The Sins of The Father
~Chapter Four--The Present, The Future, and Everything in Between~
~Present Day~
"Chandler, I really think we need to talk," Daniel looked pleadingly at his son, who glared at him with contempt.
"Tell my friends the truth," Chandler replied stubbornly.
"Fine," Daniel relented, and turned to the group of near-strangers standing in the living room, "I was jailed for manslaughter, okay?"
"Manslaughter?" Ross repeated, his eyes widening in shock.
"What...how did--uh, who did you?" Rachel stammered, unconsciously backing away toward Ross.
"Chandler, I really don't think I should be the one to do this," Daniel started.
"Look, Daniel, I think it might be best if you go," Nora interrupted, seeing that Chandler was on the verge of another panic attack.
"Yeah, okay. I just--I know you hate me Chandler, but--"
"Yes, I do," Chandler said, as he tried to control the involuntary trembling in his body and voice.
"I really have changed. I'm not on those drugs anymore. And I just want to get to know you." With that, Daniel left the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.
As soon as Daniel left, Nora turned back to Chandler. "Are you okay?" She asked softly. She could see that he wasn't. His eyes were lined with tears, and he was sweating. "Chandler, sit down, honey."
Chandler wanted to stay in control, and he had done well in the presence of his father. But now that he was gone, Chandler could feel all of his anxieties coming back. The loss of control scared him to death.
"Chandler, look at me," Nora instructed sternly. Chandler looked at Nora, panic lining his eyes. "Breathe."
Chandler took several deep shaky breaths, but to no avail. His brain was already shutting down on him.
He grasped Nora's hand, knowing that she was fully aware of what he needed. She had sat with him through these attacks before. The attacks had started after his mother's suicide. The suicide had brought back all that had happened to him as a young child, and it had taken him much longer to recover. In the end, he had repressed most of the memories, and made an attempt at a normal life again.
Chandler had managed to live without the memories haunting him, until Monica had told him she was pregnant. But even then, he'd managed to stay in control. It wasn't until his father's visit that the images that he had fought for so long to extinguish came back to him. And now, just like they had when he was thirteen, the memories overwhelmed him, took him over, and drowned him in sorrow and fear.
"Ross, Joey, help me get Chandler to his room," Nora said quietly. Ross and Joey snapped to attention, half-carrying a now catatonic Chandler toward the door.
"Maybe we should put him in my room," Monica suggested, "So that he can be close by." Monica was afraid to even let Chandler out of her sight. She had never seen him like this, and it scared her. She wanted to take him far away from all of this, and tell him that everything would be okay. But she knew she couldn't.
"Good idea," Nora said, and guided the men toward Monica's room.
Phoebe and Rachel led Monica to the sofa, and sat her down. Once she was on the sofa, Monica completely broke down. Nora, Ross and Joey emerged from the bedroom a few minuted later, and Nora sat next to Monica, assuring her that Chandler would be okay.
"This has happened before, Monica. He'll be okay."
"He looked so...I've never seen him this way."
"He has repressed his memories for so long, but I kind of knew that this would happen if Daniel returned." Nora looked at Monica, and placed an arm around her. "You really love him, don't you?"
Monica nodded, "Yes, I do."
"Nora, who did Daniel kill?" Ross asked, as the others took a seat.
"He killed Chandler's little brother, and he nearly killed Chandler."
"Chandler had a brother?" Monica looked at Nora, shocked.
"I know that Chandler has told you that Charles and I are his family And I know that you want to know what's really going on. Let me start by telling you that I am not actually Chandler's mother," Nora watched the five friends carefully, not wanting to overwhelm them with information too quickly.
"You're not his mother? Then why--"
"My ex-husband Charles is Daniel's older brother. After the incident, we took Chandler in, and became his legal guardians."
"What about Chandler's mom?" Phoebe asked curiously.
"I think I'd better explain what happened on Thanksgiving first," Nora said slowly.
***
Chandler opened his eyes, and tried to focus on his surroundings. He was in Monica's room. How did he get here? And where was Monica? He sat up, and his head felt woozy. He shook his head, and stood up slowly. That was when he heard voices coming from the other room. He could hear Phoebe, and...Nora. He assumed that everyone was still out there. Chandler stood at the door for a minute, trying to decypher the conversation he was hearing through the door.
"I can't believe that we never knew any of this," he could hear Rachel say.
"He didn't want you to know. It's very painful for him," Nora replied.
"Well, it certainly explains his aversion to Thanksgiving food," Ross said.
The group fell silent, and Chandler took the opportunity to open the door, and walk out of the bedroom.
"Chandler, are you okay?" Nora approached Chandler, and guided him to the sofa.
"Yeah, I'm just sleepy. I'd forgotten how much these attacks take out of me."
