Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related. Also, the lyrics in this chapter are from the song, "Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette. I, obviously, do not own those either. I do, however, own Sienna and Thorn because they came straight out of my manuscript. J
You know, I've always believed in the healing powers of ice cream. No matter what kind it is, ice cream seems to make everything look better, even when you feel as crappy as I do. And trust me, if there is anything that can make me feel better right now, it is my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry.
It was supposed to be a fun night. Just me and Jamie at Club Velvet listening to Sienna sing. She was our favorite- lyrics like Tori Amos sung with a voice like Sarah McLachlan. When Jamie and I had heard she was going to be at Club Velvet, we had been ecstatic. I mean, that's the closest she has ever come to Kingsport. Granted, the club was about a half an hour away from Kingsport, but still……… So, as soon as the tickets went on sale, Jamie and I were there, standing in line. We'd had the tickets for a couple of weeks now and we were both looking forward to the concert so much, especially since it would be our last hang-out time together before I go away for college. I leave tomorrow. Anyway, we were supposed to have fun, but it turned out to be Hell.
Sure, Sienna had been phenomenal like always. Her voice was beautiful and the way she played the piano brought tears to my eyes. So, it wasn't that part of the evening that had sucked. It was the part where she had made me and Jamie…….and then Jamie had given me….. Wait, let me start at the beginning.
………………………………………………………………
It was raining tonight, so I told Jamie that I'd drive since it wasn't exactly a smart idea to ride his motorcycle on wet roads. I picked him up around eightish. The concert at the club started at nine. I figured we'd have plenty of time to get there early and get a table close to the stage.
Jamie climbed into my car and shut the door behind him quickly, cutting us off from the loud pouring rain. His hair and jacket were soaked and a drip of rain fell off his nose.
"Hey," I said cheerfully. I mean, we were going to see Sienna! It was totally a reason to be happy, in spite of the crappy weather.
"Hey," Jamie mumbled as he buckled his seatbelt. His head was down, his eyes on the dark buckle as he fastened it.
Right then and there I knew something was wrong. This greeting was totally unJamie-like. Okay, I know he doesn't usually leap in my car and shout 'hello' ecstatically while he grins like a loon. But, usually he says hi with a little more life than your average rock. What was up with him, anyway?
I just kind of sat there for a second, staring at him, trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I mean, was he mad at me for something? I couldn't remember doing anything that could possibly annoy him. Well, there was that whole kiss thing, but that happened last week and we had both just sort of silently agreed not to talk about it. Granted, this was the first time I had seen him in person since the 'incident', but he had sounded fine on the phone when I had called him earlier that night. So, it couldn't be that, could it?
I was so deep in thought that I totally missed the point when Jamie started staring back at me. Jeez, we must have looked pretty stupid sitting there staring at each other. It wasn't even as if we could totally see each other- it was too dark out. But, it sure was something sitting in the dark with Jamie like that. Rain was beating down on the car in a steady, almost rhythmic, pattern. And every once in a while lightening would flicker just enough so that I could see Jamie's face illuminated, his dark eyes straight on me. It was a total chick-movie-kiss moment. But, it was Jamie sitting next to me and there was no way I could kiss him when I was leaving for college the next day.
It was almost as if Jamie had the same thought I did because he suddenly looked away from me abruptly and turned his head to look out the passenger side window.
'We'd better go," he said quietly.
My heart dropped.
Okay, what just happened? Let's recap. Jamie and I had totally just had a moment and he just turns away like we hadn't been staring at each other in a dark car parked in his driveway?!?! It wasn't like this sort of thing happened every day. I mean, I had never ever experienced anything even remotely resembling that moment with Billy. And on top of that, why did Jamie's reaction bother me? I was the one who didn't want to start anything with him. We were friends, that was enough for me. So, how come I experienced a total heart-dropping moment? I hadn't wanted Jamie to kiss me in the totally perfect chick-flick-movie-kiss moment, had I? Um……..No! No, I hadn't.
"Sure," I mumbled back, feeling the excitement over seeing Sienna in concert start to wan. Where was the fun of seeing this awesome singer when your friend is barely talking to you and the two of you had just had a moment and………..whatever.
I put the car in gear and backed out of Jamie's driveway. I had turned in my seat to back out of the driveway and of course, I had turned towards Jamie. So, once I was backed out into the road, I had a chance to glance at him before turning back around to put the car in drive and start down the road.
