Page 65 the lost chapters: Death by choice
Author: doc
Category: Angst, Friendship
Rating: PG-PG-13 for adult themes
Key Words: Pre-X Files, Mulder/Scully friendship
Summary: When high school begins, so does life.
Author's note: End
Tenth grade. Tenth grade at a new school. Boy was it tough. Dana was the
shortest girl in school, and with Mulder, she barely saw him. He had a new
girlfriend. Kristen was her name. Dana never used to see Mulder around much,
sure they'd talk about things in the library, and they had the same lunch
together, but they never had the same things that they used to. And it showed.
Dana felt it, she felt as if her best friend kept pushing her away. Mulder was
a very social kind of guy. He'd walk into a room full of strangers, and an hour
later he'd have a roomful of friends. Dana for one thing hated talking to
people, and she hated social scenes. Her worst fear would be if a cute guy
walked into the room, she'd have absolutely nothing to say. She was afraid
she'd just keep her mouth open in awe and he'd look at her funny and walk away.
Ever since the incident with Diana Fowley, she's been clinging on to Mulder
more often. In the summer at least. The minute they entered that high school,
it was as if their lives went two separate ways. Sure there'd be a "hi Scully"
in the hallway, but that's just about it. Dana felt as if slowly bit by bit she
was losing her best friend. She didn't know how long she could take this.
"Dear Mulder,
Tenth grade has been hell for me so far. The reason that ninth grade was so bearable (excluding April and May) was you. Now I feel as if you're just some stranger who knows my name. Last year, after we made up, I thought that I had the most wonderful life and that nothing bad could happen. Boy was I wrong. Meeting you Mulder has changed my life. In all ways, it has. For better or worse I will never ever forget you as long as I live. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but I just need you to call me because if this goes on any longer, I'm not sure what I might do to myself.
I love you, Dana
Dana put the pen down and looked at the paper. Thankfully the ink wasn't running due to the tears that she dripped on her new stationary. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't they have high school at the Jr. High? She liked her teachers, she liked her friends, and she loved theater, (Although in the high school, theater was in the big leagues. Only the professionals were in this thing.) , and you could actually use the computers there! Dana came to the conclusion that if Mulder blew her off after she sent this note then the world with her in it would cease to exist. Well, the world would exist, but she wouldn't.
It had been three days since she sent Mulder the email, and
nothing had changed. He didn't reply back, he didn't treat her any differently
in school and not even a phone call. She had other friends, sure. But Mulder
was a special friend, a friend that knew her better than she knew herself. Ever
since she was little she longed for a friendship like that. Now she had one and
it was being ruined. Then she opened up her email.
"Dear Scully,
I'm sorry if you feel that I was ignoring you for the last
few weeks. It's just that Kristen wants me to take her everywhere, and being
the wonderful boyfriend that I am, I do it. Trust me; tenth grade isn't a piece
of cake for me either. My teachers hate me, and I thought I saw Ms. Guess give
me dirty looks in theater class, and my grades are plummeting worse than the
Titanic sank. For anybody it's horrible moving into a new school like this.
You'll be fine, Scully, I know you will. I will try to spend more time with
you, but my life is very busy. You have theater every day after school (you
know I'm not a theatrical person) and I have hockey practice. So it's not all
me. Plus, the summer after the car wreck was tough. I would have never gotten
this far if it weren't for you. The only problem is, Scully is that you lean on
me too much. You need to get out in the world. Trust me, the world is a very
scary place, but you have to face it sometime. Yea, sure turtles can stay in
their shell, but that doesn't mean that you're a turtle. I love you, Scully, and
I have been ignoring you. Yea, sure it'll be Mulder and Scully, but with
everybody else too. I am a group person, you know that.
Love you,
Mulder
Dana sat there, not exactly knowing what to think. Sure, maybe she was caught up in her own little world. Maybe she did rock back and forth and hum to herself when she didn't understand something. Maybe she did like that shell of hers and never ever wanted to come out of it. But, because of her shell, and because of her habits, she was loosing a friend. Her best friend in the whole world, who was with her on death's doorstep was vanishing with each passing day. Soon, he'd be gone. What if they couldn't repair the damage that was done? What if this friendship was too far gone? What if she lost him forever. And if she did, could she go on in this cruel world without him? The telephone sometimes could work wonders.