Monica took Chandler's hand, and placed her head on his chest. He put his arm around her, and she began to cry into his chest.
"Mon, it's okay. I'm okay, really," he whispered.
Chandler looked around the room at his friends, and could see that they looked sad and frightened. He Chandler looked over at Nora, who was now sitting on the coffee table. "How much did you tell them?"
"I only told them about Thankgiving," she said quietly.
Chandler nodded, and pulled Monica closer. "I haven't thought about that day for a long time," he whispered.
"Chandler, why didn't you tell us before?" Ross asked softly.
"I didn't want to think about it. By the time I met you, Ross, I had mastered the art of repressing my memories. But every once in a while, the memories come back to me, and an attack seems to follow.It has only happened once since high school...well once before today."
Ross thought for a minute, before saying, "Oh, God, was that the time you disappeared for like, a week?"
"Yeah," Chandler nodded.
"Where did you go?"
*
~1990~
Chandler woke up suddenly, relieved to find that he was in his dorm room, and had been dreaming. The memory of the nightmare began to vanish quickly, but the dream had triggered old, very real memories. Chandler felt his hands begin to tremble, and his heart began to thump in his ears, drowning out the buzzing of Ross' stupid air purifier. Chandler looked over at Ross, who was sleeping soundly. He pulled himself out of bed, and grabbed his blanket. He was able to make it out to the hallway before the trembling got really bad. He blacked out for a short time, but came to before Ross woke up. A few people had passed him in the hallway, but, seeing that he was pale and shaky, they simply assumed that he was hung over, and let him be. Chandler stood up, and made his way to the roof of the building.
He sat up there for several hours, wondering if the attack was the first of many to come. He couldn't stay here, he didn't want Ross to know. He and Ross had become quite close over the past few years, and Ross had even invited him over for Thanksgiving once. But Chandler knew that he wasn't ready to deal with that, so he'd made up an excuse, saying that his Mom had called, and wanted to see him over the holiday. Ross had also invited him over the following year, and was met with a similar excuse. Chandler sighed heavily, walked back to his dorm room, and was relieved to see that Ross was not there. Chandler figured that he'd be with Carol for the rest of the night, so Chandler called Nora, showered, changed, and packed a bag, still unsure about whether or not he'd be able to return.
~Present Day~
"Geez, I had no idea," Ross said quietly. The room fell quiet for several minutes, as each of Chandler's friends tried to absorb all of what they had heard. They found it hard to believe that their funny, lovable, charming friend had such a dark past. They couldn't imagine it getting any worse.
"So, what happened to your Mom?" Phoebe realized that her original question to Nora had been left unanswered.
"My Mom killed herself when I was thirteen," Chandler said quietly.
"Oh, my God!" Phoebe said, closing her eyes. She thought about all of the times she had mentioned her mother's suicide over the past few years. She now wondered how Chandler had taken some of her offbeat remarks on the subject. Her mother's suicide had been painful, there was no doubt about that. But she had obviously handled the repercussions of her mother's death quite differently.
"She blamed herself for my brother's death, and for me being without my parents. She broke a picture frame and used the glass..." Chandler shook his head. After all these years, he still couldn't bring himself to talk about it.
*
~1982~
Caroline stared at the picture of her two sons for several hours. She missed them, so much. The hospital wouldn't allow Chandler into the ward, so she had to talk with him on the phone. He always sounded so distant when she talked to him. He seemed to be adjusting well to life with Nora and Charles, but she knew that she had done irreparable harm to her relationship with him. She looked at Jonah, and wished that she would have taken the boys away before That Night. She sat in her chair, alone in her room, crying for the next few hours. At around four in the morning, she came to a terrifying conclusion; She was a horrible mother. What kind of mother let's her own son die? She dropped the photo on the ground accidentely, and gasped as the frame shattered into hundreds of pieces. She pulled the frame from the broken glass, and looked at it again. She placed the photo in her pocket, and started to clean up the glass. That was when the idea hit her. She grabbed the biggest shard of glass she could find, and sat down on her bed. She was ready for the pain to stop.
*
Nora bought Chandler a suit, a black suit with a little black clip-on tie. Chandler fidgeted with the tie throughout his mother's service. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. The voices of people he barely knew carried throughout the church, but Chandler didn't hear anything that anybody said. It was here that he had his first attack.
He was thinking about his mother, and all of the things his father used to do to her. How he used to belittle her. He began to remember things that he had tried so hard to forget. He remembered the first time his father had hit him. Eventually, his mind wandered back to Thanksgiving. He began to shake, and didn't know what to do. All of the colour drained from his face, and he began to sweat. He was crying, but then, so was everyone in the church. He looked at Nora, terrified. She noticed this, and had Charles carry him out of the church, and to the hospital.
