Greetings, people, and welcome to our latest installment. This time, I was
able to hook all of you up with an exclusive interview with Selphie
Tilmitt. What's up?
"Absolutely nothing."
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"
Explain.
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."
Whoa. Where did you get these?
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."
You are such a bad liar, you know that?
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."
Did you just...?
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"
Okay. So, how were they?
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."
I see. And the producers?
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."
I see. So, what is next for you?
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"
NICE TRY.
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...
"Wait. I need some help."
Shoot.
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"
Oh. Okay?
"YIPPIE!"
"Absolutely nothing."
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"
Explain.
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."
Whoa. Where did you get these?
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."
You are such a bad liar, you know that?
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."
Did you just...?
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"
Okay. So, how were they?
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."
I see. And the producers?
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."
I see. So, what is next for you?
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"
NICE TRY.
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...
"Wait. I need some help."
Shoot.
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"
Oh. Okay?
"YIPPIE!"
