------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While in the process of going through my junk -- which
included my ~large~ batch of CDs from my subscription to CMJ -- I
came across this song "Wishing It Was," a duet by Santana and Eagle
Eye Cherry. The lyrics below are sort of an abridged version; the
lyrics I found on the web didn't quite match up with the song itself, so
I tweaked it a little.
Ummm... this takes place in the universe I created with
"Fractured Adonis".... It takes place during the seven-month period
that Quatre et all were Preventers, but before Quatre left for the
Mars Terraforming Project. Think of it as a prequel of sorts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNINGS: Shounen ai, and lots and lots of angst. *happily waves
Angst Wand over fic*
Usual disclaimers apply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wishing It Was
by Phi [umezaki@postmark.net | http://aurabuster.net]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like to watch, from afar. It's all I tell myself I can do.
We're sitting together at the table again. Alone, again.
Keeping my head cast downwards, I raised my gaze to look at him
discreetly. I'm always so afraid of being caught, like it's some mortal
sin to be seen watching another man as I do. Perhaps it is.
//Beauty and grace is what touches me most//
He is... unearthly beautiful. Ever since I met him, I cursed
the heavens for making such a man as he. Was he meant to be my
punishment, for how I have lived my life? Something I would always
see and want, but something I could never hope to touch?
I can't help but believe so.
//Good times can put me in fear//
These feelings...
They're wrong. I know they are. Men do not mix with other
men -- or women and women, for that matter. I had seen the pain my
sister had gone through when she had admitted her preferences, the
hatred that met her from all corners. Even from our father. That was
what had broken her, I think; he never said anything aloud, but the
disgust and contempt that shone through his eyes had been more
than mere words. I haven't seen her since. Be well, Eri.
I've watched the history vids, and know the treatment
people like me have had to endure in the past. It saddens me that
even in this advanced age their reception hasn't improved much.
So I say nothing.
//I always feel safe when things are bad
So I cannot let you come near//
As much as I hate myself for admitting it, I had welcomed
the war as a distraction to take my thoughts off of him. I had never
enjoyed the fighting, but... I'm not sure that I would have entirely
objected to it lasting a little longer. And I despise having thought
such ideas.
Now that the war is over and things are relatively safe, I
have the perfect opportunity to open myself up to him... to show him
how deeply I cared... to tell him that I love him....
But something holds me back, every time I open my mouth.
Was it fear? Fear of rejection, or of humiliation, or of both? I'm not
sure.
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings//
I could feel myself beginning to wish for another war. A
harsh smile graced my lips at ~that~ particular line of thought. My
oh my, would you just imagine that -- the male heir of the famed
pacifist Winner clan has turned a bit bloodthirsty. The world must be
coming to an end.
This new life of mine... it is too quiet, too uneventful. It
allows too much time for thinking. Thinking about the present, the
future... and the past.
//Now you've come and bring out the tears in me//
I remember the time I had finally found him, with Duo's help,
after the... incident... with Wing Zero. Such a massive feeling of joy
had flooded my heart at seeing him alive and well that tears had
sprung to my eyes; the only thing that had kept me from blubbering
like a complete idiot had been the shock at the intensity of the
emotion. It was then, I think, that I realized I loved him.
And he hadn't remembered me at all.
//Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does//
The realization had hurt, sharper than I thought was
physically possible. But even if it had cut a hole in my heart, it had
dried my tears. I could handle that. I had grown used to being
unloved. It came with the territory of being a test-tube freak.
When he later regained his memories, those thrice-cursed
tears had welled up again. Some irrational, naive part of me was
convinced that ~this~, this moment in time, would be the start of our
relationship. That fanciful, romantic voice spoke of how not only would
he remember me, he would suddenly be aware of and return my
unspoken feelings, and our love would blossom like a wild rose.
I was unbelievably ignorant.
//It's so strange to watch your life walk by
And wishing it was//
And yet I couldn't let the fantasy die.
Somehow, I kept thinking that every time he looked at me,
every time he happened to touch me, he would suddenly catch me up
in his arms and tell me over and over again how much he couldn't live
without me.
