CHAPTER FIVE: THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME

Unfortunately, after that, things only got worse. James didn't tell Lily about his mother's worsened condition- he wanted to but upon approaching her that night in the common room he got a snappish "Go away please James, I'm busy" for his trouble.

The Halloween feast lost its attractiveness completely for James- if he was going to spend it fighting with Lily then what was the point?

So he deliberately sat away from Lily that night- she shot him a reproachful look but said nothing, and James spent the night with Sirius and Peter (Evelyn monopolised most of Remus' time these days), and forced himself not to look over at Lily. He knew that one look from her would send him running into her arms.

And so, over the next few weeks thing very quickly progressed the same way- Lily and James drifted further and further apart. Though their friends tried, time and again, to bring them back together, nothing worked- their conversation was short and awkward. Sometimes Lily thought she would scream from the sheer frustration of it all- she longed to reach out and touch him, hug him, kiss him, bring things back to the way they used to be. But if James was going to be stand-offish to her then she had no choice but to retaliate. She threw herself into her schoolwork, pursuing it more obsessively than she ever had before. And James became even lazier than he had at the start of the year- but for the first time ever, his grades began to drop. Sheer worry for his mother and failing relationship with Lily drove him to abstraction during class and he hardly ever took anything in any more. To distract himself, he ran Quiidditch training like a mad man, pushing the team harder than ever, and pushing himself to new and more astounding limits. He didn't sleep, lost weight, and it became a rare sight to see that sparkling smile on James Potter's face.

In the middle of it all was Stephanie Brocklehurst. True to his word, James gave her weekly tutoring sessions in Transfiguration, unaware of her talent at the subject. He found her company pleasant and gentle- a nice change from Lily's short answers and snappish behaviour. Eventually Stephanie managed to coax the story of his mother's illness out of him, and from thereon took every opportunity to console him and present a sympathetic figure to him. James responded gratefully- he found her a great comfort. Though Sirius and Remus were as supportive as they could possibly be, James felt better with the soft sympathy only a female can give.

The first snow of the season came on the first night of December, and Hogwarts students awoke to find the grounds covered a thick layer of pure white snow.

"All right!" Sirius cried, jumping around the dorm excitedly, "Wicked! Snow fight later, eh boys?"

"Sure," Remus yawned. "You in, Prongs?"

James stared out the window too and forced a smile onto his face. "Sure," he said. Maybe that would cheer him up.

Remus rooted through his trunk for his toothbrush, still yawning.

"Hey, what time did you come in last night Moony?" Sirius asked, looking at his friend's weary face. "I didn't fall asleep until one am and you still weren't here?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Evelyn and I were in the Great Hall and on our way back up we ran into bloody Snape." He leant down and pulled a towel out of his trunk, "I'm really getting worried," he continued, "I mean, Snape, as usual started going on about how I'm…not here every month, and then, when we finally got back up to the common room, Evelyn started asking me about it. I think she's getting suspicious. She wouldn't let me go to bed until gave her an excuse."

Sirius stared at him. 'So what did you say?"

Remus busied himself in his trunk again. "I…had to lie. Told her we just went on monthly raids to Zonko's. Told her that there was a secret passage that only opened at the full moon."

Sirius gave an incredulous snort. "So did she buy that crap?"

Remus didn't look up. "…Yes."

"Oh, god," Sirius gave a groan and threw himself down on Remus' bed. "You know, if you just told her the truth-"

"Padfoot," said James warningly, looking at Remus' face. "Not now."

Sirius didn't push the matter. They went down to breakfast still in their pyjamas- it was their theory that, on a Sunday, they had the right to stay slovenly as long as possible. The Gryffindor Quidditch team had a practise that morning, and they went downstairs to find Jack O'Kelly and Sarem Johnson already sat at the Gryffindor table.

Soon, though, the Hall began to fill up with the rest of the school as they too, ventured down for breakfast. There was no sign of Lily, or Evelyn- James assumed they were both sleeping in. Ingrid stopped by to say a quick hello before hurrying off to the Ravenclaw table to have breakfast with Ivan.

