Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHb related. The lyrics are from the song "Linger," by the Cranberries. I don't anything related to them either.
A/N: Sorry that it took me so long to get this next part out, guys. I've been concentrating on writing originals for a while. Hope you like this chapter. Please review.
Pg-13 for language. You have been warned.
The heater was turned up as high as it would go in the car, but I was still shivering. My jacket was zipped up all the way and a scarf was wrapped tightly around my neck. I tried to ignore the little bits of ice on the windshield that I must have missed when scraping it. Welcome to winter in Kingsport.
I had gotten back to Kingsport a couple of hours ago. Jeez, I have to admit that it was nice to leave the grueling semester of papers and finals behind in Syracuse as I went home for the holidays. It's funny, a part of me had been so excited to go to college at the end of the summer. It was like I couldn't wait to be more independent, more my own person. But now that the first semester was over, I was glad to see all the familiar sights of my hometown around me.
My mom had been so happy to have me home again. She had met me at the front door and wrapped me in a big hug before I could even say hi. But, I guess I understand. My mom and I were always close- even when I went through that rebellious stage in high school. Ahem, not that I was entirely through it now, of course.
So, after I had lugged my bags from the car up to my room, I had settled into a chair in the kitchen to chat with my mom. She was humming along to Christmas music that was playing on the little portable radio on the counter and she was baking Christmas treats. In that tiny moment, I remembered sitting in the exact place as a child, waiting impatiently for the cookies, fudge or whatever to come out of the oven. And then later on in years, it had been Jamie and I both sitting there waiting. Then we'd go to his house and wait for his mom's treats to bake.
Jamie.
I hadn't wanted to think about him much while I was at school. I wanted to just pretend that whatever issues had been left between us before I left for college would magically disappear before I got back. After all, college was going to be a whole new world for me and I didn't want to have anything in the back of my mind preventing me from enjoying my first semester.
But, it's funny how you want one thing and actually get another. I mean, here I had been hoping that my mind wouldn't constantly turn to thoughts of Jamie, but that's exactly what it did. Little things reminded me of him: the kid who lived down the hall, who had been an EMT like Jamie was; the motorcycle parked everyday in the upper classmen parking lot; the picture of he and I at homecoming that had been taped to the side of my computer screen in my dorm room.
So many thoughts of Jamie, but none of it had been enough to make me e-mail or call him. Okay, call me a coward, but I just couldn't talk to him then. I just couldn't deal with the fact that we hadn't spoken since the night of the concert. I mean, we hadn't even spoken to each other when I had come home for Thanksgiving break. And besides, what was I supposed to say? The truth? Oh yeah, that would go over big. I can just see it now. I'd call Jamie up and say, " hey, sorry about pushing you away. I really didn't want to, but I was scared and confused. But, now that I'm back, can we pick up where we left off?" Oh yeah, that would be just great.
Anyway, I had sat in the kitchen and had answered the generic college questions posed by my mom. How were finals? Are you glad the first semester is over? Are you glad to be home? I kind of figured these kinds of questions would be coming. Mom wanted to know all about my first semester experience.
But, as soon as there was a lull in my mom's rapid fire of questions, I had blurted out the one thing that had been on my mind the entire drive home. "Has Jamie called yet?"
I figured he would call to see what time I was getting in. I mean, why wouldn't he? We were great friends and all that. Of course, there was that whole kiss/ concert ordeal between us…and we hadn't even seen each other Thanksgiving break, he hadn't called then……. but he'd call now, wouldn't he? I had spent the whole drive home convincing myself that he would call. He would. He had to.
Mom had sadly shaken her head no. I think she could feel my disappointment because after a few seconds of silence, she had suggested that I take a drive around town, maybe stop at Val's house. Immediately, I had jumped at the chance. I hadn't seen Val since before we left for college. So, I had thrown on my big lumpy winter jacket and had set back out into the snow.
I thought about driving to Jamie's house first, before going to Val's but with a quick glance down at the little clock on the dash, I realized school wasn't out yet for him. I smiled, thinking how he still had another half of year to go before he graduated high school. A part of me wondered how he was faring. Did he still get detention practically every day? I guess if I had e-mailed him, I'd know the answer to that question. But, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it while I was at college.
The drive to Val's house was so short that the car didn't even have time to heat up all the way. So, I was still shivering when I pulled into her driveway and put the car in park. A quick thought of how warm Val's house would be in comparison to the car flashed across my mind and I clambered out of the car and up the two front steps with enough speed to make my high school gym teacher proud.
