(Fade back from commercial. Randal comes out of the back whistling and dressed in a
tuxedo.)
Randal: You're not going to La Fours' dressed like that are you? I want to make a good
impression on our dates...
Dante: You never said we were going to La Fours'... that's the most exclusive restaurant in
town... how did you get a reservation?
Randal: (Reading another XXX magazine) Huh? Oh I didn't... they don't care as long as I tell
them who I am. Oh yeah, if anyone asks, my name is Leonardo Leonardo.
Dante: Well I guess I could stop by Toni's Tux on the way home to shower if I close a little early
and...
Randal: A little early? You'd be closing a whole 12 hours early!
Dante: What do you mean? We close at 7 today.
Randal: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you Boss called.
Dante: I didn't hear anything.
Randal: He called on the phone in the back.
Dante: We have a phone in the back?
Randal: Yeah, I answered it while I was in the shower.
Dante: You had a shower in the BACK?
Randal: Well I'm only going on the most important date in my life, Dante. Of course I need to
shower before I go. Man, how you ever got a girl like Caitlin without knowing that, I'll
never know.
Dante: No that's not what I meant... I mean, Oh never mind... What did the boss say?
Randal: Oh yeah he said he's keeping the store open all night, so its up to you to cover the shift.
Dante: What!?! Did he say why he's keeping it open?.
Randal: Yeah, something about there not being enough plot. So we're getting a shipment of
something or other tonight.
Dante: Great now I can't even go on the date, let alone get a tux.
Randal: I thought you didn't even want to go on this date...
Dante: Oh, yeah... Why should I care? This was your big night, not mine.
Randal: Oh yeah... (Puts Magazine down) Don't worry Dante, I'll take care of everything: the tux
the shift, the shipment... everything. In five minutes we'll be in the car driving to La
Fours'.
(Screen flips to them driving to the restaurant. Dante is dressed as Dracula and driving.
The screen reads "Five Minutes Later")
Dante: Is this even a tux?
Randal: Of course it is Dante, Dracula always wears a tux.
Dante: (Grabs the cape.) Well did it have to come with a cape?
Randal: What's Dracula without his cape, Dante?
Dante: A guy in a tux...which is what I'm trying TO BE! Honestly Randal, I wonder if you even
realize what you're doing half the time you do it.
Randal: Yeah, yeah we all wonder about things Dante... like me... I wonder why you won't put on
your fangs.
Dante: Because I'm NOT A VAMPIRE!!
Randal: Not with THAT attitude, you're not.
Dante: (Makes like he's going to hit Randal, but calms down) Well, except for the tuxedo, you
did take care everything... who did you get to cover my shift anyways? I at least hope
they know what they're doing.
Randal: You know Dante, that's your problem... you assume you have a job no one else can
comprehend. You're a clerk damn it. A trained chimp could do both our jobs and be
payed in bananas... BANANAS, DANTE!
(Randal sits back in silence for a few seconds.)
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Hmm?
Dante: You didn't pay a chimp bananas to run the store did you?
Randal: Oh course not. What makes you say that?
Dante: What about that time you tried to pass a monkey off as yourself?
(Flashback to Dante and Randal at the Quick Stop. Dante is slumped over bored and
Randal is covered by a newspaper so only his hat is showing.)
Dante: I swear, Randal, I'm not going out with Caitlin anymore. I'm through. She can crawl on
her hands and knees back to me and beg me with out a stitch of clothing on and I still
wouldn't... are you listening to me?
Randal: (With out moving the paper) Ooo-Ooo
Dante: Randal? You ok?
Randal: Ah-Ah!
(Dante removes the paper to reveal a monkey with Randal's hat. Dante jumps and the
monkey points to a banana.)
Dante: No, you can't have a banana.
(Monkey jumps in anger, Dante grabs the monkey and stashes it below.)
Dante: Oh no hide, here comes the boss.
(Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes enters.)
Klink: Dante, what is all the racket?
Dante: Nothing, Boss.
Klink: Where did the banana's go?
(Camera pans to where the bananas were and they are gone.)
Dante: Uh...
Monkey: OOO-OOO AHH-AHH
Klink: What the devil was that?
(Monkey pops out and throws brown goo at Klink.)
Klink: (Shaking his fist in the air) Daaannteeee!
(Flash forward to the car.)
Randal: ...and it turned out it was chocolate pudding... once.
Dante: Hey... I was telling this story, not you. And, Colonel Klink never owned the Quick Stop.
Randal: Ah, all you ever do is complain, Dante. The monkey threw feces, the Colonel was never
there... man, when will you grow up?