*
Chandler had several, smaller attacks for the next two years. As his mind slowly buried the memories, the attacks seemed to subside. By the time Chandler was in high school, he appeared to be fully recovered. He only had one other attack, during college, and that was when he left-mid semester, for a week. Chandler stayed with Nora, who had since divorced Charles so that he could move in with the housekeeper. In that week, Chandler told Nora that he had told his friends that she and Charles were his parents.
*
~Present Day~
Everyone in the room, apart from Nora and Chandler, was crying. Most of the reaction was shock, and sadness. They now bore the burden of Chandler's deeply painful past. They all realized that Chandler was much stronger than he had ever let on. And they all wondered how Chandler would handle the re-appearance of his father.
It seemed that Daniel really wanted to prove to Chandler that he had changed. They wondered if Chandler would ever let his father back into his life. They wondered if any of them would have even made it this far.
*
Monica and Chandler sat alone in Monica's apartment the next day. While Monica's mind was on the past, Chandler's was on the future. He looked at Monica, studying her face. She had been up most of the night, crying. Chandler felt awful. The last thing he wanted was for Monica to be hurt. But he had his own fears and reservations to deal with, and it was time to talk to Monica about them.
"Mon?" Chandler said softly.
"Yes," Monica looked at Chandler.
"I uh, I still need to explain something to you. The reason I freaked out about the baby--"
"Chandler I know you aren't ready," Monica interrupted.
"No, it's not that," Chandler said softly. "I--I don't want to be a father-at all."
"What?"
"I can't. I am afraid that I'll become--"
"Oh, God. Chandler, you are not him. You are nothing like him. You will be a great father!"
"But what if I do something--I just--I don't know," Chandler buried his face in his hands.
It was then that Monica realized what she needed to do. She had spent the past twenty-four hours crying over Chandler's past--but what she needed to do was focus on their future. She needed to be strong--strong for him. He didn't need her crying over what happened, he needed her to guide him. She took his hands from his face, and looked deep into his eyes.
"I trust you, sweetheart. I trust you with everything that I am. All you have to do is trust yourself."
Chandler smiled slightly, and pulled Monica into a long embrace. He still had doubts, but he felt better, knowing that Monica would be there, and that she loved him enough to see past all of his issues.
He hoped that her love would last.
*
Over the next week, Daniel made a concerted effort to prove to Chandler that he had changed. Chandler resisted him, still very wary of his father. Inside he was torn. In spite of all that his father had done, he was still his father. Did he deserve a second chance? Less than two weeks after Daniel's initial visit, Chandler would get his answer.
It was a Friday night. Monica was working late, Joey was on a date, and for the first time in a long time, Chandler found himself alone. He sat in his recliner revelling in the silence. Ever since his friends found out about his childhood, thay had been smothering him. He knew they meant well, and he knew that they didn't trust his father, who had been coming around occasionally to try and get himself back into Chandler's life. But Chandler couldn't help but to wonder if telling all of the the truth was a good thing. They treated him differently, and he didn't like it. He sighed, deciding that eventually, things would get back to normal. They just needed time to forget--the way he had, so many times before. Forget, and let it go. A sudden pounding on the front door startled Chandler out of his train of thought. He stood up, and opened the door.
"What are you doing here," Chandler asked his father coldly.
"Just let me in," Daniel pushed his way past Chandler, and walked into the apartment.
Chandler cocked his head to the side. His father was acting very strange. Since his return, Daniel had been very meek and quiet, and overly kind to Chandler. Tonight he seemed aggitated, and very antsy.
"What's going on?" Chandler asked warily, as his father wandered the room.
"They are kicking me out of the hotel I'm staying at. Something about late payments," Daniel said, his eyes moving back and forth quickly.
"Why didn't you call your parole officer?" Chandler asked, annoyed.
"Because you are my fucking son!" Daniel yelled, slamming his hand on the counter as he spoke.
Chandler jumped back, his eyes wide. He fought desperately to keep control, knowing that this time, his life may depend on it. "Are you drunk?" he asked, looking his father in the face.
"No!" Daniel said harshly, though it was obvious that he was.
Chandler walked to the door, and opened it. "Get out! Get out of my life!" it took all of the courage that Chandler could muster to say what he had to the man who had ruined the better part of his life. To Chandler's surprise, his father stalked toward the door. Chandler was relieved when he simply walked through it. Chandler sighed, and swung the door shut. But when the door wouldn't close all the way, Chandler closed his eyes, hoping that his father would just go away. He turned to see a foot in the door, and before he could react, the door swung back open, hitting Chandler square in the face. Chandler fell backwards, and tried to compose himself as his father walked back in, with the same look on his face he'd had on that horrible Thanksgiving night, all those years ago.