He was staring out the window as if something out in the darkness really caught his attention. Maybe it was the lawn gnomes that Mrs. Joanen, Jamie's seventy- five year old neighbor, had all around her lawn. When the lightening lit up the sky, it illuminated their little smiling faces, making them look a little more evil than normal. Yep, I bet his attention was on the lawn gnomes.
But, I thought as I put the car in gear and started down the road, he was clenching his jaw. Did I mention before that that's what he does when something is really bothering him? Well, he does. He did it a lot when Billy and I were going out. Even now, when he hears Billy's name, he clenches his jaw and his hands ball into fists as if is getting ready to beat the stuffing out of the kid. It is most likely a good thing Billy is at Military school because if he were in Kingsport, he would most likely have been sporting a black eye compliments of Jamie's fist.
So, you can maybe see why I get nervous when Jamie clenches his jaw. It means he's thinking really hard about something and that something is bothering him. Great, I thought. Just great. What the heck was up with him?
"Um, are you okay?" I asked, hoping that by some miracle he'd tell me what was going on.
Jamie glanced at me and even though I was staring at the road ahead of the car, I could feel the weight of his gaze on me.
"Yeah," he answered quietly. "I'm fine." He looked back out the window.
Well jeez, he could have said a little more than that! Obviously something was bothering him because he was still clenching his jaw. And we could just take the whole lawn gnome hypothesis and throw it out the window because we were far away from Mrs. Joanen's yard and Jamie was still staring out the window into the darkness of the night like his life depended on it.
Needless to say, the rest of the ride to Club Velvet was long and silent. Jamie didn't say a word and I just drove, wishing that he'd get a little more cheerful. I wished that he would act like he always did when in my car. He'd turn on the radio and we'd fight good-naturedly about what alternative/modern rock station to listen to. But, tonight was different. I could have turned on country music and he wouldn't have said a word. He would have just kept staring out that darn window, making me go absolutely nuts.
Anyway, we finally got to the club and got inside without too much of a wait in the line of Sienna fans outside. Without talking, Jamie and I chose a table to the left of the stage, three rows back. I would have preferred to sit more towards the middle of the room, but those seats were already taken. I guess we didn't get there as early as we thought we would.
There were tons of people there already in the room. Some stood in the back of the room looking for a good seat, but most were already seated. Everyone was talking to whoever was next to them. I looked around at the different tables filled with people laughing and chatting. I kind of felt lonely. I mean, I was sitting next to Jamie, but we weren't talking at all. It was like we were total strangers or something. If things had really been okay, I knew we'd be exclaiming about how excited we were to be about to see Sienna. We'd try to figure out what she'd sing first, the fast paced, "Find Me" or the slow song, "Shadows Of The Night". Both were awesome songs, but I was kind of hoping she would do "Find Me" first. I wanted to ask Jamie what he thought, but I didn't dare.
But, for the second time that night, it was like he was reading my mind because all of the sudden, Jamie looked at me.
"Caitie," he started, a clear line of worry on his brow.
"Uh huh?" I prompted, wanting more than anything for us to be able to strike up a conversation and talk like we always had. Maybe if we just got talking about something, all the weirdness would melt away.
Jamie opened his mouth to say something, but whatever he was going to say was lost in the clapping and screaming of the fans around us. Sienna and her band had come out on stage.
She was totally my idol. Her long dark hair hung down to her waist and within the long straight strands, little braids hung, their ends tied off with different colored rubber bands. She wore a cotton sundress with spaghetti straps. The dress went down to just above her knees and it had a flower print on it. Her feet were bare, but her two toe rings and two anklets glittered in the lights shining on the stage. In all, she looked like a faery come out to play.
Sienna smiled and waved to the audience as everyone continued to cheer. Her eyes scanned over the crowd as she took everyone in. It's kind of funny because her eyes had just kept moving over the whole crowd, but when she got to where Jamie and I sat, they just kind of stopped there. She looked at us for a minute like she knew something we didn't and then she smiled and turned her gaze back towards the rest of the crowd.
She blew a kiss to someone in the back of the crowd and I turned to see who it was meant for. A guy with longish blond hair pulled back in a small ponytail stood in the back of the room against the wall. His arms were folded over his chest and he smiled back at Sienna like they shared a secret. I looked back at the stage and saw Sienna still looking back at the guy. Must be her boyfriend, I thought, but then dismissed the thought as she held up her hands for silence.
