Disclaimer: I own no one in here *sobs*
AN: No, Patricia isn't in this one (for once)
REQUIREMENTS:
~Remus/Minerva pairing (what else? This can be a major OR minor part of the
fic...your choice)
~Someone must say "Je la omele duh framonis", which means "I'm a cheese
omelette."
~One of the more sinister members of HP land must be a cross-dresser (Snape,
Malfoy, Voldemort, etc...)
~Someone must fall in love with the Mirror of Erised.
~It must literally rain cats and dogs
~Someone must fall in love with a toaster
~The whole thing must take place in Voldemorts "Top Secret Lair".
Minerva McGonagall woke up one morning and stared dreamily into the eyes of Remus Lupin. He lovingly kissed her good morning when they suddenly appeared (fully dressed) in a room. A room which also contained Severus Snape, Ron Weasely, and Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris.
"No!" Ron screamed out. "I can't take another MST!"
"Relax," Remus said. "It can't be an MST."
"How do you know?" Ron asked wildly.
"Because," Remus said calmly. "The room's not white. It's... it's.... wallpapered with pink and yellow flowers?"
"Ooh, but there's a closet, Remus!" Minerva squealed excitedly. She got a wicked grin on her face and pulled him towards the closet (even though he was unresisting) when it happened. They heard the voice. The evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious voice that was accompanied by an evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious laugh which was cut short as the owner seemed to choke on a chicken bone. The voice cleared and spoke.
"You have now entered Voldemort's-" Ron gasped and covered his ears with his hands "Top Secret Lair! Prepare to be tortured to no end! Snape, would you do the honors, please?"
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape replied calmly.
"What?" The voice asked, confused.
"Je la omele duh framonis!" He said again.
"Um.... okay, so I guess you won't. Damn! My toaster!" And all of a sudden a shiny silver toaster appeared with a loud POP. Mrs. Norris went over to examine it, as all cats enjoy sniffing at new objects that appear out of thin air.
"Okay, so I suppose I have to do this myself. And I was on vacation, too!" And with another loud POP, the Dark Lord himself was standing before the group. Ron screamed like a girl and hid his head inside his shirt. Snape took one look at his former boss and remembered the true reason he had left the Death Eaters. Voldemort was all decked out in a neon pink flowered nightie which just happened to be silk. It looked like something from the Victoria's Secret catalogue that Snape had confiscated from Potter the day before the day before yesterday (or, the other day). Thankfully, it wasn't the same as item #4 on page #23, since that item had lace in some... revealing places.
"Do you like it, Severus?" Voldemort asked girlishly.
"Love it!" He managed to get out between laughter. "Whatever happened to that evening gown you used to have? That always looked stellar on you."
Now, if you haven't figured it out by now, I suppose I will have to take time out from my pulitzer-prize winning story to tell you why Snape really left the Death Eaters. It was because Voldemort was a cross-dresser, and insisted on showing his newest fashions to the Death Eaters who were in his inner circle. Severus just couldn't stomach seeing those hairy legs peeking out from under those revealing scraps of cloth that the man insisted were dresses. On a woman, it would have been an entirely different story. But on Voldemort, it was just WRONG. So he left, making up this huge cockamine story to tell Dumbledore about how he had had a change of heart about which side he was on. He had only joined Voldemort for the free pen they all got upon initiation. It was one of those really cool ones that light up when you write... and I'm completely off topic now. Back to the story!
So here was Snape, laughing at Voldemort, who was modeling his neon pink flowered nightie, which was holding Ron mesmerised (somewhere in there he had taken his head out of his shirt), which was utterly confusing for Remus and Minerva because they had never seen Ron mesmerised by anything other than Hermione, whose sap session had been interrupted by the Dark Lord's arrival. So they went back to snogging (as restrained and loving as they are), and nearly stepped on Mrs. Norris, who had been all but forgotten by now because she was sitting by the toaster that had come out of thin air and was staring into it with that fascinated expression that only cats can achieve.
Little did the humans know, the cat was carrying on a telepathic conversation with the toaster. This is a sampling of what was said:
Mrs. Norris: "I love you."
Toaster: "And I you."
Mrs. Norris: "Will you stay with me forever?"
Toaster: Forever and always, dearest."
Mrs. Norris: "And you will love me forever and not electrocute me?"
Toaster: "Never, dearest."
I just can't continue. Poor Filch. Just suffice to say that they went on like that for about 15 minutes.