"Your Aunt Nora has spoiled you. You have no manners anymore," Daniel seethed.
Chandler tried to get around his father, but the foosball table got in his way. Daniel shut the front door, and locked every lock on the door. Chandler knew that Joey never carried a key. He had to keep it together, he had to try and think clearly. He lept for the phone, but his father reached him at the same time, and knocked the phone out of Chandler's hand.
"I'm not a kid anymore, you son-of-a-bitch. I will fight back," Chandler warned, though the shakiness in his voice betrayed him.
"Then fight," Daniel grinned.
Chandler stood, frozen on place. He looked around the room, hoping that he could find something...anything to help him.
*
It was like the worst dream he'd ever had. Everything was moving in slow motion. Before he knew he what was happening, he was on the floor, and he was losing hope. How had it come to this? How could he ever believe that the monster he grew up with could ever change? Chandler pulled himself up, and staggered to the kitchen, trying desperately to reach the door, before his father reached him. He could feel his eyes swelling, and his ribs hurt. He tasted blood in his mouth, and mentally scolded himself for getting into this situation again. As his father apporached, Chandler noticed his iron skillet, sitting on the stove. He grabbed it, and swung it around blindly.
Then, everything went black.
****
Joey shuffled up the steps to the apartment, humming absently. He really liked Gillian, and for the first time, he saw a future forming. He smiled, anxious to tell Chandler about his night. He tried opening the door, and was surprised to find it locked. He knocked loudly.
"Chandler, open up!"
When there was no answer, Joey walked into the girls' apartment. He found Monica in the kitchen making breakfast, and Rachel just waking up.
"Hey, I was wondering where you were. Is Chandler coming?" Monica asked.
"I was just about to ask you what was going on--the door is locked," Joey replied.
"What door?"
"The apartment door!"
"Don't you have a key?"
"It's never locked!"
Monica felt her heart begin to thump rapidly. Why was the door locked? She called Treeger, telling him it was an emergency, then joined Joey in the hallway, as he pounded on the door.
Twenty minutes later, Monica, Joey and Rachel had convinced Treeger to take the door off of it's hinges. As soon as they were able to slip through, the three friends made their way into the apartment.
The first thing that Monica saw was a pool of blood on the floor next to the counter. Her heart lept, as she pictured the very worst. Joey followed Monica's gaze, and closed his eyes. This wasn't happening.
They walked into the apartment, and saw the body. Monica let out a shaky breath, and Rachel ran out to call the police. The room was silent for a minute, and that was when Monica heard the whimpering. She tore her eyes away from Daniel, and scanned the apartment.
"Chandler?" Monica called out. After what felt like an eternity, she found him in his bedroom, wrapped in three blankets, hugging his knees. He was rocking back and forth, mumbling. Monica's heart broke. Whatever had happened here last night, it had ended in the worst way. Chandler was bleeding and bruised, and not even remotely aware of Monica's presence. Daniel was dead, apparently from a blow to the head with the wrought iron skillet that lay next to him on the floor. Monica kneeled in front of Chandler, and took his clammy, shaky hands in hers.
"I love you," she whispered over and over, her words falling on deaf ears.
*
Daniel was buried a week later, unceremoniously, with no one there to say good bye. Charges were never pressed against Chandler, as it was deemed to be purely self-defense. Chandler was treated for his physical injuries at Beth Israel Medical Center, and was then transferred to Bellevue to undergo Pshychiatric treatment. His friends were convinced that he would once again recover, and would be back to himself in a few months.
~5 Months Later~
"Hey sweetie," Monica walked in, and sat down next to Chandler. "I have some news. I went for another ultrasound today, and it looks like we're having a boy!" Monica smiled. "And, I was thinking--I mean, if it's okay with you, that is--I was thinking that we could name the baby Jonah."
Monica took Chandler's hand, and squeezed it reassuringly. "I think your Mom would have liked that," she said quietly. She looked at Chandler sadly. "Chandler, please. Please come back to us. Please."
Monica squeezed his hand once more, hoping that someday soon, he would squeeze back.
I have a tale to tell
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well
I was not ready for the fall
Too blind to see the writing on the wall
A man can tell a thousand lies
I've learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned
'Til then, it will burn inside of me.
I know where beauty lives
I've seen it once
I know the warmth she gives
The light that you could never see
It shines inside you can't take that from me
A man can tell a thousand lies
I've learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secrets I have learned
'Til then, it will burn inside of me.
The truth is never far behind
You kept it hidden well
If I live to tell the secret
Will I ever have the chance again
If I ran away
I'd never have the strength to go very far
How would they hear the beating of my heart
Will it grow cold?
The secret that I hide
Will I grow old?
How will they hear?
When will they learn?
How will they know?