//Wishing it was more like a fantasy
Everyday surprises me
Wishing it was//
But I knew he wasn't that type of person. He kept his
feelings closed so tightly within himself, and it baffled me to no end. I
wanted a whirlwind romance, a never-ending high, an open show of
affection and tenderness. The fact that we were both male was
conveniently forgotten.
I think I've caught hints that perhaps he thought of me as
more than just a friend; but then, I don't think I know him well enough
to make that sort of judgement. Yet another reason why I was so
frustrated. I wanted ~in~ that shell of his, wanted to know what he
was hiding, but he never let me get that close.
//This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive
I tell you I've been here before//
I don't think I've ever been in love before, so I don't know
how to proceed. I wish I had a father like the ones on the vidscreen --
the kind you can go to for anything, who won't judge you no matter
who, or what, you turn out to be. My father... wasn't like that.
Whenever I thought of going to him, talking to him about my...
problem... I always envisioned that look of disgust I had seen him give
Eri.
Now... now, it's too late, either way.
//When it's movin so fast
It's a matter of time
One of us walks out that door//
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside, slowly and
painfully. The hormones of a seventeen-year-old boy are truly
terrible creatures. My body tells me one thing, while my mind tells me
another. And my heart... for once, my heart is silent. It is as
confused as I.
I can't take this torment much longer.
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings
Now you've come and you bring out the tears in me//
Every little thing he does tempts me. So much so that I want
to cry out in frustration. The way he walks, with unnatural, feline
grace; his small, rare half-smiles; his calm, soothing, yet unbelievable
sexy voice -- all this excites my unappeased hormones so badly that I
could barely stop myself from jumping him every time we were in the
same room.
I wanted him, with such frightening fervor that I was afraid of
what I might do if I stayed. That decided, the answer was simple.
I simply had to leave.
//Give this some thought
And I'm sure you will know//
He hadn't noticed that I was still watching him. My stealth
had improved. Drawing a somewhat shaky breath, I softly started,
"Trowa."
He looked up from the Omnicom he had been reading, one
elegant eyebrow raised in question. That was yet another reason why
I loved him; why use words when eyebrows would work just as well? I
couldn't help but smile a little at that, but the curve was tinged with
sadness. This would probably be the last time I would ever see it.
I forced the smile to become brighter, more cheerful. "What
do you think of the Mars Terraforming Project?" Inwardly, I cursed
myself. Why couldn't I just come out and ~say~ it?
He was silent for a minute longer, his eyes flickering back
and forth slightly, the rest of his face immobile, as he took in my
expression. I could feel my smile falter a little; even after all this time,
I still had no idea what he was thinking behind that mask of his.
But I had a feeling he knew what was behind mine.
//This is the way it must be//
"Why do you ask?" He replied finally, gently setting down
the Omnicom.
My face was beginning to ache from the effort of keeping
the smile in place. "Well, Relena-san is interested in the project as
well, and she dropped by the other day and handed me some of the
plans." After I had asked her to, of course. I paused, to see his
reaction. He still said nothing, waiting for me to continue.
"It would be nice to do something like that, don't you think?
Helping to build a new home for people, especially the ones whose
lives were ruined by the war. Give them a new life on a new planet,
you know?" I was dangerously close to rambling.
//Emotions will rise, emotions will flow//
He only nodded. "Aa."
I wanted -- needed -- to kiss him so terribly much. A brief
fantasy of leaping across the table, pinning him against the wall, and
ravishing his beautiful face with kisses until neither of us could breath
danced before my eyes. Instead, I lowered my gaze into my glass of
orange juice and asked quietly, timidly, "What would you say if I told
you that I was going to help?"
He was silent for a long time... a terribly long time. Finally
deciding that I could take it no longer, I risked a peek. I was
surprised to find him staring at me, sharp green eyes narrowed
slightly and a minute frown on his lips. "You're leaving?"
I nodded, after finding that my voice would not work.
Neither of us said anything more.
//You bring out the tears in me//
I stared out the window of the shuttle that would bring me to
my new life, aware of the stinging liquid that gathered at the corner of
my eyes. I laughed to myself, silent and bitter, at the thought of
these tears. I should have told him that I loved him, and to Hell with
the consequences.
