We were kissing

Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related.

Note: This will be a song fic, starting in the next chapter.  For this chapter, though, this is just a normal fic.

Told from the viewpoint of Caitie Roth.

We were kissing.  We were sitting on the couch in the living room of my house and we were kissing.  I, Caitie Roth, was kissing my best friend, Jamie.  Holy God, I was kissing Jamie!

Isn't it funny how those things happen?   I mean, when Jamie had gotten to my house for our monthly movie marathon, I had never dreamed we'd end up swapping spit on the couch in the living room.  In fact, if anyone had told me that that was what we would end up doing, I would probably have laughed.  Me and Jamie?  No way.

But now, as my hands slid around to lock behind his neck, I couldn't help but think, yes way.

It was like one of those kisses that you only see in chick movies.  You know, the kind where the guy moves closer and closer while the girl closes her eyes and parts her lips in anticipation.  And then as their lips touch, a bolt of bright light surrounds them and they look at each other in awe.  Okay, so we didn't have the bright light thing, but my heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode.  And why, against my own volition (I swear!) did my fingers seem to be creeping up into Jamie's hair?  Was this really what I wanted, to be making out with Jamie Waite on the couch in my living room?  No! …………maybe……

We were still kissing.

You know, I couldn't figure that out.  I mean, most boys I had kissed before had been different.  They had given me a little kiss on the lips and I had groaned silently.  Kissing, to me, had always been somewhat of a nusiance.  Oh sure, I liked it, but most boys were crappy at it.  They all apparently had thought that for our first kiss, I would be ecstatically happy if they did an in-depth analysis of my tonsils.  Either that or they would kiss me on the lips so fast, that it was like only the wind had touched me.  And I Was supposed to get excited over that?!?!

And then there was Billy.  He thought he was God's gift to girls when it came to the area of kissing.  Too bad he sucked at it.  I equate Billy's kissing skills to a dead fish.  They're both cold, clammy and downright icky.

But, Jamie was different.  He was warm and………………….  Wow, we were still kissing.  It definitely had to be over two minutes now.  Anyway, like I was saying, unlike other guys I had kissed, Jamie was more hesitant.  He had leaned closer and I had closed my eyes (very movie-like) and then he had kissed me.  Just a little kiss on the lips, except that we just kind of froze in that position for a few seconds.  And then Jamie pulled back, like, an inch or so and kissed me again.  And then again.  Soon, we had the 'little kiss on the lips' thing down pretty well.  Then, Jamie moved closer to me on the couch.  When he leaned in to kiss me again and his tongue cautiously, hesitantly sneaked out to touch my bottom lip (in mid-kiss, no less), I let him kiss me deeper.  And it was totally different from the other guys I've kissed.  Jamie wasn't leading an excavation towards my tonsils, he was simply kissing me.  I was enjoying every minute of it.

His left arm was wrapped around me, holding me closer to him and the fingers of his right hand were playing with the ends of my hair.  It couldn't get much better than this, I tell you.

I suppose you are wondering how this happened.  I mean, like I said, I had not invited Jamie to my house, intent on kissing him.  Nope.  I had invited him for our monthly movie marathon.  The kiss was just something that happened.  And it wasn't like we had looked at each other and realized that we were madly in love.  No, it didn't happen that way at all.  Actually, it all kind of started with a dare.

"Okay," Jamie said, standing up in front if the television and holding up a video tape.  He aimed his brown eyes at Caitie , who was sitting on the couch, and raised an eyebrow.  "Explain to me again why we have to watch a chick flick?"

Caitie rolled her eyes.  She had already explained all this to Jamie.  It really wasn't that hard of an explanation to understand on the first try.  "Because Cindy and Stephanie were talking about it in my gym class today and they said it was really good."

Jamie glanced dubiously at the videotape.  How could a chick movie possibly be good?  He and Caitie never watched chick movies at the monthly movie marathon.  Usually, it was comedies of the Adam Sandler persuasion.  Or action movies.  They never watched chick flicks.  "Sliding Doors," he read off the label on the tape.  "Never heard of it."

Caitie sighed.  "Duh, that's why we're gonna watch it, Waite.  Put it in the VCR."