("Live To Tell" Madonna)
~*~
~Chapter Four--The Present, The Future, and Everything in Between~
~Present Day~
"Chandler, I really think we need to talk," Daniel looked pleadingly at his son, who glared at him with contempt.
"Tell my friends the truth," Chandler replied stubbornly.
"Fine," Daniel relented, and turned to the group of near-strangers standing in the living room, "I was jailed for manslaughter, okay?"
"Manslaughter?" Ross repeated, his eyes widening in shock.
"What...how did--uh, who did you?" Rachel stammered, unconsciously backing away toward Ross.
"Chandler, I really don't think I should be the one to do this," Daniel started.
"Look, Daniel, I think it might be best if you go," Nora interrupted, seeing that Chandler was on the verge of another panic attack.
"Yeah, okay. I just--I know you hate me Chandler, but--"
"Yes, I do," Chandler said, as he tried to control the involuntary trembling in his body and voice.
"I really have changed. I'm not on those drugs anymore. And I just want to get to know you." With that, Daniel left the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.
As soon as Daniel left, Nora turned back to Chandler. "Are you okay?" She asked softly. She could see that he wasn't. His eyes were lined with tears, and he was sweating. "Chandler, sit down, honey."
Chandler wanted to stay in control, and he had done well in the presence of his father. But now that he was gone, Chandler could feel all of his anxieties coming back. The loss of control scared him to death.
"Chandler, look at me," Nora instructed sternly. Chandler looked at Nora, panic lining his eyes. "Breathe."
Chandler took several deep shaky breaths, but to no avail. His brain was already shutting down on him.
He grasped Nora's hand, knowing that she was fully aware of what he needed. She had sat with him through these attacks before. The attacks had started after his mother's suicide. The suicide had brought back all that had happened to him as a young child, and it had taken him much longer to recover. In the end, he had repressed most of the memories, and made an attempt at a normal life again.
Chandler had managed to live without the memories haunting him, until Monica had told him she was pregnant. But even then, he'd managed to stay in control. It wasn't until his father's visit that the images that he had fought for so long to extinguish came back to him. And now, just like they had when he was thirteen, the memories overwhelmed him, took him over, and drowned him in sorrow and fear.
"Ross, Joey, help me get Chandler to his room," Nora said quietly. Ross and Joey snapped to attention, half-carrying a now catatonic Chandler toward the door.
"Maybe we should put him in my room," Monica suggested, "So that he can be close by." Monica was afraid to even let Chandler out of her sight. She had never seen him like this, and it scared her. She wanted to take him far away from all of this, and tell him that everything would be okay. But she knew she couldn't.
"Good idea," Nora said, and guided the men toward Monica's room.
Phoebe and Rachel led Monica to the sofa, and sat her down. Once she was on the sofa, Monica completely broke down. Nora, Ross and Joey emerged from the bedroom a few minuted later, and Nora sat next to Monica, assuring her that Chandler would be okay.
"This has happened before, Monica. He'll be okay."
"He looked so...I've never seen him this way."
"He has repressed his memories for so long, but I kind of knew that this would happen if Daniel returned." Nora looked at Monica, and placed an arm around her. "You really love him, don't you?"
Monica nodded, "Yes, I do."
"Nora, who did Daniel kill?" Ross asked, as the others took a seat.
"He killed Chandler's little brother, and he nearly killed Chandler."
"Chandler had a brother?" Monica looked at Nora, shocked.
"I know that Chandler has told you that Charles and I are his family And I know that you want to know what's really going on. Let me start by telling you that I am not actually Chandler's mother," Nora watched the five friends carefully, not wanting to overwhelm them with information too quickly.
"You're not his mother? Then why--"
"My ex-husband Charles is Daniel's older brother. After the incident, we took Chandler in, and became his legal guardians."
"What about Chandler's mom?" Phoebe asked curiously.
"I think I'd better explain what happened on Thanksgiving first," Nora said slowly.
***
Chandler opened his eyes, and tried to focus on his surroundings. He was in Monica's room. How did he get here? And where was Monica? He sat up, and his head felt woozy. He shook his head, and stood up slowly. That was when he heard voices coming from the other room. He could hear Phoebe, and...Nora. He assumed that everyone was still out there. Chandler stood at the door for a minute, trying to decypher the conversation he was hearing through the door.
"I can't believe that we never knew any of this," he could hear Rachel say.
"He didn't want you to know. It's very painful for him," Nora replied.
"Well, it certainly explains his aversion to Thanksgiving food," Ross said.
The group fell silent, and Chandler took the opportunity to open the door, and walk out of the bedroom.
"Chandler, are you okay?" Nora approached Chandler, and guided him to the sofa.
"Yeah, I'm just sleepy. I'd forgotten how much these attacks take out of me."
