The Man Who Holds Her Heart
Part IV: When the Bow Breaks, and My World Crumbles

Author: Robbie: dougandcarol22 (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com )

Disclaimer: I'm all out of breath here, because the most amazing thing has happened. Today, while I happened to be cleaning John Well's office, I heard this little voice calling me from the closet. "Robbie…Robbie…" I went and opened it up and low and behold there are all the ER characters, old and new. They asked me to take them home with me so I grabbed a plastic sandwich bag and stuffed them in, then I ran as fast as I could all the way home. So now here I am and I own all of them, they are all mine!! Hold on a sec, that's the doorbell… Guess what? John Wells just came and stole them back, sorry guys, I now own nobody in this story…bummer.

Spoilers: You're good if you've seen up through Season 7. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies. Up to that, anything is fair game. Also, I am going to be using some spoilers for unseen Season 8 episodes. So, beware, don't say I didn't warn you.

Setting: This story is now going to become an alternate Season 8 and beyond. Since I don't like some of the things I've been hearing spoiler-wise they may not happen but since I am the author that is my choice.

Authors Note: Things have been going kind of slowly for a while, but for my sake and for yours I'm going to pick them up a little and say its now September, and Abby is three months pregnant. Throughout these last two and a half-months that there has been no actual writing by me, Abby and Carter have continued to grow as friends and each as come to a point where while they won't admit it yet to the other (only themselves), they are in love. So far, though, they are still friends, and NOTHING romantic has happened. Abby's pregnancy is going well and she is still not showing, so the staff, except for Carter, Mark Greene, and Kerry Weaver, don't about it yet. She has not heard from, or seen Luka, nor has she attempted to contact him. That's it, enjoy the fic. For an additional author's note, see the end of the story, I chose not to put it here on purpose to avoid spoiling the story.

Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.

a memory will be enclosed in these bracket things
8~~~~~~~~~~~~8 Indicates some sort of scene change.

This fic is dedicated to all the victims and their friends and families of the tragedies that occurred in the United States on September 11, 2001. You have my heartfelt sympathies. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of mourning and sadness.
By the way, if you don't read the first three parts of this series it won't make much sense, so I suggest you do that first. This is the fourth installment. Haha, now that I've spent an entire page on administrative things on to the Fic!
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In the dead of night, Abby sat in an aged wooden rocking chair next to the window, where rain poured down in angry torrents, outside. Her eyes staring out into space, she lazily ran her hand over her exposed belly that was only beginning to take a slightly different, more rounded shape. A cool breeze chilled her and she pulled down the white cotton tank top she wore over a pair of blue plaid boxer shorts, and resumed the gentle caress of her stomach over the soft fabric. A bolt of lightening followed by the deep rumble of thunder, momentarily illuminated the dark room she sat in. As if the sudden noise and flash of light had awoken her from a trance, Abby slowly began to rock back and forth in the chair, which creaked ever so often from its years of age. She exhaled deeply in almost a sigh, sliding her feet into the slippers that waited under the rocking chair, and stood up.

Her slippered feet dragged across the floor and she found herself stopping in front of the clock, hoping to catch a glimpse of the time. Bright red numbers glared at her tired eyes, momentarily distorted as they struggled to focus in the blackness that engulfed the bedroom. 2:01, Abby sighed again, she was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet unable to sleep.

This sleepless cycle had being going on ever since Luka left. She would stay up all night then go to work all day, and finally come home and sleep for a couple hours before nightmares would again haunt her sleep and she'd spend the rest of the night awake. The result being a lack of sleep that she needed now, even more so because of the life she was supposed to be taking care of, that lived inside of her body. Abby surmised that after getting used to sleeping in the warm comforting arms of another human being, it took a long time to get used to sleeping alone again. She missed the feel of his body, wrapped around hers through the late nights, and the king size bed seemed far too empty to sleep in without another person. She found that when she tried, she'd only end up hysterically crying into her pillow, and had almost stopped sleeping in the bed at all. A week ago, when she'd been feeling particularly exhausted, yet unable to sleep in the bed, she'd almost called Carter and asked him to come hold her while she slept. She'd decided against it, for fear of doing something they would both regret.