She adjusted the microphone in front of her and then waited for everyone to quiet down and take their seats. Then she spoke. "I was going to start the set tonight with "Find Me", but I think I want to do something a little different."
A murmur ran through the crowd as Sienna unhooked the microphone from its holder. Jamie and I just kind of looked at each other surprised. I thought for sure she would start with a song on the piano, but it looked like she had other ideas.
Sienna walked to the very edge of the stage and then sat down there, her legs dangling over the side. "I'm sure the band won't mind sitting out just this once," she said and threw a brief glance over her shoulder at the band. All five members smiled and put their instruments down. Now, she really had my attention. What was she going to sing a capella?
Turning back to the audience, Sienna said, "this is a song that I head on the radio a few years ago. I knew when I heard it that when I became a professional singer, I would cover it." She smiled and glanced towards the back of the room again. "It reminds me of someone special," she added.
The lights went down with only one or two focusing on Sienna. The room was totally quiet then as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting for Sienna to start singing. She bowed her head as if readying herself. I knew that all eyes in the room were on her and for one little second I thought vaguely of how weird it must be for her to be a spectacle in front of everyone all the time.
When she looked up, her eyes looked a little sadder. She scanned the audience again and her eyes came to rest on Jamie. I know this for sure because Jamie noticed it too and he kind of shifted in his chair as if he were uncomfortable. He glanced over at me but I was just too mesmerized with the way Sienna was staring at him to look back at him. No one else in the room seemed to notice any of this though. They were all still quiet, waiting for Sienna to sing.
Jamie looked back up towards the stage and I saw him give her a friendly little smile out of the corner of my eye. And then, through the silence cut the first few words uttered from her lips. I knew she had an awesome voice, but jeez….. the way she started the song was almost pure magic.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eye
You've built a love
But that love falls apart
Your little piece of Heaven
Turns too dark.
I could feel my eyes widening at what she was singing. Jeez, it was like she could read his mind or something. How had she possibly known that there was something on Jamie's mind, something weighing him down? Had she too seen him clenching his jaw? It was so weird. And he had just smiled at her. It was almost too coincidental that the first line of her song was about a smile. How could her song be about that? It was all too weird.
And then she turned to me. Her eyes bore deep into my own and it felt as if she was singing right to me. Yeah, I know that sounds corny, but it really did seem like that. I mean, she wasn't even trying to look at anyone else in the room. Just me.
Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart.
There's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going,
And I don't know why, but
Listen to your heart before
You tell him goodbye.
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like she knew all about the whole 'incident' from last week and she was trying to give me some advice. Talk about weird. The sane side of me was telling me that there was no way this girl could know anything about what had happened. She probably always picked people out of the audience to sing to and Jamie and I just happened to be the two lucky chosen people tonight. But, still………… The other side of me, the not-so-sane side wanted to throw rationalization out the window and just listen to the words of the song. Weird, huh?
But, it got weirder. Here Sienna was singing to Jamie and then me. And then she surprised everyone in the audience even more. In the middle of singing, she hopped off the stage and ever so slowly started walking through the crowd. Okay, right there it seems pretty weird, right? Well, it got even weirder because she was heading right for the table that Jamie and I were sitting at. Now, remember I told you that Jamie and I were sitting to the left side of the stage. You would think that if she were to sing to someone, she would have picked a table towards the middle. But nope, she was heading our way.
She stopped right in front of our table and stared down at Jamie and I both. So weird. We both just kind of looked at her with a look of surprise on our faces. She gave us both this little half-smile and then she reached out slowly to Jamie. His left hand had been resting on the top of the table and her fingers slid over it, covering it. Vaguely, I wondered what the guy in the back of the room was thinking at that moment. I could just imagine that he and everyone else in the room were craning their necks to see what she would do next. I know I was kind of wondering that myself.
Sienna curled her fingers around Jamie's hand and lifted it up in her own. The she continued to sing, her eyes only on him.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all
Lost in the tide, yeah.
They're swept away and
Nothing is what it seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.
Then with her other hand, her right hand, she reached out to me. As soon as I saw her hand reach out to me, I automatically raised my right hand out of where it had been resting in my lap and allowed her to take it. Her hands were cool, which surprised me. I guess I thought they'd be all sweaty from the lights being on her and everything. But, she was acting all calm, as if she walked into the audience and held people's hands while she sang all the time.