Dante: I hate you.
(Silence for another few seconds.)
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Hmm?
Dante: Who did you get to run the store?
Randal: What does it matter Dante? I said I took care of it.
Dante: I guess it doesn't matter. I mean, as long as they know to keep Jay and Silent Bob out of
the store, right?
Randal: Uh... yeah...
(Cut to Quick Stop. Jay and Silent Bob are behind the counter looking vacant towards
the camera.)
Jay: Yo, are we in charge of the store Silent Bob?
Silent Bob: (nods)
(Jay takes a few seconds to think about that.)
Jay: Why ain't we got no costumers?
Silent Bob: (shrugs)
(Jay sticks his head out the door and looks outside.)
Jay: Hey all yooze people, why ain't yooze in here? Yooze right there, yooze better come in here
or I'm gonna break your mutha's skull. Hey where're yooze going?
(Jay looks back to Bob.)
Jay: I don't get it... (Looks at the door. The "closed" sign is facing him) Hey I got it... them guys
think we ain't open (Turns sign so "open" is facing the inside).
(Bob sighs and walks over to Jay, shakes his head, turns the sign over again, and points to
the sign)
Jay: Hey what yooze think your doing? We're 'posed to be working here, fatso...
(Jay turns sign over again. Bob smacks himself in the forehead. Cut back to Randal and
Dante getting out of the car in front of a restaurant with a neon sign reading "La Fours".)
Randal: Now, don't forget... This girl means everything to me.
Dante: You haven't met her.
Randal: But Dante! She's fun, she's sweet, she's intelligent. Dare I say it, I love this girl...
(Pauses for a second)
Randal: ...as long as she's not fat.
Dante: Strong words, my friend.
Randal: Well, Kitty makes it easy to commit to. She's the kind of girl you want a lasting
relationship with. Oh by the way, did I mention to call me Dr. Randal?
Dante: What? I can't believe you lied to her like that.
Randal: Hey, your one to talk... I'm no the one who's claiming to be the king of England.
Dante: What? England doesn't have a king, it has a queen.
Randal: And to think, I defended you when people called you gay.
Dante: I'm not lying to any girl.
Randal: Fine, ruin the evening. (sighs)
Dante: Lets just get this over with.
(Fades to a scene inside. Leonardo Leonardo is with his publicist, talking to the owner, La
Fours who is behind a podium.)
Leonardo: How dare you tell me I can't have table. Do you realize who I am? I am Leonardo
Leonardo, the wealthiest man in New Jersey!
(Dante and Randal enter.)
La Fours: No your not, he is... (To Randal) Usual table Mr. Leonardo?
Randal: Actually we're here to meet some friends of mine...
La Fours: Friends?
Randal: Yes, girls...
La Fours: Ah, yes I remember them... they are....
(Cut to a Camera swaying between a scene filled with pairs of women sitting at tables..
Each time a new pair is revealed, a quick cut back to Dante and Randal shows thier
reactions: ugly, fat, looks like a dog in drag, then finally, it sets on a table with one
attractive, collage-aged redhead)
La Fours: ... right there...
(They look at each other and shrug as the approach they pass Leonardo)
Leonardo: (Clasps his hands together) Well played...clerks.
(They reach the table.)
Randal: Uh... Kitty?
Kitty: Randal?
Randal: Uh.. Yeah..
Kitty: Dr. Randal?
Randal: (Whispers to Dante) She calls me that cause I'm the doctor of love.
Dante: (Whispers back) No... she calls you that because you told her you were a doctor.
Randal: (Back to Dante) .. of love.
Kitty: And I suppose this is his highness?
Dante: Uh actually it's Dante and I'm not a king... I'm uh...
Kitty: You're what?
Dante: I'm... (Looks at his cape, covers himself like Dracula) ...a count.
Kitty: Oh... well your date had to powder her nose. She'll be here in a moment.
Randal: That means she's in the bathroom.
Dante: In know what that means.
Kitty: So Randal, I'm so glad that I finally get meet you, though I feel like I know you already.
Tell me, what happened to that dying boy you were taking care of?
Dante: (Covers his eyes in disbelief) Oh God.
Randal: Yes.. that's right Dante, he went to God. But lets not talk about that, as you can see it
upsets Count Dante.
Caitlin: (From off screen) DANTE!?!
Dante: Caitlin?
(Caitlin enters the scene)
Caitlin: Dante is my date?
Kitty: You know each other?
Caitlin: This is THE Dante.. the one I dated.
Kitty: The Design Major
Caitlin: No
Kitty: The Painter?
