Author's Notes: This is it, the chapter you've been waiting for! I would like to thank all of you who sent in submissions for how to punish Link, and I especially want to thank TempleMaster14: your idea was too evil not to use! Thankies!
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, TempleMaster14, or FF8's Eyes on Me, or Dena Carvey's song.
Chapter 12: Link's Punishment!
In a random room of the castle…
Saria: I don't like the look of that chapter title.
Ganon: I do!
Chaos: So do I. Which is why I put it there.
Link: What are we talking about?
Nabooru: Look up, genius, heh heh heh…
Link: looks up …oh…no…
Chaos: Oh…yes…
Link: No…
Chaos: Yes…
Link: No…!
Chaos and everyone else: Yes…!
Link: Um, no. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! runs away
Chaos: Oh no, you don't! fires a Chi blast
Link: OW!
Chaos: HAHAHAHA! Time to face the music!
Link: NOOOOOOO! …Wait, what are you going to do to me?
Chaos: You'll find out later. HAHAHA! narrating And so, using the Author Powers vested in me…
3 hilarious days later
In a random room of the castle…
Chaos: sighs Well, it's been fun…but it's time to return Link to normal.
Ruto: sitting snuggled up to Link NO!
Ganon: I think so too. Funny as it is, it's made me sick to my stomach.
Rauru: Me too.
Saria: It's sweet…but too much so.
Darunia: Put Brother Link back in mindset, please.
Nabooru: The kid will suffer enough when he sees the tapes.
Impa: We should wake Skullkid for this…
Zelda: And where's Mido? He'd want to see this…
in a random closet of a random room
Mido: tinkering with Dream Recorder…again… Hmmm…"High Voltage"…what does that mean?
back in the other random room
Impa: I'll go see if I can find Skullkid.
at that moment, in Calcutta
Skullkid: I SUPPOSE I SHOULD TRY TO CALL THE OTHERS…HEY! AN ICE CREAM PARLOR!
back in the random room
Chaos: All right. narrating The spell was lifted from Link, and he returned to normal…
Link: …Huh…? What…? sees Ruto in his arms Um….
Ruto: Oh, Link, the past three days have been wonderful! sighs happily
Link: Get out of my personal bubble of space, vile thing!
Ruto: sighs At least I have the memories…
Link: Chaos, what in the name of kiwi fruit did you do to me!?
Chaos: Lots. Navi, roll the tape!
Link: You got it on video!?
Chaos: Of course. How else am I supposed to hold it against you as blackmail for as long as we both may live?
Ganon: Can we watch these tapes whenever we want?
Chaos: Sure! Oh, it's starting! lights dim Rauru, pass the popcorn.
Rauru: cheeks stretched like a squirrel I don no wha oo meen…
Chaos: Nevermind.
tape starts
Chaos: HAHAHAHA! Time to face the music!
Link: NOOOOOOO! …Wait, what are you going to do to me?
Chaos: You'll find out later. HAHAHA! narrating And so, using the Author Powers vested in me, I condemn you to 3 days of being hopelessly in love with Ruto!
Link: gasp …!
Ruto: YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! THANK YOU, CHAOS!
Day 1 the sappy, romantic day
Link is talking to Ruto
Link: Hello, Ruto.
Ruto: Hi, Link!
Link: …Ruto, I'm hopelessly in love with you!
Ruto: gasp I'm in love with you too!
Link: Really?!
Ruto: Yes! Kiss me!
Link: Ok! kisses her…on the lips…with TONGUE!
Ruto: Wow…!
Link: Shall we dance?
Ruto: We shall!
they dance to FF8's Eyes on Me
Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar
Ruto: Link…this is a dream come true…
Link: For me too.
My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of like it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know
That I had mine on you
Ruto: Link…will you be there for me?
Link: Always.
Darling so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If a frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer…
in the room
Ganon: blows nose That's so…so…sweet! sobs
Impa: comes in, then sits down near Ganon There, there…
back to the tape
Night 1 slightly funnier
Ruto comes to her balcony when she hears noises
Ruto: Who's there?
Link: who is throwing small stones at window to attract attention Ah! There she is!
one of the stones hits Ruto
Ruto: Ow!
Link: Oops…ah, well. starts to recite Shakespeare What light from yonder window shines? It is the lamp! And fair Ruto has lit it! Come forth, o lighter of lamps! And let thy light shine upon me!
Ruto: Link? What are you doing?
Link: She speaks! O speak again sleek Zora! Who stands this night over my head, a finned messenger of the water!
Ruto: Is he trying to quote something? That poet what's-his-face? gasp Link is reading me poetry! Hmm…Link, wherefore the heck are ya?
