The Man Who Holds Her Heart
Part V: Gaining From What Has Been Lost

Author: Robbie … (gigglgrl26@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this story. They belong to Michael Critchton, Warner Brothers, NBC, Amblin Productions and I'm sure a bunch more people who I forgot, sorry in advance. The author means no harm by this story and no infringement is intended.

Spoilers: I guess up through Season 7… nothing big I can think of, but there may be some general references. The events in Rampage (i.e. the Carter/Abby "discussion") never took place. Basically… Where the Heart Is, is the last episode that applies.

Archive: Contact me, gigglgrl26@hotmail.com … odds are I'll say yes but I do want to know where this goes.

(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o)*(o) Indicates some sort of scene change.

Note: This is part 5. In order to understand what the heck is happening, I suggest you read the other 4 parts, which can be found archived on fanfiction.net. Thanks so much to all my gracious reviewers … This one's for you!

Timeline/Setting: Takes place approximately 2 weeks after Abby's miscarriage. She spent a couple of days in the hospital after the initial discovery and then about a week and a half at home recovering. This installment starts out on her first day back to work since the miscarriage.

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Hot wisps of steam rose from the mug Abby's hands were delicately wrapped around. She blew softly to cool the scalding cup of coffee, sending ripples across its smooth surface. Then, closing her eyes for a moment, she inhaled deeply, absorbing the misty vapors into her system. She carefully lifted the ceramic vessel to her mouth, and took a long sip, savoring the bitter sweetness and letting it heat her ice cold body.

Moments later, Abby set the mug, devoid of any contents, on the table. She took a deep shaky breath and willed herself not to burst into tears, the morning ritual, which had quickly resumed its position as "the norm." The wooden chair rubbed against the floor producing a screeching sound as she pushed backwards and rose from her seat.

The closet opened and she reached to grab a black and brown striped turtleneck and a pair of lavender scrub pants, which were instantly thrown onto the bed. After a moment of rummaging, the matching lavender jacket too joined its match on the bed. Abby began to undress, shedding her heavy robe and slippers. Without meaning to, she found herself being pulled like a magnetic force towards the full length mirror that stood to the left of the television. She continued to strip, getting prepared to get dressed for the first time in two weeks. Her red plaid pajama pants fell to the floor, and she stepped out of them, reaching next for the black camisole.

As she lifted the simple garment off her head, she expected to find some sort of mark, a big red "X," an ugly scar, an angry message, or something worse. But there was nothing. Her pale skin glared back at her in the reflection, appearing as normal as ever. She allowed herself to wonder, why was there no mark or message? No remembrance of the life that had lived there for the better part of three months?

Abby gasped as she felt her hand subconsciously rub its way across her belly out of a habit. The icy coldness of her fingers caused her body to break out into goose-bumps and a solitary tear to slip down the side of her cheek. She was shocked to find that her skin felt the same, smooth and taut however the small roundness it had begun to take on was gone. As was her baby. Gone, like last weeks trash. And now, she was left alone. More alone, she realized, than when Luka had left her. More alone then ever before.

Shivering, she quickly pulled on the earlier selected outfit. Allowing herself a quick glance at the clock, Abby quickly finished getting ready, pushing her earlier thoughts to the back of her mind for contemplation at a later point in time. Within 15 minutes she was exiting her apartment building into the brisk Chicago air. Even though warmly bundled in a winter coat, gloves, scarf, and mittens and hat, the frigid atmosphere sent a chill through her body and she hurried to her car.

Abby turned the car's heater as high as it would go, as the rest of the car began to thaw. Within minutes she was on the way to County General for her first day back at work since she had lost her most precious possession. Her unborn child.

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With a plethora of feelings swirling around her mind and heart, she walked into the hospital through the large double doors.

"Abby!" Susan Lewis called, smiling brightly. A couple of the other nurses and doctors who were at the front desk looked up and greeted her similarly. Abby waved back, a lump growing in her throat, her stomach beginning to churn.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. She mentally coached herself, walking into the lounge to hang her coat into her locker. The continued the calming exercise, walking straight into Carter.

Carter gripped her elbow to keep her from falling. "Hey to you too," he replied, chuckling.

"Sorry. I was …"

"Busy breathing, I saw."

Abby smiled, suddenly feeling more at ease in his company. "Listen Carter … I've been thinking a lot about me and Luka this past two weeks." She paused. "And where the baby factors … factored rather, into that equation." Carter looked baffled. "I guess what I really want to know is if you heard anything from him this week. Did he call the hospital or anything?"

Realization quickly flickered across his face. "Nope, not that I know of. Sorry."

She smiled, mentally pulling herself together. "Thanks. I'll uh… see you later, okay?"

Carter nodded. "Later it is."