However, When she really thought about it, she enjoyed the stillness of the night, the peace and serenity it brought. It gave her the oppurtunity to really think, without being bothered much by the noises and other distractions that were a part of daily life in Chicago. She would have intimate conversations with herself, contemplating and analyzing most everything that had happened so far in her life by reaching deep into her soul for the answers she craved. And while one would think this would only torture and burden her already heavy soul, in retrospect, it had actually helped her to make peace with some of those inner demons.

In fact, she now felt a strong bond with the baby growing inside her womb, talking to it often, and she could never resist the urge to rub her tummy, almost feeling as if it were stroking the baby itself. The ultrasound pictures from early last week were posted in various rooms of her apartment, the most recent one, sitting in a frame next to the king size bed. Abby longed for the day that she could feel the baby kick inside her stomach, and see the outline of a head, two arms and two legs on the ultrasound. Even more than that, she lived in constant excitement of actually holding her child. More than ever, she regretted aborting her first pregnancy all those years ago when she was married to Richard. Her original fears had been calmed somewhat, eased by the bond she now shared with the baby, and she realized that even if this baby was sick, she would love it with all her heart. Her fears about herself as a mother had also almost disappeared, as she felt such motherly instincts towards the baby, her worrying about such trivial things had all but stopped.

Abby slipped out of her pajamas and wrapped a heavy white terrycloth robe around her body. As she walked into the bathroom to take a hot bubble bath she softly blew a kiss to the ultrasound picture on the nightstand. Then, in a hushed whisper she spoke, hoping to make peace at least for this night and be able to get some sleep. "Thank you for giving me this baby, Luka."

8~~~~~~~~~~~~8

With a groan, Carter rolled over in bed and took a quick look at the clock lying next to his bed. He pushed the button and a green luminescent light filled the screen behind red numbers. The bright light taunted his eyes, and he momentarily shut his eyes to block it out. When he opened them, they had adjusted somewhat and he read the time with more ease, 2:01. Unsure what exactly it was that had awoken him from a deep sleep, he closed his eyes and tried to return to the dream he'd been in the middle of. Moments passed, as he proved unsuccessful and he sat up to get out of bed.

Carter walked over to the window in his bedroom, and pushed the curtain aside. From his view he could see the rain beating down heavily on the busy street he lived off of. The bouncing of the millions of tiny raindrops bore a striking resemblance to a marching army, going straight into battle. The bright headlights of a car contrasted with the pitch-blackness of the night as it stopped at a red stoplight. He sighed again, as his thoughts directed to Abby.

At any given moment in the day, he could conjure up a picture of her in his head; the short brown hair, her cute little nose, and her beautiful chocolate brown eyes. She was beautiful in her simplicity, lacking the long blond hair, the clear blue eyes, the fat red lips and the enlarged bust size that was often conjured in ones mind when thinking of beauty. Not to John Carter; he realized that even though she lacked these so called "supermodel" features, he openly admitted that it was the combination of her features and her caring personality that could make his heart beat just a little bit quicker each time he saw her. It almost made him laugh, he'd spent his entire life searching for love, and continually fallen for blondes, now he had finally fallen in love, and the woman in question was a brunette

The truth was he was in love with her. And this time, he was sure he had finally found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the only problem was she didn't feel the same way and was carrying another man's child. Carter knew that he would wait for her to be ready, whether or not that actually happened, he couldn't fall in love again with anyone but she. When he had been seeing Harper Tracey, he thought he'd been in love, and when she left, he had been heartbroken, but had quickly gotten over it. The truth was he thought he had been in love with many other women, Abby Keaton, Anna Del Amico, and even Lucy Knight. Of course there had also been others, failed relationships where love hadn't even been an idea at the back of his head, such as with Roxanne, and least of all with Rena. But this time it was different, this time it was real. He found himself thinking about her all the time; her presence graced his sleep, and when he wasn't by her side, he always wondered what and how she was doing.