Two rings, that's good.
"Is Mul- Fox there?" she said, remembering in front of his mother he was Fox.
"Yea, hold on a sec, Dana." Mrs. Mulder said as Dana could hear her yelling for Mulder in the background.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mulder."
"Listen, Scully. I'm sorry that I have been ignoring you,
it's just that I've had so much on my mind, and high school sucks, I'm on a
horrible hockey team and Kristen's mad at me, so I haven't had time for much of
anybody lately. I'm sorry, and no, I'm not mad at you, I still am your best
friend and I love you. I gotta go, my mom needs the phone. Bye Scully." He
said, as she heard a click on the other line. She just stood there dumbfounded,
she still didn't know what was going on, and why he said what he did. Was he
saying that activities came before friendship? She had no idea, and she
couldn't confuse him by asking that. She hated confrontations, especially with
people she knew and loved.
If there was just some way that the pain would be gone. Some way that
everything would be healed. No more pain, loss of friendships, high school. She
made up her mind. Mulder didn't need her, so why should she need herself.
She'd give Mulder one more day, then it would all be over.
She knew where he'd be even before he got there. She went
into the library and stopped by the window (she thought that all the teachers
had a strong hate for sophomores, the juniors and seniors could use the computers,
but for the "softies" oh no because they'd break them). All she needed was
time. At about 7:45, Mulder lanked
in, his backpack swung over one shoulder sloppily. It had to have been a bad
morning. He saw her and smiled. 'Maybe this day isn't so bad' Dana thought to
herself.
"Hey Scully. Guess what? I'm going to be on Varsity Hockey team! Isn't that
great!"
"Oh Mulder I'm so happy for you!" Dana said as she patted
him on the shoulder. Maybe this could get better. But then at the best time,
the worst had to happen. Kristen walked into the room, and glared at Scully as
if to say "get out or I'll suck the blood out of you"
"Hey handsome." She said, as she stroked Mulder's cheek. He did a double turn
and grinned at her.
'My god! Could her skirt get any shorter?' Dana thought to
herself.
"You know what? They're doing such a cool theme at the homecoming dance! It's
like famous couples or something. What do you want to go as snookums?" Kristen
asked, and Dana thought she would barf. These were the times that music came
into her head and blocked out the rest of the world. Dana didn't realize it,
but she started slowly rocking back and forth in her chair, looked up at the
ceiling and did the only thing she knew: sang.
"Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
Never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine"
This always happened at this time, even when she was around John and Monica. They were all lovey dovey to each other without even realizing it. And they weren't even going out! Humming to herself was her defense mechanism. Droned out the rest of the world and she slipped into Dana's world, where the grass was made of chocolate, and there was no such thing as rejection, or friends, or even love for that matter. As Dana saw it, friends, love, and family you could all lose in a single instant. That's why she never liked taking the chance.
She wondered how she'd do it. She could get a military gun,
but she didn't know where Ahab kept them. Maybe she could get a kitchen knife
and stab herself. But then she thought that it would hurt too much. Unless it
was in the head. But still that may hurt. She decided just to down a bottle of
Tylenol PMs and go to sleep, and wake up in a whole new world. But, she
couldn't just leave this world without an explanation. Sure, even the best of
us write. This would be her final thing. She'd forward it to Mulder before she
ended her own life.
To everyone,
Okay, I guess that's not a good way to write a letter, especially one like this. When I'm gone, I just want all of you to know that it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything and that it was just my time to go. I am with God now, and mom, I know you wanted me to be with the Lord. Ahab, the ship has finally docked.
Now, a personal note to my best friend. (This was the part
that Dana was sending to Mulder via email)
You have been there for me through thick and thin. We have made a journey
together in our lives, a path together, hand in hand. These couple of years we
have separated, but we were still on that path. Now, I'm sorry my friend, but
you are going to have to walk this journey on your own. When you get this
letter, I'll have already seen the light and be singing with the angels. I love
you Mulder, always and forever.
Dana
She never heard the phone ringing.