"Post!" Sirius said, as hundred of owl flew in through the window at the top of the hall. James' heart jumped as he saw the familiar tawny wings of his owl, Gorgon, winging his way to the Gryffindor table. He perched himself on James' shoulder and nipped his ear softly. Remus fed the owl some toast as James ripped open the parchment tied to Gorgon's leg. The handwriting was James' father's- but it was shaky, and there were several ink blotches.

"Dear James,

We got the final test results yesterday. They confirmed our worst fears. It's more than probable that your mother will die. She's dying James.

Please come home for Christmas to say your goodbyes.

Dad."

Something exploded inside of James' head. He crushed the piece of parchment with his fist angrily. With his other hand, he swiped at his goblet. The goblet hit the wall with a clang, spilling pumpkin juice all over the floor.

Remus and Sirius stared.

"James?' Sirius said, "is everything…okay?"

"No!" James choked out. "Everything sucks!" He sniffled, feeling the awful sensation of tears behind his eyes. He twisted the parchment between his hands. "She's probably going to die."

"Oh…" Remus' already large eyes widened. "Oh- oh James that's…oh shit."

James bent his head, forcing the tears not to come. There was no way to explain the desolate feeling inside him.

But what could crying do?

Sirius had put a hand on James' shoulder and was gripping it very tightly. James wanted him to go away- he wanted everyone to go away.

"Are we going to go out and practise now?" Jack O'Kelly was standing on the other side of the table. His broomstick slung over his shoulder. "James? Hey- are you all right?"

"Fine," James lied through gritted teeth.

"Are you sure? Because you don't look fine."

"I'm FINE!" James shouted. It echoed round the hall momentarily. Conversation stumbled as everyone turned to see who was making the commotion.

Jack stepped back a few paces. "James, I, I'm sorry, um, I didn't mean to-"

James buried his face in his knees. Sirius' grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Don't worry about it Jack," said Remus firmly. "He'll be alright."

"But, I didn't mean to make him angry- I'm sorry James."

"It's okay," James mumbled into his knees.

"Get out of here, kiddo," Sirius said, "Take Sarem with you out onto the pitch and throw the Quaffle around- practice is cancelled today."

"Oh- okay."

He retreated quickly. Remus and Sirius knelt down either side of James' chair. Sirius's hand never left James' shoulder- though he was gripping so tightly now it hurt.

"James," said Sirius slowly, firmly, "Listen to me. You can get through this."

"Everything just keeps getting worse," James mumbled into his knees.

"I know, but you've come this far, haven't you?"

"Everyone's leaving…" James muttered.

"We're not," said Remus urgently. "James? We're still here. We'll help you, okay?"

Help him? No one could help right now. His mother was going to die- how could anyone help him. he wanted someone to take him in their arms and make everything all better. Only one person he knew could do that. She was the only one who could help him now.

James sat up slowly, painfully aware that Sirius and Remus could see the tears that had blossomed in his eyes.

"Thank you," he said quietly. "But I need her help too. I…I need her now."

"Who? Your mother?"

"No." James got to his feet and strode up to the Gryffindor common room, to find Lily. Surely she wouldn't snap at him now- he would explain to her and she would realise just how much he needed her at this moment.

"Lily?' he yelled, as he ran up the corridor that led to the portrait hole. "Lily, are you in-"

WHACK! The portrait hit something very hard as he slammed it open. The something yelped and fell backwards onto the wall.

"Oh my," James said, pushing back to portrait to see who it was. Lily was leaning against the wall, holding her nose. Scattered on the ground around her were several sheafs of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink that had spilled and was now staining the carpet.

