(Fade back in for commercial. Randal uncovers his eyes.)
Randal: Damn, I thought that would work.
Man: I'm giving you to the count of three... Then this place will have more
holes than Swiss cheese.
Dante: Randal, what do we do?
Randal: If that's the best analogy he can come up with, I say we ignore him.
Man: One...
Dante: Randal.
Randal: Hold on a sec.
Man: Two...
Dante: Randal!
Randal: I'm thinking.
Man: Three!
Dante: Oh, man! (Ducks behind counter.)
(Suddenly Jay opens the door wide and hits the Tattooed man in the head,
sending him to the floor, unconscious.)
Jay: Yooze guys may have fooled tubby earlier, but not me I ain't standing
outside no more.
Randal: Hey, I got it! We can... (Sees the guy on the floor.) Oh, nevermind.
Dante: Jay, you saved us!
Jay: Yeah, so what else is new? Gimme some smokes.
Dante: In a minute, we have to call the police.
Jay: Hey, clerk, we just asked for some smokes, we ain't holding you up or
nothin'.
Dante: No, not for you two, for the thief who was holding us up.
Jay: What thief?
Dante: The one you knocked out unconscious... (Looks to where the thief is, but
he's gone) over there...?
Randal: Wow, it's as if some sort of higher authority was eavesdropping on our
conversation and felt the tension was escalating to a peak that could not be
interrupted once reached. So they sent him in merely for the purpose of
delaying that climax for a couple of minutes. If I only knew who held
such a supremacy over us...
(UPN logo appears in bottom right corner with pop sound again.)
Dante: You watch too much X-Files.
Randal: Or, maybe they've been watching us, Scully.
Dante: Stop it.
Jay: Dude, yooze clerks are fruits.
(Jay and Silent Bob walk towards the back of the store.)
Dante: So anyways, as I was saying did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend
might be lying just as much to you as you are to her?
Randal: Nope.
Dante: Well, what did she tell you?
Randal: Her real name is Kitty, she's on vacation here in Leonardo and is looking
for a nice man to show her around town.
Dante: And I take it you're assuming the role of that nice man?
Randal: For the sake of this argument, yes.
Dante: What else do you know about her?
Randal: Well, she's incredibly hot and my perfect soul mate.
Dante: I thought you guys never met.
Randal: No, not yet; but, my inherent senses tell me she is. And my instincts are
never wrong.
Dante: Randal, you're instincts are always wrong.
Randal: Name one time.
Dante: I can name five, and that's just off the top of my head. Remember when
we went camping?
Randal: Yes I do...
(Screen starts to become wavy again. The scene changes to the woods)
Randal: (Exiting the tent) Alright, Dante, I pitched the tent and unpacked the
food... have you gotten the firewood yet?
(Cut to Dante, who is wearing a diaper and beating a cat on a piece of
wood on the ground.)
Dante: I'm the biggest idiot in the world. The woods not cutting and I haven't
noticed that I'm using a cat instead of a cutting apparatus.
Randal: Oh, Dante, I can't take you anywhere...
(Screen becomes wavy again, and the scene is back to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: I hate you.
Randal: Hate not the truth-bringer, only the truth.
Dante: That's not what happened at all... I'll show you why your instincts are
always bad.
Randal: Oh yeah? Show me...
Dante: I just said I would...
Randal: Oh, sorry...
(Screen becomes wavy again and scene changes to the woods again.)
Dante: (searching through his backpack) Hey Randal, where's the food?
Randal: It's hanging on the tree limb.
(He points up; the food is above him tied to a branch.)
Dante: Why?
Randal: Because that's how you keep it away from bears.
Dante: There are no bears here... it's just the back lot of the Quick Stop.
(Camera pans to the Quick Stop, which is just off screen.)
Randal: Yeah well, my instincts tell me there are bears around here... Which is
why I brought my gun... OH MY GOD A BEAR
(He shoots at something off-screen. Cut back to the Quick Stop counter.)
Randal: And I got me a bear, didn't I?
Dante: It wasn't a bear.
(Flashback to the woods. Dante and Randal approach a dying Smokey the
Bear.)
Dante: You... you killed Smokey the Bear.
Randal: He was attacking us... you saw it.
Dante: He was not...
Randal: Well then why'd you shoot him?
Dante: I... I didn't YOU DID.
Randal: Denial is the first sign of guilt, Dante.
Dante: But, you're holding the gun!
Randal: I don't see how that will hold up in court.
Smokey: (Gasping for air.) I... I just wanted... to remind you to... put out
your... campfire... (Dies.)
(Flash forward to the store.)
Dante: And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, you tried to take over his job.
(Flashback to a fire in the woods, with animals running all over the place.)