With this thought on his mind, Carter wondered what she was doing at this very moment. He highly doubted that she was sleeping, he already could see the exhaustion that was slowly overtaking her body and soul. He'd confronted her about this very topic only yesterday and she'd insisted she was fine, and changed the subject. She'd gotten angry with him later, when he asked if she'd let him prescribe some sleeping pills to help her sleep. It was obvious she was concerned about taking medication while being pregnant, and he could already see the maternal instinct that was beginning to change the way she acted. He yawned tiredly, resisting the urge to call her and make sure she was doing okay. Instead, he got back into bed, and soon fell into a deep sleep with dreams filled with thoughts of his dear Abby.

8~~~~~~~~~~~~8

That morning when Carter woke up it was still raining. He got into the shower and stayed in for over half an hour letting the hot, steamy water cascade down his body, massaging his aching muscles. Suddenly, he realized that he was late, and jumped out of the shower wrapping a towel around his middle. He and Abby were working the same shift, and since her car was in the shop, he had promised to give her a ride to work. Taking a quick glance at the clock on the way to the closet, he confirmed that he had only 10 minutes to get ready or there would be hell to pay with Weaver.

Moments later, Carter emerged from the closet, dressed in khaki pants, a button down shirt and a pair of suspenders. He completed the ensemble with a Dark Brown striped tie. After quickly brushing his teeth and shaving the stubble on his face, he was on his way.

Fifteen minutes later he arrived at Abby's apartment, parked the car and went to ring the buzzer. In seconds, he heard her voice over the speaker, "Hello."

"Hey Abby, it's Carter, you ready to go? "

"Yeah, I'll be down in a sec."

True to her word Abby appeared a couple minutes later, catching her breath. "Hey."

"Hey."

They got into the car and traveled to work making chatty conversation the entire way, and arriving with just enough time to deposit their things in the lounge before beginning to see patients.

8~~~~~~~~~~~~8

Carter walked up to the admissions desk, his eyes quickly scanning the surrounding area for a glimpse of Abby, who he hadn't seen since lunch, almost two hours ago. "Hey, Randi." She nodded a hello, her eyes never leaving the magazine she casually flipped through. "Seen Abby?"

Randi looked up at him, snapping her gum to the same beat as her foot tapped against the chair leg. She shook her head, "No, but Weaver wants you to take the leg-lac in two."

He sighed, "If you see Abby, tell her I'm looking for her okay?" Randi mumbled a short response in the affirmative, and grabbing the chart she held out, was on his way.

Carter walked into exam 2, snapping on a pair of sterile gloves. He smiled at the sheepish looking woman sitting on the table, clutching a towel to her leg and introduced himself. "Hello, I'm Dr. Carter, what seems to be the problem?"

8~~~~~~~~~~~~8
Meanwhile, as Carter began with his patient, Abby sat sitting in the lounge talking to Kerry Weaver, who had become very friendly since Abby told her about the baby. Kerry babbled on about the conference in Africa she'd just returned from, when a look of pain passed over Abby's face. "Abby are you okay?"

Abby smiled for Kerry's benefit and nodded. "Fine." She rubbed her stomach, and spoke again, the frown returning to her face. "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll see ya around, okay?"

Kerry grinned again and nodded. "I'm going to go see some patients, run the ER, do my thing."

Abby stood up and walked out of the lounge towards the women's faculty restroom. She rested her hand on the cold metal surface of the doorknob, and pushed open the heavy wooden door. As it opened, the image of a sickly looking woman met her eyes. The woman's deep brown eyes were sunken, further so by the dark bags under her eyelids. Her pale complexion was a pasty white that starkly contrasted with the dark bags. A chill ran down Abby's spine, sending goose-bumps all up and down her arms and legs, as she realized the woman was her own reflection in the mirror.

As her skin broke into a cold sweat, Abby opened the pale green stall, and walked into it. As she took down her pants, she gasped at what she saw, and stifled a sob. Blood. There was blood in her underpants. Her hand flew to her mouth to muffle the sounds of the tears that were sure to begin flowing soon. She had lost the baby, she was spotting, it was over. A fleeting thought crossed her mind, help, she needed help.

Moments later she emerged from the restroom, walking determinedly to find Carter. The un-fallen tears swimming in her eyes clouded her vision, and she ran right into Kerry, who grabbed her shoulders. "Abby? What's the matter? What happened?"