"Lily-! I'm sorry- are you okay?" he helped her to her feet, very momentarily forgetting his problem. "I was in a hurry to find you- I really need to talk to you, Lil, and-"

"James you absolute IDIOT!" Lily snapped suddenly. She took her hands away from her face to reveal a bleeding nose. She look at the blood on her fingers in shock. "Oh- great! Just what I need!" She bent down and started picking up the papers angrily, shoving them every which way into a pile. "Professor McGonagall asked me to sort these fifth year essays out- and now they're all mixed up! Thanks a lot!"

"I'm…sorry…" James said, feeling an impending sense of doom. Lily wasn't listening- why wasn't she listening? "Lily, look- I really need t talk to you, I really need your help-"

"Oh, so that's it, is it?" Lily said furiously, straightening up to look him in the eye -(On closer observance, she looked extremely tired and grumpy). "Ignore me for weeks on end and then, when you need help, come running back? Is that what you're trying to do?"

James stared at her open mouthed. Right when he needed her, she was going to bring this up?

"What?" he said finally.

"Forget it!" she snapped, "if this is another one of your little problems, just forget it! I've got problems of my own right now James- I can't help you every time there's something wrong! I can't make everything all better- why don't you just grow up and sort it out yourself this time?"

It felt as though she had just slapped him. James, for the second time in as many minutes, was lost for words. All he could do was stare at her. This was impossible- this was the girl he loved, and she was telling him to grow up and sort out his own problems? His mother's declining condition was simply "another one of his little problems"?

There was a good ten-second silence as James stared at her, bending down to pick up more papers.

How could she?

"Goodbye," he said finally, and, after grabbing his cloak, left. Somehow, though he felt too weak to walk, his legs carried him to the Quidditch pitch, where he dropped to his knees in the frosty grass and let out a scream that brought snow dropping off the branches of the surrounding trees.

*

After he left, Lily leant against the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor, and stayed like that for quite some time. She couldn't believe what she had just done. The look on James' face after she told him to grow up almost brought tears to her eyes- he had looked so lost and confused, she just wanted to reach out and hug him. But she couldn't back down. All she could do was sit there and replay the conversation in her mind, and wish to God that she could take back what she said.

But on the other hand- she was right to be angry. James was the one who'd been ignoring her since Halloween; James was the one who was supposed to the Head Boy of the school but still acted like a first year- yes, she had every right to be angry!

"It's his fault," she told herself sternly, "he shouldn't have started to ignore me just because I've got a lot of homework to do." She looked at her wristwatch, and saw, with some surprise, that she had been lying on the floor for ten minutes- "Dammit!" She had promised to return these essays to professor McGonagall before breakfast- and the Professor hated it when anyone was late. Just as she was gathering up the last of the papers, the portrait hole swung open again and hit her squarely in the back of the head. "Ow!" she yelped. Two heads poked around the door- it was Sirius and Remus. "Oh, my- sorry Lil," said Sirius, bending down to help her up.

"My fault," muttered Lily, "I shouldn't have been sitting behind the door anyway."

"No, probably not" Sirius agreed. He started helping her collect the essays that had been scattered on the floor once again. Remus looked around. "Where's James?"

"How should I know?" Lily snapped.

"What happened to your nose?' Sirius asked, looking at her curiously. Lily reached up to her face to feel her throbbing nose. It definitely felt swollen.

"James," she said, feeling another flush of anger. "He came storming in here like the idiot he is and crashed straight into me!"

"Did he seem all right?' Remus said anxiously, "He didn't seem upset, or…suicidal?"

"What? What are you talking about?" Lily snapped. "He was going on about needing my help- I tell you, every time he has a problem he come running to me like I'm his mother!"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance and turned back to her. "Did you…get angry with him?" said Sirius slowly.

"Of course I did! He's been ignoring me for weeks, and suddenly he expects me to drop everything to help him?"

Sirius groaned and leaned against the wall. "Lily, you daft cow!"

"What?"

Remus looked upset. "He came up here to find you so that he could tell you about the letter he got this morning, Lil."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "So?"

"It's was from his dad," said Sirius, putting his hand over his eyes, "About his mum. She's going to die, Lily."

