Dangerously in Love

Part four

John and D'argo stopped at the scene and took in the broken DRD, the door and utensil in one glance. Crichton couldn't move for a moment, and then pulled himself together "Pilot! Aeryn's escaped!" He cried over the com.

"I'll get the DRDs searching John, you have to find her soon, the heat from those suns could kill her if she gets to close to the heat!" Pilot panicked.

John's heart drummed with alarm, D'argo nodded "We'll split up, you go search the lower tiers and I'll go look in the upper tiers."

"Right! Jool? Chiana? You there?"

"Yes, don't worry John," Jool replied, "We'll find her."

"God knows what she'll do," muttered Crichton under his breath "I'll never frelling forgive myself!"

Aeryn ran harder through the corridors, her legs still felt weak from the drugs she had received earlier, but she staggered to the docking bay. She found her Prowler and staggered towards it.

She turned to see two DRDs training their guns on her; she pulled her gun out of her holster and shot them quickly.

"Pilot would have shut the doors," John said, leaning against the Prowler.

"I know how to deal with that," Aeryn replied looking around the bay, she laid her eyes on the perfect way to open Moya's docking bay doors.

"For once," said John "Sparky has made himself useful."

Aeryn laughed as she set up the sevva crystals and detonators "You can say that again," she smiled at John "I'll see you John."

"Good luck honey."

Aeryn hopped up into the Prowler, twisted the bomb and threw it towards Moya's doors.

Pilot cried out as the blast rocked the whole ship violently, "John? D'argo? Jool? Anybody?! There was an explosion in the docking bay!"

Crichton looked round as the ship shook and he fell hard onto his side. Cursing because he had fallen on several painful bruises, he got up and another call came over the com "Moya's panicking! The docking bay doors are opening! I can't stop them!"

John's mind raced, that could have been Aeryn, she could have set off the bomb and-

Then the call came over the com. From Aeryn.

"Everybody? This is Aeryn."

John was the first to gather his senses "Aeryn! What the hell are you doing?!"

"What I should have done the moment I came back to Moya. I am leaving, I'm not going to come back."

"Aeryn! Don't do this please!"

"Crichton, I am grateful for everything you have done, I'm sorry I hit you, I'm sorry I never appreciated the fact that you loved me, but you have to understand; I can never love you back. I love John, more than anything, I cannot live without him and I don't intend to."

"Aeryn! Don't tell me-"

"I saw everything in his eyes, it wasn't ever easy to love me, but he did, I sound so wretched, so sad, that is why I cannot go on being a burden to you all! To Moya, to Pilot or to any of you!"

John had already begun to run to the docking bay, he already knew what she was going to do; she was going to fly into one of the suns!

"I'm so glad for all of you, but I have to go. Thank you all so much."

There was a rumble of an engine.

"Chiana, Rygel, Jool, Pilot, D'argo, Moya and John, farewell."

"AERYN! GOD! DON'T DO THIS!" John screamed.

Everyone heard the message; they stopped, their hearts twisting at the words and John screaming at her to turn back.

Rygel lowered his head, Chiana let out a cry of anguish, Jool trembled with grief, D'argo uttered a Luxan pray under his breath and Pilot shook his great head in disbelief.

John carried on sprinting to the docking bay, desperate to stop her somehow.

He saw his module and ran towards it.

He wasn't going to let her go, not now; he didn't care if she never loved him again! Just as long as she lived!

The module hummed to life as he started it up "Aeryn, please, I am begging you! Please come back, don't die like this! Not again…" he sobbed "Aeryn…"

Farscape one blasted out after the Prowler, it was a desperate chase towards the suns and the Prowler's course was set.

Straight into the suns.

"John, you don't want to see this, it won't be pleasant," Aeryn's tone seemed calm and assured, "Go back to the others."

"Aeryn, what do I have to do to convince you to go back?" John's cry was struck through with despair.

"You can't do anything John, I have to do this and you know it."

"This isn't you! You had a dose of heat wave and a knock to the head! You are not thinking clearly!"

"I have been crying every night since I came back, did you know that? Talking won't help me, it won't bring him back-"

"Aeryn, don't… God… don't…"

"It's to late now, I've made up my mind."