Monica took Chandler's hand, and placed her head on his chest. He put his arm around her, and she began to cry into his chest.
"Mon, it's okay. I'm okay, really," he whispered.
Chandler looked around the room at his friends, and could see that they looked sad and frightened. He Chandler looked over at Nora, who was now sitting on the coffee table. "How much did you tell them?"
"I only told them about Thankgiving," she said quietly.
Chandler nodded, and pulled Monica closer. "I haven't thought about that day for a long time," he whispered.
"Chandler, why didn't you tell us before?" Ross asked softly.
"I didn't want to think about it. By the time I met you, Ross, I had mastered the art of repressing my memories. But every once in a while, the memories come back to me, and an attack seems to follow.It has only happened once since high school...well once before today."
Ross thought for a minute, before saying, "Oh, God, was that the time you disappeared for like, a week?"
"Yeah," Chandler nodded.
"Where did you go?"
*
~1990~
Chandler woke up suddenly, relieved to find that he was in his dorm room, and had been dreaming. The memory of the nightmare began to vanish quickly, but the dream had triggered old, very real memories. Chandler felt his hands begin to tremble, and his heart began to thump in his ears, drowning out the buzzing of Ross' stupid air purifier. Chandler looked over at Ross, who was sleeping soundly. He pulled himself out of bed, and grabbed his blanket. He was able to make it out to the hallway before the trembling got really bad. He blacked out for a short time, but came to before Ross woke up. A few people had passed him in the hallway, but, seeing that he was pale and shaky, they simply assumed that he was hung over, and let him be. Chandler stood up, and made his way to the roof of the building.
He sat up there for several hours, wondering if the attack was the first of many to come. He couldn't stay here, he didn't want Ross to know. He and Ross had become quite close over the past few years, and Ross had even invited him over for Thanksgiving once. But Chandler knew that he wasn't ready to deal with that, so he'd made up an excuse, saying that his Mom had called, and wanted to see him over the holiday. Ross had also invited him over the following year, and was met with a similar excuse. Chandler sighed heavily, walked back to his dorm room, and was relieved to see that Ross was not there. Chandler figured that he'd be with Carol for the rest of the night, so Chandler called Nora, showered, changed, and packed a bag, still unsure about whether or not he'd be able to return.
~Present Day~
"Geez, I had no idea," Ross said quietly. The room fell quiet for several minutes, as each of Chandler's friends tried to absorb all of what they had heard. They found it hard to believe that their funny, lovable, charming friend had such a dark past. They couldn't imagine it getting any worse.
"So, what happened to your Mom?" Phoebe realized that her original question to Nora had been left unanswered.
"My Mom killed herself when I was thirteen," Chandler said quietly.
"Oh, my God!" Phoebe said, closing her eyes. She thought about all of the times she had mentioned her mother's suicide over the past few years. She now wondered how Chandler had taken some of her offbeat remarks on the subject. Her mother's suicide had been painful, there was no doubt about that. But she had obviously handled the repercussions of her mother's death quite differently.
"She blamed herself for my brother's death, and for me being without my parents. She broke a picture frame and used the glass..." Chandler shook his head. After all these years, he still couldn't bring himself to talk about it.
*
~1982~
Caroline stared at the picture of her two sons for several hours. She missed them, so much. The hospital wouldn't allow Chandler into the ward, so she had to talk with him on the phone. He always sounded so distant when she talked to him. He seemed to be adjusting well to life with Nora and Charles, but she knew that she had done irreparable harm to her relationship with him. She looked at Jonah, and wished that she would have taken the boys away before That Night. She sat in her chair, alone in her room, crying for the next few hours. At around four in the morning, she came to a terrifying conclusion; She was a horrible mother. What kind of mother let's her own son die? She dropped the photo on the ground accidentely, and gasped as the frame shattered into hundreds of pieces. She pulled the frame from the broken glass, and looked at it again. She placed the photo in her pocket, and started to clean up the glass. That was when the idea hit her. She grabbed the biggest shard of glass she could find, and sat down on her bed. She was ready for the pain to stop.
*
Nora bought Chandler a suit, a black suit with a little black clip-on tie. Chandler fidgeted with the tie throughout his mother's service. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. The voices of people he barely knew carried throughout the church, but Chandler didn't hear anything that anybody said. It was here that he had his first attack.
He was thinking about his mother, and all of the things his father used to do to her. How he used to belittle her. He began to remember things that he had tried so hard to forget. He remembered the first time his father had hit him. Eventually, his mind wandered back to Thanksgiving. He began to shake, and didn't know what to do. All of the colour drained from his face, and he began to sweat. He was crying, but then, so was everyone in the church. He looked at Nora, terrified. She noticed this, and had Charles carry him out of the church, and to the hospital.