Someone grabbed Lily's insides with cold hands and twisted them. "What?' she whispered. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

"His dad wrote to him this morning- the doctors confirmed at everything…"

"Oh my god." Lily sat down on the floor. "I can't believe…what I just did!" She covered her face in her hands.

'Well, maybe if you[d just listened!" snapped Sirius. 'What exactly did you say to him?"

"I…I told him to grow up and solve his own problems," Lily said into her hands, feeling fresh waves of powerful shame. "Oh my god…I can't believe what I've done…"

There was a silence into which Sirius swore violently.

"Okay, well, look- this isn't so bad," Remus said, "I mean, James could be throwing himself off the astronomy tower as we speak, but it's not so bad."

"I've got to go find him," Lily said, "I have to apologise. I can't believe this has happened."

"His mum's been getting worse for weeks, how could you not expect it?" Sirius said, as he pulled Lily to her feet.

"Well, I haven't really been at the top of James' list of people to talk to, have I?" Lily said exasperatedly.

"And the moment you were, you told him to grow up," Sirius said dispassionately. "Way to go."

"Sirius," said Remus warningly. He turned to Lily with a grave look on his face, "Do you know where's he gone?"

"I've got a pretty good idea," Lily answered, and hurried out of the common room, down to the Great hall, and outside, to the Quidditch pitch.

*

James hadn't been on the pitch long before he felt someone touch his shoulder softly. "James?" It was a girl.

James swivelled, "Li- oh. Hi, Stephanie."

"Are you all right?" There was concern in her eyes, "I heard you screaming. Are you in pain? Uh- why are you in your pyjamas?"

James sniffled, hurriedly wiping the tears away. "Nothing's wrong, I'm okay." He looked into her eyes, and suddenly, he didn't feel like lying. "Actually, I'm anything but okay. I got a letter from my dad this morning about mum."

"Oh? How's she doing?" Stephanie asked as she settled herself into the snow beside him.

"She's…probably going to die."

Stephanie gasped. "Oh- James! You poor boy!" And she hugged him very tightly, planting a kiss on his cheek as she did so. "You poor, poor boy…"

James felt slightly funny, hugging someone that wasn't Lily. It felt like cheating, somehow. But Stephanie's embrace was so warm and comforting- she was just being a good friend, really. And Lily wasn't being anything close to a friend at the moment. "Lily…" he muttered darkly under his breath.

"What did you just say?" Stephanie said, moving back and giving him a curious look.

"Lily. She- well, I went up to see her, to tell her about my mum and she…she…" He hung his head. "She didn't care. She told me to grow up."

"Oh, James!" Stephanie cried, sounding absolutely horrified. She took his face in her hands- warning bells went off in James' head, but Stephanie was talking, her eyes were boring into his, and her voice was soft and sympathetic.

"I always knew something like this would happen," she said, "You- you're so sweet and sensitive, and Lily- well, she's a very harsh person- all she cares about is getting good grades. And you know what that means, James? She only really cares about herself." James wanted to contradict her- "You're wrong!" he blurted out immediately, but then…he thought back to the scene on the common room just minutes ago, and Stephanie's words sounded so right.

"I'm not," she said gently, "Some girlfriends just aren't worth having, and if Lily doesn't care about something as important as your mother, well, then…what else can I say? She's not worth it."

The words echoed hollowly in James' head. "She is. She really is. I just…I just wanted her to be there for me…" he quavered.

"I'm here James, and always will be, for you. You don't need someone like Lily- she's no good for you. But I promise that I'll always be here when you need me."

Stephanie was by now, very close, and her words were so kind. James was sick of being snapped at and treated like shit. Stephanie was right- but did he want this?

"Don't," he said, in a surprisingly strong tone of voice, "I love her…"

It still came as a surprise to him when Stephanie leaned forward and kissed him. No, he definitely didn't want this- this felt wrong. This was cheating. He and Lily weren't broken up yet- he needed to hear her say the words herself before that was decided. He wanted to push Stephanie away, but somehow…couldn't.