Jamie obliged her command and then plopped himself down on the couch next to Caitie.  His hand automatically reached over to the arm of the couch, where two remote controls sat waiting to be used.  Grasping one of them, Jamie aimed it at the television and fast-forwarded through the previews on the beginning of the tape.  Usually, he and Caitie skipped over the previews in order to get to the movie sooner.  Unless, of course, the previews on the beginning of the tape included something with Heath Ledger or Keanu Reeves.  In that case, Jamie was always forced to stop fast-forwarding so Catiie could drool a little.  In her opinion, anything with those two was sacred.  Thankfully though (in Jamie's opinion), neither guy was in the previews and Jamie and Caitie got the beginning of the movie within a matter of seconds. 

They settled down into the couch and watched the beginning of the movie.

"You know," Jamie mumbled after a few minutes of watching the movie, "this is going to be our last movie night for a while since you are leaving for college next week."

A shiver of excitement ran through Caitie's veins as she took her eyes off the television and glanced at her friend, who sat slouched next to her.  Throughout all of high school, Caitie had never really looked forward to going to college.  In her opinion, it was just something that everyone did.  Just another stage of life.  She had gone through the normal process of hanging out in the guidance office looking at college catalouges and all that, but it never really hit her that this would be such a big step.  Even when she had been accepted to Syracuse University, which had one of the best writing houses in the country, she still had not been too excited.

It was the day of graduation that it finally hit her that the world of lockers and petty teenage politics was almost behind her.  She had been sitting on the stage in the auditorium, only half listening as the Carlson droned on and on about how 'they were going out into the world now' and how 'it was up to them to make a difference'.  And she had looked out into the audience and seen Jamie sitting with her parents.  He had caught her eye and grinned and suddenly, she had realized that in just a few months, she would not be seeing him for a rather long time. 

She didn't remember if she smiled back at Jamie because right after that, the graduates were told to stand up so they could be called to get their diplomas.  She had walked through the motions as if she were a robot, he mind had been a jumble.  And then after the last graduate was called, people around her started screaming and throwing their caps into the air.  Caitie had just stood there, looking up towards the ceiling of the auditorium as dozens and dozens of square red objects floated up and then back down to their owners. 

It was then that it hit her.  Good God, she was going to do it.  She was going to go to Syracuse University and major in writing.  And she was going to get away from all the closed minded people of Kingsport High, who hadn't talked to her because she was just (in their opinion) too different. 

From that point on, going to college took on a whole new meaning for Caitie.  She became excited as the weeks went by and the date to leave got closer.  She couldn't wait to see her dorm room and to meet her roommate in person.  There would be freedom that she had never had while living at home.   It would just be so cool.

There was just one thing wrong with the whole picture.  Jamie couldn't go with her.

"Well," she said, "I'll be home for Thanksgiving.  We can do the next one then." 

She pitied him in the fact that he had another year to go at Kingsport High.  He still had to put up with the small minded people and the petty bullshit that high school is all about at times. He still had to deal with the fact that some bigger guys liked to pick on him because they didn't think he was cool enough.  And who would be there to stop him from getting in fights as Caitie had in the past?  No one.  He'd have to do it all on his own.

Jamie sighed and ran his fingers through his dark hair.  Thanksgiving was a long time away and he really was going to miss Caitie.  Who was he going to share detention with?  Who was he going to have around to have fun with and to generally understand him?  No one.  He'd have to do it all on his own.

"Don't worry," Caitie said with a small laugh.  "I'll e-mail you all the time."

He smiled, hoping that that was the truth.  "Fine.  Okay.  Whatever.  Let's just stop watching this chick flick, okay? Let's watch a real movie." 

Caitie laughed.  "What, James, you afraid you might feel a little sappy after this movie is done?"

Jamie shifted his position on the couch and grimaced.  Sappy was not a word that would normally be used to describe him.  No way. 

Caitie laughed again to see her friend's discomfort.  She had to admit that she, too, was not a romance fan, but hey, the two girls in her gym class had said it was a good movie.  And besides, it wasn't all romance.  There were some comedy elements that Caitie had already spotted.  The Scottish guy was hilarious. 

"Okay," she agreed as she tore her eyes away from the screen again, "I realize that some of the chick flicks are cheesy, but give this one a chance, okay?  I kind of want to see how it ends."

Jamie grumbled and slouched even further down on the couch.  What was it with girls and romance films?  Why did they always make guys suffer through them?  And what did the girls like about these kinds of movies anyway?  They were all the same.  Girl meets boy and they get along great until some kind of barrier creeps up and tries to push them apart.  But, in the end, they somehow find a way to get over that barrier and be together forever.  Happily ever after.  Yuck, Jamie thought.  That was not reality at all, in his opinion. 