*
Chandler had several, smaller attacks for the next two years. As his mind slowly buried the memories, the attacks seemed to subside. By the time Chandler was in high school, he appeared to be fully recovered. He only had one other attack, during college, and that was when he left-mid semester, for a week. Chandler stayed with Nora, who had since divorced Charles so that he could move in with the housekeeper. In that week, Chandler told Nora that he had told his friends that she and Charles were his parents.
*
~Present Day~
Everyone in the room, apart from Nora and Chandler, was crying. Most of the reaction was shock, and sadness. They now bore the burden of Chandler's deeply painful past. They all realized that Chandler was much stronger than he had ever let on. And they all wondered how Chandler would handle the re-appearance of his father.
It seemed that Daniel really wanted to prove to Chandler that he had changed. They wondered if Chandler would ever let his father back into his life. They wondered if any of them would have even made it this far.
*
Monica and Chandler sat alone in Monica's apartment the next day. While Monica's mind was on the past, Chandler's was on the future. He looked at Monica, studying her face. She had been up most of the night, crying. Chandler felt awful. The last thing he wanted was for Monica to be hurt. But he had his own fears and reservations to deal with, and it was time to talk to Monica about them.
"Mon?" Chandler said softly.
"Yes," Monica looked at Chandler.
"I uh, I still need to explain something to you. The reason I freaked out about the baby--"
"Chandler I know you aren't ready," Monica interrupted.
"No, it's not that," Chandler said softly. "I--I don't want to be a father-at all."
"What?"
"I can't. I am afraid that I'll become--"
"Oh, God. Chandler, you are not him. You are nothing like him. You will be a great father!"
"But what if I do something--I just--I don't know," Chandler buried his face in his hands.
It was then that Monica realized what she needed to do. She had spent the past twenty-four hours crying over Chandler's past--but what she needed to do was focus on their future. She needed to be strong--strong for him. He didn't need her crying over what happened, he needed her to guide him. She took his hands from his face, and looked deep into his eyes.
"I trust you, sweetheart. I trust you with everything that I am. All you have to do is trust yourself."
Chandler smiled slightly, and pulled Monica into a long embrace. He still had doubts, but he felt better, knowing that Monica would be there, and that she loved him enough to see past all of his issues.
He hoped that her love would last.
*
Over the next week, Daniel made a concerted effort to prove to Chandler that he had changed. Chandler resisted him, still very wary of his father. Inside he was torn. In spite of all that his father had done, he was still his father. Did he deserve a second chance? Less than two weeks after Daniel's initial visit, Chandler would get his answer.
It was a Friday night. Monica was working late, Joey was on a date, and for the first time in a long time, Chandler found himself alone. He sat in his recliner revelling in the silence. Ever since his friends found out about his childhood, thay had been smothering him. He knew they meant well, and he knew that they didn't trust his father, who had been coming around occasionally to try and get himself back into Chandler's life. But Chandler couldn't help but to wonder if telling all of the the truth was a good thing. They treated him differently, and he didn't like it. He sighed, deciding that eventually, things would get back to normal. They just needed time to forget--the way he had, so many times before. Forget, and let it go. A sudden pounding on the front door startled Chandler out of his train of thought. He stood up, and opened the door.
"What are you doing here," Chandler asked his father coldly.
"Just let me in," Daniel pushed his way past Chandler, and walked into the apartment.
Chandler cocked his head to the side. His father was acting very strange. Since his return, Daniel had been very meek and quiet, and overly kind to Chandler. Tonight he seemed aggitated, and very antsy.
"What's going on?" Chandler asked warily, as his father wandered the room.
"They are kicking me out of the hotel I'm staying at. Something about late payments," Daniel said, his eyes moving back and forth quickly.
"Why didn't you call your parole officer?" Chandler asked, annoyed.
"Because you are my fucking son!" Daniel yelled, slamming his hand on the counter as he spoke.
Chandler jumped back, his eyes wide. He fought desperately to keep control, knowing that this time, his life may depend on it. "Are you drunk?" he asked, looking his father in the face.
"No!" Daniel said harshly, though it was obvious that he was.
Chandler walked to the door, and opened it. "Get out! Get out of my life!" it took all of the courage that Chandler could muster to say what he had to the man who had ruined the better part of his life. To Chandler's surprise, his father stalked toward the door. Chandler was relieved when he simply walked through it. Chandler sighed, and swung the door shut. But when the door wouldn't close all the way, Chandler closed his eyes, hoping that his father would just go away. He turned to see a foot in the door, and before he could react, the door swung back open, hitting Chandler square in the face. Chandler fell backwards, and tried to compose himself as his father walked back in, with the same look on his face he'd had on that horrible Thanksgiving night, all those years ago.
