busy kicking a writhing mannequin on the ground, waving his chainsaw above his head like a macho psycho.

"Hmm, macho psycho…" Michelle thought, watching James scream 'Who's your daddy?' at the fallen creature. "That would make a good name for a band." She dropped the notion and decided to make her presence known to James in the hopes that trailing him would eventually lead to a run in with her dreamboat.

"Um, hello, James…" She cautiously crept around a corner.

"Wha--?!?! Who's there?!?!" James's adrenaline rush hadn't subsided yet, and Michelle's head was rudely and abruptly introduced to his plank. She fell to the ground immediately, and James rushed over and kicked her in the ribs.

"Ha ha! Take that, you hideous, uh, little girl?" James now realized the error of his mistake. He bent down to offer the fallen Pizza Slut a hand. She bit it.

"Do I really look like one of those things?!" she shouted. She could see that James had difficulty nodding his head 'no'. She got up off the floor and dusted herself off. Ignoring his rudeness, she decided to continue on with her plan. "Uh, look, James, I changed my mind. Maybe I do want to follow you around because…" she played into his ego. "I need a big, strong man to protect me from all of those things!"

"Ok. Can you carry stuff?"

"I have pockets in my aprons."

"Gee, you're swell!" he said, dumping several items from his pockets to hers. As he transferred his goods, a scream was heard north of there.

"Goddamn cock-sucking whore beast!!!"

Michelle instantly recognized the voice as that of her pointy-headed lust object.

Pyramid Head limped over to his space behind the bars, still cursing because he dropped the damn Great Knife on his foot. He left it propped up against a wall in the hallway and awaited James's arrival. He was now going to reveal himself, and as he stood beyond the bars, he struck his most evil and menacing pose. First, the crackling of the radio was heard, and then, a spot of light appeared at the end of the hallway. James was walking in his direction, but who was that he had with him? It looked like that little twerp! James and Michelle walked right up to the bars, staring right at Pyramid Head. He tried to remain fierce looking, but he couldn't help but sweat a little, looking at how Michelle was waving and smiling at him. He had even written a cool little speech to freak James out with, all about judging and butchering, and now he had forgotten the whole thing, just because of that little brat!

"You know that guy?" James squinted at P. Head in the darkness.

"No. No I don't." Michelle winked at P. Head.

"Wow…that's gotta be the fattest monster I've seen so far. Look at that gut!" James exclaimed. Pyramid Head was non-plussed, but nevertheless, he tried to inconspicuously suck up his beer belly.

"I think he's cute!" Michelle smiled at P. Head through the bars. Oh, swell! That's going to do wonders for his image! Big Bad P. Head, covered in blood, dealing out doom, and some little girl calls him "cute"! He hoped word didn't get around about this to the other pyramid heads. James made some stupid Tarzan yell and waved his chainsaw about, almost slicing Michelle in the head. Though it would do her good to get a little gored up, she was still Pyramid Head's meal ticket, and he wasn't that eager to loose her. Ok, maybe a little more eager after that "cute" comment…

"Well, looks like he's just going to stand there. Probably too fat to fit through the bars, or even outrun us!" James chortled. "Let's go into this nearby room. It was perfectly spotless a moment ago!" Of course, when they went into the room, Pyramid Head had set up a gruesome little scenario with some dead body in front of a TV. Michelle threw the body from its chair without hesitation and began fiddling with the set. In no time, she was able to tune in a fuzzy "Price is Right".

"Pull up a seat, James! I think they're going to play Plinko!" she exclaimed.

"Plinko? That's my favorite! I hope they play that yodeling game, too. I love that little man, when he goes up on the mountain…" James squealed. He sat on the coffee table next to her and broke open a six-pack of juice.

By the end of the program, they had drank all of the juice, though they had spilled quite a bit of it with their fanatical gestures, screaming at the people on the screen whom Bob Barker lured into his new-car-smelling clutches. When it was done, they decided to resume their journey.