Dammit. I'm such a coward.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While in the process of going through my junk -- which
included my ~large~ batch of CDs from my subscription to CMJ -- I
came across this song "Wishing It Was," a duet by Santana and Eagle
Eye Cherry. The lyrics below are sort of an abridged version; the
lyrics I found on the web didn't quite match up with the song itself, so
I tweaked it a little.
Ummm... this takes place in the universe I created with
"Fractured Adonis".... It takes place during the seven-month period
that Quatre et all were Preventers, but before Quatre left for the
Mars Terraforming Project. Think of it as a prequel of sorts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNINGS: Shounen ai, and lots and lots of angst. *happily waves
Angst Wand over fic*
Usual disclaimers apply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wishing It Was
by Phi [umezaki@postmark.net | http://aurabuster.net]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like to watch, from afar. It's all I tell myself I can do.
We're sitting together at the table again. Alone, again.
Keeping my head cast downwards, I raised my gaze to look at him
discreetly. I'm always so afraid of being caught, like it's some mortal
sin to be seen watching another man as I do. Perhaps it is.
//Beauty and grace is what touches me most//
He is... unearthly beautiful. Ever since I met him, I cursed
the heavens for making such a man as he. Was he meant to be my
punishment, for how I have lived my life? Something I would always
see and want, but something I could never hope to touch?
I can't help but believe so.
//Good times can put me in fear//
These feelings...
They're wrong. I know they are. Men do not mix with other
men -- or women and women, for that matter. I had seen the pain my
sister had gone through when she had admitted her preferences, the
hatred that met her from all corners. Even from our father. That was
what had broken her, I think; he never said anything aloud, but the
disgust and contempt that shone through his eyes had been more
than mere words. I haven't seen her since. Be well, Eri.
I've watched the history vids, and know the treatment
people like me have had to endure in the past. It saddens me that
even in this advanced age their reception hasn't improved much.
So I say nothing.
//I always feel safe when things are bad
So I cannot let you come near//
As much as I hate myself for admitting it, I had welcomed
the war as a distraction to take my thoughts off of him. I had never
enjoyed the fighting, but... I'm not sure that I would have entirely
objected to it lasting a little longer. And I despise having thought
such ideas.
Now that the war is over and things are relatively safe, I
have the perfect opportunity to open myself up to him... to show him
how deeply I cared... to tell him that I love him....
But something holds me back, every time I open my mouth.
Was it fear? Fear of rejection, or of humiliation, or of both? I'm not
sure.
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings//
I could feel myself beginning to wish for another war. A
harsh smile graced my lips at ~that~ particular line of thought. My
oh my, would you just imagine that -- the male heir of the famed
pacifist Winner clan has turned a bit bloodthirsty. The world must be
coming to an end.
This new life of mine... it is too quiet, too uneventful. It
allows too much time for thinking. Thinking about the present, the
future... and the past.
//Now you've come and bring out the tears in me//
I remember the time I had finally found him, with Duo's help,
after the... incident... with Wing Zero. Such a massive feeling of joy
had flooded my heart at seeing him alive and well that tears had
sprung to my eyes; the only thing that had kept me from blubbering
like a complete idiot had been the shock at the intensity of the
emotion. It was then, I think, that I realized I loved him.
And he hadn't remembered me at all.
//Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does//
The realization had hurt, sharper than I thought was
physically possible. But even if it had cut a hole in my heart, it had
dried my tears. I could handle that. I had grown used to being
unloved. It came with the territory of being a test-tube freak.
When he later regained his memories, those thrice-cursed
tears had welled up again. Some irrational, naive part of me was
convinced that ~this~, this moment in time, would be the start of our
relationship. That fanciful, romantic voice spoke of how not only would
he remember me, he would suddenly be aware of and return my
unspoken feelings, and our love would blossom like a wild rose.
I was unbelievably ignorant.
//It's so strange to watch your life walk by
And wishing it was//
And yet I couldn't let the fantasy die.
Somehow, I kept thinking that every time he looked at me,
every time he happened to touch me, he would suddenly catch me up
in his arms and tell me over and over again how much he couldn't live
without me.