"And why do girls have to read into everything so much?"  Jamie continued out loud.  "I mean, how come in a movie, when the girl gets kissed, she has to read into what the guy 'must have meant' when he kissed her.  Can't a guy just kiss her?"

Caitie simply stared at him amused.  "Go on," she said, wondering where in the world he was going with these thoughts.

"Well, it's like………  it's like if I kissed you right now and it was all great and everything, but then afterwards you were wondering what the heck I was thinking of while I kissed you."

Caitie froze.  Okay, she thought, where did that come from?  She looked at Jamie closely and her brow furrowed a bit as she tried to think of some sarcastic thing to say to diffuse the situation.  How in the world had the room seemed to get so airless all of the sudden?

"I don't read into kisses that guys give me because usually the guy doesn't put much thought into it at all.  So, I know there is nothing there to think about," she replied after a minute and then she cocked her head to the side and smiled slightly.  "Why, do you think of something amazing when you kiss a girl you like?"  She asked.  The question had been partly in interest and partly in humor.  The answer, though, was not exactly what she expected.

Jamie looked away from Caitie's eyes and back at the television screen where the new couple were kissing for the first time.  "Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know.  Maybe.  I haven't really thought of it before now."

Caitie rolled her eyes.  He was such a guy.  Leave it to them to bring up a rather interesting concept to mull over and then give a somewhat vague answer when questioned about it.  "Okay, well let's do a test, then," she said and grinned like the devil.

"What?"

"Let's test your theory about girls reading into the kiss.  You kiss me and I'll tell you what you were thinking," she replied and then raised her eyebrows at Jamie to see if he would take the dare.

Jamie shook his head and sat up a bit straighter on the couch.  His insides were churning for some reason that he didn't even want to think about.  Kiss Caitie?  Like, kiss her like she meant something to him as more than a friend?  Jeez, he thought.  He couldn't do that.  It would just be too weird, wouldn't it?  "I don't think that's such a good idea, Caitie," he said finally and then turned his attention back to the screen before him.

Caitie narrowed her eyes.  "C'mon Waite.  You chicken?" 

Jamie turned his head slowly until his gaze touched her own.  Chicken?  Nah, he wasn't chicken.  He just didn't want to kiss her.  But, a voice asked in his head, why not?  She was only his friend.  It wouldn't mean anything at all.  Would it?

"Fine," he said, turning his body so he could face her better.  "I'll do it."

And that's how it happened.  We kissed.  And it seemed as if after we started kissing, we couldn't really stop.  I was running a bit short on breath because of all this kissing business, but did you hear me complain?  Noooo….

I don't really know what made me challenging Jamie to kiss me.  I mean, yeah, it was what he had said about girls reading into it and all that.  I didn't really agree with what he said, so I wanted to prove him wrong.  And I thought that it would be harmless enough.  I mean, Jamie was my friend.  We'd never even come close to passing over that invisible, extremely-clichéd line between friendship and relationship.  We'd always stayed firm on the friendship side. 

God, he was a good kisser.  Damn, I thought, as his hand came up to cup my cheek.  Forget everything I said before about girls not reading into kisses because I surely was.  My original plan had been to kiss Jamie quickly and then tell him something like, "I think that that kiss meant we should watch the Keanu Reeves movie now."  Something like that.  Something very Caitie-like to say.  He would expect something like that.  But….er……that wasn't exactly what I was reading from it.  Heck, it was nowhere near it.

And what was I reading from it?  Well, here we have my friend Jamie kissing the very life out of me and I am enjoying it. 

I opened my eyes for a second to check and then closed them again and went back to enjoying our kiss.  Yup, his eyes were closed too.  He was enjoying it as much as I was. 

So, two people, who had never done anything other than the usual friendship-like things, are now sitting on the couch kissing like their whole world depends on it.  Okay, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that maybe just maybe, deep down in my subconscious, I kind of maybe sort of wanted Jamie to kiss me.  But, what about him?  He was apparently enjoying it to.

Jamie's hand, which had been playing with my hair, now left my dark locks and moved own to touch the bottom of my shirt.  It rested there for just a second, his fingers closed over the material.  Holy Nelly, my heart started pounding even more and I wondered if it was possible that I was in the middle of having a heart attack.  Ah well, I thought, not wanting to disturb the moment.  At least Jamie is an EMT and he can save me.

My hands were in his hair, twisting the rather short strands around my fingertips.  And at this point, my lips (I was pretty much sure of this) were super glued to his forever.   What's a girl to do in a situation like this?  Sit back, relax and enjoy.

