Greetings, people, and welcome to our latest installment. This time, I was
able to hook all of you up with an exclusive interview with Selphie
Tilmitt. What's up?
"Absolutely nothing."
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"
Explain.
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."
Whoa. Where did you get these?
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."
You are such a bad liar, you know that?
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."
Did you just...?
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"
Okay. So, how were they?
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."
I see. And the producers?
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."
I see. So, what is next for you?
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"
NICE TRY.
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...
"Wait. I need some help."
Shoot.
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"
Oh. Okay?
"YIPPIE!"
Greetings to all of my loyal cult following! This is the end of Wave One of these things, mainly because I "couldn't book" Seifer or any of them. However, I am hooking you up with the "actress" who played Rinoa Heartilly. WASSUP?
"Charmed. Is that...slang?"
Whoa. I didn't expect you to....
"Have half of a brain? Of course I have to. I'm the relative neophyte to the business of all of them. I needed to make sure that I had the skills academically before my parents would allow me to take these roles. Even if I didn't, I still want to make sure that I would be able to have a career once my looks fade and I'm forced into chick-flick video games."
I see. Quite sane of you.
"Thank you."
So, your career seems to be the most meteoric of the main characters. How did you start out?
"Well, mine was just good luck. I had some older contacts who set me up an interview for FFVIII. I only assumed that I'd be cast as one of the Library Girls, maybe Xu if I was lucky. Then the director thought I had the perfect look for the romantic lead. He had me read for it, and I pulled the shocker. From there, they called other producers, gave them some info on my skills, and I have a few more parts!"
And which would those be again?
"Well, right out of the gate I was given a totally sweet deal with LucasArts to officially make all those nights studying a consummate waste..."
You don't mean...
"Yep. Right out, they booked me to be Amidala in a series of Star Wars games."
Zang.
"Exactly what I thought. I still love FFVIII, but I'm trying to branch out. I know what happens when the next FF comes out. People forget about your skills. I saw it happen too up-close..."
What do you mean?
"Well, I don't like to bring it up too much, but..."
Come on.
"Well, I'm cool with you. You're really the only interviewer I'll work with..."
Really?
"Do you want to hear the reasoning?"
Okay. We'll touch on that afterwards.
"Well, the contact I had to get me the audition was my big sister Tifa."
Whoa. That is a surpriser.
"I know. I tried to keep it silent. I mean, if you think of someone who's related into FFVII, the stuff you get is either Barret/Raijin OD'ing on crank or Seifer using his relation to Cloud to justify being a real baby about things on set. I just figured it was a saner move to rise above those and keep my bloodline on the DL."
I see. Good choice. So, what was that about me being the only one you'll work willingly?
"Well..."
Come on.
"You're the only one who'll actually treat me like I'm real. Everyone else hears the rumors Selphie started about me or just looks at me having been Squall's love interest in the game, and they assume I'm some flighty, drug- addled slut-whore. You actually treat me like one of them."
Why exactly did these things happen?
"Well, Selphie was just a freaking jealous bitch. She was up against me for the Star Wars roles. She gave them all of her 'couch auditions', but it went to me on my talent. She got angry and called the Enquirer. Other than that, it's just simple 'Prom King/Queen Syndrome'..."
Ah, yes. The one you want is a paragon of virtue, but the one he or she's with is either a boorish jock or a complete ho...
"Exactly. You don't do that stuff."
Well, there's too many parallels between you and the "IRL" you, if you will...
"I know. I've seen your old stuff back on the other labels. I'm talking about your treatment of Squall."
Well, that's the way when you've risen above that stuff...
"Exactly. So, any other questions?"
Well, the, um, FANS want to know. Did any of those relationships that you were in in the game stick?
"Of course not. Seifer? PLEASE. I know we aren't related, but ANY child with 'Seifer Almasy's' DNA in it just has to have some parallel to the banjo player in Deliverance. Squall was pretty cool, we went out a couple of times during filming, but it turned out to be another 'On the Set' fling. Besides, I'm too busy with my schooling to have time for anyone...yet *hint, hint*."