She took a shaky breath, "I'm spotting."

Kerry understood immediately, and pulled her into a one armed hug, her other hand still holding her crutch. She knew that it couldn't be good, and odds were against Abby at this crucial point in her pregnancy, but she tried to be supportive. "A little spotting is okay, Abby. It doesn't mean anything until we can get you checked out." While the friend in her kept her arm around Abby, the take-charge chief of the ER took charge and called out, "Randi, what's open?" The reply came and she instructed Abby to go into the room, she'd be in there shortly. With one last friendly pat, Kerry gave her a little push in the direction of the room.

"Can you get Carter?" Abby whispered tearfully. Kerry nodded and motioned to go with her hand.

"Randi," she called out. "Abby and I are taking a Jane Doe in exam 4, okay?" The clerk nodded and Kerry walked into the supply closet to grab a couple of things she would need. Then, she popped her head into exam 2, where she found Carter, his bowed over a patient's leg.

"Carter." His head shot up, nearly hitting the lamp that sat inches away from his head. He nodded, and Kerry suppressed a smile at his clumsiness. "Abby and I need you in curtain area 1, now."

His face still reddened from the almost embarrassing experience, he countered, "I'm with a patient, Kerry."

She nodded. "This is critical, we need your help." She looked at him pointedly then quickly added, "now."

He sighed, and with a quick apologetic glance at the patient stood up and followed Kerry out of the room. "What's going on that's of such importance that you have to embarrass me in front of a patient, Kerry?" Carter glared at her, the annoyance painfully obvious in his voice.

"It's Abby," she whispered quietly.

"Oh, God." His face immediately softened into one of concern for his friend and her unborn baby. "The baby?"

Kerry nodded sadly. "She said she had some cramps earlier, and when she went to the restroom a couple of minutes ago, spotting. I don't know how heavy, she asked me to come get you before we do anything."

Carter nodded in response, shaking his head sadly. "She was just starting to excited about the baby, too."

They arrived at the door, and Carter pushed it open, walking immediately to Abby's side. Grabbing her hand, he watched as a solitary tear slipped down her cheek, leaving a dark spot on the gown she'd changed into. He watched her take a deep shaky breath, staying silent, unsure what to say. Lucky for him she spoke first. "John… I lost my baby." As if admitting it for the first time had finally caused it to register in her mind, she burst into tears and her pulled her into a hug. Kerry watched from the doorway, not wanting to break this tender moment between the two friends.

Carter took the initiative to speak next, hoping to delay the unavoidable feeling the new mother would soon have to face. "Hey… Hey, Abby you don't know for sure, let's take things one step at a time, huh?" He stroked her hair, and continued whispering in her ear. "That's a good girl, just calm down." Soon enough, her sobs quieted, and she lay back on the bed, emitting a hiccup every once in a while. Right on cue, like a scene out of a play, Kerry stepped over.

"Abby?" Abby nodded, wiping the last of her tears with a quick swipe of her hand, and turned her attention to the older doctor. "We'll do a pelvic first, then evaluate the situation, okay?" Abby confirmed with a quick tilt of her head and Kerry began the quick exam. As her head disappeared under the sheet, the room fell silent, matching the somber mood of the people it held. Moments later, Kerry's face emerged, the expression on her face speaking without words the answer that tore Abby's world into two.

The color drained from her face and she could almost feel every last grain of hope and happiness sink to the floor in a puddle of despair. She would never see, nor hold her baby. She wouldn't be a mother, or raise the helpless newborn into a beautiful child with its own ambitions and dreams. Kerry spoke two words that confirmed it. Two words Abby hoped that she would never hear again. "I'm sorry."

8~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~8
End of Part 4

Feedback is greatly appreciated… kindly direct it to gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. Just a little side note: the more feedback I get, the quicker you'll be reading Part 5.

Authors Note Part II: The one I promised in the first one… I just wanted to say that I don't know anything about pregnancy, and/or miscarriages whatsoever, except for what graces my screen every Thursday night on ER. Please don't email me telling me that there were inaccuracies… I know, that's what this note is for.