(Fade back in for commercial. Randal uncovers his eyes.)

Randal: Damn, I thought that would work.

Man: I'm giving you to the count of three... Then this place will have more
holes than Swiss cheese.

Dante: Randal, what do we do?

Randal: If that's the best analogy he can come up with, I say we ignore him.

Man: One...

Dante: Randal.

Randal: Hold on a sec.

Man: Two...

Dante: Randal!

Randal: I'm thinking.

Man: Three!

Dante: Oh, man! (Ducks behind counter.)

(Suddenly Jay opens the door wide and hits the Tattooed man in the head,
sending him to the floor, unconscious.)

Jay: Yooze guys may have fooled tubby earlier, but not me I ain't standing
outside no more.

Randal: Hey, I got it! We can... (Sees the guy on the floor.) Oh, nevermind.

Dante: Jay, you saved us!

Jay: Yeah, so what else is new? Gimme some smokes.

Dante: In a minute, we have to call the police.

Jay: Hey, clerk, we just asked for some smokes, we ain't holding you up or
nothin'.

Dante: No, not for you two, for the thief who was holding us up.

Jay: What thief?

Dante: The one you knocked out unconscious... (Looks to where the thief is, but
he's gone) over there...?

Randal: Wow, it's as if some sort of higher authority was eavesdropping on our
conversation and felt the tension was escalating to a peak that could not be
interrupted once reached. So they sent him in merely for the purpose of
delaying that climax for a couple of minutes. If I only knew who held
such a supremacy over us...

(UPN logo appears in bottom right corner with pop sound again.)

Dante: You watch too much X-Files.

Randal: Or, maybe they've been watching us, Scully.

Dante: Stop it.

Jay: Dude, yooze clerks are fruits.

(Jay and Silent Bob walk towards the back of the store.)

Dante: So anyways, as I was saying did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend
might be lying just as much to you as you are to her?

Randal: Nope.

Dante: Well, what did she tell you?

Randal: Her real name is Kitty, she's on vacation here in Leonardo and is looking
for a nice man to show her around town.

Dante: And I take it you're assuming the role of that nice man?

Randal: For the sake of this argument, yes.

Dante: What else do you know about her?

Randal: Well, she's incredibly hot and my perfect soul mate.

Dante: I thought you guys never met.

Randal: No, not yet; but, my inherent senses tell me she is. And my instincts are
never wrong.

Dante: Randal, you're instincts are always wrong.

Randal: Name one time.

Dante: I can name five, and that's just off the top of my head. Remember when
we went camping?

Randal: Yes I do...

(Screen starts to become wavy again. The scene changes to the woods)

Randal: (Exiting the tent) Alright, Dante, I pitched the tent and unpacked the
food... have you gotten the firewood yet?

(Cut to Dante, who is wearing a diaper and beating a cat on a piece of
wood on the ground.)

Dante: I'm the biggest idiot in the world. The woods not cutting and I haven't
noticed that I'm using a cat instead of a cutting apparatus.

Randal: Oh, Dante, I can't take you anywhere...

(Screen becomes wavy again, and the scene is back to the Quick Stop.)

Dante: I hate you.

Randal: Hate not the truth-bringer, only the truth.

Dante: That's not what happened at all... I'll show you why your instincts are
always bad.

Randal: Oh yeah? Show me...

Dante: I just said I would...

Randal: Oh, sorry...

(Screen becomes wavy again and scene changes to the woods again.)

Dante: (searching through his backpack) Hey Randal, where's the food?

Randal: It's hanging on the tree limb.

(He points up; the food is above him tied to a branch.)

Dante: Why?

Randal: Because that's how you keep it away from bears.

Dante: There are no bears here... it's just the back lot of the Quick Stop.

(Camera pans to the Quick Stop, which is just off screen.)

Randal: Yeah well, my instincts tell me there are bears around here... Which is
why I brought my gun... OH MY GOD A BEAR

(He shoots at something off-screen. Cut back to the Quick Stop counter.)

Randal: And I got me a bear, didn't I?

Dante: It wasn't a bear.

(Flashback to the woods. Dante and Randal approach a dying Smokey the
Bear.)

Dante: You... you killed Smokey the Bear.

Randal: He was attacking us... you saw it.

Dante: He was not...

Randal: Well then why'd you shoot him?

Dante: I... I didn't YOU DID.

Randal: Denial is the first sign of guilt, Dante.

Dante: But, you're holding the gun!

Randal: I don't see how that will hold up in court.

Smokey: (Gasping for air.) I... I just wanted... to remind you to... put out
your... campfire... (Dies.)

(Flash forward to the store.)

Dante: And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, you tried to take over his job.

(Flashback to a fire in the woods, with animals running all over the place.)

Randal: (In a ranger's outfit.) FIRE!!! Everyone remain calm. I'll just...

(He stares blank for a few moments.)

Randal: RUN!!!!! EVERY ANIMAL FOR ITSELF. (He shoves down a deer as he
runs off-screen, away from the flames.)

(Flashes forward to the Quick Stop again.)

Randal: That means nothing. Besides this is different, Kitty is not a man in a bear
suit.

Dante: Whatever, Randal, it's your life I suppose I can't always be there to pick
up the pieces for you.

Randal: That's right, you can't... so what time do you want to pick me up?

Dante: What?

Randal: Oh that's right, I forgot to tell you, we're going on a double date tonight...
your driving. Kitty said she's got a friend who wants to have a good time
too...

Dante: How could you do this to me?

Randal: Simple... I don't have a car... or a license... or a girlfriend... Sadly, I lost
all three things in the same day, remember?

Dante: I do...

(Flash back to a girl in Randal's driveway)

Girl: Randal, I'm leaving you... I'm taking your car and your license with
me... and your cat.

Randal: Okay. (Watching T.V.) Watch out Scooby, that the ghost's hand, not
Shaggy's!

(The girl drives away, flash forward to the Quick Stop)

Dante: You know, it sounds a lot more tragic just saying you lost your car, license
and girlfriend in the same night.

Randal: I forgot I had a cat. Well, no time to concern myself about Pussy Galore
now... I have a date to get ready for...

Dante: But you haven't opened the video store yet.

Randal: I've got more important things to think about now... besides I wouldn't
talk I'm not the one who went to work and wasted his morning talking.

Dante: I was talking to you... And that was because you didn't go to work today.

Randal: (Starts to walk towards the back, camera follows) Man, are you into
pointing fingers today. I'll be in the back changing for my date.

Dante: You have clothes back there?

Randal: Well, yeah. (Looks at the camera as he exits) Do you mind?

(Camera pans to Jay and Silent Bob)

Jay: I'm telling ya, Tubby... Those two clerks are in love with each other an'
I'm not talking Han and Chewie love... I mean full on Bert and Ernie.

Silent Bob: (Shakes Head)

Jay: Man, I'll bet yooze $10.

(Pan back to Randal)

Randal: Oh, Dante, don't forget to be ready at 8 for our date.

(Pans back to Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob pulls a ten out of his pocket
and hands it to Jay. Fade out to commercial.)