Caitlin: No
Kitty: the OTHER Painter?
Caitlin: No
Kitty: The.. no that was Rick Darris
Dante: (getting mad) I'm THE BOYFRIEND! THE ONE SHE WAS ACTUALLY DATING!
Kitty: You dated the Count of England?
Caitlin: He's not a Count... and that's his sidekick Randal.
Kitty: But he is a doctor...
Caitlin: No.
Randal: I am a doctor, and my diagnosis is (points to Caitlin) that lady is crazy.
Kitty: I can't believe this is happening! This was supposed to be our special night.
(Kitty runs outside, crying. Randal gets up and looks at Caitlin)
Randal: (slow and coldly) I hope Dante dates you, so that he will never sleep with you again.
(Randal chases after Kitty. Scene changes to outside Randal catches up with a crying
Kitty.)
Kitty: (sniff) Just...tell me the truth.
Randal: Alright... I don't want to start the relationship on a lie..
(Pauses a moment.)
Randal: I'm... I'm not a Doctor.
Kitty: I know that! I mean what else did you lie about?
Randal: Nothing, I swear.
Kitty: How can I tell you're not lying this time. How can I ever trust you?
Randal: Well, I did mean it when I said that I enjoyed talking to you, and that no one ever
understood me like you do.
Kitty: Really?
Randal: And that I really wanted to meet you.
Kitty: Yeah?
Randal: And that I think you could be the only one for me.
(Silence for a moment)
Kitty: No more lies?
Randal: Of course not.
(She smiles, then hugs Randal.)
Kitty: So... what do you really do for a living?
Randal: Well...
(Cut to the next day at the Quick Stop. Dante and Randal are in their standard two-shot.)
Dante: ...So, she left last night?
Randal: (Fingering through an XXX magazine) Yup.
Dante: Didn't say why?
Randal: Nope.
Dante: You ever going to see her again?
Randal: Probably not. You and Caitlin dating again?
Dante: Yup.
Randal: She cheat on you yet?
Dante: Only twice.
Randal: Wow, she must really be giving it a shot this time.
Dante: You know it's hard to see, but there is an important moral to this story...
Randal: Really? After all we went though, we can actually walk away with something that can
better our lives in the long run? Do tell, Dante...
Dante: Well its just that...
(Quick fade to next scene...)
tuxedo.)
Randal: You're not going to La Fours' dressed like that are you? I want to make a good
impression on our dates...
Dante: You never said we were going to La Fours'... that's the most exclusive restaurant in
town... how did you get a reservation?
Randal: (Reading another XXX magazine) Huh? Oh I didn't... they don't care as long as I tell
them who I am. Oh yeah, if anyone asks, my name is Leonardo Leonardo.
Dante: Well I guess I could stop by Toni's Tux on the way home to shower if I close a little early
and...
Randal: A little early? You'd be closing a whole 12 hours early!
Dante: What do you mean? We close at 7 today.
Randal: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you Boss called.
Dante: I didn't hear anything.
Randal: He called on the phone in the back.
Dante: We have a phone in the back?
Randal: Yeah, I answered it while I was in the shower.
Dante: You had a shower in the BACK?
Randal: Well I'm only going on the most important date in my life, Dante. Of course I need to
shower before I go. Man, how you ever got a girl like Caitlin without knowing that, I'll
never know.
Dante: No that's not what I meant... I mean, Oh never mind... What did the boss say?
Randal: Oh yeah he said he's keeping the store open all night, so its up to you to cover the shift.
Dante: What!?! Did he say why he's keeping it open?.
Randal: Yeah, something about there not being enough plot. So we're getting a shipment of
something or other tonight.
Dante: Great now I can't even go on the date, let alone get a tux.
Randal: I thought you didn't even want to go on this date...
Dante: Oh, yeah... Why should I care? This was your big night, not mine.
Randal: Oh yeah... (Puts Magazine down) Don't worry Dante, I'll take care of everything: the tux
the shift, the shipment... everything. In five minutes we'll be in the car driving to La
Fours'.
(Screen flips to them driving to the restaurant. Dante is dressed as Dracula and driving.
The screen reads "Five Minutes Later")
Dante: Is this even a tux?
Randal: Of course it is Dante, Dracula always wears a tux.
Dante: (Grabs the cape.) Well did it have to come with a cape?
Randal: What's Dracula without his cape, Dante?
Dante: A guy in a tux...which is what I'm trying TO BE! Honestly Randal, I wonder if you even
realize what you're doing half the time you do it.