She broke off the kiss herself, looking at him with those large hazel eyes. 'What's the matter?"

"I…don't kn-" But then he saw something over Stephanie's shoulder that made his blood freeze. It was Lily.

She turned around and ran. "Lily!" James yelled, wrenching himself free of Stephanie's grip. He ploughed through the snow after her, out of the stadium, past the greenhouses- "Lily! STOP!" he yelled, but it was no use. Still she ran, nearly knocking Hagrid over as she pelted past his house.

"Watch it!" he cried, and then jumped back again as James came sprinting past after her. "Oy! Watch where yer goin', you two!"

Lily couldn't keep ahead of him for long- James had much longer legs and was fitter, thanks to his years of Quidditch training. She stumbled over a tree root at the lake, and with a cry of surprise, fell, panting, onto the snow-covered ground. "Lily!" James panted, lurching up to her, "Are you all right?"

"Don't touch me! Go away!" Lily yelled, as he made to bend down and pick her up.

"Lily, I can explain," he said desperately, as she pulled herself to her feet, brushing snow and dirt off her robes.

"Me too," she said, breathing very hard, "You were kissing Stephanie Brocklehurst."

"But, it wasn't what it looked like- she kissed me."

Lily gave a short, mirthless laugh, "Oh please!" she snapped breathlessly, "How am I supposed to believe that?"

"What makes you think I'd lie?"

"Well, you've only been flirting wildly with each other for the past two months- I should've seen this coming."

"WHAT?!" James yelled, "What do you mean, flirting? Just because I give her tutoring in Transfiguration-"

"Yea, and the top Transfiguration student in Ravenclaw really needs help from you!" Lily yelled back.
"What?" James said again, highly confused.

"I trusted you!" she said, her cheeks high in colour from the cold, "I thought I was right now to suspect anything all this time, but now I see- I was wrong!"

Now James was angry. "Well, even if I had been cheating on you, it's not as though there would have been anything wrong with it-"

"OH? How do you figure THAT?" Lily interjected.

"-Because, as far as I know, we've broken up!"

"No we haven't!"

"Well, how am I supposed to know, what with you ignoring me and snapping at me every time I try to speak to you!" He looked at her furious face and laughed incredulously, 'Well, what did you expect me to think, Lily? That we'd still be going out but just not speak to each other?"

"It was you that started ignoring me, James! Don't try to twist this around on me!" Lily was shivering now- she had neglected to put on her cloak and now her robes were wet from falling into the snow.

"If you wanted to break up you could have just SAID so!" James snapped "It's better to tell the truth than just…ignore me!"

"The truth? What would you know about it, James? You're never honest with me- you're always lying and hiding behind your jokes. I'm sick of it!"

James' mouth dropped open. "What do you mean, lies? I don't lie!"

"Okay- tell me where you go every full moon."

James was caught off guard. "Wh-what?"

"Every full moon when Remus is ill- you, Peter and Sirius sneak out of the common room. Where do you go?" she demanded.

"We just…go raid Honeydukes, if it's any of your business!" James said hotly, feeling his cheeks burn.

"Bollocks!" she said harshly. "And now, I walk out to find you kissing someone else- to think I came out here to apologise-"

"Apologise? You? As if!"

"Arrgh!" Lily threw up her hands in frustration. "I can't believe you- you've cheated on me, James! You're so…so…"

"So what? Immature? Pathetic? Irritating? A distraction? There's a whole library of insults there to use on me Lily- you've used them before, just pick one!"

Lily took a deep breath through her nose. She had wrapped her arms around herself in an effort to keep warm. James tried not to feel any compassion for her- it was hard enough being angry as it was.

"Look," he said roughly, "Do you want up break up or not?"

She fixed him with a cold green stare for a good five seconds. "I think that would be best right now, don't you?"

"I certainly do."

"All right then." Lily gave him one last look, turned on her heel, and walked off to the castle. James went the opposite way, feeling as though he'd just cut off his last leg.