My hand was raised in a fist, ready to knock, when the door flew open and 115 pounds of Val Lanier came flying at me. With a little squeal, she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me.
"Oh Caitie," She said, before pulling back from me, "I'm so glad to see you. I was so hoping you'd come by when you got home."
I smiled even though I was still freezing. It was so great to see my best friend again after so long. All thoughts of problems with Jamie slipped out of my mind as I followed her inside the house and shut the door. It was so cool, it was like we were like we had always been- Caitie and Val- no problems whatsoever. Why couldn't Jamie and I be like that again, I thought vaguely as I half-listened to Val ramble on about her semester.
She was so excited, practically bouncing down the short hallway towards the living room. She explained how much fun it had been for her to live in the dorm and all the new friends she had made and how she was in the cheerleading squad already, which was so great because the tryouts for freshman were so hard. My head was spinning just listening to her talk. But it was great! I hadn't even realized to the full extent how much I had missed Val until I listened to her babble excitedly. And I had to smile. She hadn't changed a bit and I was so very glad of that.
When we got to the living room, I was not necessarily surprised to see that I was not the only one who had gotten the idea to visit her. Hank and Tyler were sitting on the couch, laughing at some comment that had been shared between the two before we had come into the room. They both looked up and greeted me as Val and I came into the room and I said, "hey," right back at them.
You know, I had never really been close to them in high school. But they had always been friends of Val's and Jamie's……Jamie…..no I will not think about him…… and so they had kind of become friends of mine too. Well, friends that I didn't really talk to that much. They were cool though, you know, for being jocks and all.
I settled into a chair across from the couch and Val sat down in a chair next to me. This all felt so normal to me, like we hadn't even left high school and gone to college for a whole semester. How many times had we all sat in these exact positions and talked about nothing important after a long day of stupid classes in high school? The only thing missing from this picture was Jamie.
"Have you guys, um, heard from Jamie lately?" I asked almost hesitantly, as if afraid of the answer. Okay, well, maybe a part of me was afraid of the answer. I mean, what if they had heard from him and I hadn't? He wouldn't have written to them and not me, right? I knew that I was the one out of this little motley group that he was the closest to. Well, at least he had been closest to. After the whole kiss/ concert thing, I wasn't so sure.
Hank nodded once. "I heard from him a couple of times during the semester on e-mail. Not anything really recent though."
Tyler and Val just nodded, but I felt my heart drop just a smidge. Okay, I told myself, it's no big deal. It wasn't like he talked to them all the time or anything like that. Besides, he probably was just too busy with school and the squad to e-mail me too. Yeah, that was it. No big deal. He couldn't possibly be mad at me still. Or hurt.
"Actually," Val added, "I told Brooke to have him to stop over here after school to see us. So we can all catch up with him. In fact, he should be here anytime."
This time I was the one who nodded. I said nothing, though. My mind was too busy spinning. Jamie was coming here..very soon. And why the heck was my heart all the sudden seeming to beat a smidge faster than before? Why should Jamie coming over to Val's house to see everyone affect me?
"Caitie," Val said, turning in her chair to face me. "There's probably something you should know before---." The sound of knocking on the front door cut her off and with a quick look at Tyler and Hank, which I didn't really have time to interpret, she rose from her chair and walked to answer the front door.
If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I heard his voice before I saw him. I heard him greet Val and I heard her return the greeting, but her voice was kind of muffled, so I figured she was probably giving him a hug hello. They were just out of my line of vision, but Tyler and Hank could see down the short hallway to the door just fine. They both had been looking down that way when Val had gone to the door, but now they looked at each other as if talking telepathically. Tyler shot a glance over at me before looking back to meet Hank's eye and I knew, just knew, something was wrong.
What the heck was it? What was the problem? I remembered that Val had wanted to tell me something right before Jamie had knocked on the door. Was it something to do with Jamie? I had no idea what all the glances my way were for, but I knew that Tyler and Hank obviously knew something I did not.
And then I heard the voice. There was Val's voice and Jamie's voice, intertwining as they talked enthusiastically by the door. And another voice. Another female voice to be exact. My brow furrowed as I tried to hear what they were saying. Who was standing in the kitchen area with Jamie and Val? The voice sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn't really place it. There was a bubble of laughter and I tried yet again to remember where I had heard that person's voice before.