Abby watched as he walked to the door, pulling it open, and stepping out. His lanky body disappeared into the hall as he was once again sucked into the ER vortex. With a sigh, she began to unwrap her scarf and remove her coat, before walking over to her locker.

'Lockhart', the white letters boasted. Simple and American, yet not overly common. The only good thing that had come out of her marriage to Richard. Abby's mind drifted to the young man she'd married who had quickly become the bastard she divorced. But now, Richard was not her problem. No, at the moment there was another man who had wreaked havoc in her life, her heart. Left her broken, alone, pregnant. And worst of all, wondering why. Luka.

There were so many unanswered questions. So many things she needed to know, but had no way of finding out. Where was he? Why did he leave? The list was endless. But for now, she would have to settle with the simple fact that he was gone. No longer a part of her life in any way. His things had long since been cleared out, save the memories in her mind. The emotional attachment grew further apart with each passing day. And now, her one last tie to him had been severed. Her baby, which no longer had a chance at life. The baby, which no longer was.

She sighed again, slamming her locker shut. And then, following in Carter's footsteps, Abby disappeared into the busy halls of the ER to lose herself in her work. Spend the day repairing other people and helping them with their problems. So that hopefully, she would be able to forget her own.

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"I need a narcotic, Doctor, I have pain." The man standing before Abby re-iterated for the fourth time.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Harris, Dr. Greene has already discharged you. He gave me specific orders as to what prescriptions I should give you. There were no orders for any sort of narcotic."

"You don't understand …"

Abby rolled her eyes and caught Carter's eye. "Lunch?" He mouthed to her from across the room. She nodded, holding her hand up to signal she would meet him in five minutes. He nodded and walked off, leaving her with the pestering patient.

"Listen, Mr. Harris, I'll go get Dr. Greene to come and talk to you. How does that sound?" He grumbled something incoherent, while nodding his head. Abby released a sigh of relief and quickly made her way out of the room and into the lounge. Carter turned around from his locker as she entered the room, "Abby, there's someone on the phone for you. Line one."

"Thanks." She lifted the phone out of its cradle. "Hello?" There was a pause as the person on the other end presumably spoke. "Mom? Why are you calling me at work? What … slow down, Mom." A big smile spread across her face. "That's great. Tell him I couldn't be happier. No, I'm good, Mom. Okay … I love you too. Yeah… we'll talk later. Okay. Bye."

"Maggie?" Carter asked.

"Yeah, Eric proposed to his girlfriend. She's thrilled, couldn't wait to tell me."

"Tell him I send my congratulations."

"I will… ready to go?"

"Sure am." He held out his arm. "Shall we?"

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Abby walked into her apartment, with aching feet and a throbbing head. Her shift had been long and busy, with hardly a moment's rest. People had been particularly cranky; both patients and her colleagues and she was ready to crawl into bed.

She flipped on the light and set the day's mail onto the coffee table for later viewing. As she stepped out of her clogs, a certain letter caught her eye. It was yellowed, the black writing smudged most likely from being wet and then drying. On closer inspection she could make out the return address. "Oh god," she whispered, dropping it to the floor. She felt dizzy and lightheaded, not to mention short of breath. The letter was from Luka.

She expected it to spontaneously combust into flames when it hit the floor. But it didn't. Abby gingerly reached down to the floor to pick it up. Then, with shaking fingers, she slowly tore the envelope open. And pulled out the yellowed piece of paper. A tear formed at the corner of her eye and trailed slowly down her cheek. "I can't do this now," she whispered, and stuffed the paper back into the envelope.

Feelings were rushing back. Feelings that she had put at the back of her mind to be dealt with some other time. But not now. Now, she couldn't handle this. Her heart fluttered angrily within her chest, as her heaving breaths slowed. She set the letter down on the counter before slowly sinking to the floor to alleviate her dizziness and avoid a fall.

Composure somewhat regained and a decision made in her mind, Abby heaved herself upward from the floor. And then, with a regained purpose she grabbed the letter and made her way to her bedroom. At this point, she stripped her scrubs from the day at work, and pulled on a white terry-cloth robe to cover her naked body. Then she journeyed the short distance into the bathroom and began running the hot water. She lifted a bottle from the cabinet under the sink and began to empty its slippery contents into the water. Seconds later, foamy white bubbles began to line the tub, filling it with frothy whiteness.

She finally dropped the letter on the counter, and waited for the tub to fill slightly more. The robe slinked off her body, and once again taking the envelope into her hand, she slipped into the steamy water. Now she would read his letter. Luka's letter, Abby reminded herself. Luka's letter which would hopefully give her some of the answers she craved.

And that she did. Abby bit her lip, and for the second time, removed the yellowed piece of paper from the envelope and began to skim the slanted cursive lettering.


