CHAPTER FOUR: WITH OR WITHOUT YOU?

Lily hurried upstairs to the common room, with the intention of going straight up to the dorm. No sooner had she closed the portrait hole door behind her, however, than Evelyn pushed it open again.

"Okay," she said, pushing Lily into an armchair and standing over her. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing!" Lily exclaimed, giving her friend a resentful stare.

Evelyn raised her eyebrows. "Bollocks," she said, "Don't try and lie to me Lil. You know you can't."

Lily looked up into Evelyn's brown eyes and sighed. "Okay…"

"So. Why did you just bite James' head off? He's only tutoring her."

"Yes…but she asked him to."

Evelyn pulled up another chair so she could sit opposite Lily. "So what?" Suddenly she grinned. "Wait a moment, I get it- The slut's after him, isn't she?"

"Don't say that!" said Lily, shocked.
"It's true, Lil, and you know it." Her eyes were narrowed now. "No wonder she's been hanging around Ingrid so much. I should have guessed it- waving hello whenever he passes her, always trying to be his partner in Charms- she's trying to get in his pants."

Lily looked down. Of course she had noticed Stephanie's escalation in attention towards her boyfriend. It was impossible not to- and impossible not to be bothered by it- but it was such a stupid thing to worry about. James loved her- he said so as often as he could. And she loved him. Didn't she? It was only stress that was causing her to feel so irritated at him lately. It must have been…

"So, what are you worried about?' Evelyn said. "You know he'd never leave you- hell, he hates it when you spend five minutes away from him in the bathroom."

"Yes…but…" Lily said, struggling with the words, "I was talking to Ivan the other day and he said…he said…."

"Yeeees?"

"Well, he was saying how annoying it was when Stephanie got top marks in Transfiguration, because she always gloated about it."

"What?"

"He did, and I said, well how often does that happen? And he said…" Lily sighed. "He said it happened all the time. When it comes to Transfiguration, there's no one better than Stephanie Brocklehurst, according to Ivan."

Evelyn froze. Then she widened her eyes innocently. "Now what would a top transfiguration student be doing asking your boyfriend for help in that very subject?" She looked at Lily's face and giggled. 'I'm kidding, Lil! Okay, so she's lying so that she can try and seduce James, I'll admit that's what it looks like."

"I never said that…"

"Oh, I know that's what you're thinking. But look," and here she assumed a serious expression again. "Do you really have that little faith in him? Do you honestly think because of some scheming hussy he'll drop you like a hot mug of butterbeer and go for Stephanie?" She leaned back in her chair. "Bollocks he will. He's bonkers about you Lily, you only have to look at him to see that."
"But… but we've been having so many problems lately, and…"

"Only because you're seeing problems that aren't really there," said Evelyn soothingly, "not all couples have to have problems Lily. I think you're so worried about your relationship being "usual", you're just looking for fault. Don't. Sit back and enjoy it."

Lily bit her lip. Evelyn's words were making sense…but there was something else bothering her…

"Evelyn," she said hesitantly, "What about…"

"Yeeees?"

"What about Remus?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Well, he's… I mean, what Snape said before."

Evelyn's brown eyes were troubled very briefly. "Yeah, that was a bit weird… but then again, it's Snape. You know he's gone loony from being such a wanker."

Lily shook her head, but couldn't help grinning. Evelyn was wrong, though. The truth was, Snape was far from "loony"- on the contrary, he was one of the most intelligent people she'd ever met. And he wasn't the only one that had noticed the pattern of Remus' disappearances. Lily had been wondering why Remus' illnesses happened to be once a month. Not only that, every time he was away it happened to be the full moon. And, stranger still, every time Remus was away James, Sirius and Peter would sneak out of the dorms. They obviously thought nobody noticed them, but she was often up late in the common room, and had, on more than a few occasions, seen them shuffling out of the common room discreetly. She just assumed they were going down to steal food from the kitchens(which was something of a hobby of theirs), but why did they do it every full moon when Remus was sick? And why did they take Peter with them? She felt like she was missing something very important, some link in the pattern…but she just couldn't grasp it. She could tell intuitively, that James knew the secret behind Remus' disappearances. So what was he hiding?

"You right then?"

"Yes…" Lily said slowly. She stood up suddenly. "I think I'll go and have a shower."

"Fine. Have a little think while you're under there. James loves you, all right?"

She gave Lily a hug then went back down to the great hall, while Lily ascended the staircase, up to the girls' dorms and to the bathroom. By the time she was finished with her shower and had returned to the common room, most people had returned from dinner and were busying themselves. Lily went over to her usual corner where Ingrid, Evelyn, Remus and were sitting. There was no sign of James. The portrait hole swung open and Lily turned to see who it was. Sirius strode in, looking anxious and not at all like his usual self. He looked around till he spotted Lily.