//Wishing it was more like a fantasy
Everyday surprises me
Wishing it was//
But I knew he wasn't that type of person. He kept his
feelings closed so tightly within himself, and it baffled me to no end. I
wanted a whirlwind romance, a never-ending high, an open show of
affection and tenderness. The fact that we were both male was
conveniently forgotten.
I think I've caught hints that perhaps he thought of me as
more than just a friend; but then, I don't think I know him well enough
to make that sort of judgement. Yet another reason why I was so
frustrated. I wanted ~in~ that shell of his, wanted to know what he
was hiding, but he never let me get that close.
//This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive
I tell you I've been here before//
I don't think I've ever been in love before, so I don't know
how to proceed. I wish I had a father like the ones on the vidscreen --
the kind you can go to for anything, who won't judge you no matter
who, or what, you turn out to be. My father... wasn't like that.
Whenever I thought of going to him, talking to him about my...
problem... I always envisioned that look of disgust I had seen him give
Eri.
Now... now, it's too late, either way.
//When it's movin so fast
It's a matter of time
One of us walks out that door//
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside, slowly and
painfully. The hormones of a seventeen-year-old boy are truly
terrible creatures. My body tells me one thing, while my mind tells me
another. And my heart... for once, my heart is silent. It is as
confused as I.
I can't take this torment much longer.
//It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings
Now you've come and you bring out the tears in me//
Every little thing he does tempts me. So much so that I want
to cry out in frustration. The way he walks, with unnatural, feline
grace; his small, rare half-smiles; his calm, soothing, yet unbelievable
sexy voice -- all this excites my unappeased hormones so badly that I
could barely stop myself from jumping him every time we were in the
same room.
I wanted him, with such frightening fervor that I was afraid of
what I might do if I stayed. That decided, the answer was simple.
I simply had to leave.
//Give this some thought
And I'm sure you will know//
He hadn't noticed that I was still watching him. My stealth
had improved. Drawing a somewhat shaky breath, I softly started,
"Trowa."
He looked up from the Omnicom he had been reading, one
elegant eyebrow raised in question. That was yet another reason why
I loved him; why use words when eyebrows would work just as well? I
couldn't help but smile a little at that, but the curve was tinged with
sadness. This would probably be the last time I would ever see it.
I forced the smile to become brighter, more cheerful. "What
do you think of the Mars Terraforming Project?" Inwardly, I cursed
myself. Why couldn't I just come out and ~say~ it?
He was silent for a minute longer, his eyes flickering back
and forth slightly, the rest of his face immobile, as he took in my
expression. I could feel my smile falter a little; even after all this time,
I still had no idea what he was thinking behind that mask of his.
But I had a feeling he knew what was behind mine.
//This is the way it must be//
"Why do you ask?" He replied finally, gently setting down
the Omnicom.
My face was beginning to ache from the effort of keeping
the smile in place. "Well, Relena-san is interested in the project as
well, and she dropped by the other day and handed me some of the
plans." After I had asked her to, of course. I paused, to see his
reaction. He still said nothing, waiting for me to continue.
"It would be nice to do something like that, don't you think?
Helping to build a new home for people, especially the ones whose
lives were ruined by the war. Give them a new life on a new planet,
you know?" I was dangerously close to rambling.
//Emotions will rise, emotions will flow//
He only nodded. "Aa."
I wanted -- needed -- to kiss him so terribly much. A brief
fantasy of leaping across the table, pinning him against the wall, and
ravishing his beautiful face with kisses until neither of us could breath
danced before my eyes. Instead, I lowered my gaze into my glass of
orange juice and asked quietly, timidly, "What would you say if I told
you that I was going to help?"
He was silent for a long time... a terribly long time. Finally
deciding that I could take it no longer, I risked a peek. I was
surprised to find him staring at me, sharp green eyes narrowed
slightly and a minute frown on his lips. "You're leaving?"
I nodded, after finding that my voice would not work.
Neither of us said anything more.
//You bring out the tears in me//
I stared out the window of the shuttle that would bring me to
my new life, aware of the stinging liquid that gathered at the corner of
my eyes. I laughed to myself, silent and bitter, at the thought of
these tears. I should have told him that I loved him, and to Hell with
the consequences.
Dammit. I'm such a coward.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