Dear Abby,
It's been about three months since we've shared the same bed. Since I've felt you're body against mine, seen your lovely face, and touched your porcelain skin. And I want you to know that I haven't stopped thinking about you since. I can still feel you, touch you, see you, and that makes it even harder to forget. But I've learned how to move on, without forgetting.
I know that you must be wondering why I left you. Some days I wonder why I left you, but I need you to know the reason. It was in no way your fault. I wasn't angry … I never fell out of love with you. It wasn't that you couldn't commit, couldn't love me the way I loved you. The way I still love you. It wasn't because of you. Something came up. An evil something. A something from my past that I had finally forgotten, that came back to haunt me and pulled me away from what was important to me. You, Abby.
You're probably very confused at this point. I know that, because I am too. I can't seem to find the words to say what I want to. As you know, English has never been my strongest suit. I've written this letter to you so many times, both in my mind and on paper. The problem is, I don't want to speak from my mind, I want to speak to you from my heart. I suppose the easiest way for you to understand this is for me to tell you the entire story, starting from the very beginning.
As you know, after my family was killed, I went to live with my brother temporarily. His wife, Natalija and I became very close during our days spent together while he was at work. Stress was high at that time in our country. Natalija and Dmitri had a terrible fight the evening before. She was hungry for forgiveness, and passion. I needed to feel loved, to feel a body in my arms to soothe the empty feeling I have learned to live with. As you may imagine, two people living so close together feeling such feelings as these would be drawn together, seeking solace from one another. Dmitri was away that night on business. All day, Natalija and I tried to avoid each other, to ignore the mounting sexual tension which was and never could be love. Her heart still belonged to Dmitri and mine to Danijela. But we were not able to contain ourselves. By the end of the day, we were both so torn and broken, so in need … We made love. Again and again, slowly and passionately, although I will spare you the details. Dmitri never found out. I left for the United States a week and a day after his homecoming. Nine months later, Natalija gave birth to a beautiful healthy son. But Dmitri never realized the baby couldn't be his, the timing was all wrong. And I must admit, until she told me, it didn't occur to me either. The baby boy was mine.
The night I left you, my father called me to tell me my brother had been killed in a horrible car accident. As our plans had been, I was to go to your apartment and sleep and we would talk when you arrived home. But I stopped at my place on the way to yours to pick up another change of clothing. When I got to the apartment, there were two messages, one from my father and one from Natalija. It was the first time she had called to talk to me in two years. She told me everything. I realized that as the rightful father of Matej, her son, it was only proper for me to move out there and resume my position in his life. So I did. I suppose I was overcome by so much information at all once. In five minutes I had lost my brother and found out that I was a father. I was not myself and I did not act that way. But, that is where I am today. Natalija and I have arranged to marry and we are slowly developing romantic feelings for each other. So, in the face of tragedy, I have gained a family.
Abby, I never meant to hurt you the way I did. My actions were rash and horrible and I will never forgive myself for leaving the way I did. I will never forget you. But the most important thing to me is that you move on. Live a long and happy life. Find your soul mate, the one you will spend the rest of your life with and grow old with. The one who can be the father to your babies. The one who you may tell all your secrets too, hide nothing from.
Make a life for yourself; families with many children who you can watch grow.
But most importantly, do not dwell in the past. I will never forget the love I felt for you, the way your presence made me feel. But I know that you didn't feel the same way, because there was always something between us. That something was Carter. And while I was always so jealous of him, the relationship the two of you had, I have never been more grateful for his presence than now.
I am sure he helped you through our separation and I only hope that the two of you will go on to have something more. Because it is a relief to know that he is there for you. I always knew he was the one for you, and you for him. Because a love like yours is impossible not to notice. And even if you have not, make an effort. Do whatever you can to blossom your friendship into a relationship. This is the only thing that can calm my empty heart. To know that he is taking care of you for the rest of forever. He is a good man, and both of you are deserving of each other.
Please do not be angry with me, Abby. I am only a person who is imperfect and makes mistakes, which I do realize. Take care of yourself. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I wish you well in your life.

Sincerely,
Luka Kovac

Abby wiped her tearstained face and dropped the letter to the floor. She had so many thoughts and feelings running through her mind. She sat back in the tub and allowed herself some time to regain composure. She was happy that he finally had a family. She could tell that he had really loved her; everything he had written had been true. Including the fact that she did not and could not ever love him the way he did her. Because she truly was in love with her best friend, John Carter. And now that even Luka had acknowledged it, she was not going to let anything get in-between them. Nothing.

And with that thought on her mind, Abby lifted her dripping body out of the tub, and within 15 minutes was resting between the flannel sheets of her bed. Finally at peace with his sudden disappearance and many problems that had been plaguing her life, Abby fell into a deep peaceful sleep, vowing to take action the very next day.

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Please review or send me your suggestions at gigglgrl26@hotmail.com. I live for your feedback … it helps me gain inspiration to write more. Basically you review and I write more, kapeech?