Randal: Yeah, yeah we all wonder about things Dante... like me... I wonder why you won't put on
your fangs.
Dante: Because I'm NOT A VAMPIRE!!
Randal: Not with THAT attitude, you're not.
Dante: (Makes like he's going to hit Randal, but calms down) Well, except for the tuxedo, you
did take care everything... who did you get to cover my shift anyways? I at least hope
they know what they're doing.
Randal: You know Dante, that's your problem... you assume you have a job no one else can
comprehend. You're a clerk damn it. A trained chimp could do both our jobs and be
payed in bananas... BANANAS, DANTE!
(Randal sits back in silence for a few seconds.)
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Hmm?
Dante: You didn't pay a chimp bananas to run the store did you?
Randal: Oh course not. What makes you say that?
Dante: What about that time you tried to pass a monkey off as yourself?
(Flashback to Dante and Randal at the Quick Stop. Dante is slumped over bored and
Randal is covered by a newspaper so only his hat is showing.)
Dante: I swear, Randal, I'm not going out with Caitlin anymore. I'm through. She can crawl on
her hands and knees back to me and beg me with out a stitch of clothing on and I still
wouldn't... are you listening to me?
Randal: (With out moving the paper) Ooo-Ooo
Dante: Randal? You ok?
Randal: Ah-Ah!
(Dante removes the paper to reveal a monkey with Randal's hat. Dante jumps and the
monkey points to a banana.)
Dante: No, you can't have a banana.
(Monkey jumps in anger, Dante grabs the monkey and stashes it below.)
Dante: Oh no hide, here comes the boss.
(Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes enters.)
Klink: Dante, what is all the racket?
Dante: Nothing, Boss.
Klink: Where did the banana's go?
(Camera pans to where the bananas were and they are gone.)
Dante: Uh...
Monkey: OOO-OOO AHH-AHH
Klink: What the devil was that?
(Monkey pops out and throws brown goo at Klink.)
Klink: (Shaking his fist in the air) Daaannteeee!
(Flash forward to the car.)
Randal: ...and it turned out it was chocolate pudding... once.
Dante: Hey... I was telling this story, not you. And, Colonel Klink never owned the Quick Stop.
Randal: Ah, all you ever do is complain, Dante. The monkey threw feces, the Colonel was never
there... man, when will you grow up?
Dante: I hate you.
(Silence for another few seconds.)
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Hmm?
Dante: Who did you get to run the store?
Randal: What does it matter Dante? I said I took care of it.
Dante: I guess it doesn't matter. I mean, as long as they know to keep Jay and Silent Bob out of
the store, right?
Randal: Uh... yeah...
(Cut to Quick Stop. Jay and Silent Bob are behind the counter looking vacant towards
the camera.)
Jay: Yo, are we in charge of the store Silent Bob?
Silent Bob: (nods)
(Jay takes a few seconds to think about that.)
Jay: Why ain't we got no costumers?
Silent Bob: (shrugs)
(Jay sticks his head out the door and looks outside.)
Jay: Hey all yooze people, why ain't yooze in here? Yooze right there, yooze better come in here
or I'm gonna break your mutha's skull. Hey where're yooze going?
(Jay looks back to Bob.)
Jay: I don't get it... (Looks at the door. The "closed" sign is facing him) Hey I got it... them guys
think we ain't open (Turns sign so "open" is facing the inside).
(Bob sighs and walks over to Jay, shakes his head, turns the sign over again, and points to
the sign)
Jay: Hey what yooze think your doing? We're 'posed to be working here, fatso...
(Jay turns sign over again. Bob smacks himself in the forehead. Cut back to Randal and
Dante getting out of the car in front of a restaurant with a neon sign reading "La Fours".)
Randal: Now, don't forget... This girl means everything to me.
Dante: You haven't met her.
Randal: But Dante! She's fun, she's sweet, she's intelligent. Dare I say it, I love this girl...
(Pauses for a second)
Randal: ...as long as she's not fat.
Dante: Strong words, my friend.
Randal: Well, Kitty makes it easy to commit to. She's the kind of girl you want a lasting
relationship with. Oh by the way, did I mention to call me Dr. Randal?
Dante: What? I can't believe you lied to her like that.
Randal: Hey, your one to talk... I'm no the one who's claiming to be the king of England.
Dante: What? England doesn't have a king, it has a queen.
Randal: And to think, I defended you when people called you gay.
Dante: I'm not lying to any girl.
Randal: Fine, ruin the evening. (sighs)
Dante: Lets just get this over with.
(Fades to a scene inside. Leonardo Leonardo is with his publicist, talking to the owner, La
Fours who is behind a podium.)
