Evil Hill (A parody by yours truly)

Written by the devoted gamers and staff of www.evil-online.com

Produced in honor of them by OutlawZero2002

Chapter III, Part I

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Harry thought he should go back to the alleyway where that big and ugly had cold cocked him. He ran around the comer, half expecting to be flattened again, saw nothing, and proceeded.
He proceeded until he ran into a dead end, and looked around for clues. He spotted a piece of the brown paper bag that used to contain his Kilbasa, and bent down to examine it. The sound of scuffling feet behind him, alerted him to the presence of company.
He turned around, and came face to face with a zombie.
"Pardon me sir" it spoke "But would you mind if I ate your brains?" "Yes I would mind" Harry replied "I kinda need them." "Damn, I'm no good at this" the zombie sulked.
"Let me ask you something. Have you seen a kilbasa? Ifs a sausage .... 13 inches long .... kinda reddish. Seen it?" "Sorry." it replied.
"What's wrong?" Harry inquired "You seem sorta down." "Well, I don't want to bore you with my problems."
"You're not boring me. It's actually kind of nice to see a zombie that's not trying to eat me or something."
"Well, you see, I been a zombie for 5 days, and everytime I ask someone if I can eat them, they always say no. This really sucks. I'm itchy, I'm hungry, and no one wants to be my friend." "I'll be your friend" He replied. "So ..... can I eat your brains?" "No.'
"Why not" he whined.
"I told you already. I need them." "Not even a tiny nibble?"
"No. Now go away. I have to find my Kilbasa"
Harry stood there in his famous "I'm bored so I'm humping my pants" stance as he puzzled over the brown paper bag.
"It had to have contained ... my kilbasa," he thought aloud; slowly but surely the vast amounts of alcohol in his system was wearing off.
Harry inspected the bag for another five minutes as the zombie looked on with big bleary eyes. "Just a bite?" it asked.
"No ... Harry no talk, thinking about kilbasa ... ummm, polish sausage." Harry began salivating. Suddenly, everything made sense to Harry; there was a name on the side of the bag. "Chris' Butcher Shop ... that creep ... I bet ... he stole my ... kilbasa."
"Way to go sir! " the zombie exclaimed, "Can I eat your brains now?" As with all Silent Hill characters, Harry too had a snap limit. "WILL YOU SHUT THE F**K UP??!"
Harry wrenched a drainage pipe off the alleyway wall with inhuman strength, sending little pieces of shattered brick flying all about. The zombie cringed in terror. "STARS" Harry's eyes grew red.
"But ... I'm not a star," the undead sniveled, "I'm just a lonely zombie ... please don't hurt me."
"STARS." Harry raised the pipe and the zombie brought its arms up in a pathetic gesture of self-defense.
"STARS"
***SUDDENLY****
"PLEASE DAISY, DON'T KILL TITO!" Claire sobbed.
"What are you doing in this story woman," the annoyed fairy replied, "and quit huggling my legs, dammit! "OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!"
"ACK, STOP THAT! YOU'RE GIVING ME COOOOTIES!" Claire let go of Daisy's legs and then looked over his shoulder. "Whatcha writin'?" she asked.
"My masterpiece," the fairy replied.
Claire quickly glanced over the story in progress.
"Hey, you forget about that!" she chimed, noting down at the notebook.
It's called artistic license," Daisy growled.
OT HOLE PLOT HOLE! NANNY NANNY BOO BOO! " Claire mewed.
****BACK TO DA STORY****
"Oh Harry, you were magnificent," Jill sighed, slipping her blouse back on.
"Yes ... I'm rather good ... at sewing," Harry replied as put his needle and thread away "I just can't believe it. After facing hordes of zombies without so much as taking a that jerk."
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The radio suddenly switched on, some violin playing out it's small speaker. "Huh? RADIO!? Whats going on with that RADIO!?"
A huge disgusting Moth burst through the window, cutting Jill's blouse open with it's teeth, threatening to kill everyone in the room.
"Hey, Have you seen a Kilbasa, 13 inches long, a light red colo-"
'BASTARD! " Jill ripped out her trusty Combat knife and stabbed it to death.
Harry bent down, examining the teeth, finding small traces of a Kilbasa. Harry's eyes turned red, and the look of death crossed his face.
"My Kilbasa! This moth had to have come from a Underground secret lab that is testing certain strains of the G- Virus, they must have my Kilbasa! "
Ripping a giant sized hammer from out of his Jeans tight small pocket, Harry spoke "First, a little stop at Chris' Butcher Shop"
A cerberus walked into the room through the open door, half it's skull visable and stomach rotting. "Sparky! What are you doing out of your kennel?" Jill yelled.
"Well, you haven't feed me in 2 months, I've got worms, I'm dying of rabies, I haven't had a drip of water in days.
I'm blind, I only have one ear, my tail has been chewed on by 7 different rabbits, I've been hit by 3 cars and my teeth are still stuck in the bone that you gave me for Christmas 5 years ago."
As it finished if s last word, it's jaw fell off and it could no longer speak.
"Well, you see, the pet shop and the vet and also the supermarket have painted on doors, with fake handles, so I'm a bit pressed for supplies these days." Jill responded, as she bent down to pat the dog's head it fell from it's body and rolled across the bedroom floor.
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And that's the end of Chapter I. Since I'm really pressed for time now, each part will have three chapter but there will be at least 3-4 parts.