"Lily-" he moved over to her before she could sit down, so they were a little way away from the others. 'I'm sorry about…you know, before. You know James isn't going on a date with Stephanie, I was just kidding all right? She truly did just ask him for tutoring. I was there when it happened."

Lily smiled. "I know. I believe you."

"Good," said Sirius, looking relieved. "Um…" he hesitated. "Have you seen James? Only, he's not up in the dorms, or in the Owlery, or in the Entrance hall and I can't find him…"

"Did you check the Quidditch pitch?"

"Oh, yeah! I can't believe I forgot that!" he grinned, looking Sirius-like again. "Thanks! And…" he started moving towards the portrait hole backwards. "Shall I…tell him you're not angry?"

Lily smiled. "He should know."

"Right, cool. Okay, bye!" he jogged off.

Lily smiled again. The Quidditch pitch was somewhere she knew James went if he needed to think. People rarely went down there unless there was a match on, and she knew James liked being outside much better than being inside. It was his special thinking spot, and Lily knew that if James said, "I'm going to the pitch" it meant he needed to be alone. Lily's brow furrowed suddenly. Lately James had been going to the pitch more and more- in fact, there was a distinct lack of communication between them since recently…

*

And meanwhile, back in Dorset, Mrs. Potter was only getting worse. Mr. Potter sent weekly letters to James, so that he was updated on his mother's progress. The next day was Halloween. At breakfast, Gorgon the screech owl flew in with the others, bringing the worst news yet. "It's from dad," James announced, as he pulled the letter off Gorgon's foot. Gorgon hooted, gave James an affectionate nip, grabbed a piece of bacon in his talons and flapped off, knocking over a jug of milk as he did so. Sirius and Remus watched James anxiously as he read the letter- apart from Lily (who wasn't downstairs yet), they were the only others who knew about Mrs. Potter's declining condition.

James frowned, furrowing his brow. "Bad news?" Sirius said quickly. James didn't answer, just continued staring at the words on the page. "James?" Sirius prompted.

"What?"

"Bad news?"

"Uh…yeah, pretty bad," said James slowly, rolling up the piece of parchment. "I mean…um…she's…been to see a wizard doctor because the Muggles weren't doing anything."

"And?"

"She's um…the doctor said she was really ill. Said there's…nothing that magical healing can do for her. So she's gone back into the muggle hospital, but…in London."

Sirius and Remus stared at James, aghast.

"Shit," said Remus after a while. "James…are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said James, "it's my mum that's a worry."

"Don't lose faith in Muggle doctors," said Sirius bracingly, "They can fix freckles that turn into cancer, and they can fix your mum."

James looked up at Sirius and gave him a small smile. "I hope so." He got to his feet. "I'm just going out to the Quidditch pitch for a bit."

Sirius and Remus nodded, knowing better than to follow James when he was going to his special thinking spot.

James wandered out to the pitch and sat down in the stands. He felt the beginnings of a great pit of worry churning in his stomach. There were two women he loved on this earth- one was Lily, and the other was his mother. And now it seemed, he might not lose just one, but both of them. Lily hadn't spoken to him at all during the brief time he went back into the common room last night, and by the sound of it, his mother was on her way to the tunnel with the white light at the end of it.

James put his head down on his knees. Why is this happening? Why is everyone I love being ripped away from me?

He sat like that for quite some time, worries and feeling and sadness whirling around inside him. he felt angry too; angry at his mother for being sick, angry at his father for delivering the news, angry at thew doctor's for not being able to fix her- and most of all, angry at Lily he have to be the way she was acting? Why right now, when he needed her most. Why?

James didn't understand. But he did know that he and Lily were growing apart. Maybe they weren't so similar after all. Maybe they weren't so perfect. Okay, so he wasn't perfect, for sure, but was that any reason to start bitching at him and getting angry for offering to tutor other girls! It didn't mean anything!

He could hear Lily now in his head, telling him what he least needed to hear-

"We cool off for two days and you're dating other girls?" Lily's voice echoed in his head he felt angry. Why didn't she understand that he needed her now? Why was she so frustrating and selfish and mean and awful and terrible? And why was life so bad, terrible, awful, horrible, and why could he only picture himself with Lily, when she was being as bad as life, when she was making it worse? Why couldn't everyone just LEAVE HIM ALONE and stop DYING OR LEAVING HIM?

There was a terrible pounding in James' ears. He wanted his mother- wanted to hug her, tell her everything was going to be okay. But he couldn't stop the pounding. James stood up, closed his eyes, put his hands over his ears and let out a scream that echoed around the pitch. He wanted to scream and scream until everything was all better.

After a while he sat down again, feeling tears sting his eyes. He felt like he was losing everyone he cared about.