My eyes darted over to where Hank and Tyler sat on the couch, looking at me very uncomfortably. And I knew. It came to me all of the sudden as if someone had thrown a switch in my brain and the name of the person was there. Bobbie. Bobbie was in Val's house. She had come with Jamie. And here I was sitting in the living room.
I felt my stomach drop as if I was on a roller coaster. Tears threatened to build up in my eyes, but I gritted my teeth. Maybe Bobbie was just borrowing a CD from Val…or a shirt. Aw, who was I kidding? The only way Val would even know Bobbie was through Jamie. And if Bobbie and Jamie were hanging out together, that might mean that they were……
And why should it matter to me if they were….? And how come I can't even seem to say that there is a possibility that they might be…… It was Jamie's life. His choice. And besides, it wasn't like I was jealous. It wasn't like I had spent the whole semester thinking about him and finally admitting to myself the night before I came home that maybe I did actually want to be a little more to him than friends. It wasn't like I had spent the entire time thinking about how I hoped he had called while I drove home. Okay, that's what it really was like. All of those things were true, I confess. But, now….Bobbie?!?!
The voices got closer as they came down the little hallway and into the living room. And I steeled myself for the worst. Seeing Jamie would be one thing- a very hard thing, indeed- but seeing him standing next to Bobbie would be awful.
I bit my lip and prayed that I would somehow be able to disappear from the room like a ghost. I did not want to be there. Jeez, you could not have paid me enough money to want to be there. I knew that whatever happened in that room was going to suck really bad.
"Just breathe," Hank said quietly, his dark eyes intent on me. "And smile."
"Yeah," Tyler added, "don't let her get to you."
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
All three of us looked up as Val, Jamie, and…Bobbie came into the room. Tyler and Hank immediately stood up (blocking me from Jamie's view) so that they could slap Jamie on the back, high five him, do complicated handshakes or whatever the heck guys do when they greet each other. I didn't move. I would prefer to think that my butt was glued to the seat only because I wanted to show I was not affected in anyway by the new member to our little group. But, in actuality, my legs were shaking really bad. No, I told myself. This is not happening. Can't be.
Everyone was laughing and talking at the same time and I just kind of sat there, thinking that maybe my prayers had been answered and I had disappeared. And then Tyler and Hank moved to sit back down on the couch and Jamie's eyes came to rest on me. At first his eyes- had I ever really noticed how dark they were before?- widened, but then as if catching himself, they narrowed.
"Caitie," he said as a statement. No " how the heck are you?". No "I've missed you". Nothing at all. Just my name. He didn't even move forward a step to greet me. And of course, seeing that my nerves were pretty much shot, I couldn't move myself.
"Hi Jamie," I said quietly, with a sad little smile. I wanted him to grin at me like he always used to. I wanted him to complain that I hadn't written to him and how we were due for a movie marathon again. But, he didn't do any of that. Instead, he just looked at me for a minute with hard eyes as if assessing me. Then without another word, he turned and strode to sit on the couch with Bobbie in between Tyler and Hank. The sad little smile dropped off my face and was replaced with a big fat frown.
I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
Why was this happening like this? My homecoming from college was not supposed to be like this at all. It was supposed to be great- see all the old friends, hang out with Jamie. Lots of fun and no worries. But, what was this? Jamie was acting as if he hated me and Val was trying her best to keep up a conversation, even though the tension in the air kind of killed it all.
Jamie and I had always said that we would be friends no matter what. No matter what. We always said that nothing could stand in the way of us being friends. Okay, yeah, at the time that we had said this, there had been no way that we would have known that we would kiss and stuff. But still, didn't our friendship mean anything to him? Didn't he still at least want to be friends?
Val rambled on with Tyler and Hank trying desperately to fill in the gaps. Jamie looked tense, as if he would fly off the couch at any second. And Bobbie looked absolutely way too cozy sitting next to Jamie. Sitting way too close to Jamie. Damn her.
So why were you holding her hand Is that the way we standHank was talking now, but I didn't hear a word he said. I was too busy staring at Bobbie's right hand, which was slowly covering Jamie's left one. Jamie laughed at whatever Hank said and without even looking at Bobbie, he stretched his fingers out so that her fingers could intertwine with his own. I felt my stomach fall and all at once I was afraid that maybe I would be throwing up some of my mom's Christmas cookies all over the nice neat rug in Val's living room.
