~*Ten*~
"It doesn't matter what I want,
It doesn't matter what I need…
Doesn't matter if I cry,
Don't matter if I bleed…"
-- Alison Krauss & Union Station
She performed a back handspring over the vault, landing squarely on her feet. She whirled, her body immediately falling into the fighting stance. She was ready to face whatever obstacle was ahead. Almost on second instinct, she blocked the punch that came towards her face. She struck out with her leg, moving to trip her opponent.
He anticipated this and jumped over her sweeping leg. He kicked out with his left leg as he came back towards the ground, catching her square in the chest. She stumbled back a few paces, but still held her ground.
Buffy whirled around, delivering a swift roundhouse kick followed by a sharp right jab. Her body hummed with life and adrenaline. Strands of her long, silky blond hair had fallen out from the originally very neat ponytail. She grinned as her strike hit its mark and Angel rolled with the blow.
He was up again within seconds. He struck out quickly with his left arm and then followed immediately by a sharp thrust with his right.
She moved to block his first hit but did not anticipate the second. She was caught off guard and took the hit in the shoulder. She could feel his body thrumming with exertion and strength. Her own body responded with its own frequency. Her muscles were relaxed and warmed up, humming with sweat and life. She quickly fell into a back walkover, kicking him twice in the chin as she came around for the recovery. Packing as much power she could into her jump, she pushed off the ground with her legs. Her body flowed directly into an aerial over his head, her legs flailing out dangerously. She landed almost immediately.
Angel whirled around to meet her. Before she could regain her footing, he struck at her with a side kick aimed at her stomach.
She turned, presenting the least amount of surface area to his attack as possible. She let out a small "oomph" but held her ground. She resumed the fighting stance and waited for his next move.
He watched her with a dark, intent gaze. His eyes revealed nothing of what his next move would be. He licked his lips slowly and then dropped to the floor, thrusting his leg out to trip her.
She jumped quickly, and then bent over, waiting until her hands touched the floor. She pushed off the ground with her fingers, blocking her shoulders strongly and snapping her legs over. She came out of the handspring and found herself facing Angel's back. Taking the opportunity, she kicked him viciously in the lower back.
Taken by surprise, he fell to the ground. Even before he could hit the floor, he twisted his body around so that he was facing upwards. He rolled several feet away from her, recovering to get back onto his feet.
Before he could get the chance, she was on top of him. Grabbing the nearest thing to her, which ended up being a water bottle, she moved in for the kill. She stopped with her hand positioned only inches away from his chest. She wielded the water bottle as if it were a stake. She was straddled over him, her legs pinning his down to the floor. Her free arm was thrust sharply against his shoulder, grinding it to the floor and preventing any attempt on his part to get up.
They were both breathing heavily. She was, because she needed to catch her breath. He was, just because he enjoyed the feeling air in his dead lungs. Buffy took in a few more gulps of air, a smirk passing over her expression. "I can still pin you." She said, letting herself be a little smug.
He grinned. He let his head fall back down to the mat and he chuckled, "Yes, you can… you're still pretty sharp."
"I should hope so!" She replied indignantly. She let up a little, flipping the water bottle over in her hand. She released his shoulder to use her other hand to unscrew the cap to the bottle. She took several long drinks before pulling the container away from her lips and recapping it. She looked at him from her position on top of him, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of having him under her power.
"You wanna let me up now?" He asked, crossing his arms over his broad chest.
She raised an eyebrow, cocking her head to one side in contemplation. "Well, I was thinking about it…" She replied sincerely, pursing her lips. "But now that you've asked… I think I'm quite comfortable having you under me." Immediately after the words slipped from her mouth, she felt the deep blush beginning to rise in her cheeks. She grabbed the water bottle again, taking another long drink, hoping that it would hide her embarrassment.
He didn't say anything. He only watched her with that same intent gaze, a half-smile pasted over his lips. She observed him from the corner of her eye. He lay complacently on the ground, his arms still crossed over his bared chest. His body felt cool and firm beneath her, attesting to his non-livelihood. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked at him and she forced her eyes off of his broad shoulders. She was very aware that he was staring at her, and it made her feel slightly self-conscious.