"Your Aunt Nora has spoiled you. You have no manners anymore," Daniel seethed.
Chandler tried to get around his father, but the foosball table got in his way. Daniel shut the front door, and locked every lock on the door. Chandler knew that Joey never carried a key. He had to keep it together, he had to try and think clearly. He lept for the phone, but his father reached him at the same time, and knocked the phone out of Chandler's hand.
"I'm not a kid anymore, you son-of-a-bitch. I will fight back," Chandler warned, though the shakiness in his voice betrayed him.
"Then fight," Daniel grinned.
Chandler stood, frozen on place. He looked around the room, hoping that he could find something...anything to help him.
*
It was like the worst dream he'd ever had. Everything was moving in slow motion. Before he knew he what was happening, he was on the floor, and he was losing hope. How had it come to this? How could he ever believe that the monster he grew up with could ever change? Chandler pulled himself up, and staggered to the kitchen, trying desperately to reach the door, before his father reached him. He could feel his eyes swelling, and his ribs hurt. He tasted blood in his mouth, and mentally scolded himself for getting into this situation again. As his father apporached, Chandler noticed his iron skillet, sitting on the stove. He grabbed it, and swung it around blindly.
Then, everything went black.
****
Joey shuffled up the steps to the apartment, humming absently. He really liked Gillian, and for the first time, he saw a future forming. He smiled, anxious to tell Chandler about his night. He tried opening the door, and was surprised to find it locked. He knocked loudly.
"Chandler, open up!"
When there was no answer, Joey walked into the girls' apartment. He found Monica in the kitchen making breakfast, and Rachel just waking up.
"Hey, I was wondering where you were. Is Chandler coming?" Monica asked.
"I was just about to ask you what was going on--the door is locked," Joey replied.
"What door?"
"The apartment door!"
"Don't you have a key?"
"It's never locked!"
Monica felt her heart begin to thump rapidly. Why was the door locked? She called Treeger, telling him it was an emergency, then joined Joey in the hallway, as he pounded on the door.
Twenty minutes later, Monica, Joey and Rachel had convinced Treeger to take the door off of it's hinges. As soon as they were able to slip through, the three friends made their way into the apartment.
The first thing that Monica saw was a pool of blood on the floor next to the counter. Her heart lept, as she pictured the very worst. Joey followed Monica's gaze, and closed his eyes. This wasn't happening.
They walked into the apartment, and saw the body. Monica let out a shaky breath, and Rachel ran out to call the police. The room was silent for a minute, and that was when Monica heard the whimpering. She tore her eyes away from Daniel, and scanned the apartment.
"Chandler?" Monica called out. After what felt like an eternity, she found him in his bedroom, wrapped in three blankets, hugging his knees. He was rocking back and forth, mumbling. Monica's heart broke. Whatever had happened here last night, it had ended in the worst way. Chandler was bleeding and bruised, and not even remotely aware of Monica's presence. Daniel was dead, apparently from a blow to the head with the wrought iron skillet that lay next to him on the floor. Monica kneeled in front of Chandler, and took his clammy, shaky hands in hers.
"I love you," she whispered over and over, her words falling on deaf ears.
*
Daniel was buried a week later, unceremoniously, with no one there to say good bye. Charges were never pressed against Chandler, as it was deemed to be purely self-defense. Chandler was treated for his physical injuries at Beth Israel Medical Center, and was then transferred to Bellevue to undergo Pshychiatric treatment. His friends were convinced that he would once again recover, and would be back to himself in a few months.
~5 Months Later~
"Hey sweetie," Monica walked in, and sat down next to Chandler. "I have some news. I went for another ultrasound today, and it looks like we're having a boy!" Monica smiled. "And, I was thinking--I mean, if it's okay with you, that is--I was thinking that we could name the baby Jonah."
Monica took Chandler's hand, and squeezed it reassuringly. "I think your Mom would have liked that," she said quietly. She looked at Chandler sadly. "Chandler, please. Please come back to us. Please."
Monica squeezed his hand once more, hoping that someday soon, he would squeeze back.
I have a tale to tell
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well
I was not ready for the fall
Too blind to see the writing on the wall
A man can tell a thousand lies
I've learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned
'Til then, it will burn inside of me.
I know where beauty lives
I've seen it once
I know the warmth she gives
The light that you could never see
It shines inside you can't take that from me
A man can tell a thousand lies
I've learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secrets I have learned
'Til then, it will burn inside of me.
The truth is never far behind
You kept it hidden well
If I live to tell the secret
Will I ever have the chance again
If I ran away
I'd never have the strength to go very far
How would they hear the beating of my heart
Will it grow cold?
The secret that I hide
Will I grow old?
How will they hear?
When will they learn?
How will they know?
("Live To Tell" Madonna)
~*~