Link: I'm down here, fair Zora.
Ruto: Well, get your cute butt up here!
Link: Um, ok. tries to climb the vines, but slips and lands on his head Ow…passes out
in the room
Darunia: nearly bursting with laughter That…was…so…gasp pathetic!
back to the tape
Day 2 Link + concussion = Funny
Link is lying in a hospital-style bed in the castle infirmary
Link: Ow…
Ganon walks in
Ganon: Still incapacitated, huh?
Link: Ganon…?
Ganon: Yes…?
Link: Why are there three of you?
Ganon: …Just focus on the middle one.
Link: Ok…why were you here, again?
Ganon: I'm the resident doctor. You are at my mercy.
Link: Oh…and what idiot put you in charge?
Ganon: Does it matter? Let's take some x-rays…Grabs Link, stuffs him into the x-ray machine Ok, where's the ON switch? presses it
Ganon: Huh? Nothing x-rayed…Of course! You're supposed to be on the outside of the machine, idiot! takes Link out, x-rays him
Link's x-ray has several strange objects in his chest
Ganon: So that's where my car keys went!
in the room
Ganon: I'd been looking for those for months!
Zelda: Why were Ganon's keys in your chest, anyway?
Link: I lost a bet…
back to the tape
Night 2 Doctor Ruto
in the infirmary…again. Link is covered in bandages, thanks to Ganon's impromptu surgery
Ruto: I can't believe Ganon posed as the doctor! Well, no matter, I'm gonna nurse you back to health!
Link: I appreciate that, Ruto.
Ruto: Thank you! Well, the key to recovery is good nutrition! Stay here, I'll go get my special homemade vitamin drink! leaves
Link: sigh It's so sweet that she would do this for me…
in the kitchen
Ruto: Hmmm…vitamin stuffs…
gets a large mixing bowl
I'll just mix healthy stuff together! First, plenty of raw fish!
grinds some up and puts it in the bowl
Ok, let's see…ketchup is good!
pours a glob into the bowl
Now, some…chocolate! Yum.
dumps some chocolate chips in the bowl
Ooh! Can't forget the eggplant!
throws some chopped eggplant in the bowl
Hmm…eggs are good…
throws five uncooked still-in-the-shell eggs in the bowl
I think Link like salad…
pours a bag of mixed salad in the bowl
And now some flour…
puts a cup of flour in the bowl
Hmmm…"Peruvian Death-Peppers" sounds yummy!
puts in five whole Peruvian death-peppers
And now mix!
uses eggbeaters to mix, then pours some in a glass
back in the infirmary
Ruto: Ok, Linkie! Drink this down! hands him the glass of sludge
Link: Um…drinks it It's…um…choke, cough great.
Ruto: See? I told you!
in the room
Darunia: HAHA! That was gross!
Nabooru: I can't believe you drank it!
Link: Neither can I…
back to the tape
Day 3 the love letter
Link is in his room, writing a letter to Ruto
Dearest Ruto,
How do I love thee? Hold on while I count the ways…
There are a lot of them. Let's leave it at that.
Shall I describe you, my love? Even though you can't answer because this is a letter, I will take that as a yes.
Your skin, the smooth wet scales of a slimy fish…
Your eyes, orbs that hold the deepest love and greatest ire…
Your other eyes, kind of like the first but not really…
Your fins, which make you glide through the water…
Your lips, soft as old wet hushpuppies…
With love, Link
back in the room
All the girls: AAAAAWWWWWWW!
All the guys: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: Grr…shut up, all of you!
back to the tape
Night 3 the botched serenade
Ruto is once again at her window, with Link below. This time, however, he has something behind his back…
Ruto: Link! What are you doing down there?
Link: I am here to serenade you with song!
Ruto: Oh…what does serenade mean?
Link: A serenade is "A complimentary performance of music in the open air at night, as by a lover to his lady."
Ruto: Oh. Serenade away, then!
Link: Gladly. takes out a guitar and begins singing
She's cold as ice…uh…er…paradise!
And the feelin'…um…was nice!
There's a lady I know…If I didn't know her…
She'd be the lady…uh…um…I didn't know.
My lady she went downtown…she bought some…broccoli.
She brought it home…she's choppin' broccoli!
Choppin' broccoli! Choppin' broccoli!
continues singing
end of tape
Everyone but Link and Ruto: GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link: Grrrr…Chaos, you will pay!
Chaos: in between fits of laughter Oh…I think not…
Link: GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Chaos: still laughing Well, peoples…there you have it…the long awaited…Link's Punishment…I hope you enjoyed it…'cause I know we all did! Bybyies!
