I've never been afraid of anything. Never. I was raised to be the thing nightmares are made of, not the child hiding from it. I've burned homes, ravaged towns, slaughtered innocents…all without blinking an eye. I had my orders, and I took them to heart. No one would stop me from fulfilling them.
Regardless of this, I'm not cold-hearted. Not entirely anyway. I watched as Celes killed any humane feeling left in her, and stood aside while Kefka sunk further and further into his madness. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to lose control. I may be able to kill without so much as an outer grimace, but inside I'm retching. I try to remain somewhat noble and honorable, but I don't know how much longer it will be possible to keep it up. I feel as though I'm fading farther and farther from reality.
Is it possible to be doing something, and yet not doing it at all? That how I feel when I'm killing, when I'm annihilating all that's pure and untainted in the world. Physically I may be there, but mentally…I'm gone. It used to be a self-driven action but now…it just happens. I've started having large gaps of missing time that should be in my memory, I know what I was supposed to be doing, but they aren't, I don't know for sure. Over the years, the lapses have almost become an escape from the reality of my home, Vector, and the horrors it houses. Namely, the Magitek Facility.
I've refused from the beginning to be infused. It's sick. But that doesn't mean I haven't had anything to do with it. I've been on frequent journeys to the labs, each more grotesque and impacting than the last. Humans locked up in the cells, hooked to machines draining them of their last bit of humanity. "Specimens," they're called. They've all got unique ID codes; no one even cares enough about them to give them names. Well, that's entirely true. One of them has name.
Terra. Terra's special, and not just for the reasons the Empire uses her. I was breath taken the first time I saw her. I still am, come to think about it. There's just something about her. I don't recall much about our first meetings, largely thanks to the lapses, but I do remember being fascinated with her. And sickened at the thought of her treatment. Some might say I love her, and I'm not entirely sure I could disagree with them. I never spent much time with her, always disgusted at the way Kefka lurked about, and I'm not even sure if she can recall my having any part in her up until recently…until night on the boat. But despite all that, I feel something for her. Something wickedly strong.
Terra…poor Terra…I can hear her screaming now, struggling to come to my aid. If only I ad told her that night on the boat…it seems I'll never get the chance. I hope she finds someone else, some one more deserving of her love, once I am gone. Because I know now that my time here is up. Kefka has fooled us all and my Emperor…my dear Emperor has betrayed me. As I feel the madman's eyes fall upon me with glee, I fear for the first time. I don'r want to die. I can't die. Not here, not now…the others…the Reutrners and the Espers will need my help. I can't die. Please don't let my life end like this, let me redeem myself for the life I've lived…I don't want to die…the problem is, I know there's I can do to prevent it.
Goodbye Terra…I wish you knew my last thoughts were of you.
