(After Credits, fade up to Quick Stop.)

Randal: (Off-screen) Clerks is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

(Cut to Randal walking past RST Video and into the Quick Stop.)

Randal: Goooood morning, Dante.

Dante: Hey, Randal.

Randal: Dante, if you would be so kind as to notice, I am perfectly on time
this morning.

Dante: (Looks at watch) Yeah... you are...

Randal: (Takes off hat) And, if you would also take note, I have dressed
appropriately for my working environment... My clothes were pressed
too.

Dante: I'm impressed, Randal. You're finally growing up and taking some
responsibility.

Randal: And now, if you'll excuse me... I have to go rent some videos to some
movie-starved customers.

(Randal starts to walk away as Dante's eyes widen and he reaches out
to grab Randal)

Dante: Hold on there a sec... What did you say?

Randal: I have to go open up the video store.

Dante: I have never heard those words out of your mouth before.

Randal: RST doesn't run itself, Dante.

Dante: That doesn't mean you've ever taken the initiative to run it.

Randal: I am a proud member of the RST Video workforce, and I take pride in
my position as a member of this reputable team.

Dante: No you don't, you hate it here. Once you even tried to make it run
itself... Remember? Your attempt to make RST the first fully automated
video store because you wanted to stay home all weekend and watch
the A-Team marathon.

Randal: Oh yeah.

(The screen becomes wavy as Randal flashes back to RST a few weeks
ago. He is at a huge computer screen, with a plug in his hand.)

Randal: Prepare, Dante. Once I plug this in, the entire video store will
become automated, making our lives much easier.

Dante: How will it make my life any easier?

Randal: Well, it can... you can type... watch this, Dante, and marvel at the
future. Here goes nothing... (Looks at the sky) I'll be home soon,
Mr. T.

(He plugs in the computer. An electronic face comes on the screen.)

Computer: Hel-lo. How may I serve you?

Randal: Computer, Run the video store while I go home.

Dante: Randal, shouldn't you test it first?

Randal: Okay! Jeeze! Computer, I am a single mother looking for a movie to
distract my 4-year old daughter for a couple of hours while I throw
myself at my date in a desperate attempt to self-allude myself into
thinking I have a social life again. What do you recommend?

Computer: Si-lence of the Lambs.

Randal: Works fine to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, Dirk Benedict and
George Peppard await. (He starts to leave.)

Dante: Randal, that made no sense. Try it again.

Randal: Fine. Computer, what is the greatest movie ever in your opinion?

Computer: Bat-man

Randal: It's fine...

Computer: ...and Rob-in.

Randal: This hideous abomination must DIE!!!!

(Randal grabs a sledgehammer as the screen gets wavy again and goes
back to Dante and Randal in the store.)

Randal: Well, it deserved that... rubber nipples, Dante! A super-villain won't
realistically take you serious if you have rubber nipples! Even if
that villain is Swarzenegger.

Dante: That wasn't my point. I was just saying that you never want to work
the video store. What makes today different from yesterday?

Randal: cyber_luv_4_u.

Dante: (after a few seconds) No thanks.

Randal: No, that's the name of my Internet girlfriend.

Dante: You're WHAT? You've never had a girlfriend before. You've never
even touched a computer. How did you...

(Suddenly Jay and Silent Bob enter the store.)

Jay: Snootch to the noonch, Clerks!

Dante: Get out.

Jay: Yooze guys can't throw us out. Me and Silent Bob here are paying
customers.

Dante: You two have never paid for anything once, that's why I repeatedly
kick you out.

Jay: One of these days Silent Bob and Me are going to take yooze serious
and not shop here.

Dante: Good. Now leave.

Jay: I don't have to do anything yooze say. This here is America and
that means I can stand anywherz I want. Snoogans.

Dante: Fine, but whatever you do don't stand outside.

Randal: No, please Jay, don't go outside...

Jay: (After some moments of thinking) ...I'm going to stand outside. Come
on Silent Bob, let's go. These feeble-minded Clerks are no match
for us.

Silent Bob: (nods.)

(Jay and Silent Bob leave.)

Randal: (Looks at the time.) Damn, all your skeptic views of my love life
has made me late for work. There goes my endeavor to change my work
ethic.

Dante: You're still earlier than you usually are, maybe you can...

Randal: (Puts hat back on) Nah, my moral is already crippled. It was a
stupid idea anyways.

Dante: But you said you were doing it for your girlfriend.

Randal: (Grabs an XXX magazine and leans on the counter, thumbing through
it.) Yeah, well, it's not like she knows me.

Dante: What do you mean she doesn't know you?

Randal: First of all she's my Internet girlfriend, not my girlfriend.

Dante: The difference being...

Randal: The difference being I can and have told her many things that are
not true in a brilliant attempt to impress her.

Dante: Uh-huh.

Randal: And, by the time I actually meet her, she will be so madly in love
with me that her body will ache Randal. And I can tell her the
truth.

Dante: That you're a clerk in a video store who's obsessed with making pop-
culture references and nudie magazines.

Randal: Exactly.

Dante: Randal, did it ever occur to you that...

(Suddenly, a big, tattooed man enters the quick stop with guns.)

Man: All right everybody freeze! I'm going to make this easy, gimme all
your money, and if it's not as much as I want, I'm going to shoot up
the place.

Dante: Uhhhhh...

Randal: I know, maybe if I close my eyes, this will go away...

(Closes his eyes, fade out to commercial.)