I leaned back into the couch a little bit and thought about how this would most likely change our friendship.  Good stuff, I thought, knowing that it might actually turn out to be a good thing.  After all, it would be cool to tell my new roommate about my 'boyfriend' at home……. 

Oh my gosh, I though.  I am going to college next week.  I'm leaving and I won't see Jamie for a really long time.  I can't do this.

Jamie kissed me even deeper and panic welled up in my throat.  What was I thinking?  Did I think that if Jamie and I started a relationship, it would be 'happily ever after' like the chick flicks always were?  That wasn't reality.  Reality was long distance relationships not working out all the time.  Reality was knowing that Jamie was still going to be in Kingsport and I was going to be in Syracuse.  It would never work. 

And why risk our friendship for that?  We'd known each other for years, ever since Jamie moved to the Kingsport school district when we were thirteen.  We were so close.  Ahem, yes, right now we were in the literal sense, but I also meant in the friendship sense.  Why would I want to screw that up?

Jamie's hand slid under my shirt and touched the bare skin of my stomach.  Holy Lord, I thought, noticing how every one of my senses seemed to have gathered right where his hand lay on my skin.  A part of me wanted to know what he was thinking.  Did he have doubts as well about this whole thing?  Even if he didn't, I did.  I couldn't risk our friendship for some little make-out session that would inevitably end.  And I would go off to college and everything would fall apart.  Might as well end it now before it got too serious.

"Um, Jamie," I said, pulling back from him a little bit.  He ignored me and tried to kiss me again, but I reached up and shoved him a bit on the chest, hoping that he'd get the message.  Back away now, my mind telepathically sent to his mind.  Back away before anyone gets hurt.  Yeah, like he could hear me anyway.

Jamie froze when I pushed on his chest and slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at me to see what was wrong.  Apparently, the look on my face said it all because slowly he moved away from me.  My stomach all the sudden seemed cold where his hand had been, but I ignored that and concentrated on what the heck I was going to say to this guy.  He was my friend, but he had also just kissed the air out of me.  No one had ever done that before.  It was more than a little scary.

"Look," said, shrugging.  Maybe if I kept the mood light, it would all be okay.  "I don't know what you thought I would think when you kissed me, but nothing came to my mind."

Okay, so I lied.  But, it was to save our friendship.  Heck, a little white lie had never hurt anyone, had it?

The look of hurt in Jamie's eyes was overwhelming and just for a second, I almost caved and told him the truth of what I had been thinking.  But, no, I couldn't do that.  No way.  This was for the best. It would never work out between us.  And in the end, I still wanted us to be friends. 

Jamie looked away quickly and stared at the floor in front of the couch.  I glanced at the t.v. and saw that the couple in the movie were kissing again.  God, didn't they ever get tired of doing that?   I wanted so badly to turn the television off so that I didn't have to see the people on the screen being so happy and in love.  Here in my living room, the mood was dark, saddened by what I had said to Jamie.

He was staring at the floor and I could see his jaw was clenched as if something really was bothering him.  He always clenched his jaw when he was thinking really hard about something.  And then he looked back up at me and I saw again the hurt in his eyes.  Did I see a little anger too?  Had he somehow seen through my little white lie?

"Caitie--," he started, but I cut him off.  This was such new territory for me.  Like I said before, I never expected any of this to happen in the first place.  And now, as I sat on the couch, I realized that I didn't want to hear what he had to say.  I just didn't, because I knew his words would be the truth of how he felt about what had just happened.  And I couldn't, didn't want to know what he thought of it all.  If he started talking about it, I'd be lost.  And then our friendship would go right down the tubes.  So, I did the only thing I could think of.

"Maybe you should just go," I said quietly and tried to ignore the pure pain that shot into his eyes.  He stared at me for just a moment as if trying to assess whether or not I was kidding.  I wasn't.  So, he looked back towards the television, nodded once as if accepting the wall I had unconsciously put between us and then he stood abruptly and without any word, he left.

I sat on the couch stunned, not believing that any of it had really happened.  I looked back at the television screen and saw the two principle actors laughing at some party they were at.  The tears rolled down my cheeks but I pretended not to notice them until they made my vision so blurry that I could no longer see the movie.  And then I leaned back on the couch and cried, thankful that the rest of my family was not at home to see me.

Whew!  Okay, J/C fans, don't fret! This is (believe it or not) a happy fic.  This first chapter just had to be this way to set up the next chapter.   Please review.  Thanks.