Author's Note: Ok, I'm trying to update more often. If you've read my other fic, and are currently yelling at the screen, calm down. I'm trying to write the next chapter ASAP. The lines are still open for Link's Punishment Submissions and any ideas or suggestions (wink wink, nudge nudge) are always welcome. I'm also taking suggestions of what Humiliation Tape you want our local spy, Navi, to dig out of the vault.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any of this. If you do sue, all you will receive is my feather collection, my stamp collection, and a drawer full of random junk. I don't own Zelda, Mr. Crash, Breathe Right Nasal Strips, or the Weakest Link show, which I have never watched, or anything else that shows up here. I do own the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle, and lease them to whoever for whatever reason wants to use them.
Chapter 5: Battlebots part 3
We find the gang in some random, unnamed room of the castle, as usual. They are all taking a break as the Magical Cleaning Elves of Hyrule Castle clean up the scrap metal and general mess left by Link's brief bout of dementia during the last match.
ChaosWEAPON: writing in newly-reclaimed note pad Hmm… no… maybe… no… possibly but not necessarily…
Ruto: What'cha doing, Chaos?
ChaosWEAPON: looks up Writing down ideas on my other fic about you guys.
Nabooru: Really? What's it about?
ChaosWEAPON: Stuff…you'd have to read it to find out.
Darunia: It's a Zelda fic?
ChaosWEAPON: No, it's about Link.
Link: Cool!
ChaosWEAPON: Bad stuff happens to him.
Link: Not cool.
Ruto: Am I in it? Do I get to be with Linkie?
ChaosWEAPON: No.
Link: on knees Thank you thank you thank you!
ChaosWEAPON: You probably shouldn't thank me yet.
Link: Why…?
ChaosWEAPON: Not telling. Oh, and I got a submission about your punishment for calling me a "dumb bunny."
Link: You remembered that?
ChaosWEAPON: Yep. I wrote it down.
Link: Drat.
ChaosWEAPON: But I think I'll delay your punishment until the tournament is over, or until I get more submissions, or I wake up in a bad mood and feel like making you suffer. Whichever comes first.
Zelda: What was the submission in favor of?
ChaosWEAPON: Mr. Crash said to lock Link in a room with Ruto for three days.
Ruto: YEEEEEEEHAAAAAHH!
Link: NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT! NOT THAT!
ChaosWEAPON: I thought about handcuffing you two together until then…
Link: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! faints
Ruto: Oh no! Linkie! Quick, I'll give him mouth-to-mouth!
ChaosWEAPON: Oh, no you don't! Or I'll handcuff you to Darunia instead!
Ruto: AAAAHHHH!
Darunia: Hey, what's wrong with me?
Ganon: You snore like a congested heifer.
Darunia: What?!
Malon: It's true. I've heard congested heifers before, and that's what you sound like.
Darunia: I take it those Breathe Right Nasal Strips aren't working.
Impa: Hmm. They should…let me see the box.
Darunia: Here. hands her the box
Impa: Darunia…these aren't Breathe Right Nasal Strips…
Nabooru: What are they?
Impa: Um…
Rauru: entering Why is Skullkid sleeping in the icebox?
Impa: Oh! I put him in there.
Rauru: Why?
Impa: He was in the way.
Rauru: Oh.
Zelda: The elves are done cleaning up.
Saria: Elves?
Mido: Cleaning?
Ganon: Let's go do the next match.
ChaosWEAPON: Sound good. Wake up Link and let's go.
Malon: How? He sleeps like a corpse.
Ganon: I could make him into one…
Nabooru: Still upset over the last match?
Ganon: sobbing Yes.
Nabooru: There, there.
Zelda: I have an idea. bends down near Link YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK, GOODBYE.
Link: wakes up AAAAHHHH! Man, I dreamt I was on Weakest Link!
Zelda: Imagine that.
Saria: Impa, what were those Breathe Right Nasal Strips?
Impa: They were-
ChaosWEAPON: Enough stalling, peoples! I wanna see Link fight Ruto! Move it, move!
Ruto: I have to fight Link?!
Zelda: Of course.
Ruto: But…but…I fight Link, he won't like me…But if I don't, I won't win that date…Can't…fight…Must…fight…Can't…Must…Can't…Must…
Mido: She's gonna break her brain.
Saria: Uh huh.
Ruto: Rrrrgggg…
Link: You think so?
ChaosWEAPON: Probably.
Link: Hmmm….
ChaosWEAPON: Don't taunt her. I'd only make it worse…
Link: That's the idea.
ChaosWEAPON: …for you if I have to chain you together.
Link: meekly I'll be good.
ChaosWEAPON: Good. Hey, Deadeye! What's the status?