My eyes flicked to where Val sat and she returned my gaze with a sympathetic one of her own. Jeez, I must have looked so pathetic sitting there. I mean, I couldn't do anything and no words were coming to my mind at all. So, it wasn't like I could join the conversation. Besides, even if I could think of something to say, how could I possibly just sit there and pretend everything was all wonderful? Jamie was sitting across from me holding Bobbie's hand. I had never thought that that would happen. I thought that the whole Bobbie thing was over a long time ago. How could this have happened? How could they have ended up together?
I felt like crap. Totally.
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
As everyone kept talking and acting cheerful, I stared at the floor and let my mind wander a bit back to the time right before I had left for college. Even though I really didn't want it to, my mind went straight to that night when Jamie and I had been having our movie marathon. That was where the problem started, really. See, I had challenged Jamie to kiss me. It shouldn't have been such a big deal, but it turned into something huge. When we kissed…..well, let's just say that it was a lot different that I thought it would be. I mean, I hadn't expected to actually feel something when we kissed. It had just been a dare, a little joke on my part. But, it turned out to be something a bit more serious. And I wasn't the only one who seemed to get into it. Jamie seemed to have enjoyed himself a bit too. He probably would have kept right on kissing me if I hadn't pulled away from him.
And then there was that time right before I left for school, when we had gone to the Sienna concert. The concert had kicked total ass, but things were still not cool between Jamie and I. After the concert, he had given me a note that told me exactly what he had thought of the whole kiss thing.
But I'm in so deep
You know, I kept that note. I even (for some reason beyond my own comprehension) took it to school with me. I kept it in the top drawer of my desk. And sometimes-okay, a lot of times- I would take it out and read it. Over and over again. It was that letter that kind of made me think about Jamie and I in a different light. We had always been friends and I had never wanted to do anything to jeopardize that friendship. But, that letter made me realize how important he was to me. I had even made a promise to myself that I would tell him exactly what he meant to me when I saw him next. It looked like I was too late on that one, though. Bobbie had gotten to him first. Damn her.
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around you finger
I glanced back up at Jamie and found him looking at me. The conversation was still roaring away around us, but it was as if all that didn't matter. He was just staring at me, his deep eyes boring into mine like he was trying to send me a message telepathically. I blinked thinking that it would kind of wake him up from the stupor he seemed to be in, but he just continued to stare at me, his mouth in a grim line. Why the heck wouldn't he look away?
Do you have to, do you have to let it linger
I thought again about the little promise I had made myself before coming home for vacation. I had actually been kind of nervous about telling him how I felt. Imagine me, Caitie Roth, nervous to talk to Jamie Waite. Normally, it wouldn't be a problem at all to talk to him. But, this was different. It was way different.
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong
But, a part of me had been excited, too, to be able to talk to him and tell him the truth. I had thought that everything would be cool. Maybe he'd even kiss me again. Sure, I knew that it would change our relationship and all that, but heck, it could have been for the better, right? Of course, I guess we'll never know now.
"You know," Val said, drawing me out of my sad little reverie and making me look away from Jamie, "all of us should go out for some pizza. To catch up."
The unspoken 'and let Jamie and Caitie talk' was left hanging in the air.
Hey, I thought it was a great idea. I mean, how much more of a strange group could we possibly get? There were Tyler, Hank and Val, who were trying their hardest to act all perky and excited to see everyone, be back in their old hometown, etc. And then there was Jamie, who was attempting not to look at me. He pretty much talked to everyone else and pretended that I didn't exist. Then there was Bobbie, who did not belong, no matter what anyone said. She was sitting way to close to Jamie, holding his hand, and it was really bugging me. And then there was me, who was wishing mightily that I could just disappear. Yeah Val, great idea, let's go get some pizza so I can hear all the horrid details about how Jamie and Bobbie ended up together.
Tyler and Hank nodded viciously at Val's idea as if they agreed with it wholeheartedly. Of course, they probably just wanted to get us out of the house. I mean, in the comfort of Val's living room, there was always the possibility that Bobbie or I might jump out and claw the other one's eyeballs out. But in public, they knew that neither of us would probably make a scene. They really had nothing to worry about. I wouldn't do anything to Bobbie, not yet at least. I mean, I wasn't able to get out of the chair and beat her up because my legs were still kind of wobbly.
"Actually," Jamie said, his eyes never straying a few feet from where Val sat to where I sat. "We just wanted to stop by for a few minutes. Um..Bobbie and I have plans tonight."