Well, that's another thrilling episode. Tune in when I get some more ideas.
"Absolutely nothing."
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"
Explain.
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."
Whoa. Where did you get these?
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."
You are such a bad liar, you know that?
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."
Did you just...?
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"
Okay. So, how were they?
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."
I see. And the producers?
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."
I see. So, what is next for you?
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"
NICE TRY.
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...
"Wait. I need some help."
Shoot.
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"
Oh. Okay?
"YIPPIE!"
Greetings to all of my loyal cult following! This is the end of Wave One of these things, mainly because I "couldn't book" Seifer or any of them. However, I am hooking you up with the "actress" who played Rinoa Heartilly. WASSUP?
"Charmed. Is that...slang?"
Whoa. I didn't expect you to....
"Have half of a brain? Of course I have to. I'm the relative neophyte to the business of all of them. I needed to make sure that I had the skills academically before my parents would allow me to take these roles. Even if I didn't, I still want to make sure that I would be able to have a career once my looks fade and I'm forced into chick-flick video games."
I see. Quite sane of you.
"Thank you."
So, your career seems to be the most meteoric of the main characters. How did you start out?
"Well, mine was just good luck. I had some older contacts who set me up an interview for FFVIII. I only assumed that I'd be cast as one of the Library Girls, maybe Xu if I was lucky. Then the director thought I had the perfect look for the romantic lead. He had me read for it, and I pulled the shocker. From there, they called other producers, gave them some info on my skills, and I have a few more parts!"
And which would those be again?
"Well, right out of the gate I was given a totally sweet deal with LucasArts to officially make all those nights studying a consummate waste..."
You don't mean...
"Yep. Right out, they booked me to be Amidala in a series of Star Wars games."
Zang.
"Exactly what I thought. I still love FFVIII, but I'm trying to branch out. I know what happens when the next FF comes out. People forget about your skills. I saw it happen too up-close..."
What do you mean?
"Well, I don't like to bring it up too much, but..."
Come on.
"Well, I'm cool with you. You're really the only interviewer I'll work with..."
Really?
"Do you want to hear the reasoning?"
Okay. We'll touch on that afterwards.
"Well, the contact I had to get me the audition was my big sister Tifa."
Whoa. That is a surpriser.
"I know. I tried to keep it silent. I mean, if you think of someone who's related into FFVII, the stuff you get is either Barret/Raijin OD'ing on crank or Seifer using his relation to Cloud to justify being a real baby about things on set. I just figured it was a saner move to rise above those and keep my bloodline on the DL."
I see. Good choice. So, what was that about me being the only one you'll work willingly?
"Well..."
Come on.
"You're the only one who'll actually treat me like I'm real. Everyone else hears the rumors Selphie started about me or just looks at me having been Squall's love interest in the game, and they assume I'm some flighty, drug- addled slut-whore. You actually treat me like one of them."
Why exactly did these things happen?
"Well, Selphie was just a freaking jealous bitch. She was up against me for the Star Wars roles. She gave them all of her 'couch auditions', but it went to me on my talent. She got angry and called the Enquirer. Other than that, it's just simple 'Prom King/Queen Syndrome'..."
Ah, yes. The one you want is a paragon of virtue, but the one he or she's with is either a boorish jock or a complete ho...
"Exactly. You don't do that stuff."
Well, there's too many parallels between you and the "IRL" you, if you will...
"I know. I've seen your old stuff back on the other labels. I'm talking about your treatment of Squall."
Well, that's the way when you've risen above that stuff...
"Exactly. So, any other questions?"
Well, the, um, FANS want to know. Did any of those relationships that you were in in the game stick?
"Of course not. Seifer? PLEASE. I know we aren't related, but ANY child with 'Seifer Almasy's' DNA in it just has to have some parallel to the banjo player in Deliverance. Squall was pretty cool, we went out a couple of times during filming, but it turned out to be another 'On the Set' fling. Besides, I'm too busy with my schooling to have time for anyone...yet *hint, hint*."
Well, that's another thrilling episode. Tune in when I get some more ideas.
