Chapter II
The Tower's Dwellers
In which Fair Maid's with attitude problems disperses presents upon heads,
nifty theme songs are heard, mud is thrown, and there is a strike.
Once in a land That'-actually-is-England-a-crusty-long-time-ago, there was a fair maiden named Maid Ginnian. Never fairer was a wench then she, never a more sot after girl was there, which merited bars and locks on her windows. On this day, while Hairy Hood hunted and lived in the forest, she sat outside on her balcony.
"The hills are alive, with the sound of music"
"Ahhhhh-ah-ah-ah!" trilled her bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda.
"With sounds they have suuuuung, for a thousand yeeeeears! My heart will be blessed with the sound of muuuuusic, and I'll sing a song..." The Fair Maid Ginnian extended a perfectly manicured finger to a fluttering bluebird, who trilled sweetly.
"Oh my pretty, how I wish I could fly as you do, to be free of my confinement, to roam the hills and see the world, to meet my one true love!" and Maid Ginnian heaved a great sigh, as did the bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda, who felt the same.
Suddenly, the bluebird made a very un-romantic squawk, and The Fair Maid Ginnian held it out over the balconies edge high above the hopeful stupid suitors below, and so, presents were dispersed.
"Head's up!" Maid Ginnian trilled sweetly, grinning like the witch in the high tower.
"HA HA HA HAAAAA!" and The fair Maid Ginnian swooped back into her room in the tower and sat down upon her bed and brushed her long shimmering red hair.
"Miss, oh Miss! I would not have done that, oh dear! At this rate you will die an old spinster!" But what the bonnie hand maiden Hermhilda really meant was:
"Miss, oh Miss! You should not have done that, oh dear! At this rate I will die an old spinster!" For it was known throughout the land that only the Fair Maid Ginnian's true love could find a way into the tower that she was trapped in with her bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda. And until then, Hermhilda was doomed to the same fate as her mistress.
"Oh woe is me, bonnie hand-maiden Hermhilda, my only confidant, for you are right, I may grow old and ugly a spinster, but better then old and ugly and married to a slow witted cockroach!"
"Ah me, young love!" Hermhilda sighed as she picked up her embroidery "Is there a man you have met then, once upon a dream that you hope will one day come to give you true loves kiss?" The fair Maid Ginnian looked up in surprise.
"Whaaaaaaat?" Maid Ginnian jumped off her chair and scrounged around under her chair, finally pulling out a dusty old tomb that read:
~HAIRY HOOD SCRIPT~
And shoved it in the bonnie hand maiden's face. "See? See? Sleeping Beauty is next month!" Hermhilda mumbled incoherently about strong-minded wenches.
"Be you fancying someone then miss?"
"Much better." The fair Maid Ginnian sniffed "Nay nay! Double Nay! It is not so, you silly, silly maid!"
"Oh SHUT UP!" Hermhilda, who was short on the temper side, flung her embroidery out the window.
"Ah! Ah my eye! My eye! Cupid's arrow has struck me in the eye!"
"Idiot! That's a needle!"
"Nay, Nay! Double Nay! It was Cupid's-"
"Hey!" The Fair Maid Ginnain stuck her head out the window. "That's my line you idiot! If I wasn't trapped in this bloody tower I'd come down there and beat you up!"
"I quit!"
"You can't quit, you're besotted with me!"
"I QUIT!"
"You can't quit, you're my not-so-bonnie-hand maiden!"
"That's it! Bring it on girlfriend."
"I QUIT!"
"You can't quit! Hairy Hood needs someone to save!"
"I QUIT!"
"Who are you?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
"Yeah!? How did you get in our tower???"
"Intruder? Aha! Take that! And that and.. Hiiiiiiiiiiii-ya! And that!" (For it was widely known that both The fair Maiden Ginnian and The Bonnie Hand-Maiden Hermhilda were thoroughly versed in Hi-Chi-nochu.)