I felt my jaw drop. They had 'plans'? Did this mean that they were at least semi-serious? Oh boy, this was worse than I thought.
Bobbie grinned and giggled. I mean, she actually giggled. It was such a disgusting display of lack of intelligence on her part. I watched as she squeezed Jamie's hand and then looked around room at the rest of the group.
"Tonight is our movie night," she said and I felt my heart fall. They had a movie night? I thought that was Jamie's and my thing. "We are going to watch some movie called "Sliding Doors". Jamie said he heard it was good."
I felt myself pale. Then she looked directly at me for what she said next. "He's seen half of it before, but he never got to see the second part."
Score one for Bobbie. Cheap shot. Bitch.
She giggled again and then leaned over to kiss Jamie's cheek with a big smack. I grimaced, thinking that now he had her germs all over his cheek. Tyler rolled his eyes and Hank and Val just looked extremely uncomfortable. But Jamie……… Jamie looked uncomfortable too. And for a minute, (I swear I did not make this up) he looked kind of annoyed. He flicked a glance over at Bobbie, which did not look very happy at all. And there was something else too. He was clenching his jaw.
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
What was this? He looked angry. And he never clenched his jaw unless he had some serious stuff on his mind. And shouldn't he have had no problem with his new girlfriend kissing him? Something wasn't right. In my heart, I felt a little glimmer of hope. I mean, all of the sudden I noticed how stiff Jamie was sitting, and how his body was actually leaning slightly away from Bobbie. It was Bobbie that was all over him.
Jamie turned and caught my questioning glance, but he looked away quickly before I could raise my eyebrow. He knew I knew something was up. I mean, I knew Jamie Waite better than anyone else did- especially that horrible, horrible little girl Bobbie. So, Jamie would know I would pick up on the signs that he was upset.
"We have to go," he said and then stood from the couch, pulling Bobbie to her feet. He said good-bye to everyone, excluding me, of course. And then practically pulled Bobbie out of the room to the front door. Val went with them.
I sighed as soon as they were gone and slumped in my chair, feeling the tension in my body start to flow away. But, something was still bothering me. Why had Jamie reacted that way when Bobbie had simply kissed him? Granted, she did it in a really show-offy manner, but he shouldn't have cared if it was his girlfriend. If he really cared about her.
He cared about you at one time, my mind said and I felt sadness wash over me. Yes, he did. He even wrote me a letter saying how much he cared for me. "But you always really knew," I whispered, as if Jamie could hear me. "You always knew what your feelings were."
And then as I heard the front door close, I added something else to my whispering. "I just want to be with you."
Well, after that, the real party started. Val came back into the living room and with Tyler and Hank proceeded to apologize profusely for what had just happened.
"Oh Caitie," Val said, her brow furrowed in worry, "I am so sorry about that. I didn't know that he would be bringing her with him."
I was going to act like it didn't matter, like it was okay that Jamie had decided to be with someone else. I really was going to be all cool about it. There was just one problem. It really did matter that Jamie was with someone else- it pissed me off and made me depressed at the same time. "How did this happen?" I managed to say.
"Well," Hank started, "apparently after we all left for college, Jamie started racing again. And Bobbie was there. And I guess one thing led to another…..
"If it makes you feel any better," Tyler said. "We don't think they should be together."
"Yeah, you are so much better for him," Hank added.
Val nodded. "And we like you more. None of us like Bobbie at all."
You know, sometimes you really have to love the perky cheerleader.
But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to let it linger
I really should have started feeling better around that time. I mean, here I had my friends with me, who backed me up on this. But, I still didn't have Jamie. Why did he look annoyed at Bobbie, my mind asked incessantly as Val, Tyler and Hank started to list some of Bobbie's less than desirable personality traits. Why did he look almost as if he didn't want to be near her?
Something weird was going on. Something was not right with Jamie. Something……
"I have to go," I announced abruptly and stood from the chair. I smiled at Val to show her I was okay. And I said goodbye to the guys. Then I booked it out of Val's house before they could stop me. If they stopped me, they might have gotten me to tell them what I planned on doing. And then they most likely would have talked me out of it. Or at least, I imagine, they would have tried. But, this way, I left them in the dark.
They had no idea that I was on my over to Jamie's house to finally tell him how I felt. Bobbie or no Bobbie, I was going to tell him.
TBC. Please review. Thanks.