DeadeyeDave: We are at the First Division Semifinals. The matchup is Link vs. Ruto. And you can look up the other divisions yourself, 'cause I'm sick of announcing it.
ChaosWEAPON: Hmmm…?
DeadeyeDave: Grrrr…2nd Division: Rauru vs. Zelda + CW vs. Impa. 3rd Division: Malon vs. Darunia + Skullkid vs. Nabooru.
ChaosWEAPON: Thankies.
DeadeyeDave: …
Ganon: Can we start the fight? I want to see Link get pummeled.
Nabooru: Yeah!
Impa: Hey, you don't suppose Skullkid will be mad at us for trancing him to sleep and then putting him in the icebox, do you?
Rauru: Nah.
DeadeyeDave: The next match is between Link and Ruto. Ruto loves Link, and Link is a player, so he refuses to go out with her.
Link: Hey! I'm not a player!
DeadeyeDave: Prove it. Date her.
Link: No!
Everyone: *coughLink'saplayercough*
Link: Grrr…
DeadeyeDave: Ruto's bot, Jabu-Jabu, made fish-meat out of Saria + Mido's Deku Tree. Last time, Link's bot TimeFiend sent Ganon's EIOD (Evil Incarnation Of Darkness) to the void between the realms, commonly known as the junk heap. Now, the returning champions will battle it out for the slot in the Finals. We hope to prove today that All is Fair in Love and War.
ChaosWEAPON: Didn't you say something about an interview with one of the competitors?
DeadeyeDave: No, but I will now. We have Mr. Crash interviewing Ruto. Mr. Crash, are you ready?
Mr. Crash: Yes, Deadeye, I can hear you loud and clear.
DeadeyeDave: I didn't ask you that.
Mr. Crash: I know. I'm here with Ruto now. Ruto, can you tell us what you think of the matchup?
Ruto: Arrrgggghhhh…Can't…fight…Must…win…
Mr. Crash: I see. And how do you think you will fare in the battle?
Ruto: Aarrrrgggghhhhhh….All your base…are belong…to us…rrrrggggghhhh….
Mr. Crash: …Back to you Deadeye.
DeadeyeDave: like Jim Carrey Alrighty, then. like Mills Lane Now let's get it on!
in the battle arena
Link: You're going down, Ruto! revs up TimeFiend
Ruto: Rrrrrggggghhhhhhaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh…
Link: Um…ah, well. TAKE THIS! slams TF into JJ, cutting a large hole
Malon: Oh, no. He's not going to do that demented laugh thing again, is he?
Zelda: Let's hope not.
Link: laughing insanely
Zelda: Yep.
Ruto: seems to come to Hunnnnmmmmm?
Link: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TF slams JJ into spike strip
Ruto: blinks
Rauru: Did you just hear something snap?
Nabooru: Only Ruto's sanity, why?
Rauru: Just wondering.
Link: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ruto: AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEYYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYAAAAAAHHHHH!
ChaosWEAPON: Oh, great. Now they're BOTH insane.
Darunia: oblivious to insanity in the ring So, Impa, what were those Breathe Right Nasal Strips?
Impa: They were-
Malon: Hey! Pay attention!
Impa: To what?
Malon: The fight! It's almost over!
Nabooru: I think it IS over.
DeadeyeDave: Er…looks at the wreckage of JJ I declare Link the winner!
Link: AHAHAHA! I WON! I'M THE BEST!
DeadeyeDave: Uh huh. Go sit down now, Link.
Link: Ok.
SSB Announcer: Division 1 Champion: Link!
Everyone: Yay! cheers
ChaosWEAPON: Alright! Great chapter, everyone!
Rauru: But aren't you going to humiliate someone, like you did to me and Ganon?
ChaosWEAPON: I already did. The Breathe Right Nasal Strips, remember?
Ganon: Oh. But we didn't find out what they were!
Impa: sigh I'll say it again: They were-
Ruto: who is curled in a ball ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! AAAAHHHHH!
DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash, dressed as the Men in White, put her in a strait jacket and take her away
ChaosWEAPON: We should end this now, before it goes anywhere.
Everyone: Ok.
Saria: Hey, you haven't done the ending thing in a while.
Zelda: True.
ChaosWEAPON: Ok. deep breath WILL we ever find out what Darunia's Breathe Right Nasal Strips actually were? WILL Ruto recover? WILL you send in ideas for Link's punishment? WILL the characters find out what my other fic is about? WILL ~*Misty Dawn*~ ever review this fic again? WILL she not be offended by me having said that? WILL any other authors show up in this fic? WILL I stop using the word WILL? We all hope so. Byebyies!