She tucked a few unruly strands of hair behind her ear and grinned at him, "All right, I'll let you go…" She finally said, rolling off of him. In one fluid motion, she was back on her feet and so was he. She set the water bottle down on the floor, pulling on her black tank top to readjust it. "You wanna go again?" She asked.
He shrugged, "Up to you. This is your training session."
She tore her eyes away from his tall figure and looked towards the balance beam, "I was thinking of working on some inner balance techniques."
"Sure." He walked towards the beam. On the way, he picked up his discarded shirt from the ground and slipped it over his head. Inwardly, she let out a sigh of relief… at least that was one less distraction for her. He laid one hand on the beam and half-turned to look at her.
She took a few quick steps towards the beam, using the momentum to spring her into her mount. She was on the beam within seconds, her legs straddled in a wolf position. She stood up, walking towards the end of the beam nonchalantly.
Once she reached the end, she kicked her leg up, falling into a backwards aerial. Her feet landed surely back onto the four-inch wide piece of equipment that she was working on. Angel stood back and watched her. He was just close enough to catch her if she lost her balance, but just far away enough that he wouldn't get in the way.
She twirled around on one leg, performing a 360. Then very slowly, she reached towards the beam. Her hands found the smooth surface immediately, grabbing onto it firmly. With as much control as she could muster, she slowly kicked her legs up. She put just enough force into the kick so that her legs would go up, but not too much so that she would go over. Gradually, her legs moved up until they were completely vertical. She made sure to square her shoulders to offer a sturdier support. She let her neck relax and her head hung loosely down. She closed her eyes, concentrating on the balance she had attained.
Her breathing slowed and she felt her heartbeat become more regular. She stayed in that position for several seconds. Finally, without a warning, she pushed off with her hands. She snapped the lower half of her body and arched it up and over the beam. Without even a second thought, her feet landed squarely on the mat below. She sighed, rolling her neck from side to side. She turned to look at her companion and found Angel observing her with her water bottle extended towards her with one arm.
"Not bad." He commented, leaning his back against the support offered by the beam.
She couldn't help but smile. Compliments about her training were very rare from him and it felt good to know that she hadn't slipped in the last few years. She could feel the blood pounding through her veins and to her head. Her body felt so free and relaxed, all of her muscles were thrumming from the workout. She sighed, also leaning back against the beam as she took the water bottle from his hand. "That was fun."
He nodded, "Frees up the spirit." He glanced at her, "Feel any better?"
Buffy hesitated, staring at the bottle in her hand. Slowly she nodded, "Yeah… much better."
He smiled, "That's good."
She returned his smile, feeling for the first time in months, like she was totally satisfied with her training for the day. Sparring with Angel had always been intense. He was arguably as strong as she was; he was a good match for her. They could second guess each other and anticipate what would come next, which provided an even greater challenge. When she sparred with him, she didn't hold anything back. She knew that he did the same for her. It wasn't the same as sparring with Giles… or when she had sparred with Riley. When she was with Angel, she had to give it her all, or else she would be defeated. Her body was perfectly attuned to his, and every little thing he did, from a twitch of his fingers to a movement of his eyebrow - she knew it and felt it. It was more of a dance than a fight. Sometimes, she would give, sometimes he would. They traded blows but also traded touches. All the while, in perfect harmony with one another.
It was the closest she could ever get to him. And it was the closest she ever let anyone else to her.
A deep sigh from him brought her out of her thoughts. She looked up sharply.
He was watching her again, and this time his eyes betrayed concern.
She smiled, folding her arms over her chest. "I'm good, Angel." She replied to his un-voiced question. "Thanks for the fight…"
He nodded silently, though he never removed his eyes from her.
She looked at the ground, putting her water bottle down next to the beam. She searched for something to talk about. "Um… how's the shoulder?" She finally asked, looking at him.
He raised an eyebrow, "It's fine." He replied, "I… I heal fast…"
She nodded, cutting him off by turning away from him. Those words brought with them a slew of unbidden memories – memories that she didn't need to be thinking about. She walked away from him towards the opposite wall. She put her palms flat up against the tiles and stretched. The silence behind was comforting but unnerved her slightly.
She could feel him moving behind her. She knew, even without turning around, that he had moved close to her.