Randal: (In a ranger's outfit.) FIRE!!! Everyone remain calm. I'll just...
(He stares blank for a few moments.)
Randal: RUN!!!!! EVERY ANIMAL FOR ITSELF. (He shoves down a deer as he
runs off-screen, away from the flames.)
(Flashes forward to the Quick Stop again.)
Randal: That means nothing. Besides this is different, Kitty is not a man in a bear
suit.
Dante: Whatever, Randal, it's your life I suppose I can't always be there to pick
up the pieces for you.
Randal: That's right, you can't... so what time do you want to pick me up?
Dante: What?
Randal: Oh that's right, I forgot to tell you, we're going on a double date tonight...
your driving. Kitty said she's got a friend who wants to have a good time
too...
Dante: How could you do this to me?
Randal: Simple... I don't have a car... or a license... or a girlfriend... Sadly, I lost
all three things in the same day, remember?
Dante: I do...
(Flash back to a girl in Randal's driveway)
Girl: Randal, I'm leaving you... I'm taking your car and your license with
me... and your cat.
Randal: Okay. (Watching T.V.) Watch out Scooby, that the ghost's hand, not
Shaggy's!
(The girl drives away, flash forward to the Quick Stop)
Dante: You know, it sounds a lot more tragic just saying you lost your car, license
and girlfriend in the same night.
Randal: I forgot I had a cat. Well, no time to concern myself about Pussy Galore
now... I have a date to get ready for...
Dante: But you haven't opened the video store yet.
Randal: I've got more important things to think about now... besides I wouldn't
talk I'm not the one who went to work and wasted his morning talking.
Dante: I was talking to you... And that was because you didn't go to work today.
Randal: (Starts to walk towards the back, camera follows) Man, are you into
pointing fingers today. I'll be in the back changing for my date.
Dante: You have clothes back there?
Randal: Well, yeah. (Looks at the camera as he exits) Do you mind?
(Camera pans to Jay and Silent Bob)
Jay: I'm telling ya, Tubby... Those two clerks are in love with each other an'
I'm not talking Han and Chewie love... I mean full on Bert and Ernie.
Silent Bob: (Shakes Head)
Jay: Man, I'll bet yooze $10.
(Pan back to Randal)
Randal: Oh, Dante, don't forget to be ready at 8 for our date.
(Pans back to Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob pulls a ten out of his pocket
and hands it to Jay. Fade out to commercial.)
Randal: Damn, I thought that would work.
Man: I'm giving you to the count of three... Then this place will have more
holes than Swiss cheese.
Dante: Randal, what do we do?
Randal: If that's the best analogy he can come up with, I say we ignore him.
Man: One...
Dante: Randal.
Randal: Hold on a sec.
Man: Two...
Dante: Randal!
Randal: I'm thinking.
Man: Three!
Dante: Oh, man! (Ducks behind counter.)
(Suddenly Jay opens the door wide and hits the Tattooed man in the head,
sending him to the floor, unconscious.)
Jay: Yooze guys may have fooled tubby earlier, but not me I ain't standing
outside no more.
Randal: Hey, I got it! We can... (Sees the guy on the floor.) Oh, nevermind.
Dante: Jay, you saved us!
Jay: Yeah, so what else is new? Gimme some smokes.
Dante: In a minute, we have to call the police.
Jay: Hey, clerk, we just asked for some smokes, we ain't holding you up or
nothin'.
Dante: No, not for you two, for the thief who was holding us up.
Jay: What thief?
Dante: The one you knocked out unconscious... (Looks to where the thief is, but
he's gone) over there...?
Randal: Wow, it's as if some sort of higher authority was eavesdropping on our
conversation and felt the tension was escalating to a peak that could not be
interrupted once reached. So they sent him in merely for the purpose of
delaying that climax for a couple of minutes. If I only knew who held
such a supremacy over us...
(UPN logo appears in bottom right corner with pop sound again.)
Dante: You watch too much X-Files.
Randal: Or, maybe they've been watching us, Scully.
Dante: Stop it.
Jay: Dude, yooze clerks are fruits.
(Jay and Silent Bob walk towards the back of the store.)
Dante: So anyways, as I was saying did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend
might be lying just as much to you as you are to her?
Randal: Nope.
Dante: Well, what did she tell you?
Randal: Her real name is Kitty, she's on vacation here in Leonardo and is looking
for a nice man to show her around town.
Dante: And I take it you're assuming the role of that nice man?
Randal: For the sake of this argument, yes.
Dante: What else do you know about her?
Randal: Well, she's incredibly hot and my perfect soul mate.
Dante: I thought you guys never met.
Randal: No, not yet; but, my inherent senses tell me she is. And my instincts are
never wrong.