So now she had my right hand in one hand and Jamie's left hand in the other one. Anyone could figure out what she was going to do next. But, it surprised me. I didn't really think that she'd do that. It just never occurred to me.
Sienna brought her two hands together and linked my hand with Jamie's. Then, with our hands still linked, she placed her hands on top of ours. She closed her eyes while she sang.
Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why, but
Listen to your heart before
You tell him goodbye.
Okay, I know this will sound really strange but I swear that while she was singing with her eyes closed, I felt something. Something really weird. It was like this tingling or something started between where Jamie's hand touched mine. I looked up at him sharply, wondering if he had noticed it too. Sure enough, his eyes were wide and he was staring at me as if asking me the exact same thing. Of course I had noticed it. It was kind of hard not to.
And there are voices
That want to be heard.
So much to mention
But you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
The beauty that's been
When love was wilder
Than the wind.
Jamie stared at me and I stared at Jamie. Whoa, was all I could think. I mean, what the heck do you think in a situation like this. One minute you are feeling pretty crappy because your best guy friend is not talking to you and the next minute you are holding hands with him while you two are being serenaded by your favorite singer. Suffice it to say, we were definitely having a moment. And what a moment it was!
Sienna opened her eyes and smiled at us as she finished the song with another round of the chorus. As soon as she finished the last note, the room burst into applause. I hardly even heard it at all. I was still staring at Jamie and he was still staring at me. I felt so light, as if all the depressing feelings that I had carried into the club were gone. When I looked at Jamie there was just so much I wanted to say, but at that exact moment in time, I couldn't think of anyway to say it.
Sienna let go of our hands and she started to move away towards the stage. The fans around us kept whistling and cheering for her up until she started the next song of her set. I just sat there in a daze, holding Jamie's hand.
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Oh yeah, I know how it sounds. It sounds all romantic and stuff. And I just bet you would love it if Jamie and I had just fallen head over heals in love with each other at that point, right? Well, that's not exactly what happened.
…………………………………………………………….
The rest of the concert kind of went by in a blur. All I know is that Jamie and I held hands for the whole thing. But, by the last song, the old familiar doubts had crept back into my mind again. How the heck could I let this happen? Jamie and I being together as anything more than friends was just not a good idea. I mean, it would never work out. Don't forget I am leaving to go to Syracuse University tomorrow and Jamie will still be in Kingsport. We won't see each other very much at all. So, I couldn't let anything happen. Nothing could happen. It just couldn't.
After the concert was over, I hopped out of my seat like my butt was on fire. Just as quickly, I pulled my hand out of Jamie's grasp and grabbed my coat.
"Gotta get out of here to beat the traffic," I mumbled and then took off for the door. I knew he would follow me so I tried very hard not to notice the bewildered look on his face. Okay, so maybe in retrospect I realize that I kind of ran out without really giving him a good explanation, but I wasn't ready to talk to Jamie about that kind of stuff yet. Heck, I wasn't too sure what that stuff was yet.
The ride back from the concert was extremely annoying. It was the worst car ride ever. Jamie had gone back to staring out the window. And me? Well, I, for some reason, felt the need to see how much talking I could do in that amount of time. Heck, let's face it. I was nervous. So, I let my mouth run away so that I didn't really have to think. I talked about how pretty Sienna had been and how awesome she had played the piano. I said exactly what I liked about every song she performed except for the first one. I didn't mention anything about that at all. And Jamie just kept on looking out the window.
I pulled into Jamie's driveway and stopped talking. I looked over to where he sat and smiled cheerfully, hoping that I could fool him into thinking everything was alright. But, all he did was return my gaze and the smile dropped off my face.
"Caitie," he said softly with a tinge of something that sounded a lot like frustration.
I waited, a part of me wanting him to go on and a part of me praying that he would stop there before things got too far. But, he didn't say anything. He just looked at me for a few more seconds and then reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper.
"Here," he said, giving it to me. I accepted the paper, a look of confusion on my face. What was the paper for, I wondered.
But, even as I was about to ask, Jamie was climbing out of the car and shutting the door behind him.
"Night!" I called out, but either he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me because he didn't answer me. I watched him trudge up to the front door of his house and let himself in before I backed out of the driveway and drove away.
…………………………………………………………….
So now here I sit with my two best friends, Ben and Jerry. I feel like I want to cry because I just read the letter Jamie gave me. Gosh, why did things have to get so complicated? Why couldn't we have just stayed friends like we were before? Why did things have to change? I want to go back to the way they were when our biggest worry was having to put off movie night until I got back from college.
