Hairy Hood Cast List:
Harry...........................................Hairy Hood (Robin Hood)
Ginny...........................................Maid Ginnian (Maid Marion)
Ron................................................Little Ron (Little Jon)
Hermione....................................Hermhilda (Ginnian's maid)
Snape.......................................Sheriff of Snapingham (Sheriff of Nottingham)
Draco.............................................Prince Draco (Prince Jon)
Neville.........................................Friar Longbottom (Friar Tuck)
Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, Lee, Colin and Dennis Creevey……………….......Merry men
Hedwig..................Hairy Hood's faithful steed, 'Steed' (Robins Horse)
Lavender, Parvati, Pansy, and Padma.....................Ditzy Lasses/Bonnie Milkmaids
Dumbledoor.............................................King Richard
Voldemort................................................The Evil Pirate Droopy-eye
Wormtail.................................................Hangman
Cho Chang............................................. Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes
Hairy Hood
Chapter III
Ronald of Weasel Downs
In which our hero meets a friend on a trek for the castle, underlying plots are
cultivated, families are partially reunited, and as always,
help from the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes.
0
After pillaging yet another jewel and gold encrusted carriage, Hairy Hood and his band of Merry Men were feeling very confident in their cleverness, and decided that tonight was the night to face Prince Draco. This was an especially good night, for that evening was that of a great ball, held in Prince Draco's honor. Many important figureheads would be there, as well as their bonny daughters. One among these was Maid Ginnian.
Now you may remember that Maid Ginnian was trapped in a tower until her one true love could rescue her? Well, the author realized that she really, really, really, wanted her to meet Hairy Hood at the ball, so she formed a small, itty-bitty plot hole just this once. It will never ever happen again, she promises.
~
Hairy Hood and his band had been hurrying towards the castle (not too fast, as to be fashionably late and make a grand entrance, of course). But they were been running a little late on the account of the fact that Hairy Hood, although brave and wise and true and great and masculine and macho and superior and handsome and modest and caring and strong and amazing and poetic and manly and a good dancer, was just a tad, just a little bit, vain. He had tried on about 50 different pairs of leggings (all various colors of green) and modeling them for his band. He finally decided on his Debonair-Air-Forest-Green-Imitation-Deer-Hide-Flexo-Brand ones, that were unseemingly tight, but flexible enough that he would not have to repeat the embarrassing process earlier mentioned in Chapter 2.
So as I was saying, they were running a bit late, and got a wee bit lost. Of course, they knew they were in Hogwartwood Forest, but in it was an altogether different matter. The forest was known for it's Wood nymphs trying to lure un-suspecting men off the trail (to Hairy Hood, they all looked remarkably like The Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes).
When almost all hope was lost of ever finding the castle, they heard singing off in the distance:
"Ah, ain't the trees a lovely?
"And the sky so Bluuuue?"
"Ah my dear Miss Elly,"
"How I miss youuuu!"
"Hark!" cried Hairy Hood, his hands clamped firmly over his ears. "Who be there! I entreat you, stop that noise, we will pay you much and plenty, just don't sing!!!"
Out from behind a tree, tripped a tall, gangly youth with shocking red hair, or it would have been if he washed it every now and then….
"Are you saying you dislike my singing?" he asked menacingly, towering over Hairy Hood, who was no tall man.
"Um, "dislike" is a strong word, my good fellow…um…umm…how about 'can't understand the beauty of it'?" (The guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes helped a bit there)
"If you insult my singing, you insult me! Prepare to duel!!!" Hairy Hood was rather taken aback.
"But you see-I didn't mean…um….." The red-headed youth reached down to pick up a large staff, but as he bent, a rather rude noise was made.
"Hey!" He yelled, turning scarlet "Who did that!" he glared embarrassedly. Three Merry men cackled evilly in the back. "You!" he yelled, and started swinging his staff at them, Hairy Hood (to his relief) was forgotten.
But as the crowd parted to let him and his rather large stick through, he was stopped, starring at two of the troublemakers. They were identical, and both had shocking red hair. Being in the back, they hadn't gotten a good look at the red-headed youth, but now they did.
"Ron?" said one with an orange patch on his shoulder.
"It can't be!" Exclaimed the other, with blue tie-dyed shoelaces. And the three of them rushed together in a big group hug. Hairy Hood and the others stood around nervously.
"Ah, well then…" said Hairy Hood uncertainly "I guess we better." and he motioned his men to move in. They threw themselves into the hug. By the added pressure of the rest of the crew, the red-headed long-lost brothers (as it was deduced) were rather squashed and rumpled.