Dante: Randal, you're instincts are always wrong.
Randal: Name one time.
Dante: I can name five, and that's just off the top of my head. Remember when
we went camping?
Randal: Yes I do...
(Screen starts to become wavy again. The scene changes to the woods)
Randal: (Exiting the tent) Alright, Dante, I pitched the tent and unpacked the
food... have you gotten the firewood yet?
(Cut to Dante, who is wearing a diaper and beating a cat on a piece of
wood on the ground.)
Dante: I'm the biggest idiot in the world. The woods not cutting and I haven't
noticed that I'm using a cat instead of a cutting apparatus.
Randal: Oh, Dante, I can't take you anywhere...
(Screen becomes wavy again, and the scene is back to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: I hate you.
Randal: Hate not the truth-bringer, only the truth.
Dante: That's not what happened at all... I'll show you why your instincts are
always bad.
Randal: Oh yeah? Show me...
Dante: I just said I would...
Randal: Oh, sorry...
(Screen becomes wavy again and scene changes to the woods again.)
Dante: (searching through his backpack) Hey Randal, where's the food?
Randal: It's hanging on the tree limb.
(He points up; the food is above him tied to a branch.)
Dante: Why?
Randal: Because that's how you keep it away from bears.
Dante: There are no bears here... it's just the back lot of the Quick Stop.
(Camera pans to the Quick Stop, which is just off screen.)
Randal: Yeah well, my instincts tell me there are bears around here... Which is
why I brought my gun... OH MY GOD A BEAR
(He shoots at something off-screen. Cut back to the Quick Stop counter.)
Randal: And I got me a bear, didn't I?
Dante: It wasn't a bear.
(Flashback to the woods. Dante and Randal approach a dying Smokey the
Bear.)
Dante: You... you killed Smokey the Bear.
Randal: He was attacking us... you saw it.
Dante: He was not...
Randal: Well then why'd you shoot him?
Dante: I... I didn't YOU DID.
Randal: Denial is the first sign of guilt, Dante.
Dante: But, you're holding the gun!
Randal: I don't see how that will hold up in court.
Smokey: (Gasping for air.) I... I just wanted... to remind you to... put out
your... campfire... (Dies.)
(Flash forward to the store.)
Dante: And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, you tried to take over his job.
(Flashback to a fire in the woods, with animals running all over the place.)
Randal: (In a ranger's outfit.) FIRE!!! Everyone remain calm. I'll just...
(He stares blank for a few moments.)
Randal: RUN!!!!! EVERY ANIMAL FOR ITSELF. (He shoves down a deer as he
runs off-screen, away from the flames.)
(Flashes forward to the Quick Stop again.)
Randal: That means nothing. Besides this is different, Kitty is not a man in a bear
suit.
Dante: Whatever, Randal, it's your life I suppose I can't always be there to pick
up the pieces for you.
Randal: That's right, you can't... so what time do you want to pick me up?
Dante: What?
Randal: Oh that's right, I forgot to tell you, we're going on a double date tonight...
your driving. Kitty said she's got a friend who wants to have a good time
too...
Dante: How could you do this to me?
Randal: Simple... I don't have a car... or a license... or a girlfriend... Sadly, I lost
all three things in the same day, remember?
Dante: I do...
(Flash back to a girl in Randal's driveway)
Girl: Randal, I'm leaving you... I'm taking your car and your license with
me... and your cat.
Randal: Okay. (Watching T.V.) Watch out Scooby, that the ghost's hand, not
Shaggy's!
(The girl drives away, flash forward to the Quick Stop)
Dante: You know, it sounds a lot more tragic just saying you lost your car, license
and girlfriend in the same night.
Randal: I forgot I had a cat. Well, no time to concern myself about Pussy Galore
now... I have a date to get ready for...
Dante: But you haven't opened the video store yet.
Randal: I've got more important things to think about now... besides I wouldn't
talk I'm not the one who went to work and wasted his morning talking.
Dante: I was talking to you... And that was because you didn't go to work today.
Randal: (Starts to walk towards the back, camera follows) Man, are you into
pointing fingers today. I'll be in the back changing for my date.
Dante: You have clothes back there?
Randal: Well, yeah. (Looks at the camera as he exits) Do you mind?
(Camera pans to Jay and Silent Bob)
Jay: I'm telling ya, Tubby... Those two clerks are in love with each other an'
I'm not talking Han and Chewie love... I mean full on Bert and Ernie.
Silent Bob: (Shakes Head)
Jay: Man, I'll bet yooze $10.
(Pan back to Randal)
Randal: Oh, Dante, don't forget to be ready at 8 for our date.
(Pans back to Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob pulls a ten out of his pocket
and hands it to Jay. Fade out to commercial.)