With a key that they found, they broke into a new area of the apartment, the part that had been behind the bars previously. Michelle made sure to keep an eye out for that delicious P. Head. So far, she hadn't seen hide or hair of him, and she was getting worried. James unlocked a new apartment door and pushed Michelle in first, as a human shield. The apartment was alive with the sound of P. Head doing something to some mannequins. Michelle stood there in shock, but James pushed her into a closet instead of wisely backing away and running in the opposite direction. He wanted to get an eyeful of the action. James and Michelle watched in shock as Pyramid Head wrestled with the writhing mannequins in the small kitchen area.

"Orchestral maneuvers in the ground…"James whispered. "Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Michelle could only reply with a sniffle. What was he doing with those other women? Wasn't she enough for him? But suddenly, he twisted one with a violent movement, and it stopped jerking about, the life drained from it's misshapen body. He wasn't (how shall I delicately put this?) screwing them; he was just killing them in a very odd and suggestive manner. With one swift yank, he dragged the last living one out into the living room area. He threw it to the ground in front of him, and ripped the life from it without even laying one filthy finger on it. This display of power made Michelle weak in the knees.

"Oh, P. Head!" she moaned, a little louder than she had intended. James was too nervous his whereabouts were going to be discovered to be unnerved by her unholy attraction to this abomination. Pyramid Head let out a mournful, tired sigh. Slowly, he started walking towards their hiding place. Michelle could feel James quivering in fear beside her. Suddenly, Pyramid Head did something very odd; he put one hand up to his nose area as his other hand waved about in a mysterious manner. Before Michelle could figure out what he was doing, James popped a gun through the opening in the closet and began shooting at him. Michelle cried out in fear for Pyramid Head's life, but suddenly realized that the bullets were bouncing harmlessly off of him, and he was suffering from a powerful sneezing fit. Of course, James thought he was reacting to the bullets. James stopped shooting, Pyramid Head quit sneezing, and Michelle started breathing again. Pyramid Head began whistling Barnes and Barnes' "Fish Heads" and lurched out of the apartment.

"That was close!" James whispered.

"Jebus, I gotta pee. Do you gotta pee?" James asked. Michelle nodded. "Well, it seems like there's a bathroom downstairs by the pool. Hmm…there's also this trash shoot that leads down there…Say, would you come over here, just for a little while?" James ushered her into a room adjacent to a stairwell. It was small, since it was the laundry room. Michelle couldn't help but be a little unnerved with the way James was looking at her.

"Could you look down there and tell me if you see something stuck down there?" James asked. She leaned in a little to have a look, careful to keep her balance.

"It does look like there's something in there! I wonder what it is?" she squinted into the dark shoot. She felt James's hands firmly grip her ass as he shoved her down the shoot.

"See ya down there!" He called out, with a cackle. Michelle tumbled down through darkness, finally landing on a pile of trash. She had dislodged whatever was stuck down there with her face. She really didn't care what it was. She still had to pee. Maybe she could go in the pool! Who would care, anyways? As she picked her way towards the pool, she caught a glimpse of a very cute ass squeezing its way into the next apartment building over on the second floor. Pyramid Head! Maybe she could climb the fire escape and go after him. Right before she followed him, James jogged up to her.

"Hey, I found a toilet! It's full of puke, but it's still good as new!" he announced.

"No thank you, jerk off!" Michelle gave him a solid shove and ran away. "I know something you don't know!" Michelle taunted. And then, when she was sure she was far away enough to get away easily if he decided to follow, she added "About Mary, your dead wife!" just to torture him. The sound of James's screams and pleads accompanied her easy ascent into the neighboring apartment building. James grew silent, and it seemed he was busy dealing with the monsters in the mist.

After what seemed like hours, Michelle sincerely doubted she would ever get out of the apartments again. At least now she had a weapon. She ran into a troubled young lady named Angela, who was threatening suicide. Michelle sat down and had a good, long, productive talk with her, and she seemed to cheer up. In return, Angela gave her the knife she was going to slit her wrists with. They exchanged e-mail addresses, and then Michelle continued on. Now she really looked like Pyramid Head junior, with her little knife. Eventually, she came to another stairwell door, and when she jiggled the handle, to her surprise, there was a response in the form of a loud banging on the other end, plus a little missive about judging and doom.

