1 Fearless
…a girl born without the fear gene
You know what? I could repeat it a million times and it'll never sink in. Sam is dead, Sam is dead. I could put it another way- my boyfriend is dead. Murdered, gone forever. Nope, I can't take it in. It's like my mind truly believes that Sam will walk in through the Mosses front door and tell me that the whole event was nothing but a horrible nightmare. It's funny though, considering my life history, you'd think I wouldn't have any trouble accepting Sam's death. In the past few months, I have witnessed the death of my best friend, lost my foster mother just as soon as we started to understand each other, suffered yet another departure from my father, been tormented by my uncle and now I've lost Sam. It's so disgustingly ironic. When I was 13, a year after my mom and everything, I never once thought my life would get worse- how naïve could I get? And even worse, I know it was my fault that Sam was killed. If I had gone with Oliver, he never would've gone to Sam. He gave up his life to save me. On one hand, I'm feel… I don't know what I feel any more. I truly wish I was like the old Gaia, who didn't have friends, didn't need friends, didn't need anyone. Sam. What if I had never let you go? Oh, yuck, I'm now quoting from that heinous song by Katie Winslet, or whatever her name is. It now comes to yet another quote, 'You have had the scar, but have never felt the wound.' Or something like that. It comes from a Shakespearean play- though I forget which one. Anyway, it means one can say they have gone through something awful, but in reality they have never gone through the torment and pain. Like those people who say that cousin what-his-name died over and over again but they've never actually cried about it. Another example is a comparison between me and the average teen. The normal teen would be upset due to very few family deaths, and maybe relatives they've never met. I, on the other hand have lost everyone who's ever meant something to me. Everyone except Ed Fargo. My best friend. My best friend who's just told me that he loves me. Should I go out with Ed or should I stay away to prevent what happened to Sam happening to Ed too? I don't want to lose him as a friend but I don't want him to share the same fate as the others. I don't know what to do. Why did everything have to change? Why can't I have the time back to where Ed was just my weird friend, and Sam had just been my boyfriend in my imagination? It wasn't perfect but it's better than any other part of my heinous life…
…a girl born without the fear gene
You know what? I could repeat it a million times and it'll never sink in. Sam is dead, Sam is dead. I could put it another way- my boyfriend is dead. Murdered, gone forever. Nope, I can't take it in. It's like my mind truly believes that Sam will walk in through the Mosses front door and tell me that the whole event was nothing but a horrible nightmare. It's funny though, considering my life history, you'd think I wouldn't have any trouble accepting Sam's death. In the past few months, I have witnessed the death of my best friend, lost my foster mother just as soon as we started to understand each other, suffered yet another departure from my father, been tormented by my uncle and now I've lost Sam. It's so disgustingly ironic. When I was 13, a year after my mom and everything, I never once thought my life would get worse- how naïve could I get? And even worse, I know it was my fault that Sam was killed. If I had gone with Oliver, he never would've gone to Sam. He gave up his life to save me. On one hand, I'm feel… I don't know what I feel any more. I truly wish I was like the old Gaia, who didn't have friends, didn't need friends, didn't need anyone. Sam. What if I had never let you go? Oh, yuck, I'm now quoting from that heinous song by Katie Winslet, or whatever her name is. It now comes to yet another quote, 'You have had the scar, but have never felt the wound.' Or something like that. It comes from a Shakespearean play- though I forget which one. Anyway, it means one can say they have gone through something awful, but in reality they have never gone through the torment and pain. Like those people who say that cousin what-his-name died over and over again but they've never actually cried about it. Another example is a comparison between me and the average teen. The normal teen would be upset due to very few family deaths, and maybe relatives they've never met. I, on the other hand have lost everyone who's ever meant something to me. Everyone except Ed Fargo. My best friend. My best friend who's just told me that he loves me. Should I go out with Ed or should I stay away to prevent what happened to Sam happening to Ed too? I don't want to lose him as a friend but I don't want him to share the same fate as the others. I don't know what to do. Why did everything have to change? Why can't I have the time back to where Ed was just my weird friend, and Sam had just been my boyfriend in my imagination? It wasn't perfect but it's better than any other part of my heinous life…