She positioned the Prowler in a collision course with a small sun in her range.

"If it makes you feel better, this isn't your fault Crichton, I should have done this earlier and saved you all the pain. I am sorry, I hope you get home soon, John never did, but maybe you will."

"Frelling no!"

"Goodbye."

Aeryn pushed the controls forward; the Prowler shot towards the sun with a frightening speed and Aeryn shut her eyes.

"Zhaan, Mother, Father… John, I'm here."

She heard a chorus of screams and cries from her com, from everyone. They were a bit muffled, but she could still hear them, they called her back. She wasn't going to listen.

She was going home.

It was so strange here, peaceful, she was vaguely aware of a soft white glow around her and a feeling of weightlessness. She looked down at her hands and her body, not really knowing why.

"I'm dead."

"Not quite," said a familiar voice "you never seem to quite make it."

Aeryn turned to the source of the voice; it was filled with such calm and serenity that it was almost saintly.

"Zhaan?"

"The very same."

She looked so… beautiful, she was restored to the time before she had given her life for Aeryn, her arms outstretched in greeting and her deep blue eyes filled with the peace that she sought all of her life as a priest. She looked so happy.

"Zhaan!" Aeryn ran like a child towards her "I missed you so much!"

She embraced her tightly and Zhaan held her close "Child, what are you doing here?"

Aeryn looked into Zhaan's face "Stark's looking for your spirit, do you know?"

"Yes, I was calling him. He will find me soon I have no doubt, but why are you here?"

"I…" Aeryn began and saw another familiar face "Xhalax?"

"Aeryn, my dear!" She looked like she did when Aeryn met her as a child. She had lost the hate and fury that had cost her life in the end; she had found peace. She took Aeryn's hands tightly "I thought I told you to live my child," she said, not a trace of anger in her voice "what happened?"

"I choose to come here, I didn't want to live with so much hurt anymore! I wanted to end it and be with you all! And I am! I'm with everyone again…"

"This isn't right child," Zhaan said "you have too much too lose now, you have gained so much-"

"And lost it the moment he died!" Aeryn cried, "I thought I could finally be happy, but what ever I love, what ever I share feeling with, passes away before my eyes!"

"That is not your fault Aeryn," Xhalax said soothingly "it does not mean you should stop trying."

"I gave up mother, I could not live with the pain of so much emotion, it made me feel so weak and helpless. I felt like a burden to my friends where ever I went on Moya."

"Emotion doesn't make you a burden Aeryn, crying is a sign of strength, it makes you a compassionate and strong person," said Zhaan wisely "they will all want you back, they love you as much as we do."

"I couldn't go back… not now," Aeryn buried her face into her mother's shoulder "I want to stay."

"If we cannot convince you, then maybe someone else will," Xhalax smiled and stepped back.

He stood, proudly and bravely. His eyes were there blue, crystal clear colour again; he looked so alive again.

"Aeryn honey," he said with a smile "what are you here for?"

She stepped towards him, her eyes flooded with love she reached out and took his face in her hands "John, I missed you so much."

"So did I baby."

He wrapped his arms around her gently and brought his lips down to hers in the same bittersweet kiss they had shared when he died. She broke away and ran kisses down his neck and stopped at his shoulder "I cannot say how much I wanted you back John," she whispered intensely "I didn't think I could go on without you."

"I love you, why do you think I'd leave?"

"What?"

"I didn't leave you, no of us did! We just passed on."

She stared at him, "You mean… on that planet? When I kept seeing you? That was you?"

"Yes."

"I… thought it was the fellip nectar… talking to me!" She laughed.

"Must've been damn good fellip nectar!" He joked.

They laughed quietly, holding each other tightly until Aeryn said, "I'm staying."

"Aeryn, you can't."

"What? But you…"

"That wasn't me, I would never convince you to take your own life Aeryn and it's not worth it."

"I'm still staying."

He buried his face in her long black raven hair "Aeryn, Zhaan's right, you have a future, a life ahead of you, friends who would give their lives for you and everything! Why give it up for me?"

Aeryn shut her eyes "John, you are my life!"

"No, I am not. You are. I was part of it, but now you have to rebuild it. I am not worth your life, I never was."