"P. Head!" Michelle plaintively whined at the door. "I know it's you! Let me in!!!" she cried. Pyramid Head cracked the door, and then swung it all the way open irately staring down at Michelle. The Great Knife lay on the floor next to the stairs, which had been flooded with murky water for some odd reason.

"What are you doing here?!" he bellowed.

"I wanted to follow you so I could learn from example. This is a lot harder than you mentioned! I'm all tired out." She leaned up against a wall.

"You're all tired out? How are you ever going to follow in my footsteps if you can't even make it around an apartment complex without even dragging about the Great Knife?!" he sneered, brandishing the wonderful weapon.

"I have a knife now, too! It's the Not-So-Great Knife!" she giggled, whipping out the miniscule blade.

"You think you're so damn funny." Pyramid Head commented of her laughing fit.

"Well, you think you're so tough, giving some stupid speech about butchering and dooming and what not. I would refrain from saying any of that to James, you know. He'll just think you're dumber than he already figures you to be." She smirked.

"You didn't like my speech?" he sounded genuinely hurt. He had spent all weekend working it out!

"I think you should just be the strong silent type." She patted him on the shoulder.

"What would you know?" he muttered under his breath.

"I think you need a hug!" she squeaked, looking for an excuse to feel him up.

"I think you need a pyramid head hug!" he replied, opening his arms to her. If she had known what a pyramid head hug was, maybe she wouldn't have wanted it.

You would think that being in a town full of monsters would have broken James of his habit of entering rooms without checking what was in them first, or closing doors behind him without seeing if they locked from one side, but James wasn't the kind of man who learned quickly. When he entered the room, there stood his fearsome enemy giving a massive bear hug to that little brat that had followed him around earlier. Jiggling the handle to the door, he realized he was locked in with this gruesome scene. Might as well make the best of it!

"Pyramid Head! Not so hard! You're going to squeeze the pee out of me!" Michelle croaked, despite the fact she was being squeezed so fiercely.

"Heh heh heh…" P. Head laughed to himself.

"PYRAMID HEAD HAS A GIRLFRIEND!" James yelled. Pyramid Head dropped Michelle immediately.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" He roared in response, grabbing his Great Knife from the floor, lunging at James with uncontained malicious intent. Unfortunately, though the knife was really impressive, it slowed him down considerably. James ran circles around him, shooting him repeatedly in his impenetrable head.

"Fatty fatty fat fat!" James jeered. He wasn't prepared when Pyramid Head snatched him up by the throat and dangled him above the ground, violently shaking him.

"You're not exactly supermodel thin, are ya?!" P. Head laughed. Michelle ran up and stabbed James in the butt with her knife.

"OW! You too?" James whined from within P. Head's vice-like grip.

"That was for copping a cheap feel on my ass!" she sniffed.

"You touched her ass?" P. Head asked.

"Um…yeah…" James was sweating bullets.

"You're a braver man that I." P. Head tossed him to the ground.

"What are you, gay?" James tittered.

"What are you, sick? Just look at her!" Pyramid Head pointed to an indignant Michelle.

"Point taken."

"Take this point!" Pyramid Head resumed his attack, raising his Great Knife high over his head. Suddenly, an air raid siren sounded, filling the musty air of the small stairwell with its persistent and loud keening.

"Oh boy!" Pyramid Head exclaimed, abandoning his attack in mid-strike. "Happy hour!"

Without further explanation, Pyramid Head plunged into the waters and made his way downstairs. James and Michelle just stood there, stunned, as the remnants of his pointy head disappeared below the waves. After a few moments of shocked silence, the door at the bottom of the stairs must have opened, because the stairs immediately drained. Without another glance at James and his bleeding butt, Michelle dashed down the stairs, calling "Pyramid Head, wait for me!!!"