After body parts had been restored to their proper positions, the red-headed youth introduced himself.
"I am, or rather was, Ronald of Weasel Downs. But after being separated from my family, I had to live on my own, I became known as Little Ron, by the humorous locals. These men of yours, George and Fredrick are my long-lost brothers." And then they began their tale.
"It was a dark and stormy night, all of us little children were in bed (all bloody seven of us, not counting poor mum and dad) it was a howling storm and- (Idiot! It was noontime and mum was trying to change little sissy's diaper! Idiot, let me tell!") So, it was about lunch time, I remember because I was so hungry (Fred, you're always hungry! Shut up) and we were out playing in the courtyard, when the wind seemed to stand still and the birds stopped- (pooping) singing and there was this figure in the entrance to the yard, dressed in black clothes. He had a mask on, and as he approached, we all ran into the house, somehow not able to speak (First and last time, I expect). He came in after us. I remember mum screamed, and dad came running in with only his bathrobe on. And the masked man said to us:
"So…it has been long…" or something to that effect. He had a rasping voice, very scary (Fred here near wet himself, if I remember right…. smack) And he was walking towards dad, who was trying to shield mum. Our older brothers, Billius, Charles Xaivier (Excuse me? Sorry, just Charles) and Percimuns tried to sneak us out, but when Billius tried to grab our sister, she wailed and the man turned around and saw us.
"Ahahahahaaaaaa!" he cackled evilly (He did not it was more like):
"Mwahahahahaaa! he cackled gleefully (How can a villain be Gleeful? Moving on…)
"Insert laughing of choice here" he cackled insert 'adjective of choice here.' "How sad it is, that your daughter will never speak her first word, she must be content with wailing, until she is silenced forever!"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled our dad.
"Yes."
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!"
Yes!"
"No!" (Fre-ed! Boring! Let Ron tell for a bit, eh? Yes, do!)
"Enough!!! For your families insolence, you all shall die!" And that's about the last thing that I heard, because Charles picked me up and threw me out the window. I landed on Billius's rather testy old pet cow, she took off, running and mooing and such, I held on for what seemed like hours, and then I found myself in these forests. That brave cow has long since passed away, she was my only friend. (Sniff, sniff) (Right then, hear what happened to me 'n Fred)
We being little tykes, were transfixed with fright, and didn't notice you flying out the window, although now I do recall hearing the testy old cow make a fuss…anyway….
"Enough!!! For your families insolence, you all shall die!" the Masked-man in black then turned to our sister's wailing form.
"Behold true fear, wench, before your last moments arrive!" and he whisked off his mask, and underneath was the grotesquest thing you could imagine, his face was mottled purple, and his right eye (Or was it the left? No, the right) was baggy and drooped-he was none other then the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye! (Horrors!!!) Our baby sister started such a fuss then, screaming and crying:
"Ugwy! Ugwy!" (Translation: "Ugly! Ugly!")at this final insult, the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye loomed over her, ready to kill, and then- The End"
"'What!!" the Merry Men yelled, jolted out of the tale so abruptly. George and Fred grinned sheepishly.
"We were both likely to fits back then…" The Merry Men gaped.
"You mean…"
"You fainted?" George and Fred pretended to not care.
"Rather weak, as children, very delicate." Little Ron, however, thought it was highly amusing and wouldn't stop laughing.
"You-gasp, gasp-fainted? Hahahahaha!" he didn't shut up until both of the Creevy brothers and George and Fred had sat on him. Even when they let him back up, he was still chuckling.
"And the Evil Pirate Droopy-Eye let you go?" asked Hairy Hood in mystified wonder "Why?" Fred looked flustered.
"Well, how are we to know? We were out cold!"
"Oh yeah…."
"We haven't seen hide nor hair of our older brothers, or sister of our parents. We suspect he got them. We woke up on the floor of the parlor, and no one was about." George and Fred sniffed dramatically. Hairy Hood patted their shoulders sympathetically.
"He got my parents too, almost me," he puffed up his chest "But, I managed to escape, with a bit of luck." and he winked at a empty spot in the air where he fancied the Guardian Angel of Stupid Dudes was.
"You got something in your eye, mate?"
"Nah, he does that from time to time, dropped on the head as a babe, I heard."
"Ahhhh."
And so it was that Hairy Hood and his band of Merry Men carried on, one more in number, towards the castle who's lights they could see in the not-so-distant-distance.