~
Hairy lived in the forest for about a month, living on deer, nuts and squirrels. But he grew tired of his life, and decided that to avenge his parents death, he would win back his land and slay the Dread Evil Priate Droopy-eye. But after his first bout with the Prince Draco's lawyer (who owned the land and was renting it very expensively), which ended with a warrant for his arrest, for it was widely known that Hairy Hood disliked lawyers, he realized he could not rebel against the nose-picking monarch alone, and he set out in search of other men who had been wronged by Prince Draco.
At every village he came to, he spoke to every man he could see that looked healthy enough to wield a weapon. He even recruited his old Cub-Scout group, who knew how to make bird sounds and track humans and animals alike, and therefor were helpful to the extreme. But it was hard for poor Hairy Hood, for being none to smart, he had many near-death experiences and near arrests, where, in the end, only the beautiful Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes could save him.
Soon he had started his own camp in the woods, full of young men ready to fight for truth and justice for all. The men came from towns all around A-Land-That-is-England-a-Crusty-Long-Time-Ago, and every rich lord they plundered, a bit of the wealth went to each town.
It was one of the more boring days, for nothing had happened as of yet, all sentries were bored, and all the men at the camp sat around, picking there teeth and belching most un-heroically, when suddenly, the distinct call of a whooperwhil came flitting through forest, once, twice, three times it trilled before it cooed loudly and was silent. The men jumped to their feet, grabbing their bows and arrows and staffs, and rushed to the back road t(As directed by Dander's call) that was not commonly used, where three gold plated carriages (as depicted by Dander's call) rumbled by. The men hid in the bushes unseen, until O' Heroic Hairy gave the signal (A bluebirds whistle) and the stepped on the road and surrounded the carriages, which stopped jerkily.
"Halt! Come out into the sun, my friends or foes! For it is a fine day, much too sunny for it to be spent inside a stifling carriage!" slowly the three carriage doors opened, and three young women, two portly gentlemen, a scrawny youth, and a large lady with two babies came out. The young women exchanged looks of terror, excitement and flirtation as they glanced at Hairy Hood. The woman rocked her babies and glared round at them, the portly gentlemen glanced nervously at the driver and to the trunk of the carriage, and the scrawny youth took a fighting stance, fists up, nose running.
"W-who are you?" The large woman asked angrily. Hairy Hood looked round at his men in surprise.
"You know not who we are, Madam? Why, that is absurd, for I am sure we are infamous for our job." and Hairy Hood swept a bow.
"He's the outlaw and vagrant Hairy Hood, Mamma!" The scrawny youth yelled as he waved his fists under hairy Hood's Roman nose, not quite able to reach it. At this statement, one of the young women fainted to the ground, and they others clustered beside her, giggling nervously and cast brazen looks upon Hairy Hoods, um, britches. The second gentleman's face turned pale.
"N-not the Hairy Hood?" he stuttered.
"The one and only!" Hairy Hood swept another bow, which was accompanied by the ripping of his britches, which cause the large woman to sigh disgustedly and the three girls (the unconscious revived) to giggle uproariously. Hairy Hood turned a startling shade of red.
"The scalawag! The mongrel!" The scrawny youth wound up a punch, but missed Hair Hood in his excitement and landed in a pile of mud.
"Ah! So you play dirty! Take that! And that!" The scrawny youth picked himself up and threw mud at Hairy Hood, missing altogether.
"N-not the Hairy Hood?" The second gentleman stuttered again, in shock.
"Yes." said Hairy Hood impatiently. And his men opened their mouths and sang his not-so-bad-if-i-do-say-so-myself-and-i-do theme song:
"Hairy Hood, Hairy Hood, riding through the Land,
"Every girl wishes that he'd ask for her hand." (The three young ladies giggled furiously)
"Hairy Hood, Hairy Hood so brave and so grand!"
"And twitches quite amusingly when his britches are full of sand!"
"What!?" Hairy Hood glared. :The last line is supposed to be And will reduce Prince Draco's reign to sand! Arg!"