"Buffy…" His voice was gentle and soft, "What's going on?"
She sighed, continuing to keep her back towards him. "I don't know, Angel. I don't. I wish I did." She stared at the wall in front of her, suddenly becoming very interested in the tiles. She tried to concentrate on their brownish-tannish color, and soon found them to be boring and useless.
"What do you mean?"
She shrugged, "I… I thought that I had everything figured out, you know? I thought that I had finished organizing all my emotions and thoughts into nice little labeled bins in my brain… And then… and then you come along. And you just throw all the bins on the floor and mix them all together. And now – now I don't know what to feel… cause you've torn off all my labels."
"I know…" He finally said, "It's—it's confusing…"
She turned to face him, "It's more than confusing…" She breathed, "It's unbearable."
A pained expression flickered over his face at her words and he looked away for a moment. For some reason, she had hit a mark. A strange sense of dejá vu flooded her mind but she ignored it. He swallowed slowly before looking back at her. He didn't say anything.
"But we have to bear right?" She finally responded for him, "Cause… that's just the way it is." She sidestepped him, walking back towards the center of the room and leaving him to face the wall. She picked up the water bottle again and began to finger it slowly. "I… I know I said we were going to leave the past behind in California." She shook her head, laughing with a short staccato, "But there are some things that just seem to keep following us around wherever we go." She closed her eyes, her hand clenching tightly against the beaten plastic of the bottle. "…And I'm so… sick of it."
"Buffy…"
She turned towards him, "Don't." She said, shaking her head, "Don't say my name like that – like you care…"
"I do care, Buffy!" He replied, walking towards her with long strides.
"No." She made her voice firm, "I can't do this, Angel. This has happened too many times already. It's just too hard."
"Don't you think that it's hard for me too?" He came to her, stepping in close to her. He was so near… all she had to do was lean in one more step and she would be touching him. "Just seeing you… seeing how you've grown and how you've matured. You… you fill me, Buffy. You overload my senses and you make my thoughts swim… you make me stutter and stumble – you always have, you always will."
She let out a shaky breath, trying to ignore all the feelings that were welling up inside of her from his words. "It doesn't matter." She replied steadily, "None of that matters – does it." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.
"Of course it does… I'm – I'm not asking for what we had, Buffy. I just want to be close to you, to talk to you, to confide in you… I'm here for you. You don't have to be alone."
"Yes…" Her voice was barely a whisper, "I do." She drew away from him. Very slowly, she turned and walked away. "I do." She closed her eyes and felt hot tears behind her eyelids, "Because… this can't ever work. It never has… it never will." She turned back to face him, her eyes capturing his. "Can you look at me, Angel, and tell me honestly and truthfully that when this is all over – when the bad guys are gone, and the fighting is done – after all that… can you tell me that you won't walk away? That you won't go back to LA and I won't go back to Sunnydale? Tell me that you won't leave again." She stared at him, reading his mind and his thoughts through his eyes. Her face was hard and impassive and her voice was flat and unemotional.
There was a tight moment of silence as the two former lovers stared the truth in the face.
Finally, he blinked slowly and swallowed. He looked away, taking a few steps back and away from her. A slow, dull, familiar pain began to spread in her chest but she ignored it. She watched as he withdrew from her. She wanted to stop him, wanted to reach out to him and grab him before he could take another step… but she knew that she couldn't.
"See…?" She could barely find her voice, and she was surprised that it wasn't wavering, "This is how it works with us. Nothing's changed. And there's nothing we can do about it."
He breathed deeply and she watched his chest rise for a moment and fall back. Finally, he nodded, "Yeah." His voice cracked, "I know. This is how it's gotta be."
She nodded, staring off at the wall to avoid looking at him, "We'll make it though… we will…. Cause we don't have any other choice." The tears were too close now. They threatened to fall any minute. She couldn't look at him. She knew that if she did, she'd only regret having done what she did. She knew that if she looked at him, she'd only see the pain and anguish that was already mirrored within her own heart.
So instead, she turned around. Willing her feet to move, she walked away from him. The moment she was out of his sight, she ran as far and as fast with all the strength she could muster. She didn't know where she was going… but the tears were hot and sticky as they trailed down her cheeks.
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