I am leaving for college tomorrow. I can't deal with all this stuff now. I mean, it's just too much right now. I made the right decision when it came to Jamie, right? In the end, I think I did our friendship a favor- I preserved it. I think. I just didn't want us to lose our friendship. And everyone knows long distance relationships never work out. So, I did the best thing, right?
Well, then how come I feel like crap? How come I read Jamie's letter and dove for the ice cream?
I bet you are wondering what his letter said. Yeah, so was I when I got home from the concert. So, I sat on the couch and read it. Then I headed for the freezer where I knew the Rocky Road was.
Here's what it said:
Caitie,
I probably won't even give you this letter. In fact, I'll probably never even mention it. I just had to say some of this stuff to get it off my chest and I figured that since I can't say this stuff to you, I might as well write it down.
Something happened last week in your living room that I had not really been prepared for. I mean, I really had not expected it to happen. And when it did, I have to admit I was kind of happy about it. I didn't know how much I liked you until I kissed you last week. Then it was like, oh yeah, I knew that.
You've been such a huge part of my life that I never really noticed it before. But, now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
I know you don't feel the same way about me that I do about you. I know that you felt nothing when we kissed. You told me that much. It hurts to think that, but I'll get over it. Just give me time.
Jamie
Holy Nelly, what was I supposed to say to that? Little does he know, I did feel something when we kissed. Oy.
………………………………………………
Sienna sat at one of the tables in the empty club and stared at the stage. A slight smile graced her lips as she thought back to the concert just a couple of hours before. It had always thrilled her the way the audience screamed her name. They loved her and her music, which was something she had been working towards for years. And now she had made it. Sure, she played huge auditoriums filled with fans screaming so loud that Sienna could barely hear the music of the guitar that she held in her hands. But, the little clubs were always more important to her. In a small club, she could be closer to her fans- could even reach out and touch them.
Like I did tonight, she thought and her smile grew as she pictured the couple in her mind. Well, she would bet that they weren't exactly a couple yet, but time would fix that. Sienna had known as soon as she laid eyes on them that they were supposed to be together. They just fit together, even though they had appeared not to be talking at the beginning of the concert. And so, she had gone out into the audience and had sung to them, something that she had always wanted to do, but had never gotten up the nerve until that night. She had seen the couple and the way that they sat next to each other, but looked as if they were a million miles apart from one another. But, she had fixed that. She had linked their hands, and therefore, brought them back to each other. Ah, the romantic in her was alive and well.
A noise of footfall on the wooden floor behind her brought her out of her thoughts, but she did not turn. She knew who was behind her and her smile deepened even more. With her song and her actions, she had given the two young people something to think about, she knew. She just hoped that they made the right decision before it was too late, as she had.
"You were wonderful tonight, Si," a deep voice behind her said softly and she turned in her chair.
"I love the clubs," she replied and the guy standing behind her smiled. He knew how much she loved being so close to her fans.
He moved the last couple of steps to the table and sat down in the chair next to where Sienna sat. "That young couple looked so shocked to have you singing to them in the beginning," he said and Sienna laughed.
They aren't a couple yet, Thorn," she said and watched as he shrugged his shoulders. A bit of his long blond hair slipped out of the ponytail holder and fell into his eyes. Sienna reached out her hand and tucked the bit of blond hair behind his ear.
"What made you think to sing to them?" Thorn asked softly, looking at the girl, whom he had fallen in love with while watching her sing just months before.
Sienna smiled and then leaned over to kiss Thorn quickly on the lips. "They just needed to hear the words, I think," she replied.
Well, what did you think? The last chapter will be out soon, I think, and that chapter will have a new song in it as well. Please read and review.
To all IaHB writers: have you guys joined the IaHB fanfic yahoo group thingy that Maureen started a while ago? It's a place to post your fics and write about the show in e-mails to the group. Interested and can't figure out how to join? Ask me or Mo how to do it.
Also, Darkchilde set up a message board just for IaHB fans. There is a place to discuss the show and also to post fics. Here's the address: http://pub41.ezboard.com/binaheartbeat
And last, but not least, here's is another place to post fics:
http://pub56.ezboard.com/bderenswritersblock
This site is for all writers of all genres including: fanfics, poetry, original scifi, romance, humor, horror, etc. Check it out.