Leonardo: How dare you tell me I can't have table. Do you realize who I am? I am Leonardo
Leonardo, the wealthiest man in New Jersey!
(Dante and Randal enter.)
La Fours: No your not, he is... (To Randal) Usual table Mr. Leonardo?
Randal: Actually we're here to meet some friends of mine...
La Fours: Friends?
Randal: Yes, girls...
La Fours: Ah, yes I remember them... they are....
(Cut to a Camera swaying between a scene filled with pairs of women sitting at tables..
Each time a new pair is revealed, a quick cut back to Dante and Randal shows thier
reactions: ugly, fat, looks like a dog in drag, then finally, it sets on a table with one
attractive, collage-aged redhead)
La Fours: ... right there...
(They look at each other and shrug as the approach they pass Leonardo)
Leonardo: (Clasps his hands together) Well played...clerks.
(They reach the table.)
Randal: Uh... Kitty?
Kitty: Randal?
Randal: Uh.. Yeah..
Kitty: Dr. Randal?
Randal: (Whispers to Dante) She calls me that cause I'm the doctor of love.
Dante: (Whispers back) No... she calls you that because you told her you were a doctor.
Randal: (Back to Dante) .. of love.
Kitty: And I suppose this is his highness?
Dante: Uh actually it's Dante and I'm not a king... I'm uh...
Kitty: You're what?
Dante: I'm... (Looks at his cape, covers himself like Dracula) ...a count.
Kitty: Oh... well your date had to powder her nose. She'll be here in a moment.
Randal: That means she's in the bathroom.
Dante: In know what that means.
Kitty: So Randal, I'm so glad that I finally get meet you, though I feel like I know you already.
Tell me, what happened to that dying boy you were taking care of?
Dante: (Covers his eyes in disbelief) Oh God.
Randal: Yes.. that's right Dante, he went to God. But lets not talk about that, as you can see it
upsets Count Dante.
Caitlin: (From off screen) DANTE!?!
Dante: Caitlin?
(Caitlin enters the scene)
Caitlin: Dante is my date?
Kitty: You know each other?
Caitlin: This is THE Dante.. the one I dated.
Kitty: The Design Major
Caitlin: No
Kitty: The Painter?
Caitlin: No
Kitty: the OTHER Painter?
Caitlin: No
Kitty: The.. no that was Rick Darris
Dante: (getting mad) I'm THE BOYFRIEND! THE ONE SHE WAS ACTUALLY DATING!
Kitty: You dated the Count of England?
Caitlin: He's not a Count... and that's his sidekick Randal.
Kitty: But he is a doctor...
Caitlin: No.
Randal: I am a doctor, and my diagnosis is (points to Caitlin) that lady is crazy.
Kitty: I can't believe this is happening! This was supposed to be our special night.
(Kitty runs outside, crying. Randal gets up and looks at Caitlin)
Randal: (slow and coldly) I hope Dante dates you, so that he will never sleep with you again.
(Randal chases after Kitty. Scene changes to outside Randal catches up with a crying
Kitty.)
Kitty: (sniff) Just...tell me the truth.
Randal: Alright... I don't want to start the relationship on a lie..
(Pauses a moment.)
Randal: I'm... I'm not a Doctor.
Kitty: I know that! I mean what else did you lie about?
Randal: Nothing, I swear.
Kitty: How can I tell you're not lying this time. How can I ever trust you?
Randal: Well, I did mean it when I said that I enjoyed talking to you, and that no one ever
understood me like you do.
Kitty: Really?
Randal: And that I really wanted to meet you.
Kitty: Yeah?
Randal: And that I think you could be the only one for me.
(Silence for a moment)
Kitty: No more lies?
Randal: Of course not.
(She smiles, then hugs Randal.)
Kitty: So... what do you really do for a living?
Randal: Well...
(Cut to the next day at the Quick Stop. Dante and Randal are in their standard two-shot.)
Dante: ...So, she left last night?
Randal: (Fingering through an XXX magazine) Yup.
Dante: Didn't say why?
Randal: Nope.
Dante: You ever going to see her again?
Randal: Probably not. You and Caitlin dating again?
Dante: Yup.
Randal: She cheat on you yet?
Dante: Only twice.
Randal: Wow, she must really be giving it a shot this time.
Dante: You know it's hard to see, but there is an important moral to this story...
Randal: Really? After all we went though, we can actually walk away with something that can
better our lives in the long run? Do tell, Dante...
Dante: Well its just that...
(Quick fade to next scene...)
