Hairy Hood Cast List:
Harry...........................................Hairy Hood (Robin Hood)
Ginny...........................................Maid Ginnian (Maid Marion)
Ron................................................Little Ron (Little Jon)
Hermione....................................Hermhilda (Ginnian's maid)
Snape.......................................Sheriff of Snapingham (Sheriff of Nottingham)
Draco.............................................Prince Draco (Prince Jon)
Neville.........................................Friar Longbottom (Friar Tuck)
Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, Lee, Colin and Dennis Creevey……………….......Merry men
Hedwig..................Hairy Hood's faithful steed, 'Steed' (Robins Horse)
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, and Padma.....................Ditzy Lasses/Bonnie Milkmaids
Dumbledoor.............................................King Richard
Voldemort................................................The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye
Wormtail.................................................Hangman
Cho Chang............................................. Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes
Hairy Hood
Chapter I
The Beginning
In which most everyone, including a beautiful angel, make their debut, evil villains kill people,
and very stupid escape plans are afoot, as well as some snogging.
Once in the land of A-Place-In-England, a very crusty long time ago, there was a King, King Richard, to be exact, and there was happiness and glory throughout the Kingdom, for everyone loved the Kind Ruler. Then, during one of his many daring crusades, King Richard was captured and held prisoner by non other than the Dreaded Evil Pirate, Droopy-eye! Horrors! Without a King, the land was in a state of anarchy, and all the little villagers were worried. The only thing to do, it seemed, was to appoint King Richard's mis-fit son, Prince Draco.
Now, it must be known that not everyone liked Prince Draco, on account of the fact that he fancied picking his nose at important functions, and talking very loudly and being exceptionally greedy and highly annoying. So it was, that many villagers were put-out and cranky. These certain villagers (who happened to be 87% of the citizens in the land A-Place-In-England) rallied against Prince Draco. Draco was very angry about this, and ordered them all to be put to death. Sadly though, the goustine was too dull to behead anyone (on account of the fact that no one got in trouble when King Richard was King, for, like I said, they all loved him). So Draco decided instead, to take their money. Taxes were raised throughout the land A-Place-In-England, and people began to suffer.
Now you are saying, where is our hero When shall he deliver these poor people? Well keep your britches on, I'll get to him next. There was once a rich family by the name of Hood. They were very rich, and being so, they could afford trips to the Bahamas, which is where they were during the capture and replacement of King Richard. Sailing back from the Bahamas on their yacht, the Hoods were captured by non other then The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye! Horrors!
Held hostage by T.E.P.D-e., Hairy Hood got to know King Richard quite well, for he had to share shackles with him. A well-informed beggar next to them informed them of the state of the land A-Place-in-England, and Hairy Hood's home, Snapingham. They were appalled. Later that day, Hairy Hood's parents (Lillian and Jamerson) were murdered by The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye, Horrors! When Hairy Hood contemplated this, King Richard spoke to him.
"My Son," (King Richard calls everyone his son, even his late wife, on account of the fact that he lost his many years ago and secretly hopes whoever he is talking to is, in fact, his son)
"My Son, you parents were killed to protect you. They loved you very much."
"But my King, why them? What did he have against them?"
"Someday, my son, someday I will tell you." And King Richard smiled and fiddled with ring on a chain around his neck. This ring, it was said, was the partner to the one his son wore, the only other one in the world.
And so it was, that King Richard and Hairy Hood devised a very bad escape plan. It was this: for Hairy Hood to walk the plank into shark filled waters and swim (with the bodylock on him, too) to the land A-Place-In-England,-Which-In-Fact-Is-England, and help gather arms to help pay the Kings ransom. So, late one night, Hairy Hood stumbled onto the deck, his feet the only thing that had not been binded, and jumped over board.
Now, all signs point to the inevitable: Hairy Hood drowning. But, signs are misleading, for, unbeknownst to any, The Guardian Angle of Stupid Dudes had her eye on Hairy Hood. And when he jumped over, she cast a spell to raise him into the air. At first, Hairy Hood was very put-out that she had stopped his daring escape mid-way, but when he saw her beauty, he didn't mind one bit, oh no sir! And the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes said unto him:
"Unto you a child is born-I mean, wait a second, that was those stupid, shepherds, not a stupid hero, never mind. Sigh, my life is soooo difficult, or is it my death, because I am dead...hmn. Interesting." And The guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes pondered this, floating above the ocean, stroking her chin deep in thought. Hairy Hood didn't mind though, he just floated and stared at her amazing beauty. He even composed a song about it. When The Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes finally snapped out of it, it was daylight and many stupid fishermen were pointing and goggling. She frowned at them and their boats, snapped her fingers, and they all started jumping out of their boats yelling, "I'm free!" and pretended they were dolphins. She turned to Hairy Hood again, she had forgotten he was there.
"Oh yes, you again. Unto you I reveal myself, the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes. I have been watching over you sense you fell off a horse and landed on your head. There now, what stupid idea was this! Jumping off of a ship into shark infested waters!? The Stupidity!" she glared at him, and before he could say more, he found himself washed up on the shores of a beach, in front of a great manor.
Hairy Hood sat up, where was he? Suddenly, down the beach streaked a woman, scream and hurtling towards him. he stood up and brushed himself off, only to be knocked over by the over exuberant woman.
"Oh Odysseus my love! You have come back to me!: and before Hairy Hood that his name was not Odysseus, a major snog fest took place. When the woman finally got off him, a great while later, he brushed himself off and looked at this woman. She gasped.
"You are not my love Odysseus! When shall he ever return to me!" and she broke down sobbing. he tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away, babbling something about her husband never forgiving her for cheating on him, for he was loyal and true and would never cannoodle with another woman. (Author's Note: Odysseus in fact canoodled a lot on his voyages, and was really pissed off when he was given reason to believe his wife even smiled at a member of the opposite sex)
So Hairy Hood reluctantly left the woman, keeping his eyes peeled for any land marks. Eventually, days later, he stumbled upon what was once his family's property. It was in ruins, and a sign stood in the middle of the rubble:
FOR SALE
THIS LAND IS HEREBY REMOVED FROM THE HOOD'S
CARE FOR TAX EVASION VIA CAPTURE AND HOLDING
VIA THE DREADED EVIL PIRATE DROOPY-EYE. HORRORS!
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL 1-900-PROPERTY.
Hairy Hood was very sad, for many of his favorite retired 'internet' pictures were probably buried deep within the rubble. But Hairy Hood, being very resourceful, was able to erect a shelter in the woods near his old house and live quite peacefully for a while, concocting a plan.