So back to the humans. Voldemort was in the process of dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" when suddenly, for no particular reason other than it felt like it, the Mirror of Erised showed up in all it's dusty glory (after that rather unpleasent incident with Quirrell a few years back, it had been locked away, never to see the light of day again), looking for something, or maybe I should say, someONE. It saw Ron and miracle of all miracles, stopped right in front of him. Ron stopped being mesmerised by the neon pink flowered nightie and threw himself at the mirror yelling "I love you!" at the top of his voice, for reasons known only to himself. The author of this pulitzer-prize winning story doesn't even know why he did it. He just... insisted, so I had to let him. I apologize for any inconvienience this may have caused. Where was I? Ah, yes.
So now that Ron was in love with the mirror, and Mrs. Norris was in love with the toaster, Remus and Minerva (who had stopped snogging long enough to discuss this disturbing turn of events) wondered what was going to happen next. They shouldn't have done that. They really shouldn't have done that. Remus looked up as a large object hit Voldemort on the head, sending him to the floor unconcious, and realized with a start that it was raining cats and dogs. Not just pouring down rain, like the Muggle term is usually used for, but literally raining cats and dogs. There were tabby cats, and ginger cats (that one looked like Crookshanks), and persian cats, and poodles, and weiner dogs, and beagles, and border collies, and the occasional Great Dane, and cocker spaniels (look! It's Lady and the Tramp!), and many many many many many many other types of cats and dogs. Raining. On them. The cats were hissing, and growling, and had their claws out, so that made it quite painful when they landed on them. The dogs were just drooling.
Finally, Voldemort (who had miraculously woken up) got fed up and dissappeared with a loud POP, leaving Snape, Minerva, Remus, Ron, the Mirror, Mrs. Norris, and her toaster all looking at one another.
"Well? Now what do we do?" Minerva asked.
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape said.
"WHAT?!?" Minerva yelled. "What does that mean?"
"Je la omele duh framonis. It means... uh, well, um... you see, it means, 'I am a cheese omelette'. I figured it would screw with Voldemort's mind enough that he would let us go. But, I suppose it didn't work," he sighed, dejectedly.
"Well, it may not have worked, but-" Minerva was cut off as they all appeared suddenly on the Quidditch pitch in the middle of the latest Slytherin/Gryffindor game. Needless to say, Slytherin was winning, cause they're so deviously cunningly cool, and their Head of House is on hot stud muffin. Wait, I'm off subject again, aren't I? Anyway, when they appeared on the Quidditch pitch, Minerva and Remus started snogging again. Ignoring them, Snape held up his arms and yelled,
"Je la omele duh framonis!!!"
AN: No, Patricia isn't in this one (for once)
REQUIREMENTS:
~Remus/Minerva pairing (what else? This can be a major OR minor part of the
fic...your choice)
~Someone must say "Je la omele duh framonis", which means "I'm a cheese
omelette."
~One of the more sinister members of HP land must be a cross-dresser (Snape,
Malfoy, Voldemort, etc...)
~Someone must fall in love with the Mirror of Erised.
~It must literally rain cats and dogs
~Someone must fall in love with a toaster
~The whole thing must take place in Voldemorts "Top Secret Lair".
Minerva McGonagall woke up one morning and stared dreamily into the eyes of Remus Lupin. He lovingly kissed her good morning when they suddenly appeared (fully dressed) in a room. A room which also contained Severus Snape, Ron Weasely, and Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris.
"No!" Ron screamed out. "I can't take another MST!"
"Relax," Remus said. "It can't be an MST."
"How do you know?" Ron asked wildly.
"Because," Remus said calmly. "The room's not white. It's... it's.... wallpapered with pink and yellow flowers?"
"Ooh, but there's a closet, Remus!" Minerva squealed excitedly. She got a wicked grin on her face and pulled him towards the closet (even though he was unresisting) when it happened. They heard the voice. The evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious voice that was accompanied by an evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious laugh which was cut short as the owner seemed to choke on a chicken bone. The voice cleared and spoke.
"You have now entered Voldemort's-" Ron gasped and covered his ears with his hands "Top Secret Lair! Prepare to be tortured to no end! Snape, would you do the honors, please?"
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape replied calmly.
"What?" The voice asked, confused.
"Je la omele duh framonis!" He said again.
"Um.... okay, so I guess you won't. Damn! My toaster!" And all of a sudden a shiny silver toaster appeared with a loud POP. Mrs. Norris went over to examine it, as all cats enjoy sniffing at new objects that appear out of thin air.
"Okay, so I suppose I have to do this myself. And I was on vacation, too!" And with another loud POP, the Dark Lord himself was standing before the group. Ron screamed like a girl and hid his head inside his shirt. Snape took one look at his former boss and remembered the true reason he had left the Death Eaters. Voldemort was all decked out in a neon pink flowered nightie which just happened to be silk. It looked like something from the Victoria's Secret catalogue that Snape had confiscated from Potter the day before the day before yesterday (or, the other day). Thankfully, it wasn't the same as item #4 on page #23, since that item had lace in some... revealing places.