"I would have given up everything to save you."

"I would be saying the same thing if our positions were reversed."

She sniffed and looked back at him again "I… don't know…anymore…."

"Go back Aeryn, you still have a chance," said Zhaan "you were saved from death last time for a good reason, I will not let you die this time."

"If you can't live for me," said Xhalax "live for yourself."

"Aeryn, I love you to much to let you die like this, please," John lifted her chin "go back now."

The controls shot forward with the force of the sun's gravitational pull.

"I can't just give up," said Aeryn "I won't!"

 "Aeryn, I love you, I know you will go on living, just like you deserve," John said and he kissed her again.

Aeryn gripped the controls as hard as she could and hauled back on them with all the strength she could muster.

She turned to the others "Mother, Zhaan? I love you both, I'm so glad you found your peace."

"As are we," said Zhaan "go and find yours."

She grit her teeth, come on! You frelling piece of dren! Pull up!

She turned back to look up at John "I love you John, I always have and always will."

"I love you to Aeryn."

With a loud cry, Aeryn tugged the controls back…

"Go on living my love; for you!"

… and the Prowler blasted out of the sun's gravitational pull, out of the heat of it's flames and shot into space. She shut her eyes as the force of the blast pushed against her painfully and tugged back onto the controls again to pull her craft to a halt.

She dared to open her eyes… she was alive! She'd made it! She laid back and sighed, "I won't give up," she said, "I never will."

Crichton looked on in the most heart-bursting joy as he saw Aeryn's Prowler shoot out of the sun's flames just in time. He cried out "AERYN! YOU'RE ALIVE! THANK GOD!"

Aeryn breathed deeply as the cries of delight ran through her ears "Aeryn! You're alright!" screamed Jool.

Chiana bellowed her battle cry "Yi-yi-yi! Aeryn! You made it!"

"Thank the Gods," muttered Rygel quietly.

"Aeryn! You did it!" D'argo's deafening bellow rang loud. 

John smiled, cried and laughed at the same time "Oh… honey, I can't tell you! You really had me worried then!"

"Yes, I'm alright," she said happily "I feel much better! I would like some help to get out of my Prowler when I land though!"

"No problem baby!"

Aeryn smiled, "Crichton?"

"Yes?"

"Don't call me baby."

"Sorry! I'm just-" there was a series of strangled cries of elation "I've never been so happy!"

"I'll be back at the ship in a microt, see you there," she said and turned off her com. They really did care, all of them and they wanted her alive. She let out a sigh, "I am loved, I can love again and I'll keep going."

"For me."

John landed on Moya first, letting the module down as gently as he could and quickly leaping out to see the Prowler land. He ran towards it and saw Aeryn crawl out. She focused her emerald eyes on him and smiled "I love you John…" she muttered and passed out.

"Quick! Someone! Get down here and help me!" John cried over the coms "she needs to get to a doctor!"

They came down in a rush, Jool was allowed to get to the unconscious sebaccean first and gave her a few drugs to treat her exposure to the heat of the suns. "She's going to be fine," she said, "I think the stabilisers I administered before are starting to take effect!"

"You mean-" Chiana began.

"The mental damage will probably clear up on it's own now!"

"Thank you Jool," Crichton kissed her on the cheek "I'm so grateful!"

"We all are," said D'argo "Jool you have been amazing."

She blushed, "I have to get her to the medical lab right away, I'll give you more details when I'm done," she said shyly.

Crichton and D'argo helped Jool carry Aeryn to the medical lab and laid her carefully on the bed there. Crichton took Aeryn's hand and kissed it "Well done," he muttered, "I knew you'd make it."

Aeryn, although deep in a comatose state, heard him and unbeknownst to him or anyone else, she smiled happily and waited until Jool had finished her monitoring.

Two arns later, Aeryn sat on a panel on Command staring out into space, she felt… complete in some way. She didn't feel crazily in love, she felt tranquil and calm. The stabilisers had worked it seemed. Maybe they'd kicked in just as she was about to crash into the sun? It seemed possible, but then again, wouldn't the heat of that sun made her condition worse? Perhaps that's why she saw them; she was hallucinating.