Mulder was worried sick about her until Mrs. Scully called
frantic to talk to anybody who'd listen. Teena was the one who picked up the
phone. Mulder could only get out a bit, from his mother's side, but he knew
that something was wrong. He raced over on his bike to her house. In the
driveway, lights were flashing everywhere. From what it looked like there was
an ambulance in the driveway.
He walked inside and saw Melissa sitting there, head in her hands sobbing.
"My little sister, my poor little sister." She kept saying over and over again.
She was like a sister to him.
"Missy, what happened?" Fox asked, as she looked up at him with red bloodshot
eyes.
"Mulder, she tried to kill herself. I was the one who found her. I'll never get
that image out of my mind when I saw her lying unconscious next to the toilet.
She's so young. Do you have any idea what would make her do something like
this?" Missy asked as she sobbed. Mulder put an arm around her and drew her
close.
"I don't know, Missy. I just don't know." Mulder said.
Dana had to have her stomach pumped and would have to go to
a psychiatric hospital for a 90-day program. For the first few days, she
refused to see anybody. Then only her family. She would by no means see Mulder.
She didn't know why, but she thought that if she saw him, then all those
memories of the past would come back. On the fourth day after refusing to see
Mulder, Maggie interjected.
"Dana, he's your best friend, why don't you want to see him?"
"Was, mom. He was my best friend."
"So this is all about Fox? You tried to kill yourself over Fox? Dana why would you do such a thing."
Dana broke down and cried. She told her mother everything.
About Kristen, and the pressures of high school, and how Mulder was such a popular
kid in there.
"Honey I'm not going to give you any advice this time. Fox is like a son to me,
but you know that you can't get on with the future if you don't let go of the
past." Maggie said as she left the room.
Mulder peeked his head in carefully to make sure Dana wouldn't throw anything
at him.
"Can I come in?" he asked in a quiet whisper.
"Sure, Fine, whatever." She said, not looking at him. He walked into the room,
and presented her with a bouquet of a dozen red roses. This made her soften just
a little bit.
"How are you feeling."
"Alive." She said with a chuckle.
"Dana, listen. I wish you told me these things sometimes.
I'm not very perceptive, and honestly you are a great actress because I never
saw it coming." Mulder said, but Dana continued to look out her window.
"Look at me, Damn'it!" he said and she did, her eyes were watering.
"What about the first email I sent you?"
"That? That was a cry for help? I thought that you just felt lonely at the time
and you felt as if I was pushing you away. The reality is that you were
smothering me."
"You could have just told me that Fox."
"Don't call me that, you know I hate to be called that."
"FOX, FOX, FOX!" she yelled, and he surrendered. The Scully force always stays with you.
"Look Dana, I didn't come here to fight. I just wanted to
come here and tell you that I love you. Last night when I called, I was going
to tell you that I broke up with Kristen. She gave me the ultimatum. You or
her, and I chose you. And that I wanted to go celebrate with sundaes. Then I
got your email." He said, and he hoped that the next words that came out of his
mouth weren't laced with sarcasm or something she didn't need to hear.
"I was so frightened and scared, and I had no idea what to do. I thought that
I'd loose you. I almost lost you once, and I didn't want to lose you again due
to something I could do and fix. That half an hour I thought about everything
we've been through. From Samantha to the shooting, and my father getting into
jail. I just can't do it alone, Scully. And you can't either." Mulder said, and
they embraced as true friends do. There was a mixture of tears, from both of
them. But they knew that they had found each other, and that he'd never leave
her again.
END
Author's note: With page 65, I deal with issues that we don't normally face
everyday, but it's in our society. This is a little different. A little more
close to home for me. I express my feelings better on paper (okay, maybe a
computer) Yes, I have thought about killing myself, numerous times. When I feel
like the world's against me, or that everyone in this world is. The only thing
that I realize is that every time I think about ending my life, the next few
days get so very much better. If you are some of my loyal readers out there
(and I know you are out there) and you are thinking about ending your own life
please, oh please don't. Things will get better. Honestly, I based this off of
a true story, (I didn't do anything to myself, but still) and it was very hard
for me. If you are honestly thinking about this, either call 911 or call
1-800 –S-U-I-C-I-D-E.