"Do you like it, Severus?" Voldemort asked girlishly.
"Love it!" He managed to get out between laughter. "Whatever happened to that evening gown you used to have? That always looked stellar on you."
Now, if you haven't figured it out by now, I suppose I will have to take time out from my pulitzer-prize winning story to tell you why Snape really left the Death Eaters. It was because Voldemort was a cross-dresser, and insisted on showing his newest fashions to the Death Eaters who were in his inner circle. Severus just couldn't stomach seeing those hairy legs peeking out from under those revealing scraps of cloth that the man insisted were dresses. On a woman, it would have been an entirely different story. But on Voldemort, it was just WRONG. So he left, making up this huge cockamine story to tell Dumbledore about how he had had a change of heart about which side he was on. He had only joined Voldemort for the free pen they all got upon initiation. It was one of those really cool ones that light up when you write... and I'm completely off topic now. Back to the story!
So here was Snape, laughing at Voldemort, who was modeling his neon pink flowered nightie, which was holding Ron mesmerised (somewhere in there he had taken his head out of his shirt), which was utterly confusing for Remus and Minerva because they had never seen Ron mesmerised by anything other than Hermione, whose sap session had been interrupted by the Dark Lord's arrival. So they went back to snogging (as restrained and loving as they are), and nearly stepped on Mrs. Norris, who had been all but forgotten by now because she was sitting by the toaster that had come out of thin air and was staring into it with that fascinated expression that only cats can achieve.
Little did the humans know, the cat was carrying on a telepathic conversation with the toaster. This is a sampling of what was said:
Mrs. Norris: "I love you."
Toaster: "And I you."
Mrs. Norris: "Will you stay with me forever?"
Toaster: Forever and always, dearest."
Mrs. Norris: "And you will love me forever and not electrocute me?"
Toaster: "Never, dearest."
I just can't continue. Poor Filch. Just suffice to say that they went on like that for about 15 minutes.
So back to the humans. Voldemort was in the process of dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" when suddenly, for no particular reason other than it felt like it, the Mirror of Erised showed up in all it's dusty glory (after that rather unpleasent incident with Quirrell a few years back, it had been locked away, never to see the light of day again), looking for something, or maybe I should say, someONE. It saw Ron and miracle of all miracles, stopped right in front of him. Ron stopped being mesmerised by the neon pink flowered nightie and threw himself at the mirror yelling "I love you!" at the top of his voice, for reasons known only to himself. The author of this pulitzer-prize winning story doesn't even know why he did it. He just... insisted, so I had to let him. I apologize for any inconvienience this may have caused. Where was I? Ah, yes.
So now that Ron was in love with the mirror, and Mrs. Norris was in love with the toaster, Remus and Minerva (who had stopped snogging long enough to discuss this disturbing turn of events) wondered what was going to happen next. They shouldn't have done that. They really shouldn't have done that. Remus looked up as a large object hit Voldemort on the head, sending him to the floor unconcious, and realized with a start that it was raining cats and dogs. Not just pouring down rain, like the Muggle term is usually used for, but literally raining cats and dogs. There were tabby cats, and ginger cats (that one looked like Crookshanks), and persian cats, and poodles, and weiner dogs, and beagles, and border collies, and the occasional Great Dane, and cocker spaniels (look! It's Lady and the Tramp!), and many many many many many many other types of cats and dogs. Raining. On them. The cats were hissing, and growling, and had their claws out, so that made it quite painful when they landed on them. The dogs were just drooling.
Finally, Voldemort (who had miraculously woken up) got fed up and dissappeared with a loud POP, leaving Snape, Minerva, Remus, Ron, the Mirror, Mrs. Norris, and her toaster all looking at one another.
"Well? Now what do we do?" Minerva asked.
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape said.
"WHAT?!?" Minerva yelled. "What does that mean?"
"Je la omele duh framonis. It means... uh, well, um... you see, it means, 'I am a cheese omelette'. I figured it would screw with Voldemort's mind enough that he would let us go. But, I suppose it didn't work," he sighed, dejectedly.
"Well, it may not have worked, but-" Minerva was cut off as they all appeared suddenly on the Quidditch pitch in the middle of the latest Slytherin/Gryffindor game. Needless to say, Slytherin was winning, cause they're so deviously cunningly cool, and their Head of House is on hot stud muffin. Wait, I'm off subject again, aren't I? Anyway, when they appeared on the Quidditch pitch, Minerva and Remus started snogging again. Ignoring them, Snape held up his arms and yelled,
"Je la omele duh framonis!!!"