That was rational Aeryn. She couldn't have talked to the dead, not properly; it had to be her imagination. Then again, if they were a figment of the imagination, then wouldn't they have told her to keep going into the sun? Maybe that was a way for her brain, which had recovered due to the stabilisers, to tell her that she should turn back?

Whatever the reason, she felt better. That was the main thing.

But still, it would be had been good if she really had seen Zhaan, her mother and… John.

She heard footsteps behind her; she had a feeling she knew who it was, she said, "Hello Crichton."

He jumped, he didn't exactly want to sneak up on her, but he didn't want her to know he was there. "I'm- er- sorry- shall I go?"

"No, it's a free ship, you can stay if you want."

"Thank you."

The quiet seemed to fill the room like noise, until John spoke "How are you now?"

"Much better John, thank you for asking. Jool's medicine worked wonders!"

"Yeah, it's strange how they kicked in just before you crashed into a-"

He stopped, aware that he would probably regret saying anymore "Sorry! I didn't mean-"

"I know, it's suspicious, but it's true. A stroke of luck really."

"Pilot said that if you'd gone any further into the sun's orbit, you'd had been pulled down into it by the gravity and wouldn't had been able to escape even if you'd wanted to."

"Really?" Aeryn said "Even bigger stroke of luck then."

John sat on a table and looked at her back "Aeryn, we heard you speaking as you went down-"

"What did I say?"

"We weren't sure, it was muffled and distorted, but Pilot's life sign register on the Prowler showed you'd…"

Aeryn turned to face him "I'd what?"

"You'd… died Aeryn. Your life signs had gone completely."

"And I was speaking?"

"Yes," he leaned forward, "That was just a little weird Aeryn."

"Defiantly."

"Aeryn, what did you see? Who were you talking to?"

Aeryn looked thoughtful for a time and said, "I was talking to the dead, it was probably a hallucination or a dream, but I saw my mother, Zhaan and… I think you can guess who else."

He could, he looked at the floor for a moment and then back at her "Did they tell you to turn back?"

"Yes, they said that I should live because I had so much to live for, I agreed."

"Yeah, I do to."

Aeryn stared back out into space again "They said that I could deal with the emotions that nearly killed me, not fight them nor let them turn me inside out, but channel them differently. If you see what I mean."

"Yeah, I do."

There was another long silence.

"John-"

"I know, you can't love anyone else like him, you'll never be able to love me in the same way, I have to give you time etcetera. I understand."

Aeryn gave him a look, a strange sly smile and laughed, "You know me very well Crichton," she chuckled "I was going to say; 'I'm sorry for beating the dren out of you', but that is also my point."

She swung her legs off the panel and stood up "I'm glad you understand. I thank you for being so compassionate John, I'm also so thankful for your patience, but I'm afraid it will have to hold out longer."

"I have all the time in the universe babe-"

"John?"

"Aeryn, I don't mind." 

"You may wait in vain, maybe I'll never love again."

"I'm the king of wishful thinking, it could happen sooner than you think!"

She patted him on the hand "Don't bet on it," she laughed, "goodnight John."

She headed to the door, paused for a microt and then carried on walking.

Suddenly, John had a thought "Aeryn?"

"Hmm?" She called back.

"You said 'I love you John' just before you passed out as I carried you out of your Prowler."

There was a pause. "I was probably still feeling the effects of the heat, I probably thought you were John again or I was still 'talking to the dead'."

She started to walk again and John said again "But you said that you had recovered from the heat madness just as you were about to plummet into the sun."

There was an even longer silence

"Goodnight," was all she would say.

John looked back out into the blanket of stars and black that was space. A particularly bright star in the distance caught his eye; it was so much like Polaris, the North Star, the one that guided lost people home.

So far away; at the centre of the chart. It would take time to get there, but he'd get there eventually. Give it time.

He smiled to himself and said, "Screw you Harvey, love conquers all dude."

He continued looking out and began to sing

"Blue Moon blue moon, blue moon
 You knew just what I was there for,
You heard me saying a prayer for,
Someone I really could care for,
Wahouaouaoua!
And then there suddenly appeared before me,
The only one my arms will ever hold,
I heard somebody whisper "please adore me,"
And when I looked the moon had turned to gold," 
 
THE END